all alone

ok i wont lie, i've been considering this birthday to be my last and frankly it seems less cruel than doing it any other day... when i was sick last week it spotlighted and punctuated my aloneness... weird thing is i want someone to care, i've always wanted someone to care but i cant find someone and i cant allow anyone either.. i'm not on my meds that fell to the wayside after i moved to the couch... and i went up to my old room and its destroyed, dog shit, dog destroyed mattress, random crap dog's dragged up to the room... yup its fabulous... and i think about cleaning, i buy stuff to do that but i just have zero motivation to clean, who am i doing this for? i dont care about me, thats been obvious for a while, my god my hair is matted i havnt washed it in like 5 months! but contrary to what my parents had led me to believe nobody cares... the thing is i cannot figure out the animals, i love them but its like i already lost the cats when i got the dog, and well trinity is she's still puppyish and her destruction and stealing are entirely my fault, i havnt taken her for a real walk since my breakdown last summer... i just dont know... and it really pisses me off i never got the referral for a new shrink i asked for from my psychiatrist... apparently all he's good for is a new script every few months... why dont i call for one myself you ask? well i dont know who to call besides it takes like a month to get an appointment anyway and i feel like i can talk now, not a month from now a month from now if i'm still here i'll do what i always do and say yeah everythings fine, sure i think about killing myself sometimes, nah i dont have a plan... sure next week.. ok see you then... bleh!