what is my brain doing you ask? well i'm going to relay that to you because maybe if i do i can just stop thinking about all this shit
- Matt... i like him, want to be able to be relaxed around him, trust him, dont know how... all the past shit is just so much to overcome, and i kind of think he makes me happy but not feel happy which i find frustratingly annoying.... like i think i should be able to feel happy in the same manner that i feel sad/depressed/anxious/annoyed but thats not the case... its all a rationalization of happiness
- work... oh work... i'm not a million people and i'm not cloned, its frustrating to have to fix things once they're in production, though it is my job, regardless that shouldnt be my job, the job should be to guide projects along, which i'm trying to do, and not have the problems in the first place, but i have no voice in the matter... and i'm just tired ... like requirements we read requirements as a whole complete document, we dont write them that way now, which is part of the reason they're so shitty lately... projects dont ask me about things when they should i cant hunt down projects to include me its at their own peril when they dont, but thats not really true since they have no owness to fix things post-patch thats on me... so really who has any owness or culpibility in the matter? nobody!
- erica w.... never repaired a friendship before, its like i think i could and think i want to i just dont know how to get past the shit and its not super big shit its like oh your going to stop talking to me and not reciprocate fine i can do that, you dont have to be my friend i'm not going to force you... so thats what it was ...
- which kind of leads back to matt... i want to know if he likes me, if so in what way if not please tell me... yes it'll hurt but damn dont string me along just because you think i may be fragile in some way... and i dont think he's doing that but i'm afraid if he is... make sense?
- what else is going on in my head... oh user experience... what a croc!
- what if its me thats stringing matt along and i dont like him its just i like what he represents? i'm afraid of that too... like i missed him when he was sick and we werent talking daily but is that me missing him or just the contact? the whole situation confuses me to no end sometimes.. and i dont want to string him along because thats just wrong ... i just i dont know and it frustrates me
- my calf is sore, i think i may have broken my toe... dropped a bottle of powerade on it got a bruise limping all day = sore calf... but then i think oh maybe its a blood clot and i'll die ha! and i like it but i'm not depressed, weird crazy huh?
- oh and my womanly issues... relating to matt... i've got an overgrowth but not infection of yeast its not attractive... and so i need a new gyne the pcp isnt going to cut it
- and about the pcp oh my god can i say worry wart? i mean really... she says i'm diabetic now becuase i'm 1 pt in blood sugar over what would be normal... uh really how about we exclude my weight from your frantic diagnostic rampage and say hey ya know maybe its not a freak out moment, how about that
- oh and if you pcp lady cancel my previous meeting because you had an emergency its generally not a good idea when you keep me waiting on my reschedule so i take my phone and do a crossword to come in set my file down and ask me if i want to reschedule since my phone is in my hand i mean really WTF .. and you think i'm going to subject myself to you again in 2 months you really have a high opionion of yourself now dont you
ok now i'm just randing random things rather than using the bullets... and still not tired enough to sleep fuck! arrgh
