Winding down

2017 is now less than 2 hours away... you know I was thinking... it'd be nice to have people, but I think at this point its just not a skill I possess, whether that be grounded in my skepticism of people's true intentions, lack of trust or whatnot not sure its something I can do... which still again makes me wonder what the point of me is... like there is no real reason for me to get up in the morning, the reason I get up in the morning most days is simply to go to work... literally... 2 days left... then back to work... do you know what i dread about going back to work, people asking how my vacation was and what did i do... typical normal questions I know but nothing and nothing arent the answers people are looking to get...

Officially the last day of the year

Its almost 1:30 am on NYE... wasted the day again... I'm excellent at the day wasting...

Its funny

I took several 2 hour naps today, and didn't do a goddamn thing but I'm feeling better... I did talk to my dad, he got his birthday gift but it was improperly packaged and damaged so that was super irritating... but anyway.. yup I'm calm again... can't say i'm happy or less depressed or less lonely... but I am calm again... which does feel better than how I felt earlier today...

Making myself anxious

Literally, I haven't felt this anxious for a sustained amount of time in a long long while... I ended up going to bed at like 8ish and sleeping almost til noon... and I feel like the anxiety started when I went to sleep, does that even make sense?

The whole new ho insurance policy thing is worrying me... i dont wan tan inspection i dont want people in my house, i do wonder if they can do exterior only... my house is a fucking disaster... I dont even I cant even tell you... maybe its not as bad as I think it is but its pretty damn bad... trust me...like I think maybe I could clean enough but then its overwhelming... and I cant... I just I dont know what to do... and nobody has called to make dinner plans which at this point if they did I"m not sure I'd attend... and I won 2 movie tickets I cant make myself get up and go there, its free damnit...

I just I want it to stop... all of it... and oddly I dont even know what it is anymore... also you know my isolation is pretty much self imposed but its a necessity... besides nobody would stick around if I actually let them in, so why should I bother... history is a teacher... right?

I got the Team Amell hoodie today, have it on actually... it was chilly this morning... and well thats all for that it was nice.... Stephen wrote a holiday post today which was nice and it really did give me a moment of relief and calm but it didnt last long... I just.... I shooed Fenway away so I could write... he was being a good cat and insisting on staying but I needed to vent... and now Trinity is taking the opportunity to stare me down to get me to take her out, rightfully so... so I should go do that... my stomach is a flutter with the anxiety that happens like almost never... its a tad unnerving...

Its one of those days and its only 3:30 am

I just dont feel like sleeping, thats weird right? Like I'm pretty damn sure if i lay down I could fall asleep... I just I dont feel like it... I entertained myself mostly with cartoons, netflix justice league... and while it serves the entertainment purpose it doesnt do much else, which I kind of needed but now I want more... like it was a good brain break... now its working again... make of that what you will...

So I did a short tour of Michael Rosenbaum on Youtube, some Stephen Amell and now I'm watching some Smallville again... its weird or maybe not now that I have both Arrow and Smallville I tend to rewatch things that have spoken to me in some way... just watched Homecoming which served the lesson of not dwelling on the past and moving forward... sound like a familiar theme right? Like all of S5 so far; but its much easier said than done... because what does moving on and forward require, it requires trust, to some extent to move forward.. and its just something i am perennially in short supply of...

Also its totally trash day, i thought it was moved a day because of the holiday but when I took trinity out earlier 11ish; almost everyone had the trash out and i looked it up, i think its today; says it moves when the holiday falls m-f and technically the holiday was sunday though its observed on monday so I kind of think the trash is picking up in a few hours and I didnt put it out, I mean i dont have much to put out I eat sandwiches and thats a paper towel and I'm home so really not much in the way of trash generation... i have recyclable stuff to put out but whatever... but hey I did my errands got the stuff i needed; litter, dogfood, rock salt, misc groceries... also swung by bestbuy and got a chromecast, because neither youtube app lets me watch purchases on my other two devices, which is bullshit but whatever $35 is a small price for convenience and I dont care....

I do wonder sometimes if anyone reads these and is like what the fuck is she talking about... i type as i think or think and type its a whole very little in the way of filter from my brain to these words... now can i write more thoughtfully and cohesively, sure I can... but that takes effort, which I dont feel like expending unless I want to make a point and make it to people I know, like I did with the Robin Williams thing... also this track pad thing on my current laptop has gotten way more sensitive lately, and I cant figure out how to turn it off again, which is irritating...

Back to ramblings... Smallville Oliver is the same Oliver but less damaged... I like both but I totally like damaged Oliver more... or less repaired whichever it is, Hartley's Oliver had some lows but not quite like Amell's Oliver has... the latter of which is more relatable to me... the whole damaged, pushing away stuff I've mentioned beore... also btw Smallville's finale totally makes way more sense in context... I'd watched prior to moving here and just kind of dropped off and I know I watched the finale but totally more sense has been made since watching it through...

Also I'm 37 and basically I'm a weird child... I mean what's changed since I was sixteen? I pay all my bills now and actually live alone, instead of wherever, I mean going to work is just like going to school at least in terms of schedule and social interaction... of which I had none after school and none after work so basically I've been stagnant for 20 years... which is super depressing if you think about it... I've done zero with my life, my job could go on without me... I mean what do I contribute to the world? Nada, I mean really... I do still think if I exited prior to Ellie being conciously aware of me it'd be better for her.. oh and my stupid insurance comapny made it official today they wont renew my policy because the fucking driveway couldnt get fixed "in time" which is utter and complete bullshit... its a tiny driveway and getting it fixed is not an easy task as it falls to the bottom of the list because realistically there's little profit margin in it unless you exorbitantly overprice it which I just ignore you because thats fucking irritating... not that I dont get it, I do but not really worth it..

I'm totally just randomly brain to words here now this is how I think though jump around hey jump jump can you keep up? few can... whatever I think I've tortured you enough with this for now... I sense that its going to be more frequent before it subsides again... and there is still Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun and Monday left for me to be alone... thats 5 days, didnt I say 4 earlier? maybe I forgot what day it was... going back to not sleeping again... I'm thinking this episode then the finale and maybe the one before the finale then switch over to arrow and the hits I love ...

Did I mention, before I go that my code8 stuff got screwed up somewhere, I'm annoyed but totally chill about it, which is somewhat weird... because I got a ton of stuff, and I got literally the 4 least costly things I purchased... whateves... hopefully someone will get back to me by friday and if not by the new year, if not by then 2nd week if i'm around I'll remind... remind me kay? kay... ok saving and exiting and returning to the tv now....

And the hits keep coming

So Debbie Reynolds died now.... seems to have died of a broken heart, reportedly told her son that she wanted to be with Carrie... how sad, for that entire family....

Yet I still have my near annual existential pondering of what the point of me is... I mean why am I actually here? I have no friends, lets be real... I'm at that old dog stage where making friends is a trick I'm never going to master... I have to get that new insurance policy and I'm dragging my heels... I feel like crap... I do wonder... I thought earlier, I'm totally just waiting for Trinity...really how sad its totally easy as that... I love them all but... I dont know how much longer I can sustain me... There's the trope for superheroes that I abide by in that you dont let anyone in... i've said this before, plenty plenty of multitudes of times... and I just cant, even if I did, still dont trust people. I dont really believe there are people who are genuine and would really want to help out of friendship or a selfless kind of thing rather than pity or something else? What 4 days of vacation left? halfway through...

also, what if, what if I"m just a horrible human being and there really is nothing else to it... no mental problems just I'm a shitty human? hmmmm

Cartoons & Panels

Totally should have thought something was up and the other shoe was going to drop; last year/beginning of this year was just too good, for me at least... very atypical.... also probably slightly manic.... but I am rarely that way and its mild, ya know?

Anyway 2016 has been just rampaging through people... Carrie Fisher died... and the world is just turned to shit, i mean Donald fucking Trump is going to be the president...

I've resorted to youtube panels and cartoons to entertain me... started watching travellers which is good but in a dystopian future is on the way kind of thing.... but if you want entertainment go to youtube, do searches on john barrowman or michael rosenbaum and panel.... both of those guys are just guaranteed to make you laugh... stephen amell is good too but those two will have me crying more often... so tuesday's only just ended, still have wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun & mon to myself because I dont hold out hope either Kim or Lamar are going to follow through on the dinner .... I just dont see it happening... and you all know me I"m done trying to initiate something that people clearly have no real interest in making happen...

I should really go grocery shopping tomorrow but i really have one days worth of food left before that'd be a necessity and I need to cook the chicken i have finally thawed...

Post Christmas Update

Nothing new to report... the period ended.. and I've still not interacted with a human since Wednesday... I don't count the cashier at Walmart.....

Thats about it.... watching old shows n stuff... slept almost 12hrs today.... 7 days to go

Greetings of the Season

I'm on day 2.5 of Christmas Vacation, with 10 days to go... I've done absolutely nothing, and I have one of those miserable periods going on right now, its like hey you're not going to work lets fuck with you... yup you know those meme's about women's uteruses and periods, so totally happening right now...

Finished up my Smallville binge, is it really a binge when its just replacing rerun city during normal days and just doing that when you're home and basically stuck til the tides stop flowing.... or at least subside....

So what else? Won 2 fandango tickets, thats cool.... getting my represent orders trickling in... the raglans are super comfy/soft i may never buy a tshirt again if  those are an option.... code 8 lucky postcards arrived but nothing else; also nothing else in the usps dash that would indicate anything else is coming, so I emailed them... hopefully I'll get a reply...

New garage door opener is in the garage, but still needs to be installed... though I am getting more efficient at the manual operation of the garage door lol..

This is what happens the end of the year

Everything needs to be let out... I was okay by the time monday rolled around, it was good that it was busy back to back meetings will do that... and group was good it was more a social session than anything its good to have those every once and a while.. I have tomorrow off, home depot never called about the garage door opener, and there's probably over 2" of snow on the ground by now could be more, not sure when it stopped snowing or if its stopped yet.. heavy wet snow too... hopefully either Aprile or Dana come through with a referral then i'll just go buy the opener itself and get it installed... i cant do the manual door thing all winter thats going to get SUPER annoying...

I read Stephen's post again tonight, its just really good advice, its just hard to execute. Its the whole trusting people enough thing that gets in my way... And I've been thinking about it lately, I know it crosses my mind every so often and this isnt necessarily different but with the whole Trump fiasco and my unwillingness to subject anyone to me what exactly am I doing here? I got tix to HVFF Sept 2017; and i have the premiere package for when code 8 comes out; but man alll the wind that was in my sails last year has evaporated. Aubrey was probaby right saying I was manic and it wasnt anything but. Also you know I hear of people being admitted for stuff and I wonder since I never am does it mean its not as bad for me, I can handle it, if thats true is it real? Wonder that a lot, I've tried to kill myself at times, never got hospitalized. First one got sentenced to multiple sessions a week; another one not sure if its really i just didnt care and i took enough nyquil that day to knock a cow out, which coincidentally i am; regardless just slept for quite a long time but other than that eh; the time I was hospitalized I'd been fired, I'd already been tumbling down the depression road and had made an appt with one of my old shrinks and it was still at the time I carried a bottle of whatever i could get my hands on to check out with should I ever have the need I always had it on me... now I dont think I took anything but I may have, I honestly dont remember and I remember shit; but I do remember the ER and the hospital thinking my BP and heart rate were wonky so maybe I did; but then that was Friday - Sunday I think, could have been thurs night - sunday not sure... anyway that was the only time and I had a report from the asshole of a shrink there who basically chalked everything up to me being a teenager (i was 19) ... also asshole because he fucking WOKE ME UP the first day i was there, in the morning all I wanted to do was sleep... anyway... then a few years ago as evidenced in entries from 2011? I had a serious breakdown again and by all rights probably should have been hospitalized but I wasn't... so maybe its just not as bad or not the same? I dont know... is it real? again questions that i ask myself that never really get answered...

Its been a while....

Life, well life is sucky... garage door opener broke, couldnt fix it, needs to be replaced waiting on home depot to set up the appointment; the pipe in the garage is leaking again... the driveway isnt fixed; need to switch insurance companies to deal with that, project at work is terrible, interesting but terrible

I tried getting myself something to look forward to, but I kind of dont care at the moment... you know i'm alone, i know i'm alone and i cant change that; my issues are mine, as much as i'd like help is not anyone elses problems... i cant allow them to get involved because if they do and even if i'm grateful for it it wont last, it cant last... and thats just how it is...

Life is cruel in that i'm around, taking up space and its a waste; total waste....

So ...

Haven't written in a while... and I've been thinking all week about a speech from last weeks Arrow... its the most realistic speech I've heard Oliver give about himself since the show started... its something that is very true and real and what I have experience with, and have written about here... I also brought it up at group, but at the end so I didn't actually get to talk there were more important people dealing with things....

This is my very real default position, I suppose admitting to it (sort of) in group is growth, but I'm still very much a practitioner. I did admit though to one of the other reasons its not about loss, though it factors in, its still about protecting people, because my honest position is I don't want anyone to suffer should I ever decide to check out again.... that option never really goes away fully....

ummm

So I have a twinge of insomnia this weekend, got some neuro from the fridge and since my period's finally over i figured I'd check to see what I gained since I've been feeling crappy and had a chocolate laden period.... I'm actually a bit lower than before not by much, not even a whole pound but this gets me within spitting distance of the point which I said I'd you know actively try.... oye vey

Another Isolated Weekend

I have literally not spoken to another human being since the 5pm conference call on Friday which I took from home; I don't think people really grasp what that's like and why as much as I'd like to have some interaction I won't and I don't.

1. I don't have friends, plain and simple. People who are the closest to that are not people that I'd invite into my house, purely because I don't want them to see me as more of a loser and weirdo and whatever other negative stereotype you can think of to insert here. I don't like the pitiful eyes, the questions the 'advice'. Human's don't exist in a natural state of altruism, they exist in a natural state of combat.

2. From #1 I don't trust anyone, literally I don't trust anyone. I said this briefly at group last month but I don't trust my family, I don't trust Aubrey and since I don't have friends well thats self explanatory.

3. Never been skilled at interpersonal interaction. I can live in a state of constant cerebral and superficial interaction; but not personal interaction. I'm careful about what I say, is everyone? Or are there people who trust so they're just open. I don't know; and honestly I cant imagine it.

4. If it weren't for the dog and cats I probably wouldn't have spoken a word until I go to work on Monday. Think about that.


Shower Thoughts....


People generally cannot process things themselves, they tend to need to confide in others, work it out talk it through.... one of the reasons for my lack of trust is if I confide in someone I *know* no matter what they say, they will end up telling someone, and I wont know who that is and wouldn't have control over it... unless you cultivate a group its impossible.... also impossible if a group is involved too... so no...

Brief (maybe) musings...

I wonder if the 'normal' people ever experience the not talking to a soul for extended periods of time. As evidenced by my recent string of weekends this is typical for me, outside of work I really dont talk to anyone... its really just group. Which I'm okay with most of the time its just sometimes its a bit much, like the past couple weekends.. I'm back to okay but its still, its still what it is almost. No it is but I dont know the word I want isnt here and I'm failing.

Finshed up that fanfic I started reading ... it was a good story, rooted in real emotion and reaction and how people skilled in the art of pushing people away would really react and think. The ending almost makes me more sad than the rest of the story, the characters reconciling physically. While I get that this is the end game of 99% of fanfic, it was almost disappointing but it wasn't detrimental. Like IMO you can bring the characters back together without going there, as I think that would take longer, or, if that occured there would be a near immediate return to walls. But I digress...

My coworker friend, the one who I work with daily, not the  neighbor one.. she's got a c-section scheduled and its almost like my only real work friend is going away. My neighbor is definitely my friend but there is no premise to interact with her on a daily basis because we work on different teams even though we sit next to each other. The new addition to the team is someone I really like, and would be friends with the thing is, she's remote, in AL. So while we're friends and on the same team and on one project its not the same. Kind of wondering what the next couple months will end up like... since I'm already cut off and the holidays are coming up.. and I've been thinking about not going up to MA for Christmas... i dont know why but I'm kind of miffed by the whole not even making an effort to conintue to pay me back ... i get why I'm not getting paid back, but an effort just an effort would have been better than the nothing. I sent invoices every month until the service decided they wanted a fee which coincidentally coincided with what would have been the final payment on the loan... and I left out from the loan the money I spent flying them to and housing them for my sister's wedding, which I'm only annoyed at because Dad said he wanted to pay me back for that even though I never asked and never expected, because he said it it kind of irritates me now, more because I never got repaid, and it was not a small amount if I'd included that money he'd been looking at close to 10 on the loan less than but close to... i dont know why its bothering me right now, but it is. I need to schedule or rather figure out what I'm doing for christmas... I have what I want to be doing next year settled with the Code 8 premiere and stuff so I'll have things to spend vacation time on.... i still have 6 days left i need to take/schedule. I've taken 4 days this year so far, and scheduled 6 more... i get 3 weeks & 1 day of vacation.... so I'm totally slacking

also I happened upon an article, that I didnt read thoroughly just skimmed through about how writing things down helps... duh, I figured that out a while ago that it helps... anyway this is a much longer musing than I originally intended, even though I did say maybe from the start, still longer... I'm heading to bed...

Sunday Night Football - Week 1

Patriots won! This weekend has been gorgeous weather, I kind of wish I knew how to utilize the deck better... like the screen door on the slider has literally been broken since the day I moved in, I bought a replacement but could never get it to sit right in the gutter or whatever its called... and Twix ripped a hole in it in the spring... so unfortunately til I replace the slider I think its going to be hard...

Also interesting today, I checked and I have not gained (or lost) and if you hadn't noticed I'd been depressed lately, better now even though friday was basically a half day or 3/4 day realisitcally, I didnt go to the picnic because 1. Lunch wasnt coming til 2pm and hanging around for 2 hours would be awkward.. and 2. I actually had work to do and half the dept being away gave me a good opportunity to get CA people on the phone to discuss a few things

And a gripe from me unrelated, Blindspot premiere's on Wednesday at 10pm, this is the timeslot it belongs in, forget about Arrow being on at 8 which is what I'll watch as it airs, but Blindspot IS NOT a 8pm show?! Why would you neuter a show like Blindspot with an 8pm slot?

Breathe

Today has ended up much better, I'm calmer... hopefully it continues... but I hate when I fall like I did ... reminds me its still a treacherous path I walk

A Thought...

Accepting help when it is offered, is different, if not easier than asking for help when it is needed.

Its Tuesday, but its still Monday

And, I can count on one finger the number of people with whom I interacted all day that was not the cashier or lady in the kitchen.... yup thats my life

Leak is still leaking

Noose is still on my mind...

I just I want a shoulder to cry on, someone to lean against right now... I just cant... I cant figure out where the extra water is leaking from... its just seeping from somewhere and I cant find it and I dont have any goop left to fill the spots I know of.. and I just I want to quit... I want to stay around and experience some things I had planned but right now, right now I want to quit... Where did it all go sour again? I cant even will myself to suck it up right now ....

Have you Ever?

Have you ever had a day where you're pretty depressed, apathetic and just blah and your eyes feel like you've been crying but haven't shed a tear?

3 hrs later...

Long weekends knock me down... especially those where I have literally not interacted with another human being since Friday morning, with the exception of the cashier saturday, which I don't count...

I love Stephen's quote about letting people help you... it really resonates with me especially the dont mutter yeah after everything they say, just listen.... but I don't know how to ask people for help... its still back to the I don't want to impart my crap onto anyone else, its not their responsibility, *I'm* not their responsibility.... Its MY crap and I'm my own responsibility.... there is really just no other way, especially since I barely (more honestly don't really) trust people.... that's something that is broken and while when I think about it it'd be nice to fix, the reality isn't the same. I don't want pity, I don't want people to look at me more weirdly than they already do.... I do really just want to fade away...

Labor Day

Its labor day... I'm a bit defeated... these are the days my mind wanders... it never wanders anywhere good....

Really?

So the leak I had last year in the garage and fixed has decided today is a good day to start leaking again... WTF? c'mon

Ok I know I care not about my house or myself but c'mon... it just makes me remember that there is really no reason for my existence its just one of those things... you know how I talked about little goals those are the things keeping me going... i just sometimes I'd rather not... its apparent on weekends like this, holidays how little people care about me... mom called, video again, she may be obsessed with video calls, I dont get it... there are days where I think I could disconnect and nobody would notice or contact me or anything... sure mom may worry but thats it.. and thats kind of her job right, she's my mom... sigh.....

Also this is my only place to vent, mom follows me on social media.. so I cant just vent even innocuously, I censor myself so not to worry anyone... yup.. and its not like I'm doing poorly, I'm not, I just I have no outlet for frustration... I kind of wish I did... I have group but its not really for frustration... can't/won't with Aubrey, she's doing well got friends, activites, kids etc.... so, i'm here... and its clear when there's a long weekend I post....

So Many Projects

Its the long weekend, got home early yesterday... putzed around my friend is not going to be around this weekend as she thought so totally mine alone for another long weekend... anyway... did not win the item I *really* wanted on the CGL auction today, I wanted it for a couple reasons, super cool, good cause and a size smaller thusly if i could get into it by next year it'd have been cool... lost it, i went over my budget but i couldnt go more than 2x my budget and it went for 2x my budget so bidding up would have been over... dude i lost in the last 60 seconds though, seriously... anyway got my 2nd choice and 2 other cool items.

None of that had anything to do with all the projects I have open... like i have one beanie started, double knit, that one i stop after each row since i'm doing it on straight needles (because I tried 3x to not twist the rounds and i got impatient) and 20mins per row just needs a break kp constantly is easy but i dunno it feels like it goes quicker on rounds... the 2nd deathstroke embroidery is done, I have several outlines for new embroidery patterns made up in photoshop ready to print, transfer and fill in.. I also have 2 books started.. i feel like i'm forgetting something.. oh i have videos started... blending Arrow to Shinedown ro some other songs would be cool too... i have select clips in files to use later.. yeah so I'm keeping me busy...

New project is supposed to start this coming week but its a short week and i dont think its gotten the budget approved so probably wont be til next week... i actually have work for it i could do should i get bored (yes i'm that pathetic that I"m considering doing work to relieve boredom)

Watching Archer as my background entertainment all day... its funny.. also I swear that episode to episode and season to season the volume is different ... its kind of annoying

Patterns

I considered commenting about this in group; but others had real world tangible problems to discuss... Ever catch yourself kind of redoing old habits? Knowing its an old habit and not really caring? So I've lost weight, a good amount and I haven't been 'trying'; trying to me implies that I'm dieting which I'm not, I've just made some changes, ones I've made before and they work. The pattern noticing thing I've recently done though is mildly something.... so food and I have a terrible relationship. I don't necessarily enjoy food, its more a means to an end most of the time; and something to do when bored if i'm being honest. And what I've caught myself doing is giving myself 'rules' not huge drastic rules but rules nonetheless, which could potentially lead to some less healthy rules I've made in the past... does that make sense? Like I want to continue, but I don't know if I want to fall into those old habits, effective though they are they are not the most healthy.

Like I get through live more often than not setting a little goal at some point in the not too distant future to keep me going, seriously. Erica's HS graduation was pretty much one of the only reasons I didn't try to kill myself again after I left college. Then like I had to move out of my aunt/uncles when I'd been back in MA... then Erica's College graduation gave me another 3-4 years.... then after I moved here I dont recall all those little goals that I'd set some have been ridiculous some life events like above... the cats definitely helped too. Erica's wedding was a recent goal, HVFF was a goal, Thanksgiving to see Ellie is a goal, the Code 8 premiere is a goal.. thats the furthest one out right now... why did I mention this? well I set myself a little goal to be able to fit into the merch from Code 8 since it topped out at 2x which I've accomplished.... I'm presently bidding on something in an auction, its a regular XL and I think I'd like to see if I could do that before next years HVFF in Oct... but I almost dont want to set it since I dont want to disappoint myself hence why the old habits have maybe resurfaced or at least thinking of them have... Is this something worthwhile to bring up or am I just pontificating myself into overblowing something? This is also the dead zone of the summer with little to no external entertainment to distract me from myself... partially the cause of the craftsplosion I think... I have a meeting in 4mins because California... but I figured I should put down these thoughts because as I said earlier in the day its blah right now.. but its weird I can do the day and people but when i get home ugh...

Summer

Summer is odd for me.... its like it starts off okay (this year anyway) and its gradually faded... like I don't know I feel like sometimes I'm more depressed in the summer than the winter... or maybe its just because I'm soloing on my current project, which is fine but there's little interaction with others... and frankly it bores me....

The leak in the garage that was stopped started again it seems and it just deflates me... i can fix it but goddamn... I have 6 PTO days to use that are unscheduled, I need to figure something out...

A few thoughts...

Stephen is presently staring at me from my TV, that photo with his hands to the lens is one that is a background and it came up in the rotation.... thats not necessarily what I wanted to say... tonight he posted on fb that he had a brief scare last week when he got his nose xrayed, they saw something thaty needed to check again... and he reflected on his charity work and his family and all the crap that comes along with life and getting caught up in the things that are really not as important.... and something along the cancer front has happened to me once and the whole hearing debachle thing was another where I got vague answers no they weren't answers they were well it could be a million things lets do some more testing... i recall the cancer thing, it was they were afraid I may have lukemia my white cell count was high and sustained high for at least 6 weeks... so I ended up having several appointments with an oncology hematologist... i recall sitting in the waiting room there and being like damn.. also at the time I was secretly hoping it was it too... so it was a weird thing... like it was scary to  an extent... but also I was depressed at the time too, not bad but my general level of fuck this'd'ness .... so having a concrete real likely terminal possibly anyway diagnosis seemed better somehow... more concrete, real, something people could wrap their heads around and not give me second looks and weird glances for me being in a mood.... it wasnt.. but it was an experience, especially since I did it all alone and didnt really tell anyone, I asked my aunt a couple cryptic questios but thats about it... i dont even think she said anything to my mom because my mom is my mom and we all know what kind of hysterics that could have created... whats weird is my hearing didnt really phase her so much... that is something that effected me then and effected me 2 years ago when I had to concede to getting hearing aids.. i used to sing, i used to not be terrible, i made madrigals so you know... anyway hearing is something that was useful to me at one point or is, describing my relationship with hearing is odd.... music is literally a lifeline for me sometimes and the prospect of losing that ability well I dont like to think about it so i lock it away... its kind of funny that of anything in my life that is the one thing that upsets me every time if i venture down that path..

Craftsplosion and things

There has been a craftsplosion at my house I've done 3 pieces of embroidery knitted 3 hats and am on a 4th... the next one will go with 2 embroidery pieces... its nuts... I have not embroidered in probably a good 20 years its kind of meditative.. knitting too... I'm sure it'll pass but its always a flurry then it stops...

Chores, got the car inspected and ended up having to get new tires... The guy who owns the shop remarked that I was so chill about it when he told me the total.... I said well I agreed to the tires they were $600 then you tack on labor, taxes and the inspections and 701 seems about right.... it doesnt hurt that I have plenty of savings and a card that has 0% for the next 8 months either.. the latter two of which I did not say to him, but thought...

Today I got assigned to a project well sorta I got assigned to a 2nd track of a project I got assigned to as a consulting BA of sorts 25% allocation... then today got the same allocation to the 2nd track... also its fairly striaghtforward so no big puzzles to solve I really need to figure out how to work slower... I say that a lot but goddamn I need to figure out how to do it..

Group on monday... it was good, I came close to saying things I wouldnt but gratefully other people were more the focus, I shared some but I'm still glad I didnt cross any of my still standing lines... walls may be starting to crack but nothing's tumbled down just yet... honestly dont know what'll happen when it does and i realize i just said when and not if... which yep

Tonight instead of crafting or whatnot I read fanfic, which granted is something I generally try to avoid because usually its incredibly juvenille (at least from what I recall the last time I ventured into it which was years ago) anyway... having really nothing to do I read something that was reccomended to someone on twitter and it was really good, like really good... It also metaphorically applies to me and why I like Arrow in general... also other things that Arrow has introduced that I'm still pretty sure arent' in the cards for me still... if you want its here....

Contradictions

You know, as much as I'm doing better, and I am I can see that... I do still operate on the base principle that everyone is better off not having me in their lives, and that when meeting people they just don't/wont like me.... it is easier... but also harder...

Monday

Feeling kinda blah... did jack this weekend... I was going to see bourne but I didnt.... I'm halfway through American Gods and I have no motivation to pick it up right now, and its a good book... I think some of it is work... I'm not interacting with anyone, my project doesnt require it right now... so I'm busy working and that doesnt require others... Group tonight was eh... I didnt talk... but I didnt want to.... others needed it and I have some mixed feelings about some of what went on... blah blah blah right?

wow

Ok I just had an hour long conversation with my mom, that was a good general conversation. I can't remember the last general conversation I had with her, its like I'm becoming an adult lol.

Con Weekend Ramblings

Vicarious SDCC that is... I cant thank the Nerd Machine for live streaming Nerd HQ enough... its been really excellent. You know I sit here this weekend and I think, a few things... one these are my people... I always knew that but admitting it is another thing because people I knew who like these things never liked me... so I never engaged... anyway enough about shit that happened over 20 years ago..

Like I like to read, I will like binge read, its a thing.. I think... anyway. One book that I remember and love from my childhood reading has always been Witch by Christopher Pike,without question. Its a story about a girl who's from a family of witches, her mother died when she was very young. She can see the past/future I feel like it was in a pond somewhere.. anyway that's not important to why I love the book. And I may totally be getting some of this wrong I read the book I swear to god must have been 25 maybe 27 years ago now... anyway when was it published? I'm gonna google.. brb ok so it was published in 1990 so I read it when it was new... because I loved Christopher Pike, I read a bunch of his books when I was a kid.. so 25/26 years ago lets say... where was I? ok... she's a witch, she can see the past/future but that's not her cool power (and the past future may have been another book I feel like I should re-read but I"m afraid to ruin the memory) her cool power was healing people... she could see their literal life line.... like a literal tether of life... I forget who the character was totally but it was a close friend of hers and he was sick... or he got hurt anyway he was dying... and she, intentionally put a crack pipe in her pocket, went to the hospital and traded his fading life line for her's dying in the process... I love that book... anyway why this story? Well at the Stephen Amell & Friends panel someone asked what everyone's favorite book from their childhood was, and he said Christopher Pike's Buy Me Deep.... also a good book but Witch is better, in my opinion... anyway it sealed the these are my people thing and also made me like Stephen even more... Nobody and I mean NOBODY ever knows what the hell I"m talking about if I answer that question or anything... its like they didn't read... or maybe not that book or any of them and SOMEONE mentioned it and knew and one of his books was their favorite too... i want to rewatch to see if anyone else knew what he was talking about I was shocked/astonished because seriously nobody knows... my sister, who likes to read now, didn't when we were kids and never read them.... nobody ever around to talk about the books with... I feel weird about this as well, because well I still don't know anyone else in my actual life who has any of these interests..... girl at work is a total Star Wars nerd and I like Star Wars I know more than the casual viewer but I'm not anywhere near her level... and she doesn't do much outside of that universe... there's another lady at work who didn't recognize SA in my con photo but says she watches Arrow.... we shall see... maybe... and while on the topic of work Lisa a co-worker from a prior project who lives in Scotland I spoke with chatted/IM'd on Friday and we had a brief catch up and I mentioned Barroman/HVFF to her and I knew she'd have to at least know who he was, and she did, since she's Scottish... it was nice... because even though she didn't know Arrow or much Who/Torchwood she knows his personality from general Barrowman is awesome and Scottish type stuff... so that was nice... I recognize I'm totally rambling on right now but I'm awake and hoping the Neuro will kick in...

So..... how do I find real in person people... that I'm not kind of afraid of... I'm totally weird.. get me in a contrived situation and I'm generally ok with small talk stuff... more or less... comfort is another thing that I need time to get to, so HVFF day 2 was better than day 1... if i was Day 2 and brought the poster for Stephen to sign I think I'd have said a few of the things I wanted to but alas, I did not... I wasn't so much nervous as I was not wanting to take time away from other people and just being shy... which I think is a funny thing to say about me, because if you know me, at work or are one of the few who know me personally I'm not shy if I know you... quite the opposite really... I'm complicated...

Also... I have about 8lbs to go before my generalized goal that if I hit I will pursue greater efforts ... which I'm kind of excited about... I wrote a while ago about the SA workout videos and how he looked like he was having fun in especially the parkour ones... fun is something I did used to have when i was in dance or at Gram's pool... so lets see what I can find that'd be fun now... not too sure about LA fitness but they have water aerobics which I thin would be a good primer for me to get back at it... I already have the mag bike and god I wish it had a more comfortable seat... I'd do it more often if that were the case... I was going to cannibalize the fly wheel bike's seat but i couldn't get it off... I could always order one.. anyway biking may be a good thing a little ways down the road, I do live right by the goddamn trail..

Anyway I'm going to bed now... my eyes are a little tired so I don't want to keep typing because my mind would totally keep going... goodnight

Ahh Monday

Today was much better than the weekend, had group and briefly chatted about HVFF with 2 peeps at work today.... always remember to just put the shit here and not carry it around :)

Same Old Song

I made an observation at group last time that I don't have friends, primarily because they're hard. Its hard to have people that have any kind of expectation, which inherently friends have. Realizing that that expectation is rarely born with malice doesn't negate the fact that its there. The same is true of me towards friends, I have expectation, I've whittled down my expectations considerably through the years, yet somehow this has never increased my sphere of friends. I've been complaining alot on here lately about my lack of friends, people... and yet still I can't bring myself to subject people to me.

That may sound odd, but if I want a friend... I want someone who knows me... as terrifying as that is for me that's what I want. However what knowing me entails is not something I want to bring to bear on anyone. I'm tough, I'm a tough girl to be friends with. I am moody, I am difficult, I frequently get depressed.... I can do what I did last weekend and be cordial and friendly but nobody knows me.. Clearly a funk has descended upon me this week... it seems to have been ushered in by the fact I enjoyed myself last weekend and have had nobody to share it with...

If all that failure needs is a person frightened of realizing their potential (no truer words have been spoken) then I am utterly and completely terrified of it. Along with terrified of people having to deal with my bullshit. Now I love that quote and its helped me, really it has. But at this moment in time... I'm wondering if i just let myself drift back down and let all the insecurity and self doubt and self hate envelope me like a warm suffocating blanket, or a cold suffocating blanket kind of depends on my point of view/mood at the time of the thought... Weird thing is as many times as I've had that thought today, considered all the ways in my head that ending it could occur... I'm not actually thinking that's a reality at the moment... oddly sometimes it calms me a little to know that the mortality is still there and it is fragile. And putting this here, stops the spinning in my head... it states it out, leaves it so I can return to it later when I'm somewhere better.

The Weekend is here...

So I"m just going to bitch about something right now... you know how I'm like eh borderline hermit? Been trying to get dinner plans done w/friends since literally February... and I'm not even the one who's backed out... I'm slightly annoyed... and I've gotten no responses on any updates if we're going to try this weekend...

Also I'd like a friend somehow that has shared interests so I can talk to someone just shooting the shit you know? *sigh*

Back to the grind n such

I'm back at it, work that is... today is super slow as evidenced by the fact is 10am writing this; the perils of having most of your project coworkers on the west coast I suppose.

I enjoyed the weekend, what I'm finding odd now though is there is nobody I know that enjoys the same things so telling anyone about it is just not doable... which kind of sucks...

And a state of the world rant here... WTF is going on? Seriously we have rogue elements in police departments everywhere and nobody with the balls to set shit straight... someone needs to get on that. Not to mention we have 2 less than ideal presidential candidates, honestly nobody running has been a good choice, the entire lineup I'm talking not one intelligent decent human has run this year.

Also why do people have to be jerks? Seriously attacking people you dont know on social media is its pathetic and sad... why do it? I dont have a life and I dont do that, then again I'm not a completely insane sociopathic crazy person.... crazy sure but not that crazy...

I have a meeting in 2 mins which should start the bulk of my day... and tomorrow's friday so there's that too...

Success!!

I'm home and have been unable to take a nap due to the two felines in my house... but I did have a good time and I'm really glad I went...

I had a good time, fun even... though I think the weird thing is with me.. its fun recalling it but not so sure the in the moment fun happens... does that make sense? Like I feel like I tend to be more pragmatic and reserved in the moment then looking back I can smile etc...

I had SA sign his quote... he didnt recognize it at first and I'm not sure if he's recalled its complete context yet... but I gave him the 2nd copy I took with me because the bolder text was preferred by me... I think I'm going to put it up for fan art friday with a message, because being me everyone I know being able to read stuff is still a bit weird...

Got solo photos w/SA & JB both of which I had slight hair issues with however the combo with both came out well... I've gotten compliments on it, one even said it was a perfect shot ... I'm blushing I swear... and its hard to argue, I've poked about at some of the others, its is pretty darn good and I was the 1st gold in line... so

Both drive's were smooth without issue, honestly only hit traffic right outside Secaucus and then again coming home at the Squirrel Hill Tunnel.... all in all excellent driving

I'm looking forward to the Code8 premiere more now that I've done this, and I feel like I'd do it again... not sure about a bigger one but this size was good.... its reminiscent of the flea market days with Dad, actually its basically that just all topical and with celebrities ... flea markets I'm comfortable with so that was good actually... and the flea we used to do in Raynham was huge I feel like 3x the size of this con, then again i was little so I could be exaggerating I should look it up..

Today's the day

Its 2:30am.... .i woke up, went to sleep early because there was a thunderstorm and no direct tv because of it to keep me entertained for a couple hours.... also my niece was born today!! yesterday actually... anyway my poor sister had 17 hours of labor.... poor girl did not inherit the speedy labor gene from my mom...

so i had a brief moment after waking up of oh shit i'm here, like really here.... which may be why i was unable to fall back asleep right away... thus this post... the drive here was really smooth... no traffic until literally right outside Secaucus and, and I got through the Squirrel Hill Tunnel today without hitting the breaks which is a miracle in itself so it was a good omen :)

I forgot my cerave at home, i knew I'd forget something... and the good 2nd choice lotion is in the car... gotta grab it before heading into the convention tomorrow...I put on the superhero mask nail wraps I got from Geek Fuel months ago since I figured this would possilby be the only occasion I'd have to wear them.... and despite me having to top at rite aid on the way and pick up topcoat since I misplaced mine they're doing pretty well so far, should put a 2nd coat on too before I head to the con... thats in the car too .... i mean the only one thats doing poorly is the one on my crappy nail,which is just a bit oddly shaped compared to the rest of them.... ok i shoulud really try to get back to sleep right?

9 Days away

There are moments where I think about what I'm doing and it scares me shitless for a few seconds... by myself... driving (which isnt the issue) .. and the entirety of the attendees (the issue) which are complete strangers.... I mean as much as I follow SA & JB they're really essentially strangers... deep breath....

Weekends, alone

I spend nearly every weekend alone, every now and then its just almost too much and I wonder why.... but I have a vacation to do, people to meet... a niece arriving soon, but life alone... its lonely....

12am: I walked by the door, there was a breeze I really wish it were raining, sitting on the deck in the rain seems like it'd be an excellent idea right now.... i hope this passes before my vacation.... i really do

Another Summer weekend

Its hot, but not as humid as predicted, so no a/c this weekend.... I'm at home alone again... this is clearly why early summer seems to be the worst for me in terms of mood historically... which I know is weird but I'm weird.

I used to like summer, but not really... I didn't really enjoy certain aspects like those years we went to the Y or such... I liked Center Stage and I liked being a beach bum at Gram's pool... but with the exception of Center Stage, summer was always alone for me.... there were relatively no contact with anyone from school during the summer, no cultivation of whatever friendships I had... this seems to be a trait I continue summer or not....

I'm going to HVFF... one of the girls who runs a twitter account I follow told me that I only walk in the doors alone and I'd be surprised at the friends I'd make when you talk to people... well this may be true... that that is something that I dont excel at, talking to strangers and making friends... but I did finish up letters to both JB and SA, they're okay not sure they're exactly what I'd like to say, I mean I'm not sure they completely convey what I want to say, they're close but there's just something....

I have maybe 4 more days with only 1 HA, since my other one went in for repair... I went to see my audiologist on Tuesday because the left one was like delayed when changing programs.. and it was just weird... also I wanted her to swap the order of the programs so I wouldn't have to thus eliminating the issue... but there is an issue with the left one.. she thinks one mic is out and something might be loose which is causing the syncing issue... said it should take a week to fix... so giving a day for delivery that'd be Wednesday... it is really strange with only one of these in... there are certain places its weirder than others, those are mostly where there is reverb and echo, like the stairwell at work or the ladies room... I catch myself poking my ear to push the missing aid back in.. but its not there...

In sports news... I'm firmly in the Pens camp for the Stanley Cup, seriously I forgot how fun it can be to watch hockey... its like my 3rd tier sport in order of importance, so basically that means I watch if either the Bruins or Pens are in the playoffs/finals... otherwise its generally not in my sphere of consciousness... hopefully we win tomorrow!!

Summer has arrived

So last weekend was Memorial day... I ended up having to get a new computer... why you ask? my laptop's HD died... literally 17 days after the warranty expired... sonofa'

Also its hot... well not hot it was hot and muggy last weekend and i broke down and used the a/c twice... so lost on my July 1st goal...

I had wicked, and i mean wicked insomnia over the weekend, i literally slept 3 hours sunday night.... and like 4 hours saturday night, so it was awesome... i had some neuro monday night and got almost 5 hrs but i was more tired monday than all weekend, go figure

Spent the weekend alone, as per usual... nobody was around... i know, i know.. but the one person i'd have hung out with had plans.... so what did i do? I built a website lol... yes i'm a nerd/geek whatever you want to call me thats me... and frankly i'm more comfortable with that now than i have ever been... still not comfortable with people asking me a question and someone saying she wont know the answer and the person asking me turns to them and says, she knows everything, she'll have an answer.. that i'm definitely not comfortable with still...

The other thing i did this weekend, i now have a ticket to the Nocking Point party and yes I'm still going to HVFF... still a twinge nervous but I'll go.. go the oil changed today for the trip, yes i'm still driving.. yes i'm crazy... but eh...In addition since I'm going to the wine mixer i figured I'd do homework to see if there was a wine i'd like... still dont like red... i bought an arbor mist pinot which i liked, still dont understand people who say wine is refreshing, water or iced tea is refreshing, not sure about wine... my sister was impressed though she said i should try a rose ok... but the pinot is like a full bottle and i've had 2 glasses... it'll take me time to finish that.. so i got baby white zin's they count as rose right? i'm not sold on those....

I think I may actually go see turtles this weekend, supposedly its a fun movie... and SA is in it, so there's that if nothing else... and i like the turtles, the cartoons were my thing when i was younger... the live action movies looked dumb so i never saw those, i think seeing mario brothers just ended me with seeing cartoon/comic movies in the early 90s... and dad owned a video store i coulda seen it whenever..

Anything else to report? oh yeah i replaced my lost zip with a charge HR and a one,.. both together 2nd hand were cheaper than either new... or even the HR 2nd hand... so it worked out....

Its been nice, i kind of want a tan this summer.. its been a long time since i've gotten a proper tan... i wonder if i can even do it anymore lol... i'm such a hermit... speaking of if there are no tstorms tomorrow i may go to the meetup at my neighbors.... if there are tstorms though i may brave opening weekend in the rain to see turtles then....

oh that website i built? its arrowflashbacks.us  I did S4 because I really liked the flashbacks when i cut them all together, they didnt work as well within the bigger season's context but stand alone they were good... so its like a little love letter since they were maligned... i started S3 but thats way more disjointed and harder to figure out the time on... but i took notes and i'll try... i got graphics done for it... if you want to see s4 its arrowflashbacks.us/s4/

ok... signing off... its hot espeically with the laptop on my lap....

Random Updates

• Still mostly okay, this is a streak that has been a long time coming...
• New fitbits on ebay since mine is hopelessly lost, yes 2 for the price of 1 chargeHR & one 
• Officially officially put in for PTO for HVFF, this pretty much means I'm going
• All weekend release again this weekend, BUT I have way way more opportunities to sleep than I did with the first one.
• The lens in my glasses is cracked like hairlines... I need to go get the lenses in the pair i never use swapped to these frames, I like the purple ones better :)

Oddly enough...

Still feeling okay... really quite literally the longest period of okay on the good end of the spectrum in a very long time... Sure I still have those moments of you're a terrible human, no you're going to hate it blah blah etc everything negative always... but they don't stick ... and its refreshing...

So....

So, not sure what last I said, and I'm not gonna check so if there are any repeats, tough. :)

So Aubrey & I are going to the Code8 premiere in LA in 2017, yeah thats a long ways out for me to be planning. Aubrey assures me it'll go by fast, and frankly with her I know I'll have fun. Besides last time we were in LA there was fainting and rescuing and getting lost involved... it was a fun time sorta...

Woah, look at me... seriously next steps are humans... in person friends... the Code8 team is pretty awesome, seriously. Every person involved the media team, Stephen, Robbie, Italia... every person has been so great and as I said their enthusiasm was truly infectious. With 90min to go they are well over 1.7M which is 1.5M more than the original campaign goal!!! I did not win any of the prizes but it was really fun to be a part of.

And to top it off sorta, I took monday off... I was in need of a day off, and my birthday is a handy excuse when it creates a long weekend for me.... I'm actually considering moving my cleaning activities to upstairs... i know right? hallway first dont get ahead of yourself...

Lastly, I am stupid happy that my period has.... ok is winding down, its been a long time since I've had the kind of cramps that required advil.. and if you know me, thats saying something..

VR

My Samsung Gear VR came yesterday, i tried it out today... its pretty cool... not sure I'd have paid for it if it wasnt a promotion to get it free... but its still cool...

Also Code8 is chugging along exceeding all expectation...

I renewed my license, made the pork roast & have laundry going.... not a terrible Saturday...

I think its time to switch out the sweaters and put them away for the summer.. its too bad really I do like sweaters, but there wasnt much sweater weather this year...

Also I was thinking today about the whole people/friends thing... should i, sure yup absolutely.... is that practical, not so sure... can i even do that, again no idea... not my strong suit ... also thought of HVFF and people...

Other thoughts I've lost weight... clothes are oddly fitting now... I could stand to lose a substantial amount more... I think as long as nobody says anything I'll be good, thats oddly the kiss of death for me... someone noticing...

To turn on the heat or not to turn on the heat

Yes my titles are becoming more random, but that's more because I don't want to be repetitive...

Windchills are supposed to be in the teens with the dreaded S word in the forecast tomorrow night.... supposed to be 60 on monday so I *could* tough it out.. but its cold and rainy today and I'm considering caving on my rule of heat off on 4/1 and doesn't go on before 11/1  because that's the rules... we'll see what the weathers like tomorrow before I actually commit to a decision

I read something today, old post by Wentworth Miller, but its a good one overall. There is a passage about how saying self affirming, good speak to yourself can feel empty and just be words. Generally that's how I feel on any kind of talk yourself into it... just say it and you'll believe it type stuff. Honestly, I still do, good advice or not I'm not totally sure I'm sold on the idea, no matter how often a variation has been brought up over the past 28 or so years I've been in therapy of some form or another. But why am I telling you this when I thought its a good post, well its because to just be words with no energy, passion etc is well applicable to just about everything. Self-care or care in general isnt something I'd necessarily ascribe to myself in any form. Generally I don't care, and yes thats intended to be a blanket statement. The measure of which things effect me, emotionally that is, is infinitesimally small, an emotional shell is a fairly apt description. See no matter the energy level, like I had earlier or the lackthereof a month ago or the relative okay ness of right now... caring real actual put yourself into it and feel it caring is not what I do. I mean I care, but i dont Care... if that makes sense. Possibly I'm making it sound worse than it is... or maybe not, the thing is I dont really know. A gauge or having actual emotions to put into a gauge is something I've well crafted and aversion to. I suppose I've gotten somewhat better on what I feel, but I don't know belief in the feeling I'm still unclear on. Again not sure if that makes much sense.

Rare Monday In

Group was cancelled today.. so I had a whole Monday to myself.

You know this whole social media participation thing isnt as scary as I'd thought, granted I'm not offering hug opinions or anything and I have like 33 followers who are like randoms and unlikely to read anything.. so its not like I'm at risk or whatnot. But it is nice.. I also got a meme added to the album today too... I feel like I should go for the hat trick... though fan art friday is slightly out of my wheelhouse, I can photoshop well but art art not so much.... its April, so maybe by July I have 3 months to see if thats possible... unlikely though it is... Its weird how nice it is to have your stuff picked or question answered, its like I'm a little less invisible than normal. I'm okay with it, I mean I even left my name on indigogo whereas normally if I ever contribute to anything its anonymous... like last year i gave to my cousin's donor's choose, 2nd to last day and she had like $48 left to raise so I gave it.. anonymously, I feel like it'd be weird if I'd left my name on it. My other thought that I'm trying to ignore is the whole its unfair that I've gotten in 3 times on SA's page, once to the Code8 update and got a question answered... like thats not fair and I dont deserve that... but I'm really trying to ignore that thought, I've still had the thought but I'm ignoring it... so in the spirit of Wentworth Miller's self-care I suppose that and the nap I took earlier are my self-care for the day...

Stairs

I have 4 runs of stairs in the house, 2 are now clean along with the landings at the bottom and the middle... this is the start of making my way to upstairs and cleaning.... You know a couple months ago when i was go go go wind in my sails etc... yeah it wasn't like that but at least I'm doing something right? Even though I have literally not spoken with another human since Friday, again. I did text Dad but thats' because he wanted me to do something for the gallery, which I did, also told him to go earn some money at MIT we'll see if he actually does that.

Its April, there was snow today, its APRIL... as I said this morning the time for pranks was two days ago. Anyway as its April, I'm wondering what societal collective shit is going to be lost this year, we have a couple weeks til society usually implodes for a few weeks, and always over my birthday... totally unrelated but I notice because well its around my birthday... alright?

The class of ticket I got for HVFF is sold out.. so also I'm realizing I'm going, its slightly giving me anxiety, its also 3 months away...

Social, sorta

So I've been dipping my toes into the social media socializing... not really socializing but how about participating and its going well... let me explain. I've had a twitter account for a while, I seldomly used it but I've started joining the twitter conversations during Lucifer, Flash, Arrow & Legends and I've enjoyed. Also participated in some Q&A and got my question answered, it was an off topic but timely question given someone's Easter weekend antics which got a smile. I've been doing some FanArt stuff for Stephen and got my submission for lightsaber saturday added to the album 2 weeks in a row, dont know if i mentioned it. Also I turned one of them into a Code8 fan art, which was uber appropriate given the original and it got added to the official campaign updates so that was also cool. Next step, human in person friends...

Perks & Crowdfunding

Long weekend, is actually a very welcome thing this weekend. Its the most normal week I've had since like September... like I worked 4 8hr days, save a half hour 7pm call on Thursday but I'm letting that slide.

Code8.com and the Amell crowdfunding movie is up and running, Con Man was fun to contribute to, but this is even more engaging and interactive... which is something considering how engaging Nathan & Alan were for Con Man... PJ too... Just upgraded to the newly unlocked swag bag perk... possibly the perfect perk in my opinion... and i can spend my money how i want... i'm slowly learning... but i cant go nuts...

Seriously this week has been such a nice unwinding from the last 6 months of crazy that had been happening with work.

Jump in, all in!

So I was issued a quazi challenge, my mom told me I didnt know how to spend money on myself, not that it isnt accurate, it is, I *know* how to do it, I just generally dont. Regardless, as a result I got myself a ticket and hotel for HVFF in July... so looks like I'm going alone... shocking!

Spring may be arriving

Don't want to jinx anything, but if this week's forecast is any indication I should be able to put the winter coat away.

So... July.... HVFF? Alone? I feel like I may be able to talk myself into actually doing it... the trick, I think, may be to figure out how to make some acquantifriends until then and maybe have them graduate to friends.... seems simple right? totally not... but perhaps this is the plan as it stands right now.. no tickets bought just yet but I'm close... also I was thinking driving would be less overall hassle but more annoying.... especially the drive home.... though I may able to visit the Sluka's perhaps take a little detour to south jersey? maybe, maybe not; dunno still a few months away...

This weekend I didnt work and its been nice to shut my work brain off for a few days.... I got some errands done, put up some stuff on the walls i'd been meaning to do... two of those things being the hood police sketch and Oliver's booking sheet.... there are two things about teh booking sheet that are annoying, one, its got Stephens' birthday and the profile shot is a mirror not a R/L.... yes I'm aware its a replica/mockup whatnot but i dunno still would have liked at least the bday to have been Olivers...

Also interesting tidbit, perhaps just a tidbit; interesting may be pushing it. I own 2 TV shows, DVD sets I mean.... those are Arrow and LOST. What do they have in common? Well they're layered, with either backstory and/or mythology, which really makes them infinitely rewatchable to see something new or glean something different each time you watch. There should be more shows like these in that respect. In addition to that, they both hold the title of only shows I've purchased tie-in material to, now Arrow is lightyears ahead in the tie-in/companion/enrichment; because lets face it Bad Twin was just not the same thing.

No Work Weekend!

Also HVFF Chicago was this weekend, is this weekend... still got a whole day left, you know less an hour.... Anyway.. I still want to go... even though Kim can't I still want to, which is weird for me... I talked to Mom today and she says I need help spending money on myself and/or my house, ok yeah I'm terrible at it, but baby steps, right? I mean I do now subscribe to Lootcrate, Geek Fuel, Marvel CC & Legion of Collectors... so I sorta spend on myself sometimes... anyway it'd be a good self spend...

I feel like if I bought a ticket now it'd be harder for me to back out, because if I'm going I'm going all in... Gold VIP, and a NP Party.... only real question is do I drive, because if gas keeps going down it'll be cheaper to drive the 6hrs than to fly the one...

I'm going to bed now to ponder my options...

sigh

So, its looking like July is a no-go.... I had still wanted to go.... I kind of still do, but I'm unlikely to go alone...

Workloads, split focus

So I had a really good conversation with my bosses boss tonight. I have too much on my plate and my focus is too split right now... and I need something dropped. Also i have 29 minutes until I'm relieved of phone duty, no calls in the past 5.5 hours, so I'm betting none in the next 29 minutes either...

Weird Day

Its been a weird day, prior post. And I ultimately ended up going to see Deadpool, excellent movie. However I would have enjoyed it more had the people who brought their 10 year old son to the movie kept him in check. Kicking my seat, jumping up and saying "Its Stan Lee, Look Mom its Stan Lee" and a variety of other outbursts. He's 10, not really an appropriate movie for a 10yo.... in my opinion.

Also I rescued some lady in the parking lot, she was near hysterics about being out of gas and realizing she left her wallet at home and living in grove city so she's not near anyone... more of a miracle was I actually had $5 in cash to give her... so that was good

Did everyone skip manners?

So one of my neighbors just walked by with her dog while I was out with trinity, she says hi, how are you... i said fine... she said good your yard is a mess better clean it up

What THE FUCK, seriously lady? There's a branch in the yard, yeah and I fucking hurt my ankle a couple weeks ago so I've not been very able to do shit.... seriously fuck off, dont say anything.. plus its fucking winter, its not like there's grass...

2 hours later, I'm in a terrible mood and it all started with that bitchy neighbor, granted my weeknd has been crap with the release and the sleep deprivation, and today's mandatory call was changed from 11:30 to 2:30, which frankly irritated me because I had planned on seeing Deadpool when I got up this morning at the 3pm show... well that got screwed up, I mean sure I can see when the next time is but I'm in a bad mood will it make me feel any better? Also I dont want to do any laundry... I'd like a laundry fairy.... did the minimum of grocery shopping, they had one old lady at the deli counter with no numbers and a line, I passed, I'll do it later.... and forgot trinity's treats, aka the bribes she gets at night to give me my bed....

Saturday

So, the release actually has gone pretty smoothly, for the pieces which I was responsible for... no emergency calls, just a bunch of meetings from 2am til 3pm with basically napping between... which amounted to 7hrs of fragmented sleep....

However highlight of the saturday, my Lightsaber Saturday submission got put into the album, yay. So that was cool, and a comment somewhat challenging a variant edit was taken up and submitted for the commenter.... apparently sleep deprivation is good for my creativity...

I decided to not go see Deadpool, because frankly I'm afraid of falling asleep... meeting tomorrow at 11am should be the last, if that goes well I think I'll go tomorrow, fingers crossed...

Atypical

Ok, this is release weekend but I got a really nice email from a coworker...

Setting it up he sent out an email and then asked me if he sounded like an asshole, he didnt. I told him he didnt and besides I run a greater risk of coming off as a bitch in my emails than he does of being an asshole.... this was his reply

Wheewww, that’s good then.  Once they go out, I’ve never had much success getting them back.  Thanks for the input.

Even though you didn’t ask, in my opinion your one of, if not the most, knowledgeable and smartest people I’ve worked with on this project.  So every time I get an email from you I expect to learn something new.  Even if it’s not always good news or something I want to hear.  In a pleasantly clear a frank tone to boot.

Pleasantly unexpected.... now i have to endure wakenness and oncallness for 43 of the next 48 hours, fun times!

Release Week

Or Hell week, whichever is your pleasure... no really though everyone wants everything now now now, and goddamn no... no no no... ridiculous

Ankles feeling better.... actually I took a step Saturday and got a loud pop, after which my ankle actually felt much better... which still makes me wonder if I somehow was walking on it dislocated or out of joint and didnt realize it... I can usually tell when its out of joint and pop it back... nevertheless, feels better gonna continue the brace through the week, hopefully should be good 2 weeks i'm thinking will be okay, if its still wonky i'll do the neoprene support next week been using it for bed, because I'm not wearing the brace to bed...

Nothing too exciting has happened, mostly because all I've done is go to work and home, or WFH several days because after Monday at work, I PAID for that... ouch... so WFH Tue, Thur & Fri... that probably also helped, and didnt leave the house til Sunday when I finally did some grocery shopping since the cupboard was practically bare...

Interacted a bit more online with the Arrowverse, Arrowheads fandom etc etc... its okay... I'll continue... also I'm totally still disappointed with the X-Files... they could have done such a better job... I mean in 6eps it could have been so succinct and complete a story, but nope, its like oh we'll start abandon what we started with and maybe in next weeks finale sew it all up? I do kinda feel sorry for Lauren Ambrose & Robbie Amell, because, like them both but ugh tonight's episode was kinda terrible... where is the 90s X-Files I remember?

Ok I said my peace... g'night

Arrgh

Its only 10am, I'm irritable, my boss is really on my last nerve today and my ankle is still injured... I want a break, i had a break over the weekend but i need one again, its annoying, i'm annoyed... really I'm on a short fuse today.... plus snow so i had to shove my braced ankle into my boot, which doesnt fit very well... its awesome... yup thats my day so far... maybe it'll get better with the 7hours of meetings that start at 11... woo right?

Well... that was... interesting

So that game was interesting... not a particularly good game, I liked the description of peculiar, seems most fitting...

I feel slightly better now than earlier, also I didn't do anything I needed to do, I figured ankle rest would be better, and it's been better. Though I have adjusted my gait to use more knee than ankle.... good thing I'm skilled at the ankle injury walk... but this isn't a sprain, I kind of wonder what it was, but as long as its getting better I'm not complaining...

Also, I need to figure out the people thing.... really....

Low key

I slept til after 10 today, I dont even know when the last time I did that was.. I feel so blah... also my ankle, but its not as bad as the other day, i have no clue what I did.... but as long as its mostly flexed i'm good... new tails on my HA today too, they arent slipping anymore, which is nice... I'm hoping this is temporary, I was kind of liking the not depressed Christine.... I mean she still had some thoughts but it was more up than anything...

Where's the wind?

The wind has totally disappeared from my sails... didn't want to do anything today, and compared to the past month or two its eh... like last weekend i had to do things, i couldn't sit still... not so much today... also I did something to my ankle a couple hours ago, its like pinched or something, little stabby on the decompress on a step, and i cant find my freaking brace... how come when i don't need it i know where it is and the minute i need it its gone...

I had a brief moment of inspiration for the munny i've had and couldn't find it, so got 2 on ebay then promptly found mine.... started well kinda started the project i'd thought of... am i so bleh because i'm not working and i've been working so much and friday was totally not frantic paced?

Ugh, wind gone... :(

Minor Miracles

A minor miracle occurred today, all my meetings after noon got cancelled! It was like my typical day lately was flipped, back to back 8-12 then nothing. I almost didn't know what to do with myself I had so much time. I left ON TIME, promptly came home and took a nap! A nap!

SO, it seems i'm continuing...

It'll slack off eventually, I'm sure of it

Anyway, I think I need people... like live in person people, outside of work people... you know friend people... they're so hard to find, and even harder to make, then you have to put in some degree of trust.. hardest part.... so I contemplate that...

Saw the psychiatrist today for my med refill.... asked me how i was, I said actually not too bad, feeling kinda good the past month or so, he's like interesting, thats opposite... meaning its not seasonally typical, I said well my last really bad spell was like in July a few years ago.... that really had no point did it? nope not at all...

Hey I'm twittering now... just for the show mainly, but its not too terrible, I dunno I still dont think anyone cares what I have to say, but the fandom tie ins are better than twitter in general I think... yup thats it for today, see you next time in Christine's boring life.. the blog...

Superfluous activities

This is a work rant... why the hell would you have me do a prototype/mockup of pages that are freeform, and the responsibility of ANOTHER PROJECT because you dont understand or have not paid attention to anything? Why because its seriously grating my patience that this task is so unnecessary because these things ALREADY EXIST, we arent creating them, we arent responsible for them, all we're doing is delivering a new workflow mechanism to get them approved, thats it. no UI front end anything... gah!

Velcro

So I'm WFH tomorrow since I have a psych appt in the mornin for some refills... I hope the break will be good, I feel slightly discombobulated lately, like I need a mental health day, but not really... I think its more like I need a real break, like something that'll completely take me out and have a mental break... like a break/relax not a break breakdown... maybe its just because I worked over the weekend, even though I did go to the movie on Sunday... and this morning was pretty relaxing, I mean I had one half hour meeting all morning, granted my calendar was back to back to back from 1-5 but hey, that's what you get when 95% of the project team is in California... What did I do all morning that was relaxing? I macrosized a workbook/template for content, because I needed to add two fields and it was hurting me that it was so terrible when it could be so much easier... and I had the time with no meetings and all... so I did that... I really wish though I could work slower sometimes, I mean before I did that I got two tables updated and sheets sent out... like it should take me longer, it doesn't, it should, it takes other people longer....  anyway, that's it... at least I can listen to some music tomorrow... I really kinda do miss headphones, especially when I don't seem to have 8+ hours of meetings on my calendar now... which don't get me wrong is lovely, its just something is missing when its quiet and you're just working.... need some music... I should probably call the audiologist and get my thingie programmed so it'll stream music from my phone, but I don't necessarily want to use my data.. and the laptop at work has bluetooth disabled, since bluetooth is the technology the transmitter thingie uses.... turns the HA's into headphones essentially... basically its a $450 toy I got and haven't really used.. Like I wanted it for the calls, but I gave up because my particular phone apparently doesn't like to play nice... so whatever, but it would probably be nice to use it

ALSO why is the conjunction don't in the spellchecker dictionary, i get the red squiggly with "dont" but I never get the correct option, whats with that?! Had to add it to the dictionary my self... its a common word people, why would it be left out?

oh if you were confused about the title, i couldn't think of one, but the cat is having a grand old time playing with a velcro cord keeper thing... its kind of like when i used to find passwords with whatever junk was around, random selection... ahh back when passwords could be way more common, but still not easy to remember if said object was removed from the room

Captain Obvious declares that it is February

Yup it is.. and we start February on a Monday no less...

Today was fine, group was fine, small crisis with work when I got home a half hour ago, thats resolved, I did realize I have a doctors appointment Wednesday Morning, so thats probably going to end up a WFH day... which isnt bad.... there is about a 10% chance I'll need to go to Carlsbad next week so I'm thinking I'm in the clear for travel, but Tues/Wed will be pacific hours I believe....

So overall not a bad Monday

Theater

3rd post of the day, wow... okay I watched Grease Live tonight, it exceeded all expectations, and frankly I didn't have many to begin with, considering the history of the live musicals .... but this, this was phenomenal, seriously, even with the audio glitches I cant even. That cast ran around a lot for 2 hours to pull that off.

Now why am I posting, well last night I had a musical day/night.... watched Rent, listened to the original cast on Friday night I think, along with Damn Yankees... and watched that Anna Kendrick The 5 year thing also, though that was more along the lines of the stage production of rent with very little actual dialog, i started paying attention about a third of the way in, i think if i see it all i may like it more.. anyway again i'm losing track... the point... well the point is theater and musical theater are two things that i used to love, performing and attending.... and I have not done either in ages, ages, at least mmm 15 years probably, whenever the last time I saw rent was, actually that was probably 1999, so 17 years.. also did you know I used to go to theater camp in the summer, so much fun... we got to put on a show at the end and do all sorts of fun quirky things all summer, you know improv theater and just stuff, believe me if you like it it was fun.... and I didnt perform senior year because well I was depressed, and that's really too bad for me... like it was something i did love and i just never did again... i mean that rush, the anxious butterflies all mixed with the exhilaration yup... that was something, that was a feeling.... i mean there is theater here downtown, they get touring shows, good ones too, but i don't really have any theater friends here.... and i kind of feel like going to a show alone is far and away harder than going to a movie alone and that took me a good long time to do, and be okay doing...

Like when we'd go see RENT, it was immersive, also if you were so inclined, and my friends and I were to hang out by the stage door after the show to say hi, congratulations, good show and all that.. I was never interested in the autographs.... partially because its not my thing, but also because those were some of the best times doing a show, all the thanks at the end, the flowers the gifts the everything, yeah that all was usually closing night but whatever... you know what I'm saying.. and I'm saying right now its something I miss... something I stopped doing, something I should start again... somehow... I don't know how... but I should... I really did love it...

Room

I did go out and see Room today, just got home actually.... It was an excellent movie, I'm slightly emotionally numb from it but not as much as I'd expected and almost hoped... I dunno that may sound weird, but there are movies and things that zap you, its kind of a reset sometimes. Like American History X its one of those movies thats so draining it provides a good reset... nevertheless, excellent movie. Brie Larson deserves all the awards she's receiving.

And there were 2 previews that I'd like to see, they'll be going on my flixter list... My Name is Doris and Demolition .... i think those are the names...

Sunday morning thoughts

So, last night, I started re-reading this blog... and I'm kind of surprised, but not really surprised there's another word, ummm, i'll think of it... anyway in my early entries i'm very angry, like very pissed off angry at everything... and my moods they were all over the damn place... now I get angry, sure, I still have a temper but its not so pervasive... so is that growth, correct medication, group? I don't know, but its something I didn't expect... like generally I don't think i'm that much of a different person than I was... maybe now except for this small thing... I mean I'm still an isolated person who really doesn't trust anyone, but I'm trying right now... I really am... and its new for me...

I read 2 articles this weekend about Arrow, both of which I thought were good... also kind of illustrate the reasons I like the show...

• Oliver and Felicity's Relationship on Arrow Finally Makes Sense to Me (io9)
• How "Arrow" hit the jackpot with Original Team Arrow (moviepilot) 

Now the former really kind of highlights some things I've thought about Felicity but hadn't been able to crystallize into a cohesive thought... however the article does a fantastic job of it... and none of it was surprising to me, like think about it... she's a genius, she joined the gang and had no objections other than moral ones, meaning no social objections... and we've not heard or seen any friends outside of the OTA associates... so that means she's a loner, she's got no pressing social life or friends that would be a reason not to join... so not surprising, also the old/new felicity has enough bearing to what I can relate to that I do enjoy that dynamic, hallucinatory as it may have been... 

Also I'm thinking I'm going to the movies today, Room is playing at Cinemark, which is so much better than the waterfront... 

Dry Run Day

So its dry run day, and I just need to vent a little. I've been checking my email periodically today to see how the dry run is progressing. Since the portion I'm responsible for is scheduled for 10pm, you know to see if everythings on time etc etc. Well the PM on another one of the tracks keeps emailing me and its like whiney, super whiney. I say this is what needs to be done, my boss tells him to do it, he emails me that he cant do it without me, he needs my help because he's responsible for it. Why the fuck is it my problem to DO something YOU are responsible for? grr!!

I'm not checking again for a few hours but goddamn he's annoying.

Its 8:44  - I got my list at 8 instead of 10pm, which is awesome, because that means as of right now my activity is DONE... now I'm just on call for the rest of the weekend.

And whiney person, I replied to and then replied to everyone and said the same thing I've been saying for a month, perhaps people will listen now....

I also had a weird idea that if i had RENT on I could have a better dry run, didnt exactly work that was as Mr Whiney annoyed me still... but my favorite scene is on now... though dont worry I still like the musical better than the movie :)

Last Friday of January

And I left work ON TIME, well technically early but thats because I'm working tomorrow... BUT I did not log back in to do work... I"ll do that tomorrow...

Got some of the shelves organized.... also there is a 4th Tardis on the top of the bookcase...

Today wasnt too bad, I'm mildly feeling guilty about not logging back in but I have to do it tomorrow so .... just regular mundane stuff today, no deep thoughts

Uncharacteristic

But I asked Kim if she'd like to go to the rescheudled HVFF and she said yes, but gotta wait to closer to the time, plus its a holiday weekend. But i'm kinda excited that we'll go.... dont want to get my hopes up though, but she seemed excited...

that is all.... work is long hours for at least the next 3 weeks til the release... but this is a good thing to look forward to.. road trip too... weekend of the 4th, i'm thinking it'll be good....

Happy Hump Day

Today was the longest day on my calendar, but it was just normal late because I skipped/bowed out of the last 2 meetings, sorry meetings scheduled literally from 8:30 through 9pm just isnt fair, espeically since that included meetings scheduled over lunch... yeah so 12.5 hours of my calendar was filled.... you know sometimes I wonder if i could/should just do 8 and be done... the long hours this month are relentless.... and frankly its not the longness of the days thats bad its the soul sucking conference calls that make up the long day that is the problem...

also i blocked off tomorrow morning so i can whip up a correction file for about 200 or so SKUs thats gonna be fun, i briefly entertained starting that tonight but then I thought better of it

in other unrelated news/comments, Arrow had the best episode thus far of the season tonight, also Criminal Minds is totally lackluster .... i mean i can tetris through the whole thing and not care... yep Wednesdays are pretty thin on the scheduled entertainment... so its just 8pm which is Arrow, shoulda really not stopped watching in the first place, but I suppose it all comes in when it needs to and I'm slowly turning a corner I think... slowly, with apprehension... but still not turning tail.... because what I'm excellent at, ignoring and running... thats what I do when its about me... if its about you watch out I'll bite your head off, seriously the Irish Temper with Italian Attitude is really an excellent summation

Not really an eventful Tuesday

Yeah so technically its wednesday already, but i have not gone to bed yet so it still counts

Yeah not much of an eventful day at all, in the least, nothing... I'm still in that weird mood where like I want something, but I'm not totally sure what it is.... and I'm questioning how I can be alone this much normally and it not bother me like its been i dont know bother may be a too harsh a word... it i have no idea there's a better word out there somewhere... need a friend, some friends... people to talk with, shoot the shit, just similar interests, i've said this before, i think... like this month... or at least in the last 2 months... ok i did the day so i'm off now... 4 more days to do every day and my self-challenge will be concluded, the entries will happen when they happen after that...

EDIT -- you know what it is... its like i've started little bits of things, like getting lunch with a coworker that gives me like a tiny social outlet, like a foot in the door kind of thing.. and its like when i dont interact with anyone its like nothing because well i'm not interacting and there's no expectation of interaction and its just well its easier to be in the isolation zone than in this weird spot i've put myself... granted not a bad thing just kinda strange...

Monday, again, this seems to happen a lot

Monday's that is...

The CA peeps are in a workshop all week, that means I may get to leave work ON TIME all week, theoretically.... I mean i still have to work Saturday for the dry run, but I have no idea when the last time I worked normal hours for a WHOLE WEEK....

Nothing else really interesting happened today, no big revelations... group was fine... though I was tickled going to group because the last song I listened to was KMFDM Dogma.... not sure why that tickled me so but it did... :)

Todays bag of Clementines suck

They're terrible, just like the AFC game... I swear the minute Gostkowski missed the extra point, it was like any momentum that was gained was lost and it really never got regained....

Also I feel strange... I have really enjoyed the whole HVFF vicarious through social media thing, and I wholeheartedly admire SA for his commitment to the event and the way he rallied and turned it into what may have been the greatest blizzard event ever... also I kind of was wondering what would happen if SA, JB & Eve Myles were ever in something together or at a panel or in a show... have you seen those interactions I feel like it'd be hilarious.... I kind of really want to go to one now... that in itself scares me... also I've felt weird all week actually, like work is super annoyingly weird and i also feel like the whole china piece is fucked up.. and i dont have the motivation to try to correct it... I"m just so done with the whole damn thing, i want something new.. but i want it to go in sucessfully... its all weird, i know.. and i have to work next weekend for a dry run too... i dont know... bleh

also the bag of clementines are going in the trash on wednesday night for trash day thursday... i've had 2 they suck, maybe i'll try a 3rd but i'm not hopeful at all

Sunday Morning

You know, yes the "you" again... I'd been thinking this is set up as an emotional repository and my random goal to write something every day turned it back into more of a journal I think... and I dont know but I almost think it still is... or something like, I wonder if my unusual mood lately means something unlocked again... that chink got bigger... like I feel... that sounds pretty strange I"m sure but its like I think I'm starting again... and perhaps thats why my mood's been kind of all over the place lately... i was up for so long, longer than usual or in a great long while... and maybe I'm just feeling what a "normal" person would who doesnt interact with any actual humans... like i'd said being alone and cut off is hard.. and it is, but it was doable... i'm thinking at the moment it may not be as doable anymore...

In addition I enjoyed the living vicarously or attending vicarously through all the people who posted photos and videos from HVFF/Nocking Point party yesterday... and I commented a few times yesterday and people understood my references... that rarely ever happens in real life... seriously... i'm either talking too technical, obscure facts or any of my fandoms (it seems kind of weird to acknowledge that since I'm normally not, hmmm) and i get the proverbial "nod and smile" from the person I'm talking with who has no clue what I"m saying... that was nice... I'm kind of virtually diping my toe in the water of people... and I'm pretty sure if HVFF came anywhere close by Kim would actually go with me... if i asked.... but I do still think that if it were in pittsburgh and i had the opportunity to volunteer that'd get me there because I'd have an obligation... strange unusual but i think ultimately good things afoot in my person lately....

And I dont recall if i said this yesterday but the entire coverage of HVFF and SA & JB's interactions just make me want to go even more and I totally admire the fact that they all enjoy each other and I'm betting really like to go to work and hang out and play pretend all day with each other... not just them but the entire cast... and I'm thinking its the entire cast of all 3 shows, not just arrow.... its really nice to see