its been a bit

So i felt like I needed to put in an update, med change didnt help, just gave me headaches... so that is a no go... back to normal meds... appt on the 1st

I've felt better since Tuesday, mostly like normal again... like normal for me, not necessarily normal good if that makes sense

Got the furnace fixed, it wasnt the fan, the door wasnt hitting the sensor thing right, all the guy had to do was bang it back into place and straighten it out... so i'll have heat when i turn it on...

saw margaret yesterday.... i dont know... i've never really liked individual, like its a necessary evil.. she encouraged me to reach out to the people from group.. i still dont know what i'm gonna do about my house... its in desperate need of cleaning, more than cleaning... ahh well... maybe i will make it to 40...

here's the update

saw Margaret on Friday morning, went to work ... it was a bit iffy to start off but there was like NOBODY in the office quite literally, I think I only spoke with Aprile and that was brief... so it wasn't bad ...

didn't fall asleep well at all last night, now its Saturday and i'm back to okay, though i' mostly okay when there are no other people, the people are the problem.. so if i can stay away from people i'm okay right? i have a whole weekend to figure that out while being alone... that worked last weekend but it was no longer viable by Wednesday when i had to leave work...

we shall see how this med change does...

going to try to sleep

had a bottle of neuro hopefully that helps

i had like 3 hrs sleep last night and i think i might have taken a 20min nap this afternoon? i dunno i had my fitbit off...

also i hate that i can be okay after a few hours of alone time then the minute i encounter something/one everything is shot to hell

status

did not go to work today

went to pdoc... he's going to increase wellbutrin for 1mo... then if that hasn't helped he's going to go back down on the dose and add lamictal... because apparently he's added bipolar as a diagnosis now... eh

also its fairly remarkable how much less stressed and irritable i am without external stimuli from other humans... going to the office today was a bit annoying but now that I've been home for a few hours i'm okay again.... yet i was 'okay again' Wednesday before i went to work and it didn't take much to set me off

have an appt with Margaret in the morning, told work i may be in after..

spoke with aubrey... we're still here... we're amazed at that... we're like 6mos to 40...

its almost 4am and i have not been able to fall asleep

so, after 2 hours of trying without sucess i'm just going to type something here in hopes that my brain will quiet enough for me to at least get a nap

i dont know if i'm going to work today... i had to leave work yesterday at like 11.. i was more irritable than i've been in quite a while and i was physically feeling the irritation and i was doing all i could to not snap at people... so i left, both in self preservation and surrender to the fact that i could not recover and get it back under control.... its been a while... i used to be like this alot more often... hair trigger, anything would set me off... i cant do that again, its not fair to anyone....

so group made me promise to be safe and call for the pdoc appt tomorrow today whatever and i said i would, i think i will but i dont know what to do about work.. do i go do i stay what i dont know... i'm better after i've been alone for a bit, nobody, no external sttimuli... just nothing... music, tv, youtube whatever distracts me and somewhat relaxes me... i have 6 now 5 PTO days, well i only used 6ish or so hours today esterday, but i know i know its been a while coming i know i could see it coming for a while now even maybe the past yearbut i didnt want to believe it and i honestly didnt think i'd end up with this irritablility again.. i'm typing with my eyes closed, that is a skill i have, which is nice which is why i can turn to talk to someone and keep talking... i can type, thats something..

i just want to sleep right now, thats all i want and i know i came back from work and slept for like 3-4 hours or whatever then i took a nap again when i got back from group, i've been napping alot lately.. i still have the fucking fan to fix, but it'll be in the 80s for the next week so its not like its necessary but it will be... bonjovi's as my guitar lies bleeding just came on... its like a hug sorta, i dont know what it is but i like it... i like these days its one of my favorite albums but i need sleep but this song is so nice... ok i think maybe i've rambled enough that i can sleep though i still dont know what i' mdoing about work in the morning or in a few hours or whatever,

ughhhhh

I'm texting with Aubrey because I'm trying to accept the realization that I may need to change my meds... and i hate it, i loathe that... but i'm not blind... i prefer to ignore and shit but i know im not right... and the hearing aid breaking is such and objectively stupid thing to throw me into a tailspin

have to make an appointment for next week, i'm just trying to talk myself into saying something... also wednesday is the last group...

ugh

today just sucked, all around

went to the audiologist, my receiver did go bad, but there were none in stock... so she ordered me one that'll ship to me by monday... but not only that but my appointment was a half hour late, because the dude before me came in late ... so... i was in no better mood when i got back to work i really wanted to just go... but i was going to stay for a meeting which i did then i got an email with some data mining to do and that occupied me for enough time.... then i did some of the annual training, which i can complete tomorrow

i just dont feel like i got anything done at all... so i left at 4:30 which is technically early due to the appointment debachle but whatever... i got home and took a nap with the weitghted blanket, that was nice, got up, dinner, trinity out, good place .. so now i've been putzing around for the past 2 hours... right now listen/watching a rhettandlinkast and then i think i'm going to turn in with my weighted blanket

blah

crap breaks

okay so, last night i tried to sleep with just the white noise but my brain wanted to run away about the heater/fan situation... which i totally need to rectify if i'm to survive the winter and have heat... i've been playing the book of mythicality at night to fall asleep because its distracting enough that my brain doesnt run away, i've read and listened to the book so i dont feel like i'm missing anything to fall asleep and the guys voices are soothing, more rhett's than links but they work

today i've been in a funk, plus my hearing aid broke this morning, i'm hoping its just the receiver but fuck its out of warranty and those things are pricey; its not that i dont have the money for it but thats besides the point.. plus they arent covered by insurance because why would they be that'd be too useful... got an appt tomorrow to see if its just that otherwise goddamn... plus the tinnitus that i've now had all day has been super fucking annoying, along with people being super fucking annoying and i had it, i'm out i'm fucking exasperated with the day...

went to group... next week is the last group.. margaret is pausing group for the winter, which i get i'm not keen on driving up there in winter weather every week at night so thats fine but that also means i gotta switch back to individual and group > individual... so i'm not 100% sure how i feel about any of that, particularly because i havent been great... i've been okay insofar that i'm functional but i'm not great, we'll see how this goes

got home, watched that new show a million little things... i'm not sure about it, its not bad, its not exceptional, its good i like the cast... but i'm not sold just yet

listened to an old rhettandlinkast and it entertains me, i have that entire library to go through which is nice, since i've gone through i think all the youtube so far, i also have some earbiscuits left that i haven't listened to yet... i also hadnt seen the 'viewing party' from s11/12 so watched that tonight, had some really great episodes in it, i find all the mayim bialik episodes hilarious and there was one in it

now i should be getting to bed... but i figured i should do an entry and maybe try to do one at least once a week since there wont be group... not that i utilize it to its fullest. which i dont, but i'm only comfortable with part of the group the new people i'm on the fence about, well really just one of them... i dont know what it is... whatever groups over next week.... oh and saw megan she had an appt before group started which was nice... but i'm still kinda in a mood we'll see when i see the audiologist tomorrow what kind of mood it will be....

still a weird animal

just realized i never did a post HVFF post... so this is it... depression is still weird.. like HVFF was a good weekend, i didn't have as much fun as last year, i dunno the NP party was a highlight that was absent this year, did a dinner with HVFF peeps which was good it i don't know what i was there and included but i also kinda felt like i wasn't, insofar as i'm not the regular that most of them are...

they announced next years dates, same weekend as the 1st year, which is overall better but I already have plans that week we'll likely be in Holland for a joint cousin's wedding, family thing, the TX family birthdays and a farewell party for the lake house... i could drive from MA and do it but i don't know; also they stripped all the value out of the premium ticket so that sucks too... like the pass i usually get, when you adjust everything you're paying 5x as much as before for the extra services; now it was really a steal i mean doing the math is why i got it... but i don't know

anyway the word on the floor was the premiere dates for Code8 LA would be sometime in March or April which is awesome... and I really still want to go, despite everything with the perks I want to see the movie and SA & RA are great people... RA gave me the skinny on why SA's auto is basically illegible on the jersey i won... and I quote "he was shitfaced"  😂

i still have zero motivation to do anything around the house, i have supplies to do the basement so i can get the fan fixed, but god i'm so lazy.. i call myself lazy but i really have zero motivation to do like anything... for instance, i fully planned on going to the company picnic  Friday since the last 2 years its been the same week as HVFF and i was already on the road when it was happening... so i went i drove there, the parking situation was insane and horrible... so instead of parking on the side of the road with just about everyone else i drove home the back way instead... the parking thing made me really annoyed and after that i just didn't want to see people... so i stopped at the grocery store got a few things and headed home... which is where I've been... which makes it feel like a long weekend again because its only Saturday night or 2am on sunday morning whatever your perspective you'd like to take for it...

its like i have tons of stuff coming up for next year but i'm still stuck now and i really don't know how to not be.... like i wish i had the energy and wind in my sails i had 2 years ago... that happens so infrequently and then its gone as soon as i realize whats happening... yeah it was a good 2 months or so i think but thats still the blink of an eye in the scheme of things and not even in the grand scheme of things... sometimes i wish i could use group but i don't really know how to take off the facade and as i've said before if i take it off what happens if it breaks or i cant regain footing or i don't know i cant be the walking wounded i used to be its just not even an option anymore, not that it was ever really an option... but i honestly have no idea what i did all junior year of high school... like i know i was depressed, i''d been depressed, hell i tried to kill myself the year before... but like i don't have a school photo, i think i lived at dad's; no i know i did because i got my license sophomore year and it had dad's address... like there's a whole year thats basically a blur and i don't really know what happened... thats weird right? anyway i'm just rambling now and i'd keep topic jumping if i let myself keep talking/typing... but i can see i'm at the end of the default visible area of the textarea here and i think thats enough for now, look the scroll activated... definitely enough for now

Long Weekends, lack of motivation and a vacation

Long weekend, i had plans to do things so i could do things and I had absolutely zero motivation to do so.. the allergies this week have been gross, and its remarkable how much better it all is when i remember to take the actual prescribed dose of advair plus the doubled up claratin.... HVFF is this coming weekend and I"m not terribly excited or motivated to go or anything... which is sad... there isnt even an NP party to distract me... i dont know... i'm going but i wonder... and i know i probably said the same last year and had a great time, but i'm not even remotely thinking the same will occur this year... i didnt even go to walmart to get trip incidentals like snacks or whatnot.. one of the nicer things about when it was in secaucus was i got there parked did whatever and then drove home 3 days later, because EVERYTHING was there... as close as my hotel is i still gotta drive to the new place.. i dont think i'm going next year... i'll say hi to robbie, and i kind of want to say something but i dont want to but i do... and i dont want to look like a jerk or whatnot but i'm annoyed with the campaign team.. and after i emailed stephen i got the jersey shortly thereafter but stuff is still missing... 😒

depression is a weird animal

depression is a weird animal... often its the innocuous things that give me a twinge of it... other times its a slow descent as it was a few months ago... today has been a weird day.... trinity woke me up and wanted to eat at weekday time not weekend time, and i couldn't go back to sleep; so i went to eat n park for a omelette, and came home... then i did pretty much nothing, i recreated the gigantic eclectic playlist i'd started on google and transferred it to amazon, since that is something i wont pause, i'll pause youtube/google there's not enough content, or maybe i wont its only $12...

and work so i cant get the guts to ask about $$ i did confirm that i have the position and not the job; and the job is a pay grade up so at minimum my bonus should be bigger... i have to do my midyear review stuff by EOM too...

i simultaneously want peace and some help... but there just isn't a scenario where anyone who could help would continue or see me the same afterwards... as matt said once normal people just don't live like me... and i've had a few waves of bad since then..... i kind of want to escape and run away at times, but i wont and i do like my job so.... as much as i can complain about it the good outweighs the bad and i think the new position has the potential to reinvigorate me since its a more strategic position than a delivery position... which is Solution Owner or Solutions Manager.... TFS goes with the former, but the titles are interchangeable... which is apparently a potential benefit to not tack on the manager title when i dont manage others... the one thing i'm somewhat nervous about is my boss wants to start involving me in the hiring process.... that doesnt feel like me...

so... I got a promotion

its weird, i still need to ask about details because the job i'm promoted to is a pay grade up and it was more of an FYI meeting that I had thursday... so umm that happened...

its also weird how in the midst of all my shit i get a promotion, admittedly i do feel a bit better... i still have shit to fix that isnt done but feeling okay right now is better than not, anything is better than not right?

group last week was odd, like she's trying a "lesson plan" so we listen to some podcasty lesson for 10min and it become the theme of the group, which is okay... i dont know its weird though, everything is weird

hvff is looking like a bust this year, SA cant make it gave ample notice thats fine... i'm more annoyed that they've had several cancellations and moved to a 'bigger better' venue which is in the middle of nowhere so there are not other things one could do and there's no NP party... i dont know if i want to go.. like i should and stuff but its not appealing right now... and its only a month away basically... not good

New week

New week, aka it's 1:30am Monday.... Been meaning to say something but I've been busy distracting myself from reality. Which isn't a bad strategy per se, it's an effective one and it allows me to breathe. I'm okay but there's something that is just off somehow and I can't out my finger on it.

weird

i've actually had kind of a weird week... yes i went to TX on vacation, yes I had a good vacation... today I finally went to Kim's cookout thing and yes I enjoyed it... but in the back of my head throughout it all I wonder if I'm being so agreeable to it all just because I'm not totally entirely sure I wont check out of it all... like I wonder and I dont know the answer

I left Erica the book of mythicality and a note, and I feel like maybe I could freak her out but I dont know that she's found it.. and I didnt mean it like that, but I also didn't not mean it like that... sorta... and the weird part of it all is I'm reasonably okay, its just the nagging thought and the bottoming out in the pit of my stomach when I think about fixing shit that just it doesnt really leave...

home from vacation

home from vacation... vacation was good, nothing special but a good break... met ryder... ellie is adorable still... and my house is still a disaster... my stomach drops just thinking about having to fix the hvac fan i just dont know what to do.... i mean i know i need to but i dont know how i'm going to go about it... so many terrible/worst case scenarios in my brain

you know...

I've been feeling better the past couple days... but its like there's always a chance... the persistence has worn off, but it just lingers in the background... i'm so fucked

summer

According to the forecast summer will arrive this week, with it in the 80s and one day maybe 90.... its weird I do feel less depressed this week but overall I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about my situation re: the central unit... fan blew 2-3 weeks ago and its been fine, i have fans... i remember what it was like growing up in a house with baseboard heat and no a/c... i just dont know beyond the summer what i'm going to to.... it's going to come up quick and there's all the crap downstairs to deal with still... i'm still compartmentalizing it but when i think about it i'm not sure what to do or how to fix it


I had a dream last weekend where someone came by and just without telling me started helping clean the house... i was overwhelmed, and though i cant remember who it was i feel like it was Gram... she used to decide that we had to clean my room when it got to the point where i didnt know where to start and she'd start with me and keep me going.... but i just dont know how on my own...

thoughts....

I've been thinking, which isnt always a good thing but its hard to not think for me... anyway... i really like need a break from people, i need a break from me... in the morning every morning this week, ive really just wanted to stay in bed... now thats not to say i've hated anything its just i'm so over it all, everything.. and there's so much

like you think, i think, about the scale of things, the scale of time. the scale of knowledge, death, life, the universe etc... is everything really in equilibrium? is there some kind of equilibrium not only to physical being but to conciousness? the questions that will never be answered, and what the point of it all is... i'm struggling, yes, i know i am and i dont know how to fix it, and i dont know if i want to fix it, or if i care to... should i? yes obviously but considering everyone its really best for me not to involve anyone else in my bullshit... i dont know... i just i want an end.... but i'm nearly insatiable in my general curiosity, which frankly has probably kept me alive a time or two... so its weird... i can see potentially a point coming where i'll break and it'll be the end... but i'm curious about things, as above and like my neice and new nephew, i'm curious about how they'll be as adults yet, i dont know if i want to burden them with me... i'm tough to have around... i know i am


onto other things, i've been watching GMM lately, i watched an episode or two intermittently throughout the years but never went down the rabbit hole... i'm firmly in the rabbit hole... and maybe the ones i'd previously watched didnt make me laugh as much as the ones that started me down the hole, but its a decent hole to be in

SA recently like 10min ago finished a quick live video, and its refreshing to hear someone be honest, logical, thinking and human, he's excessively human, i mean that in a good way, or maybe he's not human he's super human because humanity in general is so problematic... the most invasive destructive species on the plant.... i digress... i find his honesty refreshing and wish more people were like that, especially lately...

ugh

The fan from my hvac was whining today so i shut it off and changed the filter... the fan had eaten the filter apparently i put it in backwards in March and i'm an idiot... anyway got a new filter and the fan wont turn back on, fabulous....

I have fans so it doesn't really matter... i mean it needs to be fixed but this is like the straw of it needs to be replaced, the a/c portion has been broken for like what 10 years now? and frankly i dont necessarily care/miss it too much...

but i think people overestimate how much easier it is to do things when you're not on your own... i'm not complaining i'm just stating a fact... there's a sharing of the burden that comes when you're not on your own, and its not only physically its also existentially there is someone else to lean on... assuming trust there right?

Back to reality

The weekend's over and its back to the grind tomorrow morning... I've got a twinge of anxiety about it.... today its like I finally wound down... like three days away from people was good, bu now i'm going back and there will be people and I still want to be alone, at least to some extent... never got to the movies but its not really the point right? I think about the things to do, i got the tickets to TX today, good deal on the sale fares... paid like $50 more for 3x upgraded seats than i would have paid had i got regular economy seats last week... thing is i'm not excited about anything... and there's this whole realization (somewhat) of the infinince of time and the minuscule period of it that I and everyone else exists in and also the finality and the uncertainty of death... its weird.. i'm curious about things i'll never experience, like the past and the future, but regardless of when or how i go its unlikely i'll ever experience any of it, because consciousness is such a seemingly anomalous thing.. i mean it cant be given the vastness of the universe, but in this little corner at least it seems to be... an what if we're the 'first child' so to speak... what is it all? its so much work to live, and yet its not its just routine, physically its all the same... even the fact that i've gained back everything i've lost... and that my experience will never be that of an average sized person or even an average person with friends and socializations and other typical trappings of society.... so why am i still here? the chaos of it all its so unpredictable

another holiday weekend

I was so done with everyone/thing on Friday... Nicolas and I ate lunch outside so that was nice... got me out of my irritation... and this weekend has just not been good... for a variety of reasons...I'm still feeling bleh and like I'd rather not anything... and Erica's having issues since Ryder's been in the NICU since he was born, he's got SVT (which considering our family history seems like it was bound to happen to someone) and he failed his hearing test, of which I'm not sure what that means for an infant, like is it like me since I'm pretty sure if i'd never cheated on hearing tests all through school I'd probably have failed long before 24 after a double ear infection.. it also still makes me question if i should go down... bit it also makes me feel shitty for feeling so shitty lately... I mean Erica, I'm not so sure she could deal with any more crazy right now, and i'm just walking crazy... so...

onto other things... i've been thinking about getting my hands/eczema looked at... its pretty bad this summer... more than usual, but then i think why... then it itches, and i procrastinate and its a vicious circle of procrastination, itchiness, annoyance and other things....

just need to write it out

so.. erica had ryder yesterday... and i'm hurt.... why you ask? well nobody told me when he was born... apparently i was left off of a text message...my uncle posted a picture of him on facebook before i knew and i waited to see if anyone would say anything... they didnt... this moring mom sent a text to keep him in your prayers since he's in the nicu with a rapid heartbeat... and yeah i get its chaotic having a baby and espeically when its not as planned, but i cant shake the fact that i feel ike i was intentionally left out... like i KNOW thats not the case right? can't be... and then again i cant shake it...

i basically heard nothing and since nobody told me i assumed nobody told dad and when erica finally replied o me it was i dunno annoyance that i told her i texted dad ... i dont know if i want to go in july anymore... i dont know if i can or if i should.... i'm a horrible person....

The Flash

Seemed anti-climactic tonight... and given my thoughts of late I wouldn't trust the public of Central City to be helpful... want to help or otherwise


I just want to crawl in a hole and hide

Musings on Monday

Yes I"m posting this at technically tuesday but whatever

I dont understand how people can be so forthcoming about how they actually feel... also when its not sustained over say a week, i'm talking consecutive days is it really worth it to bring it up? I dont think so... also I think when people say your friends will be there and whoever isnt isnt worth it... well i'm down to very few people as it is... so will it just reinforce it anyway when they all look at me like a crazy person or pity me or whatever?

Awake but tired

I'm awake and tired, her you hadn't figured that out from the title. Anyway I was thinking that people aren't forthcoming about their situation because if the mood hits hard and you're riding through it isn't it better to finish and get through than hash it out or make changes for it to maybe potentially be different later? I was watching something earlier and it said that, maybe I read it... Regardless of said that there's always someone who wants to help because they care. As much as I'd like to believe that I just don't believe it's true. Humans are horrible, judgy, bitchy, self important, superiorists. I don't believe that there are people who want to help and/or care without an ulterior motive.

hats...

Friday ended as a shitty day... the cleaning people tossed my Nerd HQ hat... one that I cannot replace since Nerd HQ's shop folded .... and i'm really quite pissed about it... i'm also depressed about it an annoyed at myself... I mean Nicolas made a comment about my hat earlier in the day and I said I have it, its at my desk... like i should have gone and gotten it and moved it or something then I'd still have it... i'm fairly certain that it fell in the trash when Carol came over earlier... I just didn't notice.. but how the fuck do you notice a hat in the trash and not think its unusual and take the fucking 2 seconds it'd take to ask me I WAS THERE and he fucking admitted he saw it and didn't do anything; that pisses me off more... and they were like nothing we can do its in the dumpster already.... fucking unreal

titles are for suckers....

Im sitting here with Twix laying on me typing one handed... superbowl is sunday, i wish i was excited about it.... im okay bit not great... today was good, all day session, good info... but still lack of planning/direction...

got my other hand back, so much faster for thought to page...

anyway its like the project/product/platform team has gone from organized(ish) to completely disorganized and frantic kind of chaos... maybe its just me but its like i almost have no idea whats going on anymore, and frankly my job is to know that

watched Arrow tonight, its been hit or miss this season... tonight was kind of a miss... its like they've not set up an advasary well... and they haven't established Oliver's drive, or his conflict... last week was good because there was clearly something driving him and conflict surrounding it... tonight was filled with weird/poor decisions that barely passed for advancing the story .... i mean the only thing that came out was d/l of data and finding a doctored video... c'mon... nothing really more to the story...

there's no group monday, no group til like March ... and my insurance is all fucked up because the provider network sucks and the MH benefits are questionably applied... this should be an interesting 5 weeks....

So....

So.. I was feeling better the end of last week & thought I packed it away, but life is cruel. I'm going to bed but I wonder what I'm going to do, so much happening at once. But I don't want to fall into that trap, I don't think. So do I make a pdoc appt? Today's been okay, but I do kind of recognize that it can still slip.

some thoughts...

ok... some thoughts, i have not called for a pdoc appointment, though i did call for an intake appt at Margaret's new place... they were supposed to call back today... didnt...

also today was okay, better than the past few weeks at least... there was however minimal human interaction required, so that helped... yesterday i told aubrey how i was doing for advice on the whole do i or do i not call pdoc ... and as i was telling her it was like i had to stop because if i go there, what if the gates open and i cant close them again... cant be doing that, not with so much going on.. so i think its all packed away where it belongs again, now whether this is good or bad in the long run who's to say, but there's no point in breaking it down now with so much happening... i have been napping every day though after getting home, so its nice to be able to check out for a few hours and nap

here's the other thing... the question is has it just me being dramatic maybe it was all my period, i mean it was definitely intensified but is it my period that brings it or is it just intensifying whats already there under the surface? those are the questions that are hard to answer... and if i can power though it and get back to this state of okayedness is there really a problem, like really? like i'm ok, right now, i'm not thinking about killing myself or how to or whatnot, i'm not excited about anything but there's nothing overwhelming in my thinking... like last week when i was doing really bad i had my headphones on and you know just squeezed my neck a few times to remind myself... of what i'm not sure but it made me feel betterish to do it... which typing it sounds crazy but whatever

Its monday

So... today was okay... not bad but not good... also group, i kinda talked now i've been instructed to call the pdoc for an appointment... ugh i just want to avoid that and all ya know?

I suppose I should..... but ugh

superbowl

patriots won, i do kinda wish i was more invested in watching but i watched and they won... so there's that... maybe i actually say something at group tomorrow.... but i feel like im on steadier footing with 2 days away from people

weekend

did I miss yesterday? i think i did... it was an okay day... and today was okay too, comcast guy came and fixed my cable... had to do something outside, who knows

finally did some grocery shopping... yup thats about it... not much to tell really... i've mostly been chillin watchin the stuff i missed while my cable was out, but the DVR still works since its in the cloud... which was nice... and did a little reading.. compendium 1 i've made it to woodbury ... thats all she wrote for today, i hope i'm alive enough as in engaged and interested to watch the game tomorrow

another day...

so today was better than yesterday; mostly... fairly people interactiveless, which was good... had two meetings today with people I like so that also helped... my new mgr said something about the "scrum space" and thats like a hard NO for me... which makes me anxious..

then i get home... the fucking cable box broke again, and comcast is like we need to send a tech out to review... because why? I dont get it if the replacing the box fixed the problem 2 weeks ago, why would the problem recur if it was not the box having the problem... espeically since phone & internet are find and they're split off the same intake wire... I *HATE* having people in my house... even when it was clean I didnt like it... at least i can stream live tv... which softens the issue...

oh and after that i had a work call from 7-9 because people dont communicate nor do they seem to know how things work... i'm not as low as i was earlier this week but it feels so like there's gonna be a gotcha...

should have stayed

my inclination when i woke up this morning was to stay in bed; i didnt because its sometimes dangerous to just stay in bed, faster sinking etc... but i so dont want to deal with any people today.. and the talking today noise everywhere... bright side, i only have one other meeting today... but its for my new job with mostly new people so thats questionable how that'll end up going, i may be a tad irritable on account i dont feel like dealing with people...

update: the rest of the day was better, i had zero meetings after 1pm so the 3.5 hours without having to deal with people was much more preferred

so...

I originally told myself I should try to post weekly at least... because when i was posting regularly it was good, i was better whether there is a correlation there or not i dont know...

but how do you reconcile the ability to ignore yourself and let yourself be distracted and occupied with other things and the way you actually are thinking/feeling when you're not doing that? because lately when i'm not distracted i dont want to be.... i'm growing weary of everything... you know?

group is okay, good maybe.. but you know they want you to work on you... they claim i'm better than i was ... but i dont want people in my life... i dont, its easier to be alone and not in anyone elses life, when you're in other peoples lives its complicated, when you're not its less complicated... i kind of feel like crying and i haven't felt like that in a while ... fenway aside i dont know when the last time i cried was... its like i can see the spiraling but i want to ignore it so its not really real... right? what happens when i cant and it is real again? like this shit with work and group and all this stupid upheaval and unknowns are not making it any better...

fucking forgot a title when i published originally

You know, I am aware that not talking at group is basically tantamount to lying but as long as I can keep it together it doesn't matter what I'm thinking right?

But this work thing is totally stressing me out, i was just told that they want to do training in Tijuana... which I said would be hard since I don't have a passport... and I was just asked to find out how long that'd take... why the fuck do i need to go to Tijuana.. why cant the oh 2 people from that office come to the US and meet with the 30 or so US employees that makes no fucking sense... I'm not sure I want to... really my inclination is to just quit... and maybe just quit all together... like i know I'm maybe spiraling a bit but i liked to chalk last weekend up to my period but i know that's not totally the truth.. but it would be nice if it were... and i know that the whole RealID thing will make it so I'll need a passport since PA isn't switching to RealID til next year and my license doesn't renew for a few years after that and they're charging to renew with the updated licenses which is complete bullshit..

you know work was a good distraction, had been, and now this reorg stuff and this oh you need to go to TJ stuff just isn't cutting it to distract me from my brain and its not nice.. not nice at all... like right now i really want to leave and go crawl under the covers and hide the rest of the day... seriously...

also I'm in a meeting right now and trying to write this to and I'm irritated that they just asked me a question... and i just want to yell which is why I'm writing this... they are now asking more i need to pay attention but i don't want to... i want to go hide

Technically 2 weeks down...

I don't care... I find it really hard to really care about anything... I "watched" the Patriots game tonight and barely paid any attention.... mute the whole time... just it was on, yeah they won but it was just happening I didnt really care....

We got like 4" or so friday night... I didnt shovel.... partially because I didnt care, partially because I got my period and had some terrible cramps today... which I resorted to advil for... which I'm going to take again since they've returned...

New job at work which I dont know what to think about... I just I dont know... if I can just work, nothing else I can get through a day... like I went to happy hour and it was okay, it was good i suppose.. i'm not entirely sure, i'm also not sure what i think about my new job... it makes sense but is it lateral or upward? no idea.. and i care but i dont... and if they try to put me in a shared team space or move my chair that may be a dealbreaker... honestly the place i sit now is the best spot i've ever sat, its a window, which is nice but its also where nobody is behind me... my back is to the window so no behind you noise... and its almost like its a private corner... nobody really around me... i can put my headphones on if i want and just disappear... and if someone wants to talk to me they have to come to me... so i dont want to lose it...

i've been wondering if 40 is in the cards for me... its a whole 15 or so months away... can i do that? can i even make it to hvff... or code8... i want to but i'm not sure i care... also nephew in 5 months... i still wonder if both are better off if i'm gone before they remember me..

One Week down.... 51 to go...

I've been thinking about what I want to say for the past 7 days... I've thought about saying stuff then I don't... partially because I'm not sure I want to admit what I"m thinking and partially because I'm lazy and maybe I just don't care....

Easy stuff first... Christmas in TX was ok... I was disappointed that I didn't get a gift from Erica... like I know I didn't tell her anything I wanted but that's because generally I don't want anything... A card with a note like the one Aubrey sent would have been good... go her photocard when i got home which she totally mailed w/o a stamp yet it arrived anyway... Its weird, I don't care that I didn't get anything.... I care that its like it didn't matter... I wrapped a NOTE for Erica because I was notified her gift was arriving a day later than it should have so she could unwrap something... I'm a terrible sister for being annoyed right? I don't know... anyways... we took Ellie to the "Austin Aquarium" (which is located in a strip mall...) and she was adorable, her favorite was the stingrays... its perfectly toddler / really young kid sized... the new one's a boy and his name will be Ryder... which I find a really weird choice for the two of them, but alas its final, they even got an embroidered Christmas stocking already... overall it was a good/okay trip, nothing special... wait not nothing, I got a free first class upgrade on the first leg of the trip, which was cool. Except they had crappy food choices, so i got a snack box instead... but cool nonetheless...

I got home, Twix did not destroy the house and it was still standing when I got back, so score that in a win column... Trinity was good, but my god it was cold... like arctic all week... I'm excited for the 30s this week, and supposedly a 50 degreer on Thursday...

I started a new show that's been in my list for a good 5 years... The Walking Dead.... good show, interesting, I like it more than I thought I would... I mean zombie show does not scream come watch this for me... and since I got through current episode I could review the internet stuff I avoided because I dislike spoilers even though based on the internet outrage last year I knew Glenn was Negans victim... I enjoy that the cast, much like the Arrow cast, all seem to be friends outside the show and have excellent senses of humor and story telling skills... whats funny is I thought I most related to Daryl though Season 5, then they broke Rick and I like it... I kind of think its a better deconstruction, whatever... also Andrew Lincoln going grey is just sexy... there I said it...

Now, aside from that little outburst in the 2nd paragraph I've avoided me... there's a couple things happening, insurance changed, Margaret is not yet in the new provider directory... I called for a continuity of care waiver so I could see her in network til she gets her accreditation sorted out, which the guy said I'd get, which is retroactive to the 1st but its still a hassle... so that makes me a twinge anxious about the whole continue therapy thing, also Margaret is moving to a new practice next month... and group may be on Saturday... but not everyone is on board... group has been the most useful therapy I've ever done in 30 years of being in therapy.. I'm more upset about it than I care to admit...

Also I've generally been feeling blah lately... I mean I'm not sure I can or want to make it through the year... I have things planned so I'm trying to remember that but its not fool proof... and the universe still doesn't really like me in some ways... Code8 jersey I won is still MIA and I've given up on it. I don't want to whine about it but I'm annoyed. I've gained nearly all the weight I lost back since like September... so that's super... and today the fucking cable box broke... i spent nearly all day dealing with Comcast about it, and I finally was like can I just exchange the box this isn't working, that solved the problem, I wish I'd done that first thing when I noticed it at 10:30... rather than doing it at 3:30.. I took a break in between because it was irritating me... I don't know I just, my ability to care is waning.. which I know isn't a good thing and its been that way for a while now, but its, it seems like its getting a bit harder to ignore... if I can work all day while I'm at work its mostly okay... and its not even the weekends alone that necessarily bother me... its the lack of caring overall by anyone... like mom cares, dad cares, Erica cares, but they're like biologically wired to... and I am 100% aware I do zero to improve my friend situation but I'm not a mingler or partier... I'm going to try to go to a happy hour Thursday or is it Wednesday with the team since Vanessa will be in town for planning meetings...

You know whats funny, when the insurance guy asked me how I was doing, presumably to assess my eligibility for the continuity of care waiver, he asked the standard have you thought about hurting yourself or others... my answer was not immediately no... he said well what does not immediately mean... i said he was quicker on that than my psychiatrist... i found it amusing... but when asked when the last time I felt suicidal or (thoughts of self harm) was I said 2-3 months, but it was more 2-3 days ... not really but I've thought about it... so there it is 2018 off to a swimming start... also I felt almost bad for lying to dad today about the cable, i called to see if he had an idea during my break before I called them back, he didn't but said i should exchange the 2nd box too... i said I would but its not been hooked up because I haven't used my bedroom since trinity dug a hole in the bed and I didn't care for like a year so there's also that... sometimes I wish I trusted people... but I just don't trust that I can... and there's the catch 22..

ok i'm really done now damn this is long...