its almost 4am and i have not been able to fall asleep

so, after 2 hours of trying without sucess i'm just going to type something here in hopes that my brain will quiet enough for me to at least get a nap

i dont know if i'm going to work today... i had to leave work yesterday at like 11.. i was more irritable than i've been in quite a while and i was physically feeling the irritation and i was doing all i could to not snap at people... so i left, both in self preservation and surrender to the fact that i could not recover and get it back under control.... its been a while... i used to be like this alot more often... hair trigger, anything would set me off... i cant do that again, its not fair to anyone....

so group made me promise to be safe and call for the pdoc appt tomorrow today whatever and i said i would, i think i will but i dont know what to do about work.. do i go do i stay what i dont know... i'm better after i've been alone for a bit, nobody, no external sttimuli... just nothing... music, tv, youtube whatever distracts me and somewhat relaxes me... i have 6 now 5 PTO days, well i only used 6ish or so hours today esterday, but i know i know its been a while coming i know i could see it coming for a while now even maybe the past yearbut i didnt want to believe it and i honestly didnt think i'd end up with this irritablility again.. i'm typing with my eyes closed, that is a skill i have, which is nice which is why i can turn to talk to someone and keep talking... i can type, thats something..

i just want to sleep right now, thats all i want and i know i came back from work and slept for like 3-4 hours or whatever then i took a nap again when i got back from group, i've been napping alot lately.. i still have the fucking fan to fix, but it'll be in the 80s for the next week so its not like its necessary but it will be... bonjovi's as my guitar lies bleeding just came on... its like a hug sorta, i dont know what it is but i like it... i like these days its one of my favorite albums but i need sleep but this song is so nice... ok i think maybe i've rambled enough that i can sleep though i still dont know what i' mdoing about work in the morning or in a few hours or whatever,