weekends suck

weekends suck, especially the ones where i'd like a friend around who would kick my ass or at least be around to get me out of the house for a little while :(

had a dream the other night that i got a hug from a friend... then i woke up to my reality... the morning wasnt too terrible but i went upstairs for a shower and my reality is worse up there.. i dont know how i let it get so bad, but i dont know how to fix it... i mean i know but its so hard... i cant ask for help, what would they think? i dont know what to do anymore.. i just i want to do it for myself i got into this mess on my own i should get out of it on my own but its sooo goddamn hard and its soo goddamn bad... i dont understand how i could have let it get so bad, like i know how it happened but i dont really know how i let it happen.. i dont know if that makes much sense really but thats what it is... fuck the dog has destroyed upstairs and the cats have destroyed the kitchen/dining area... i live in the livingroom now.. and yeah i've made some progress in the livingroom but whats that? its so laughable that it could even be called progress.. i dont know if the damn house is salvageable, i dont know if i'm salvageable..

fuck why ... i want to be alone but i hate to be alone... but i'm so good at pushing everyone away so i am alone.. *sigh*