Same Old Song

I made an observation at group last time that I don't have friends, primarily because they're hard. Its hard to have people that have any kind of expectation, which inherently friends have. Realizing that that expectation is rarely born with malice doesn't negate the fact that its there. The same is true of me towards friends, I have expectation, I've whittled down my expectations considerably through the years, yet somehow this has never increased my sphere of friends. I've been complaining alot on here lately about my lack of friends, people... and yet still I can't bring myself to subject people to me.

That may sound odd, but if I want a friend... I want someone who knows me... as terrifying as that is for me that's what I want. However what knowing me entails is not something I want to bring to bear on anyone. I'm tough, I'm a tough girl to be friends with. I am moody, I am difficult, I frequently get depressed.... I can do what I did last weekend and be cordial and friendly but nobody knows me.. Clearly a funk has descended upon me this week... it seems to have been ushered in by the fact I enjoyed myself last weekend and have had nobody to share it with...

If all that failure needs is a person frightened of realizing their potential (no truer words have been spoken) then I am utterly and completely terrified of it. Along with terrified of people having to deal with my bullshit. Now I love that quote and its helped me, really it has. But at this moment in time... I'm wondering if i just let myself drift back down and let all the insecurity and self doubt and self hate envelope me like a warm suffocating blanket, or a cold suffocating blanket kind of depends on my point of view/mood at the time of the thought... Weird thing is as many times as I've had that thought today, considered all the ways in my head that ending it could occur... I'm not actually thinking that's a reality at the moment... oddly sometimes it calms me a little to know that the mortality is still there and it is fragile. And putting this here, stops the spinning in my head... it states it out, leaves it so I can return to it later when I'm somewhere better.