so...

I originally told myself I should try to post weekly at least... because when i was posting regularly it was good, i was better whether there is a correlation there or not i dont know...

but how do you reconcile the ability to ignore yourself and let yourself be distracted and occupied with other things and the way you actually are thinking/feeling when you're not doing that? because lately when i'm not distracted i dont want to be.... i'm growing weary of everything... you know?

group is okay, good maybe.. but you know they want you to work on you... they claim i'm better than i was ... but i dont want people in my life... i dont, its easier to be alone and not in anyone elses life, when you're in other peoples lives its complicated, when you're not its less complicated... i kind of feel like crying and i haven't felt like that in a while ... fenway aside i dont know when the last time i cried was... its like i can see the spiraling but i want to ignore it so its not really real... right? what happens when i cant and it is real again? like this shit with work and group and all this stupid upheaval and unknowns are not making it any better...