tired, cannot sleep

i would like to sleep please... work works its way into my brain and it just doesnt let go... i want to sleep damnit please.. i haven't been able to fall asleep easily in weeks, and forget about the holiday weekend every night has been like this but i gotta be at work today damnit please let me fall asleep

shambles

my life is slowly deteriorating... i feel like i'm losing matt, the best friend i've made in god knows how long and i hope i'm just being paranoid but i dont think so... all my routines are shot to hell there is like zero stability left and i just want to wave the white flag

so whats going on you ask? first routine shot to hell is lunch, will doesnt want to eat lunch anymore there is something likely medically wrong but he refuses to see a doctor since the result is he's losing weight... second routine shot to hell is work its just too much with no relief in sight really... third matt, several things here, we stopped saying goodnight to each other a while ago, we're not texting every day and if we do its barely passing as conversation, we havent been to each others places in over a month, the only contact we have is the weekend lunches while he's at work and the movie last weekend which felt to me like nearly two strangers going to dinner and a movie...

everything feels really strained, i just want to go back to normal where the routines are there is that so much to ask?

its the holidays

its the holidays and once again i am alone, by my own decisions.. and while i prefer it in some aspects i'm still alone... i wish i'd had some company tonight but it didnt pan out, and now i'm not sure i'll have any tomorrow or sunday... i hate having this many days alone

hey again

today was, semi-miserable, the weather was terrible... and i worked from home, which is okay but today i just feel alone... no texts from matt yet today, but its his first day off this week really and it was a miserable day i suspect he's slept most of the day... its days like these i wish i had more than one friend

matthew..

you are extraordinarily special to me, you are the only person in my life who is caring and reciprocal and considers me and my health and my feelings... i am so grateful that you are in my life.. and i dont know if you know how special you are as a human, you look to help people, at work, at home, online and i've not really heard an unkind word from you, not that i'm so naieve to think that you've never said anything but i respect the fact that we've known each other for as long as we have already and not once have you ever said anything remotely unkind.

i care about you, and you probably dont know how rare that is for me to care about someone but it is, i dont allow myself to care about people but you won me over and i do

your ability to accept people as they are is extraordinary, you are one in a million, literally

how to say thank you

now among all of the shit matt did something that no living member of my family would ever do, he helped me clean... nobody except my grandmother ever did that and i'm so grateful especially since he said he wanted to help on other cleaning projects and i dont even really know how to thank him because its in my life such a profound gesture

tears

they never come... i'm alone, i'm still alone and lonely... these are the main factors as to why i dont take time off, taking time off just reinforces my isolation and lonliness, and yes its mostly by my own doing but whenever i try i always get disappointed or cancelled on or blown off all together.. i had been feeling okay so i tried and i got burned... and work is just so super stressful right now i cant even stand it.. and i said the other day i felt like matt was being distant, i still kinda think that, he overslept til like 5 yesteray and called apologized and came by for a short visit and dinner, i really needed the company, but he was mia today mostly and i know he's working and busy and as much as he says he's no, he doesnt ... he's got friends and he socializes, i cant even stand how jealous i am that he's got a friend with whom he has a standing get together tuesdays for biggest loser, and i know like intelectually that my emotional craziness is making me weird i cant help it... i want someone to come just sit with me and just keep me company, but i cant ask anyone to subject themselves to my moods... and i'm really feeling bad that matts around because of my moods, i want him to be there and i like him and more so because he is there but i cant help it... i hate when people see me i want them to know me but i just i need to suck it all up and try not to drag them down and i feel like i'm doing a really poor job of that... and now i have wfh and 3 days off... i'm kinda scared it'll  be miserable...

ahh i knew it

i knew i jinxed myself with my last post, what a difference a week makes huh, work has deteriorated to the point i've reposted my resume and i'm going to look, i cant take it, especially with the saturday morning meddling... and i dont know whats going on with matt... he's been distant, at least thats my interpretation :(

Argh fucking people

Slept piss poor, felt like I got hit by a Mack truck yesterday, bus was 15 min late, my laptop is revolting itself once the desktop shows so now I've undocked and I'm trying not connected to the network today sucks ass and its only 9:46am!

Argh!!!

Comfy

I'm going to say it and hope i'm not jinxing myself but i'm feeling good, liking matt, liking the pace with matt... what can i say he makes me smile, i'm such a sap lol sssh dont tell him

and i like/love the little things, kiss goodbye each time we meet, virtual kiss goodnight every night, the cuddles, the fact he brought me his comforter the other night because i was cold proactively when i arrived, that he said i was important to him... i dont know how he still likes me or what i did to deserve him but man, i like it

breathe :)

finally started talking the topic of what matt and i are and what our relationship is and what we would want it to be and funny thing happened we're both having the same thoughts, neither of us want to push the other away, but we need to talk about it and both have reservations about a relationship, i'm going to presume the same kinds of reasons, we're pretty alike and simliarly f'd in the head lol so it is awkward and weird and nice all at the same time lol... i feel so much better now that we've talked and we're going to continue the conversation in person and talk properly and i'm glad we have it out there on the table :)

i'm going to also say i have my reservations but i'm more and more open to the possibility of a real relationship the longer i see matt, but i'm totally totally happy taking it slow figuring it out and not getting weird

as long as we're honest with each other i think its possible scares the ever living fuck out of me too lol

Piman

Been almost 12 hours since I had to put you down and I'm still so sad. You know I'm not one to cry but I miss you already baby, hope your at peace now. Love you

Ty misses you too, and Fenway

stayed home today

that time of the month made for cramps + headache which necessitated additional sleep and created a bit of misery when i woke up... slept til almost 11 and all was well after that, logged onto work to see if i should put in at least a half day and nothing was happening the team said they'd cover so i took the day... matts been quiet today... hope his weekend at the wedding goes well... i'm worried about piman but he's ok he's eating and complaining at me for not feeding them fast enough so... i dunno i kind of feel like a hug, but thats nothing new right? ugh

to matt

hi matt... i want to talk to you but i have no idea how to bring up the topic... i'm confused with the whole situation, i sense that something changed last week and i cant put my finger on it... i wish i knew what it was or what i did but i'm never going to ask because i'm not sure i want to know the answer either... all i do know is i enjoy spending time with you but i dont really know what we are, friends? dating? somewhere in between is what i sense but my ability to sense social situations is primitive at best... what i really want is to just get to know you more, i'd really like to just sit with you and have your arm around me, but i dont know how to ask for that... the other day you didnt seem to want to really be near just around, and i understand that feeling i just dont know if there is an external reason aka me, or if it was just your mood... i have a feeling i should just cut my losses because i always only ever take what i can get usually and i dont want to push or ask for too much because i want to remain realistic about the fact that i'm not for everyone, or maybe anyone, i havnt figured that one out yet... so i'm not sending this to you instead i'm posting this on my little blog space where few people know it exists, though if you were curious enough its easy enough to find...

awake

so its 2am and i'm awake, shocker huh... but my brain doesnt always shut off, rarely even, when i ask it to, or want it to so i'm up

what is my brain doing you ask? well i'm going to relay that to you because maybe if i do i can just stop thinking about all this shit

• Matt... i like him, want to be able to be relaxed around him, trust him, dont know how... all the past shit is just so much to overcome, and i kind of think he makes me happy but not feel happy which i find frustratingly annoying.... like i think i should be able to feel happy in the same manner that i feel sad/depressed/anxious/annoyed but thats not the case... its all a rationalization of happiness 
• work... oh work... i'm not a million people and i'm not cloned, its frustrating to have to fix things once they're in production, though it is my job, regardless that shouldnt be my job, the job should be to guide projects along, which i'm trying to do, and not have the problems in the first place, but i have no voice in the matter... and i'm just tired ... like requirements we read requirements as a whole complete document, we dont write them that way now, which is part of the reason they're so shitty lately... projects dont ask me about things when they should i cant hunt down projects to include me its at their own peril when they dont, but thats not really true since they have no owness to fix things post-patch thats on me... so really who has any owness or culpibility in the matter? nobody!
• erica w.... never repaired a friendship before, its like i think i could and think i want to i just dont know how to get past the shit and its not super big shit its like oh your going to stop talking to me and not reciprocate fine i can do that, you dont have to be my friend i'm not going to force you... so thats what it was ...
• which kind of leads back to matt... i want to know if he likes me, if so in what way if not please tell me... yes it'll hurt but damn dont string me along just because you think i may be fragile in some way... and i dont think he's doing that but i'm afraid if he is... make sense? 
• what else is going on in my head... oh user experience... what a croc!
• what if its me thats stringing matt along and i dont like him its just i like what he represents? i'm afraid of that too... like i missed him when he was sick and we werent talking daily but is that me missing him or just the contact? the whole situation confuses me to no end sometimes.. and i dont want to string him along because thats just wrong ... i just i dont know and it frustrates me
• my calf is sore, i think i may have broken my toe... dropped a bottle of powerade on it got a bruise limping all day = sore calf... but then i think oh maybe its a blood clot and i'll die ha! and i like it but i'm not depressed, weird crazy huh?
• oh and my womanly issues... relating to matt... i've got an overgrowth but not infection of yeast its not attractive... and so i need a new gyne the pcp isnt going to cut it
• and about the pcp oh my god can i say worry wart? i mean really... she says i'm diabetic now becuase i'm 1 pt in blood sugar over what would be normal... uh really how about we exclude my weight from your frantic diagnostic rampage and say hey ya know maybe its not a freak out moment, how about that
• oh and if you pcp lady cancel my previous meeting because you had an emergency its generally not a good idea when you keep me waiting on my reschedule so i take my phone and do a crossword to come in set my file down and ask me if i want to reschedule since my phone is in my hand i mean really WTF .. and you think i'm going to subject myself to you again in 2 months you really have a high opionion of yourself now dont you

ok now i'm just randing random things rather than using the bullets... and still not tired enough to sleep fuck! arrgh

Lonely

Feeling a bit lonely today... Still a bit irritated from yesterday too. Nobody's playing wwf, no txts from matt, Erica is coming back to work and has like out of the blue started talking to me again, I don't know how to repair friendships, its never actually come up before, also I'm confused w/Matt that's entirely uncharted territory... Plus work is being a bitch this week too... Too much going at once for my overactive brain to deal with.

Bleh

Omg today is miserable overall ugh!

vacation?

i really need a vacation and some relaxation but i am unable to do so... taking a vacation alone just reminds me that i'm alone, going to see my family well, when is that ever really a vacation.. so i'm just continuing how it goes

...

there are days when i wish i was capable of trusting people enough to form legitimate friendships anymore, but i'm not so sure thats possible at this juncture... i have to weigh everything very carefully so as to not hurt other people... i want people to care but i dont want them to misplace their faith or anything so they shouldnt care in the first place, at some point i'll disappoint.. and disappointment hurts whether you know it was coming or not... also i wish i could trust that people would be there for me and help and not judge, but its human nature to judge and once a judgement is made its historically difficult to change in the long run... i wish i had your ambition and faith and trust in others, i just dont... i wish there were someone out there that could be a friend in a genuine manner but i dont think that really exists, not how i'd like it and the sad thing is i know its unrealistic of me but thats how it is...

weekends suck

weekends suck, especially the ones where i'd like a friend around who would kick my ass or at least be around to get me out of the house for a little while :(

had a dream the other night that i got a hug from a friend... then i woke up to my reality... the morning wasnt too terrible but i went upstairs for a shower and my reality is worse up there.. i dont know how i let it get so bad, but i dont know how to fix it... i mean i know but its so hard... i cant ask for help, what would they think? i dont know what to do anymore.. i just i want to do it for myself i got into this mess on my own i should get out of it on my own but its sooo goddamn hard and its soo goddamn bad... i dont understand how i could have let it get so bad, like i know how it happened but i dont really know how i let it happen.. i dont know if that makes much sense really but thats what it is... fuck the dog has destroyed upstairs and the cats have destroyed the kitchen/dining area... i live in the livingroom now.. and yeah i've made some progress in the livingroom but whats that? its so laughable that it could even be called progress.. i dont know if the damn house is salvageable, i dont know if i'm salvageable..

fuck why ... i want to be alone but i hate to be alone... but i'm so good at pushing everyone away so i am alone.. *sigh*

Bleh

I know that I'm mostly hormonally driven right now but damn life sucks. Stupid heavy period, even so much to get on the couch that was lovely yesterday. So I was tired annoyed Crabby so I stayed home, and what did that get me? A ticket for an expired inspection. Today is just bleh blah phooey... :(

work or social or play?

i dont know what i'm thinking... i reactivated my profile on some online dating sites, actually got some interest but as much as i think i want to go out and date and maybe have sex again after over 6 years i dont know if i can... i am me after all... beside the fact i'm obese my legs are crisscrossed with scars and some scabs are still healing too... one of the guys who showed some interest ultimately was a shrink and frankly i freaked out... the other interested parties are a young guy who seems sincere but he kind of scares me being so young, 22, i'm alot of woman with alot of baggage i'm not so sure thats fair... the last is a guy who's my age, works in my industry so he's put up with my ramblings about work but i'm no so sure about him either... maybe i'm just looking for flaws? i dont know... plus work this weekend nothings ready.. i wait around and nothing is freaking ready... i'm soo annoyed and kinda depressed again over everything... i dont know... so what do i do?

Write about what you know essay...

I started this essay and didnt finish it... i'm posting it now though... it was written 6/15-6/20/2011.... I'm posting this in July 2012...

Write about what you know. That’s the advice that I assumed when choosing a topic for my term paper my junior year of high school, I wrote about teen suicide. This was all in a time before it was talked about as it is today and I got a B-/C+ which I wasn’t all that happy about. It was a dual course paper getting two grades. Not that any of this is important now but I wrote it because I’d attempted suicide and it was what I knew.

Why am I writing this? Its 6:58AM on a Wednesday morning after having been awakened earlier with a text from my mother of Good Morning, my mind didn’t shut off and go back to sleep. So this idea has come to me to start writing in an organized fashion instead of my blog/journal which is more of a current events type vent forum. I’m not Jason Mulgrew with a anecdotally childhood that you can muse about in a memoir, I’m me and I guess that’s what it is, for now anyway. I’m not sure anyone will ever read this but I’m writing now.

Disjointed as this may be its what it is, maybe later I’ll re-organize, maybe I’ll seek publication but that’s unlikely.

Who is this woman who presumes to write whatever this shall turn into? Well at the moment I’m 32, employed, depressed and obese, that pretty much sums me up. I have great clarity when my mind goes a wandering in my beliefs, thoughts and advice; however usually I am at a great loss of articulation when it comes to conveying these to others, including any shrinks’ I’m seeing. Its been 9 minutes since I started typing and my snooze just notified me of my laziness. I guess you’ll meet me along the way should you keep reading, though should this remain on my computer you is a wholly fictitious concept.

Outline:
Intro – done mostly
Brief words on HS & attempt?
Post/College – ER/PP community, college, todays loss of online anonymity

Back to my original statement of writing what you know, I’ve actually done that 3 times previously. First is the Poe assignment I got in English, either Sophomore or Junior year, I cant remember which because I had the same teacher both years. Regardless, the Poe assignement was to write a short story in a style similar to or in homage to Edgar Allen Poe. This story used to be an item I had in my possession long after high school, but its since been lost somewhere in between New Jersey and Pittsburgh it was lost, but that’s not what I wanted to say. The story was about a girl who killed herself and was narrating a family vacation she was observing as a ghost. I sincerely wish I still had my original words because it’s a story I’d like to re-read but I remember it. The girl was sad maybe regretful of her choice but it didn’t matter at the point the story began because she was already dead. I remember how she died, she overdosed on MAOIs and was listening to or recording herself reciting the prayer, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I remembered this tidbit today after finishing the book 13 Reasons Why, if you’ve read the book you may know why it jogged my memory of writing this story. I wrote this story in either 1995 or 1996, got an A but I don’t think anyone knew the reason I wrote it or why it still holds a place in my heart. I wrote it because it was one of the scenarios I’d thought up of how I’d kill myself, overdose and the prayer. Now it seems somehow idealistic of me though its still a memory I think about and a scenario that I don’t dismiss when it comes back into view.

Staying on topic now, the last time I wrote about what I knew I was in college; sophomore year Creative Writing, mandatory class. My professor gave us the assignment for the entire semester, write a series of related essays on a personal topic. These essays I still have in my possession because I digitally preserved them at my Geocities website and have since retrieved copies from the internet archive along with my journal from that time period. I know what was in those essays and without going to consult them, rather resisting the urge to do so they were about a 3rd grade teacher who killed herself over Christmas break I believe the year I was in 2nd grade, she was a popular 3rd grade teacher and it was sad. Another of the essays was about an encounter with my step-father where after I threw a tantrum I suppose you can call it, and knocked over a bicycle in our garage for him not including me he turned and charged after me. He chased me up to my bedroom which was on the top floor of our split level with loft, caught me on the loft, I planted myself on the stairs and he kneed/kicked me in the back to try to get me moving. I don’t remember exactly what happened immediately thereafter but I called my dad and he had my uncle pick me up and he had me make a formal police report of the incident. I lived with him for 3 months after that, before returning to my moms; that was in 8th grade. The only essay containing a good memory is of when I was little maybe 3 I stepped on a safety pin and cut the sole of my foot, I remember my mom held me and rocked me to sleep after that happened. Today though I cannot recall that memory in great clarity since I wrote it down, or the previous memory either for that matter. I used to have physical memory tied to that, like a visceral reminder and feeling attached to both of them, which I no longer have. I believe there were 5 or 6 essays; these three I’m positive I wrote, the other 2 or 3 I’m afraid I’ll have to refresh my memory on their exact nature but one is about the suicide attempt I made on 10/25/1994, is it weird that I know the exact date some 17 years later? I’ll look them up and return to this little endeavor of a word document and summarize them correctly later. These items however are the ones known to my mother, my cousin and I believe my sister because they all read them after I had put them up on my website.

I don’t share anymore with anyone really, there are two people who I sort of do but, I cannot be wholly honest with either, I don’t know what would happen. I’m isolated, I know it, its by my own design and some days I hate it, some days its good but most days its lonely.

There is one incident that has come to mind recently, its because the person involved recently got married to another friend, though I’m not sure if that’s the right word for either, from high school. They were not high school sweethearts but started dating after graduation sometime. The reason I’ve thought of this is he’s turned into a good guy, I mean from outward appearances and what I know and of course, facebook. He’s a prosecuter in NYC so he works against the ills of society and uses the justice system as his forum for doing so. I’m really genuinely proud of his life and choice of career. There is a specific memory though that I doubt he remembers but I do, and it was such a split second type moment but it was well I don’t know the word at the moment but I remember. What happened? I was walking in the hall at school and he kicked me right in the ass, not hard but it was enough that I dropped all the books I was carrying. I was livid, it was the last straw for me on that day, I don’t remember what else happened but it was it, I was done I was off to take the suicide train again. This happened after my original attempt, later sophomore year I believe. I had a little black notebook and wrote about how it was it I was done, again, I shared with my best friend and she in turn told her mother who told my mother and when I got home from school my mother had a counselor or psychologist on the phone making me contract for safety until my next appointment. So I was livid, and I think that was the beginning of the end of the friendship that I had. Actually the beginning of the end to that friendship and a few others was my attempt, this was just a contributing factor.

I was thinking earlier driving home from an appointment about Facebook. More specifically how strange it is when you think about it that I’m friends with maybe 60-70% of the people I graduated high school with. I had a small graduating class, maybe 120 students, so everyone pretty much knew everyone else. By the time I graduated though, I wasn’t really friends with anyone anymore, like good lasting friends; I thought I had those at one point but was wrong. Anyway the book I read says a lot about perception of others, I know how I thought of and perceived just about everyone in my class but I really have no idea how they thought of me. I have an idea, but I mean I just don’t know. This is illustrated by one request I got on facebook from a member of my class, I replied to her request basically who are you I only accept people I know as friends, though I thought I was sure who she was, I wanted confirmation though I cannot recall the reason why. Anyway she replied and told me and said that she admired me in high school, remembered me as a person who was strong, did what she wanted and didn’t really care what everyone said. Partially true but missing the boat. I did what I wanted, cared about what other people thought about me and I was insecure as all hell, still am actually; but this was all a function or a manifestation of the fact that I was depressed, and had been depressed for a long time.

A girl I knew, I cant call her a friend really, she died the summer after 6th grade of EEE (eastern equine encephalitis). I remember being all sorts of upset about it, not because she died perse but because I whole heartedly with all my being wanted it to have been me. I recall the thinking that went on in my head about how she had never even like chosen what sneakers to wear or some stupid thing and I had and I was tired of my life and she was so cheery and good and it should have been me. I also did not go to her funeral, a friend of mine called and asked if I was going and said no and I believe to this day that she was upset with me for not attending. I don’t like funerals, because I don’t cry, at least not in public and not infront of anyone if I can help it. I was accused of being an ice queen at my grandmothers funeral by my sister because I did not cry or seem upset, I was what you could describe as stoic throughout. I did cry though, before she died, before I left to go visit her in the hospital I cried and I miss her terribly. Okay stopping that no crying while I’m writing.

Why am I writing this? I think its because I want someone to know me and because selfish as it is I think I have something to say. I recently re-discovered reading. I’ve been reading about a book a week for the past year and a half and its wonderful. I read when I was younger, elementary and middle school, less so in junior high and had stopped all together by the time high school rolled around. I read things like Sweet Valley High and Christopher Pike. Christopher Pike when I found him was by far my favorite author of those years, two books I recall reading but I think I may have smooshed together in my memory are “Remember Me” and “Witch”, I think I should re-read those but I’m not sure I want to mess with my memory of them. I read sparingly in the intervening years, though I did read Jurassic Park for summer reading one year, finished it in a day great book, another summer reading discovery was Acceptable Risk by Robin Cook. Cook and Crichton were the only two authors who I read anything from until I started reading again last year, and by reading again I mean for personal enjoyment. Reading is something that is kind of special, you’re being told a story in the most intricate way because only in a book do you have the privilege of knowing the characters thoughts. There is a subtlety in novels that gets lost when they are translated into movies, at least for the good ones. Back to the beginning though, reading has inspired me to start writing this, didn’t want you all to get lost in this anecdote without having a purpose for it.

Group got cancelled tonight, well its officially on hiatus... we shall see if it re-emerges. I gave good advice tonight in my opinion, I always and will forever give better advice than I can ever hope to take. This falls into the I will do things my way at all costs good or bad, that’s my mother’s description of my personality and its true, just don’t tell her I admit she’s right. I had gone and was going to ask if this wasn’t going to be a stable group than I would just assume not come, and the only reason for 3 of the last 4 sessions that happened in the past 2 months were because I joined otherwise it would have died sooner, maybe I prolonged the inevitable but not for too long.

I’m re-reading 13 reasons, I’m not 100% sure why, because I never re-read books, like ever, but its provided such a catharsis today I think it deserves or I need to read it again.

I had a birthday party I think in 3rd or 4th grade at Magic Mountain Mini Golf. This is the only birthday party I recall where people came and I had fun plus girls I invited came, even though I thought it may be a long shot. I got what are probably the only 2 birthday gifts I remember receiving from friends when I was “little”. I got a pair of earrings danglyish with black and white alternating beads, I pierced my ears that year for my birthday. I also got what was my favorite gift, April Fools the Sweet Valley High book; why was it my favorite gift? Two reasons, first it came from someone I wasn’t sure would come and two it was a great gift I mean how did she know I read the Sweet Valley books, they were popular at the time I know but I don’t know I like to believe she noticed and got it because of that.

Being dismissive of people can be just as bad and sometimes worse than being mean directly to them.

SO many thoughts at the moment, but I’ll start somewhere. Re-reading 13 Reasons, the vehicle for the story is cassette tapes, I got a cassette tape when I was little, I mighty grey/black rectangle with a handle no less! I used to record myself on blank tapes, singing, hit the big black play button and the little orange record inset in it and off I went. I thought about recording tapes a lot, recording my thoughts for some unnamed unseen therapist or something to listen to and we could have an audio recording exchange, I hated talking to the therapists I had, still do, but somehow I never got around to it, its like when I thought I wanted to try the words escaped me, or saying them out loud or starting to diminished them somehow to the point where I didn’t think anyone would understand what I was saying. I never did it, never did anything close to it until college and started an online journal. Being able to express myself in words, words that not necessarily anyone would read but words thoughts, emotions somewhere in case someone would understand or nobody whichever really. I still do this today, especially when I’m really depressed as a means to get it out somewhere, somehow. I want to share them but I can’t, I’m too afraid that someone won’t understand or will misinterpret or think I’m just a whiny girl who should just suck it up and get over it. I’ve gotten over it, gotten over the emotions tied to things but the events themselves they continue to live with me and effect my judgments and parts of my personality. The girl in the book she states that she decided to float through school and not connect with anyone and just basically muddle through, that’s exactly what I did, and what I still do today for the most part. It hasn’t gained me much, I have hardly any friends but I’m still entrenched in the fear of someone knowing me or not knowing me, or incorrectly knowing me. Is this what would have happened to the girl in the book had she not successfully killed herself? Because I didn’t and this was the path I took and I can’t pull myself off it, or I don’t want to its very familiar and I like familiar.

commute

i have a bus/commute friend, she's friendly nice and works here but not in my department, i just dont really know what to do, like do i leave it as a commuting thing or something else, she apparently lives in my subdivision and has seen me walking my dog

drifting out on the water

Group got cancelled tonight, well its officially on hiatus... we shall see if it re-emerges. I gave good advice tonight in my opinion, I always and will forever give better advice than I can ever hope to take. This falls into the I will do things my way at all costs good or bad, that’s my mother’s description of my personality and its true, just don’t tell her I admit she’s right. I had gone and was going to ask if this wasn’t going to be a stable group than I would just assume not come, and the only reason for 3 of the last 4 sessions that happened in the past 2 months were because I joined otherwise it would have died sooner, maybe I prolonged the inevitable but not for too long.

I’m re-reading 13 reasons, I’m not 100% sure why, because I never re-read books, like ever, but its provided such a catharsis today I think it deserves or I need to read it again.

okay

so my thoughts have been working since i finished the book... whats kind of funny is i woke up the other morning and felt compelled to start writing, at least what had been running in my head since i was woken up... and i think i still want to go down that road but i'm not sure how all my thoughts and memories really fit together in a cohesive manner, if at all.. and i'm almost afraid to make a list becuase like i dont know if i write it down, even as a self reminder i'm afraid i'll forget, stupid but thats what it is..

13 reasons

i just finished the book, started it and finished it today... it provided an excellent catharsis emotionally, though i did not cry but i am still unclear on my thoughts about it, i have feelings about it but i'm kind of fuzzy great book though

history

history of suicide me and the internet... it starts somewhere that was called the ER, the Emotional Repository... meanders to somewhere called the PostingPlace (http://web.archive.org/web/19990128182049/http://www.postingplace.org/index.html) and ends somewhere in the present... i dunno i felt like acknowledging the past and its contributions to my still breathing

curious

its a bit curious and has me concerned that there are people who are concerned with my mental stability or lackthereof... its alittle unnerving mostly because i would rather they not pay attention like 99% of the people in my life... its so much easier to cut and run, when nobody cares...

owwie

owww my ribs are SOOO SORE!!! damn bronchitis

lonely

yes i am, shocker huh? you know i'm pretty damn independent and can do shit on my own w/o needing help but like i've had bronchitis started with that damn summer cold and it would have been and would be so nice to have someone else around just to help out... and well i dont know why i persist in living like this... i'm stuck and frankly i cant get myself out

hazy hot & humid = misery

yes you heard me!

back to the grind

work is superbly annoying and the people are irritating.. and my computer is slow as hell, actually everyones was today.. but thats no excuse

just dunno

ok i'm not falling asleep very well, keep thinking... people have asked how my visit was, did i have fun etc... and well i dunno it was a visit it was a nice break i suppose but really unfortunately didnt feel like anything more than that... i mean like i didnt feel all excited to see her or anything like the last time and well i'm not convinced she thinks it was a worthwile trip either... i mean not only was she coming to visit me... i practically make her stay in a hotel (AND she wouldnt let me pay for that).. she's also having major issues with her husband... and well she read me an email he sent and frankly he wasnt all wrong in what he said... but he's rubbed me the wrong way from the beginning and i'm not sure he understands or believes everything in that email and i only remember thinking this i dont remember the email except that he said she made him into a hypochondriac, which was a misuse of the word, she created him anxiety .... i dunno thats what i remember and all i could comment on when she asked what i thought... i dunno... did i have fun, not really... did i enjoy the visit, not really... was it a welcome break from normal, yes... was it nice to see her, yes.... so overall i just dont know... AND i dont know how to fill out those stupid forms from group... i mean i was also thinking about that and they ask about how your feeling and stuff and frankly i dont feel anything most of the time... except frustration, irritation, annoyance... also watched EM: WE as stated earlier and its just so i dont even know the word for what it is... its like its all well and good and these people are losing weight but the girl who was on tonight she had a family to support her and be there... and i dont, i mean i know i moved and i'm way less stressed and i dont think i could move back and be that close proxximity wise ever again really but i miss my family sometimes, like mom calls and thats nice and really annoying other times but she calls, and dad calls not as often but he does... erica never really calls... i do miss my sister, but ... i dont know i think she tries to not include me so she isnt hurt if anything happens, and i totally get it and i dont know its a consequence of my own actions but it still sucks... thing is we were never really close, we were getting there i think going to dinner twice a month before i moved here and she to texas but yeah well... spoke w/her tonight she broke up w/her bf and didnt tell me, i dunno for how long but it sucks, she didnt tell me when she started dating him so i suppose i shouldnt be suprised she didnt tell me she stopped but i dunno its like i would have liked if at least mom told me, she's the one who told me about her dating in the first place... i guess its hard to include me... not only am i distant proximally but i dont really fit in well and i know i try to keep them at arms length to protect them should i ever end up checking out and they try to do the same, well erica does.. the others maybe but to a lesser degree... i'm typing til i get tired and i'm not tired yet... i was also thinking about how i met aubrey, i always tell people i met her in college including my family but that isnt exactly true... i met her online, true that this was during college... and my family knows i met her online.. but i met her online in a depression/suicide chat room/support group posting website thingamajig... i dunno i dont tell people that.. two of the girls we met there and in person along the way friended both aubrey and myself on facebook within the last month... aubrey mentioned it this weekend how it was odd... i suppose it was... another weekend topic was social lives... aubrey has one, though claims to not... like i get she's got 2 kids but here she is she has a boyfriend, a soon to be ex (hopefully), HS friend she sees every couple months, old co-workers who get together every month... i have zero of that... closest i have is will... and he's a work friend, more like a work-week friend... and like i know i was alittle better when kim and erica were both my friends and we like got together outside of work but thats over, all i want is like reciprocity in friendship, but i never get it... i suck at making and choosing friends... aubrey is a friend and she reciprocates but shes also in CA and i actively dont tell her all my shit, she knows enough for a lifetime, plus shes' got her own shit... lord... why am i not tired yet?
i guess i'll go to netflix and put on shrink, great movie btw, but i'm hoping it can put me to sleep...i've already seen it so chances of falling asleep watching a movie i've already seen are usually good...

extreme

watched Extreme Makeover Weightloss Ed. tonight... its good and bad, i cant do that right now... my house is a sty... there is literally shit everywhere... and i cant motivate myself to clean.... so its just complacency all around... i mean even if i were to lose weight after that goal is achieved what happens then? i know me... i just dont see anything like that sticking, so why do it... ohhhhh crap!

vaca day 1

Having aubrey here is nice got a gigantic mat out of my hair with her help couldnt have asked anyone else but i still feel like im disappointing her, i mean she flew here and everything for vacation & i have her doing my hair which btw smelled deplorable from the mat & not washing or brushing in 6 mos. Though thankfully she knew a bunch of tricks to help get it out, still refused to let her in the house now im home posting from my nook cuz i left my laptop @ the hotel so we could watch another movie tomorrow.... but i still feel kind of miserable and like the worst host/friend ever :(

arrgh!! goddamn laptop

i hate the goddamn laptop at work it drives me fucking insane... swear to god! it has taken me over an hour to arrive at a state in which i can do work... outlook crashes, boot up time sucks... what else.. we have so many goddamn idiotic system processes going on these things as a standard ... and they wrote a pat ourselves on the back article a while back about how boot time has improved, what are they looking at the time it takes the monitor to wake up?? goddamn!!

vacation?

ok so aubrey emailed me and said she wants to come this weekend, short notice but okay... no wait not okay... ugh i have spiders in my house she cant stay no matter what she says about not caring about the state of my house that she'll care about.. and what would we do? i'm serious.. and like its not even getting either friday or tues off or whatever thats a problem.. its she's coming... she said she just wants to come see me but i dont know, like i dont think it'll be fun for her... it'll be disappointing... and like ugh i didnt take my meds like i told myself i would and now she's coming, well not offically but ... and like what about trinity? like i have no idea how she'd react to a guest, i dont have guests... and i caught and drown a carpenter ant, lord! wtf... and now since im itchy... not from any cause just seeing the ant crawling on the couch has made me itchy.. ugh... looked up hotels cheapest one is with the military discount, i think she'd get that but i dunno, i'm pretty sure she's got a military spouse id... and if i get her a room, i mean what happens i dont know i ugh... plus i need to try to sleep, which maybe i'd be doing had i not gotten and replied to the email... ugh ugh ugh!

nook

my nook charger ceased to work today.... 3-5 days befor i can get the replacement B&N is shipping to me... ROAR

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

i cant fucking fall asleep, when i try i just get all infuriated again at trinity, she pulled the damn leash out of my hand and scared the beejeezes out of a woman her yorkie and two kids.... and im so furious still... i thought i was over it but i'm not im still upset, damnit ... its times like these when i think i should give her up and find her a new home where they wont be depressed and not take her out and play with her etc... she deserves better anyway...

exhale...

ok yesterday sucked... because yesterday sucked i came home took trinity out to do business came in, didnt turn on any lights, took off my shoes and lay down on the couch cried a bit and then slept til 10:30 this morning... 17 hours of sleep was nice...

napping dreams

so i fell asleep and napped for a bit, like 2.5hrs... had a dream that aubrey did come for vacation to visit and we got a hotel room to just get away and it was like very superficially fun... like it was good to get away but i didnt feel like i dont know vacationy in the dream... i'm afraid that may happen if she sticks to her plan of visiting next month... that sucks

drama?

maybe i'm just being overly dramatic... i've calmed considerably since this morning...

anxiety

ok so i have 10 days until my appointment, and i just i dont know, i know i need help i know i need probably more than 1x/week help but i dont know how i'm going to handle anything else... partial hosptialization is ok but i looked and its a 30 day program... timing of this sucks so bad, what happens if i disappear for 30 days from work during the evaluation period for the new re-org? ugh i dont know plus like i dont know if thats what it should be, am i really that bad? i mean i dont know, i've been able to muddle through... bleh bleh roar... ugh leaving the work up for another half hour to make up for the idiotic move of forgetting the laptop this morning.. yesterday was better, i slept nearly all day woke up for a few hours at 2 then 8-11... the rest of the day was sleep, which is nice... i wish i can find someone who i can really trust and talk to truthfully and hash out my crap... its so hard to find though

self awareness

you know being self aware enough to know your crazy is shitty... plus its like if your self aware you should be able to figure it out and justs suck it up and stop it but i cant, i just want to sink in, drift off and fade away... plus not only am i self aware i'm aware of how i effect others, and you know what it sucks it sucks alot and if i could just die just stop being it'd be the last time i'd effect them...

idiotic

left my fucking laptop in the car this morning so i rode the bus downtown then waited 15mins for the bus to come back home, really life isnt making it easy to want to continue this charade until i have an appt... i just so really dont care anymore

feeling or thinking?

so i'm pretty much biding my time until i have my appt... release was this morning it went well until people started to be stupid... so i extricated myself at around 11 and napped til 4:30 nobody called so that was good...

i was thinking on my drive to grab dinner about something that has always kind of confused me.. you know how people say i feel this way or that way.. i find its mostly a false kind of description, for me its i think this way or that way but rarely feel it, i mean like experience the emotion being described... does that make sense?

sherlock lives

there are a bunch of no shit sherlock depression screenings online, i mean really, oh you clicked that you've had thoughts of suicide you call 911, and oh your depressed you should seek help... bleh

i cant fall back asleep i took a nap and i cant fall back asleep and i have to be working at 7 for the release

so i was online looking to see if there was anything relevant that i could take and maybe print and take with me but there really isnt its all lame, i mean plus there is huge risk involved in being 100% truthful with someone with whom i've never met. i'm afraid that if i do i'm getting a 3 day stay at my local psych ward, and if i do it'll just be like last time anyway, sleep mope around and get discharged... which the last time the psychiatrist whom i did not speak to because he tried to wake my ass up to talk at the crack of dawn told my parents i was just an angsty 19yo... so there was nothing really wrong that he could do anything about.. yep gotta love the mental health system

my inclination and instinct is to always be cordial and truthful but only to the point that its relevant but not to the point that i'd be in danger of being committed, but you know thats really not true either, i was in near hysterics in july when i went and nope... so what am i worried about anyway right?

plus now since my appt isnt until the 28th i have a whole 2 weeks to mull over and think about it all... not my idea of a good time

now i have a working mouse...

i have a working mouse now... which is nice... but i'm still all bleh

those annoyances

you know just when i start liking this side "project" i was appointed to at work it gets taken away... freaking A its so annoying..

grumble

ok so i just called and got new appts elsewhere, therapy and psychiatrist... cancelled my appt next week... i just never know how these things go... roar why?

seriously??

ok so i got dragged into HR because someone said i smelled foul...seriously?

also what is with the incompetence of the testers lately, giant white space where an image should be... really you didnt notice that?? lord!

work computers

does everyone's work computer take at minimum 20mins to boot up into a workable state or is that just here? TODAY it took over an hour, at the conclusion of the 1st hour windows told me it was finished installing updates (and being a total resource hog) and that i had to reboot, so i did, when it came back it was fine after 15mins of i dont know what.. but its working... albeit the windows updates icon went nearly immediately from green to yellow, so did it not install correctly or did it just not install everything so this will happen the next time i reboot, good thing i only reboot over the weekends.. LORD!

pfffbt

here i am at an impass, pretty much either i make an attempt at getting back into therapy and be honest and accept the consequences of that or i die, i just dont know what the right choice is... bleh pffbt

all alone

ok i wont lie, i've been considering this birthday to be my last and frankly it seems less cruel than doing it any other day... when i was sick last week it spotlighted and punctuated my aloneness... weird thing is i want someone to care, i've always wanted someone to care but i cant find someone and i cant allow anyone either.. i'm not on my meds that fell to the wayside after i moved to the couch... and i went up to my old room and its destroyed, dog shit, dog destroyed mattress, random crap dog's dragged up to the room... yup its fabulous... and i think about cleaning, i buy stuff to do that but i just have zero motivation to clean, who am i doing this for? i dont care about me, thats been obvious for a while, my god my hair is matted i havnt washed it in like 5 months! but contrary to what my parents had led me to believe nobody cares... the thing is i cannot figure out the animals, i love them but its like i already lost the cats when i got the dog, and well trinity is she's still puppyish and her destruction and stealing are entirely my fault, i havnt taken her for a real walk since my breakdown last summer... i just dont know... and it really pisses me off i never got the referral for a new shrink i asked for from my psychiatrist... apparently all he's good for is a new script every few months... why dont i call for one myself you ask? well i dont know who to call besides it takes like a month to get an appointment anyway and i feel like i can talk now, not a month from now a month from now if i'm still here i'll do what i always do and say yeah everythings fine, sure i think about killing myself sometimes, nah i dont have a plan... sure next week.. ok see you then... bleh!

i am no longer sick!

i am back, no longer sick, ate 3 meals and no digestive annoyances yay!!

sick

ugh i was sick sick this week.. went home from work tuesday feeling like crap getting a fever, slept for nearly 24 hours felt alittle better only to discover i had what has to have been one of the worst diarrea that i've had... i swear to god!! plus when i finally felt well enough to go out and get some anti diarreal, it was nearly sold out! apparently this was going around! luckily i'm better now, i ate yesterday and today... like i mean meals not just soup... but you know like being sick kind of punctuates how alone i am ... which sucks, i really dont know what to do about it either, how pathetic is that? like i mean i KNOW what to do but i dont know or how.. you know?

friends?

so i've been thinking, i apparently am either very very bad at being a friend so nobody wants to call me or include me or whatnot, or i'm miserable at picking friends or something i havnt figured out... i just dont get it

normalcy sorta

i feel more calm, normal tonight but who knows med inconsitancy doesnt seem to play well with me does it?

articulation

the articulation of ideas is a tricky waterway of pitfalls and waterfalls, and some white water... composing in the realm of my own brain and thoughts everything is eloquent, mostly, prose that makes perfect sense... i have no idea where i was got interrupted by my boss walking by and saying hi... whatever

work

work is what fills the time between sleeping, unconciousness

being human

just caught up on being human... i like it, and i think i relate to it ... like the last episode commented about how people long for connections, touch... but they dont get it, they cant because when they do people get hurt, how i feel, although i'm not a vampire a werewolf or a ghost, i'm alone, i've alienated myself from everyone for their own good, because i dont have total control, i dont know i still have thoughts, wants to just stop end it i just havnt fallen down the black hole to do anything, and i'm still on the goddamn couch, i swear i was going to clean but i didnt, big suprise huh? i just wish there could be someone a real live human being who i could let in and who would care, and not judge and not snidely comment behind my back or to my face for that matter... just someone, someone i dont actually think exists as much as i would like it to be true, i think i'm alone for the duration, however long that turns out to be...

confused

today was a strange fucking day woke up felt awful, i think i had a fever, very dizzy.. i think i dreampt that i puked... whatever i called in sick and slept til 5:30 however i'm still exhausted, i dont know what the fuck i caught but i have no more fever, i'm thinking i had a fever because i was so fucking confused this morning.. and now aubrey calls wanting to talk, needing brutally honest life advice... i still dont know who i keep going for i really dont... i did however remember to take my meds tonight... the med thing is so horrible now sleeping on the couch and all... so tired...

meds schmeds

ok so i'm on not a schedule with my meds, mostly due to my sleeping arrangement on the couch at the moment, my routine is bombed, so i remember when i remember... and lately i've been feeling, not really feeling more a state of being of emptiness, nothingness... i have these exceptional articulations of things in my head, mostly at night keeping me up but i can never properly articulate these things during the day by speaking or by writing, i need some kind of thought recording device to do that properly.. also i forget there was an also, i'm just tired, like i want to take a day off but its like i wont get a damn thing done i'll just sleep all day.. its so pointless... and i'm more writing this to keep myself busy because if i dont keep myself busy, reading, working, watching tv or something i start to think about my life and the realization of how pitiful it is... and i want someone to care, wish it would happen that someone would or even could care without a commentary of insults accompanying it.. or something, i mean not even my family, my parents can do that... i seriously dont think that exists... listening to goodbye love ... and i need a nap, although i did fall asleep around 2:30 which is fairly good when my brain doesnt shut off.. i dunno, i have a meeting at 10, so i have a half our to fill my time and make sure i'm doing something, anything.. i'm not, no i'm sure i cant type for another half our of whatever comes to mind.. so i'll end here for now.. i may return if i become bored enough

monday

so.. i feel like crap... i hate it why cant i just let the abyss take me away and let me not care and just end it, but no i cant seem to slip away :(

zero

i have zero motivation to do a goddamn thing, i got up went to work and i'm a bit tired but i dont have any ambition to do anything, dude i didnt even get breakfast

what is going on?

ok so let me tell you, came home from work on friday, dog puke in the hallway... ok no biggie, went about my evening, then went up to bed, bed is stripped and there is dog puke all over the mattress.. so i'm staying in the livingroom, i just dont have the ambition or wearwithall to fix anything, the puke was dry smelly and what do i do, i ignore it... and i keep ignoring everything, nothing really matters ... no meds this weekend just because i've been in the livingroom and meds are upstairs.. i had like plans this weekend and i wake up this morning in time to do things and it freaking snowed, it was supposed to rain and maybe a dusting but no like a half inch of ssnow, and thats not much but it made me not want to do a damn thing today, so i didnt... now i'm living in the livingroom, feeling miserable as always on the weekends... its getting somewhat harder to just keep going... pretending everything is great when it isnt, and i'm not even pretending this are great they arent and they just well they are, pretending things are more normal than they are i guess is what it is.. and its not.. and i can take a week off and wouldnt get a call or anything, i dont even think my 'work friend(s)' would be those friends if i didnt work with them daily... if i didnt i'd just be another person in the building... i dont know.. its what it always is right and its not going to change because i dont have the energy to change it..

feeling?

i'm not feeling much lately, i'm just kinda numb and alone, feeling alone, but i dont like feel like ineed to talk or anything although ocassionally i do, but to who? dr frye never got the referral done so i guess he doesnt think its necessary for me, just keep refilling those scripts... grr

work and misery

OMG work is on my last freaking nerve lately... plus my manager is acting as though he doesnt think or trust that i can do my job!!! all the lip service about thank you and your so great is just that because actions shouting so much louder than words... i dont know how much more i can take of this all... am i really cut out for this life stuff? really am i?

bleh

im feeling crappy again, i know work isnt going well, everyone is freaking annoying me... i'm sleeping weekends away and everything is pissing me off...

roar

i hate that my shrink was right about me being in a worse moood when work goes sour... ugh!!

so its 2011

happy new year... i had a good holiday unexpectedly, it was nice and relaxing... now i'm kinda bummed, i'd like to have friends who thought of me, ever, but i dont... i have the aquaintance type of friends, not the real kind of friends... its okay i get it... here's to another year of mediocrity