still a weird animal

just realized i never did a post HVFF post... so this is it... depression is still weird.. like HVFF was a good weekend, i didn't have as much fun as last year, i dunno the NP party was a highlight that was absent this year, did a dinner with HVFF peeps which was good it i don't know what i was there and included but i also kinda felt like i wasn't, insofar as i'm not the regular that most of them are...

they announced next years dates, same weekend as the 1st year, which is overall better but I already have plans that week we'll likely be in Holland for a joint cousin's wedding, family thing, the TX family birthdays and a farewell party for the lake house... i could drive from MA and do it but i don't know; also they stripped all the value out of the premium ticket so that sucks too... like the pass i usually get, when you adjust everything you're paying 5x as much as before for the extra services; now it was really a steal i mean doing the math is why i got it... but i don't know

anyway the word on the floor was the premiere dates for Code8 LA would be sometime in March or April which is awesome... and I really still want to go, despite everything with the perks I want to see the movie and SA & RA are great people... RA gave me the skinny on why SA's auto is basically illegible on the jersey i won... and I quote "he was shitfaced"  😂

i still have zero motivation to do anything around the house, i have supplies to do the basement so i can get the fan fixed, but god i'm so lazy.. i call myself lazy but i really have zero motivation to do like anything... for instance, i fully planned on going to the company picnic  Friday since the last 2 years its been the same week as HVFF and i was already on the road when it was happening... so i went i drove there, the parking situation was insane and horrible... so instead of parking on the side of the road with just about everyone else i drove home the back way instead... the parking thing made me really annoyed and after that i just didn't want to see people... so i stopped at the grocery store got a few things and headed home... which is where I've been... which makes it feel like a long weekend again because its only Saturday night or 2am on sunday morning whatever your perspective you'd like to take for it...

its like i have tons of stuff coming up for next year but i'm still stuck now and i really don't know how to not be.... like i wish i had the energy and wind in my sails i had 2 years ago... that happens so infrequently and then its gone as soon as i realize whats happening... yeah it was a good 2 months or so i think but thats still the blink of an eye in the scheme of things and not even in the grand scheme of things... sometimes i wish i could use group but i don't really know how to take off the facade and as i've said before if i take it off what happens if it breaks or i cant regain footing or i don't know i cant be the walking wounded i used to be its just not even an option anymore, not that it was ever really an option... but i honestly have no idea what i did all junior year of high school... like i know i was depressed, i''d been depressed, hell i tried to kill myself the year before... but like i don't have a school photo, i think i lived at dad's; no i know i did because i got my license sophomore year and it had dad's address... like there's a whole year thats basically a blur and i don't really know what happened... thats weird right? anyway i'm just rambling now and i'd keep topic jumping if i let myself keep talking/typing... but i can see i'm at the end of the default visible area of the textarea here and i think thats enough for now, look the scroll activated... definitely enough for now