A few thoughts...

Stephen is presently staring at me from my TV, that photo with his hands to the lens is one that is a background and it came up in the rotation.... thats not necessarily what I wanted to say... tonight he posted on fb that he had a brief scare last week when he got his nose xrayed, they saw something thaty needed to check again... and he reflected on his charity work and his family and all the crap that comes along with life and getting caught up in the things that are really not as important.... and something along the cancer front has happened to me once and the whole hearing debachle thing was another where I got vague answers no they weren't answers they were well it could be a million things lets do some more testing... i recall the cancer thing, it was they were afraid I may have lukemia my white cell count was high and sustained high for at least 6 weeks... so I ended up having several appointments with an oncology hematologist... i recall sitting in the waiting room there and being like damn.. also at the time I was secretly hoping it was it too... so it was a weird thing... like it was scary to  an extent... but also I was depressed at the time too, not bad but my general level of fuck this'd'ness .... so having a concrete real likely terminal possibly anyway diagnosis seemed better somehow... more concrete, real, something people could wrap their heads around and not give me second looks and weird glances for me being in a mood.... it wasnt.. but it was an experience, especially since I did it all alone and didnt really tell anyone, I asked my aunt a couple cryptic questios but thats about it... i dont even think she said anything to my mom because my mom is my mom and we all know what kind of hysterics that could have created... whats weird is my hearing didnt really phase her so much... that is something that effected me then and effected me 2 years ago when I had to concede to getting hearing aids.. i used to sing, i used to not be terrible, i made madrigals so you know... anyway hearing is something that was useful to me at one point or is, describing my relationship with hearing is odd.... music is literally a lifeline for me sometimes and the prospect of losing that ability well I dont like to think about it so i lock it away... its kind of funny that of anything in my life that is the one thing that upsets me every time if i venture down that path..