just dunno

ok i'm not falling asleep very well, keep thinking... people have asked how my visit was, did i have fun etc... and well i dunno it was a visit it was a nice break i suppose but really unfortunately didnt feel like anything more than that... i mean like i didnt feel all excited to see her or anything like the last time and well i'm not convinced she thinks it was a worthwile trip either... i mean not only was she coming to visit me... i practically make her stay in a hotel (AND she wouldnt let me pay for that).. she's also having major issues with her husband... and well she read me an email he sent and frankly he wasnt all wrong in what he said... but he's rubbed me the wrong way from the beginning and i'm not sure he understands or believes everything in that email and i only remember thinking this i dont remember the email except that he said she made him into a hypochondriac, which was a misuse of the word, she created him anxiety .... i dunno thats what i remember and all i could comment on when she asked what i thought... i dunno... did i have fun, not really... did i enjoy the visit, not really... was it a welcome break from normal, yes... was it nice to see her, yes.... so overall i just dont know... AND i dont know how to fill out those stupid forms from group... i mean i was also thinking about that and they ask about how your feeling and stuff and frankly i dont feel anything most of the time... except frustration, irritation, annoyance... also watched EM: WE as stated earlier and its just so i dont even know the word for what it is... its like its all well and good and these people are losing weight but the girl who was on tonight she had a family to support her and be there... and i dont, i mean i know i moved and i'm way less stressed and i dont think i could move back and be that close proxximity wise ever again really but i miss my family sometimes, like mom calls and thats nice and really annoying other times but she calls, and dad calls not as often but he does... erica never really calls... i do miss my sister, but ... i dont know i think she tries to not include me so she isnt hurt if anything happens, and i totally get it and i dont know its a consequence of my own actions but it still sucks... thing is we were never really close, we were getting there i think going to dinner twice a month before i moved here and she to texas but yeah well... spoke w/her tonight she broke up w/her bf and didnt tell me, i dunno for how long but it sucks, she didnt tell me when she started dating him so i suppose i shouldnt be suprised she didnt tell me she stopped but i dunno its like i would have liked if at least mom told me, she's the one who told me about her dating in the first place... i guess its hard to include me... not only am i distant proximally but i dont really fit in well and i know i try to keep them at arms length to protect them should i ever end up checking out and they try to do the same, well erica does.. the others maybe but to a lesser degree... i'm typing til i get tired and i'm not tired yet... i was also thinking about how i met aubrey, i always tell people i met her in college including my family but that isnt exactly true... i met her online, true that this was during college... and my family knows i met her online.. but i met her online in a depression/suicide chat room/support group posting website thingamajig... i dunno i dont tell people that.. two of the girls we met there and in person along the way friended both aubrey and myself on facebook within the last month... aubrey mentioned it this weekend how it was odd... i suppose it was... another weekend topic was social lives... aubrey has one, though claims to not... like i get she's got 2 kids but here she is she has a boyfriend, a soon to be ex (hopefully), HS friend she sees every couple months, old co-workers who get together every month... i have zero of that... closest i have is will... and he's a work friend, more like a work-week friend... and like i know i was alittle better when kim and erica were both my friends and we like got together outside of work but thats over, all i want is like reciprocity in friendship, but i never get it... i suck at making and choosing friends... aubrey is a friend and she reciprocates but shes also in CA and i actively dont tell her all my shit, she knows enough for a lifetime, plus shes' got her own shit... lord... why am i not tired yet?
i guess i'll go to netflix and put on shrink, great movie btw, but i'm hoping it can put me to sleep...i've already seen it so chances of falling asleep watching a movie i've already seen are usually good...