tears

they never come... i'm alone, i'm still alone and lonely... these are the main factors as to why i dont take time off, taking time off just reinforces my isolation and lonliness, and yes its mostly by my own doing but whenever i try i always get disappointed or cancelled on or blown off all together.. i had been feeling okay so i tried and i got burned... and work is just so super stressful right now i cant even stand it.. and i said the other day i felt like matt was being distant, i still kinda think that, he overslept til like 5 yesteray and called apologized and came by for a short visit and dinner, i really needed the company, but he was mia today mostly and i know he's working and busy and as much as he says he's no, he doesnt ... he's got friends and he socializes, i cant even stand how jealous i am that he's got a friend with whom he has a standing get together tuesdays for biggest loser, and i know like intelectually that my emotional craziness is making me weird i cant help it... i want someone to come just sit with me and just keep me company, but i cant ask anyone to subject themselves to my moods... and i'm really feeling bad that matts around because of my moods, i want him to be there and i like him and more so because he is there but i cant help it... i hate when people see me i want them to know me but i just i need to suck it all up and try not to drag them down and i feel like i'm doing a really poor job of that... and now i have wfh and 3 days off... i'm kinda scared it'll  be miserable...