Its one of those days and its only 3:30 am

I just dont feel like sleeping, thats weird right? Like I'm pretty damn sure if i lay down I could fall asleep... I just I dont feel like it... I entertained myself mostly with cartoons, netflix justice league... and while it serves the entertainment purpose it doesnt do much else, which I kind of needed but now I want more... like it was a good brain break... now its working again... make of that what you will...

So I did a short tour of Michael Rosenbaum on Youtube, some Stephen Amell and now I'm watching some Smallville again... its weird or maybe not now that I have both Arrow and Smallville I tend to rewatch things that have spoken to me in some way... just watched Homecoming which served the lesson of not dwelling on the past and moving forward... sound like a familiar theme right? Like all of S5 so far; but its much easier said than done... because what does moving on and forward require, it requires trust, to some extent to move forward.. and its just something i am perennially in short supply of...

Also its totally trash day, i thought it was moved a day because of the holiday but when I took trinity out earlier 11ish; almost everyone had the trash out and i looked it up, i think its today; says it moves when the holiday falls m-f and technically the holiday was sunday though its observed on monday so I kind of think the trash is picking up in a few hours and I didnt put it out, I mean i dont have much to put out I eat sandwiches and thats a paper towel and I'm home so really not much in the way of trash generation... i have recyclable stuff to put out but whatever... but hey I did my errands got the stuff i needed; litter, dogfood, rock salt, misc groceries... also swung by bestbuy and got a chromecast, because neither youtube app lets me watch purchases on my other two devices, which is bullshit but whatever $35 is a small price for convenience and I dont care....

I do wonder sometimes if anyone reads these and is like what the fuck is she talking about... i type as i think or think and type its a whole very little in the way of filter from my brain to these words... now can i write more thoughtfully and cohesively, sure I can... but that takes effort, which I dont feel like expending unless I want to make a point and make it to people I know, like I did with the Robin Williams thing... also this track pad thing on my current laptop has gotten way more sensitive lately, and I cant figure out how to turn it off again, which is irritating...

Back to ramblings... Smallville Oliver is the same Oliver but less damaged... I like both but I totally like damaged Oliver more... or less repaired whichever it is, Hartley's Oliver had some lows but not quite like Amell's Oliver has... the latter of which is more relatable to me... the whole damaged, pushing away stuff I've mentioned beore... also btw Smallville's finale totally makes way more sense in context... I'd watched prior to moving here and just kind of dropped off and I know I watched the finale but totally more sense has been made since watching it through...

Also I'm 37 and basically I'm a weird child... I mean what's changed since I was sixteen? I pay all my bills now and actually live alone, instead of wherever, I mean going to work is just like going to school at least in terms of schedule and social interaction... of which I had none after school and none after work so basically I've been stagnant for 20 years... which is super depressing if you think about it... I've done zero with my life, my job could go on without me... I mean what do I contribute to the world? Nada, I mean really... I do still think if I exited prior to Ellie being conciously aware of me it'd be better for her.. oh and my stupid insurance comapny made it official today they wont renew my policy because the fucking driveway couldnt get fixed "in time" which is utter and complete bullshit... its a tiny driveway and getting it fixed is not an easy task as it falls to the bottom of the list because realistically there's little profit margin in it unless you exorbitantly overprice it which I just ignore you because thats fucking irritating... not that I dont get it, I do but not really worth it..

I'm totally just randomly brain to words here now this is how I think though jump around hey jump jump can you keep up? few can... whatever I think I've tortured you enough with this for now... I sense that its going to be more frequent before it subsides again... and there is still Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun and Monday left for me to be alone... thats 5 days, didnt I say 4 earlier? maybe I forgot what day it was... going back to not sleeping again... I'm thinking this episode then the finale and maybe the one before the finale then switch over to arrow and the hits I love ...

Did I mention, before I go that my code8 stuff got screwed up somewhere, I'm annoyed but totally chill about it, which is somewhat weird... because I got a ton of stuff, and I got literally the 4 least costly things I purchased... whateves... hopefully someone will get back to me by friday and if not by the new year, if not by then 2nd week if i'm around I'll remind... remind me kay? kay... ok saving and exiting and returning to the tv now....