Patterns

I considered commenting about this in group; but others had real world tangible problems to discuss... Ever catch yourself kind of redoing old habits? Knowing its an old habit and not really caring? So I've lost weight, a good amount and I haven't been 'trying'; trying to me implies that I'm dieting which I'm not, I've just made some changes, ones I've made before and they work. The pattern noticing thing I've recently done though is mildly something.... so food and I have a terrible relationship. I don't necessarily enjoy food, its more a means to an end most of the time; and something to do when bored if i'm being honest. And what I've caught myself doing is giving myself 'rules' not huge drastic rules but rules nonetheless, which could potentially lead to some less healthy rules I've made in the past... does that make sense? Like I want to continue, but I don't know if I want to fall into those old habits, effective though they are they are not the most healthy.

Like I get through live more often than not setting a little goal at some point in the not too distant future to keep me going, seriously. Erica's HS graduation was pretty much one of the only reasons I didn't try to kill myself again after I left college. Then like I had to move out of my aunt/uncles when I'd been back in MA... then Erica's College graduation gave me another 3-4 years.... then after I moved here I dont recall all those little goals that I'd set some have been ridiculous some life events like above... the cats definitely helped too. Erica's wedding was a recent goal, HVFF was a goal, Thanksgiving to see Ellie is a goal, the Code 8 premiere is a goal.. thats the furthest one out right now... why did I mention this? well I set myself a little goal to be able to fit into the merch from Code 8 since it topped out at 2x which I've accomplished.... I'm presently bidding on something in an auction, its a regular XL and I think I'd like to see if I could do that before next years HVFF in Oct... but I almost dont want to set it since I dont want to disappoint myself hence why the old habits have maybe resurfaced or at least thinking of them have... Is this something worthwhile to bring up or am I just pontificating myself into overblowing something? This is also the dead zone of the summer with little to no external entertainment to distract me from myself... partially the cause of the craftsplosion I think... I have a meeting in 4mins because California... but I figured I should put down these thoughts because as I said earlier in the day its blah right now.. but its weird I can do the day and people but when i get home ugh...