One Week down.... 51 to go...

I've been thinking about what I want to say for the past 7 days... I've thought about saying stuff then I don't... partially because I'm not sure I want to admit what I"m thinking and partially because I'm lazy and maybe I just don't care....

Easy stuff first... Christmas in TX was ok... I was disappointed that I didn't get a gift from Erica... like I know I didn't tell her anything I wanted but that's because generally I don't want anything... A card with a note like the one Aubrey sent would have been good... go her photocard when i got home which she totally mailed w/o a stamp yet it arrived anyway... Its weird, I don't care that I didn't get anything.... I care that its like it didn't matter... I wrapped a NOTE for Erica because I was notified her gift was arriving a day later than it should have so she could unwrap something... I'm a terrible sister for being annoyed right? I don't know... anyways... we took Ellie to the "Austin Aquarium" (which is located in a strip mall...) and she was adorable, her favorite was the stingrays... its perfectly toddler / really young kid sized... the new one's a boy and his name will be Ryder... which I find a really weird choice for the two of them, but alas its final, they even got an embroidered Christmas stocking already... overall it was a good/okay trip, nothing special... wait not nothing, I got a free first class upgrade on the first leg of the trip, which was cool. Except they had crappy food choices, so i got a snack box instead... but cool nonetheless...

I got home, Twix did not destroy the house and it was still standing when I got back, so score that in a win column... Trinity was good, but my god it was cold... like arctic all week... I'm excited for the 30s this week, and supposedly a 50 degreer on Thursday...

I started a new show that's been in my list for a good 5 years... The Walking Dead.... good show, interesting, I like it more than I thought I would... I mean zombie show does not scream come watch this for me... and since I got through current episode I could review the internet stuff I avoided because I dislike spoilers even though based on the internet outrage last year I knew Glenn was Negans victim... I enjoy that the cast, much like the Arrow cast, all seem to be friends outside the show and have excellent senses of humor and story telling skills... whats funny is I thought I most related to Daryl though Season 5, then they broke Rick and I like it... I kind of think its a better deconstruction, whatever... also Andrew Lincoln going grey is just sexy... there I said it...

Now, aside from that little outburst in the 2nd paragraph I've avoided me... there's a couple things happening, insurance changed, Margaret is not yet in the new provider directory... I called for a continuity of care waiver so I could see her in network til she gets her accreditation sorted out, which the guy said I'd get, which is retroactive to the 1st but its still a hassle... so that makes me a twinge anxious about the whole continue therapy thing, also Margaret is moving to a new practice next month... and group may be on Saturday... but not everyone is on board... group has been the most useful therapy I've ever done in 30 years of being in therapy.. I'm more upset about it than I care to admit...

Also I've generally been feeling blah lately... I mean I'm not sure I can or want to make it through the year... I have things planned so I'm trying to remember that but its not fool proof... and the universe still doesn't really like me in some ways... Code8 jersey I won is still MIA and I've given up on it. I don't want to whine about it but I'm annoyed. I've gained nearly all the weight I lost back since like September... so that's super... and today the fucking cable box broke... i spent nearly all day dealing with Comcast about it, and I finally was like can I just exchange the box this isn't working, that solved the problem, I wish I'd done that first thing when I noticed it at 10:30... rather than doing it at 3:30.. I took a break in between because it was irritating me... I don't know I just, my ability to care is waning.. which I know isn't a good thing and its been that way for a while now, but its, it seems like its getting a bit harder to ignore... if I can work all day while I'm at work its mostly okay... and its not even the weekends alone that necessarily bother me... its the lack of caring overall by anyone... like mom cares, dad cares, Erica cares, but they're like biologically wired to... and I am 100% aware I do zero to improve my friend situation but I'm not a mingler or partier... I'm going to try to go to a happy hour Thursday or is it Wednesday with the team since Vanessa will be in town for planning meetings...

You know whats funny, when the insurance guy asked me how I was doing, presumably to assess my eligibility for the continuity of care waiver, he asked the standard have you thought about hurting yourself or others... my answer was not immediately no... he said well what does not immediately mean... i said he was quicker on that than my psychiatrist... i found it amusing... but when asked when the last time I felt suicidal or (thoughts of self harm) was I said 2-3 months, but it was more 2-3 days ... not really but I've thought about it... so there it is 2018 off to a swimming start... also I felt almost bad for lying to dad today about the cable, i called to see if he had an idea during my break before I called them back, he didn't but said i should exchange the 2nd box too... i said I would but its not been hooked up because I haven't used my bedroom since trinity dug a hole in the bed and I didn't care for like a year so there's also that... sometimes I wish I trusted people... but I just don't trust that I can... and there's the catch 22..

ok i'm really done now damn this is long...