falling apart

dude, i'm falling apart, literally, iron deficency anemia, f'd up ankle... fell xmas eve on ice f'd up ankle more and i'm still sore from the fall... plus these freaking cramps need to stop a month of a period and cramps nearly every day is driving me insane... tonight has been the first night in a while w/o cramps they ended at like 3pmish... but ugh cramps from thanksgiving to christmas, i dont reccomend it... and just incase anyone asks yes i called the doctor he said as long as its not heavy it'll sort itself out basically... goddamn, seriously... its like something burst or something i had a killer cramp on the descent to dfw and frankly nothing has stopped since... then my ankle... and all this hullaballoo

you know sometimes i just want to throw a tantrum but i wont... but damn i want to

_

Watched Bridge to Terabithia tonight, almost cathartic... but as sad as I remembered the original... much better than the previews suggested, the story was completely still there the sfx were used appropriately and sparingly...

arrgh

my computer and more specifially my mouse is being a bitchass!! stupid fucking thing has its button stuck half the time and i dont have a backup... now i cant make the vector i was making for work goddamnit arrgh its sooo annoying!!!!!

update

okay tore the office apart alittle and found mouse but this computer is acting up bigtime! takes forever to type a simple sentance...let me demonstrate

thi is what s happening when i try to just type and not really pay attention to what is ahppening letters get ahead of hcursor and arrgh wtf?? etis

been a while

its been a while, i'd been feeling good and havn't really had the need to post and get some thoughts out...

its funny how a comment or the interruption of my schedule really effects me... like 3 day weekends they are horrible ... its weird... and i went to work and didnt work that saturday and took 3 days off and one of the girls i work with picked up on the fact that i was proud of myself for not coming into work on saturday and she said that i shouldnt be proud of that its the weekend... and that i need to get a life and get out there...

yes she's right but i dont really know what it is that holds me back, i dont really know why i'm soooo horrible at the self motivation... or self promotion for that matter.

another thing i think that has really f'd with me is that i took the bus from my house thurs/friday resulting in me being late for work but finishing a book, while i liked finishing the book screwing up my schedule has really messed with me i think...

and i didnt have an appointment today but i was feeling good so i thought i'd go 2 weeks ... plus now my $$ is all f'd up again, stupid bank and the stupid overdraft fees and the way they do shit has cost me $400 over the past 2 months... how f'd up is that?

and i'd been chatting with a guy online and on the phone for maybe a month or so and finally got around to sending him my pics and assumed he'd gone awol because of them, when in reality it was because he had knee surgery... and i sent him one of my emails that i inevitably end up sending, self flagellating myself and apologizing etc i dont know...

and now erica wants me to go to tx for thanksgiving... i dont know about that either..

you know i wish i could have friends again but i dont know how to act.. i dont know if i actually trust people..

eye gotta raise

yep i did... 7% woo! :)

and i made an appt with the nutritionist and a hair appointment, and a dr's appt... although i am quite broke i wont see the raise til the next paycheck, but it was retroactive so it'll be like a nice little something extra

release weekend, and i'm super busy with my three projects... so good for me lol

wii

i`m doing this from a wii. played it today too

kaboom

kick ass wicked thunderstorm now... sweet :)

ugh

i still feel bad about missing my appointment yesterday, and kinda worse about lying about losing power, i didnt lose power but my alarm didnt go off again like it normally does, i dont know why that didnt happen but

and i kinda was looking forward to the drama referal.. i dunno

roar!

i just missed my appt with my shrink! i am sooooooooooooo annoyed, my alarm went off at 7am and i hit snooze and it didnt go off again!! i'm so pissed, i'm off to work now grr!!

when the cats away..

the mice didnt really play, we worked, but thats good... so i had something to write about yesterday and was dead tired from the cookout.. hmmm

anyway saw the pdoc today... tried to get refills, the stupid escript application he uses got locked up, thankfully the pharmacist gave me my pill for tonight, it should get in by tomorrow so i can get my refill plus i get paid tomorrow so i'll have money once again..

got another project, but it seems odd, i'm going to chat with my manager about it, just seems to me we're going backward somehow and we shouldnt.. ya know?

also i want to somehow approach the subject of getting a f/t position but i'm not sure how... so maybe that'll be my topic for saturday, which my appt is at the crack of dawn (for a saturday) at 9am... sheesh

ok so i agreed to that but still 9am on a saturday and i'm not working?? :)

ok thats it i'm going to start rambling if i continue..

what happens...

what happens if i get comfortable with the idea of staying here in pittsburgh? i mean i feel more comfortable here now than i ever have before.. but is that a function of me liking my job and people i work with or is it something more... and why does it kind of feel like deserting massachusetts? its weird, like i'm breaking some allegience or something and yes i think i spelled that incorrectly..

oww

okay so , i saw my shrink and maybe i have some personality issues like inflexibility and stubbornness and weird habits...

anyway oww is because i had a blister on my toe and itched it and its now like a burn kinda its veddy sore... and i dont want to band aid it until it scabs now because i band aided it yesterday and its still oozy... and i cannot find my neosporin at all !!

also i'm a few days short on my meds til my appt thursday grr..

heat

too hot to fall asleep so i'm sitting here now with my feet in my foot bath which i've never used before soaking in some cold water.. actually feels quite nice

hot hot hot

its hot as f*ck today... i'm sitting here and im sweating, yet i hold true i am not turning the a/c on until July

and another thing... i think i notice a difference on meds vs off meds... does that mean i am crazy?

its sooo hot i have a fan on high to my left and a fan on the floor to my right both pointed/angled at me and i'm still sweating i need like 2 more fans front and back to not sweat and keep cool damnit, oh and btw i hate sweating its icky

its freaking HOT out

and to be worse tomorrow, muggy too.. ick and I AM NOT turning the a/c on until JULY that is the end of it but damn june needs to not go 90 and humid!

so thunderstorm woke me up this morning at 4am grr

my foot hurts because the window fan fell on it monday, its got a little bruise and a small swell but other than that its fine

my curious eating schedule is amusing to my friends at work... and i suppose it is kinda weird i'm not totally strict about it but i'd much rather follow than not... thus eat breakfast at 7:30 eat lunch at 1 then dinner at 6... dinner is my most flexible... this all came about because i was invited to lunch at noon and frankly thats just odd for me... and at the reaction we negotiated for 12:30 which turned into 12:45 anyway.. and the harassment commenced... now today when i got part of an asian pear, of which i'd never had before, at around 3ish i got the business too.. all in good fun but it really makes me realize my eating habits are crazy and i do kinda need to schedule snacks if i'm going to snack which they thought was totally bizarre but i'll go all day and not eat or whatnot if i dont pay attention to the time, my metabolism is like zero so...

anyway... i was also looking into gyms around here.. there is one right down the street that has a free week and a nutritionist but nothing much else... there's one 20-30mins away thats bigger with a pool and water aerobics but more pricey... i havnt called either yet but i'd rather water aerobics... but i'd only go like 1x/wk so is it work the extra $$ plus its further away..

i'm hot and sweaty sitting here writing this so i'm going to stop its damn hot here today

georgous

yep today was georgous, however it was hot and i'm always lazy when its like that, i wish my hammock was more to my liking, its more like sitting on my deck if i'm in it, granted i'm quite heavy but still... i should bring that over to john's and get myself a lounge chair or something i'd like to tan a bit i think...

hectic, whirlwind? not really...

not the words i'm really looking for.. partially relaxing i dont know hit super traffic going to my session today there was this little one car accident guy drove off the road and hit the little metal barrier on the side, dinged his headlight but didnt look like anything super big but damn did it snarl traffic, actually i think it snarled traffic more because the cop was parked behind him with his lights on than anything, traffic was already slow because of construction but lordy it took FOR EVER today... i was 15mins late when i normally arrive 15mins early, i park write my check, walk over maybe get a fruit smoothie... nope not today oh and i just had running thoughts of the past week today i dont know that we spoke so much as i talked... also its weird i felt good today, scary for me but i dont know it never seems quite real when i feel good.. anyway thats about it...

yesterday now that was the hectic day, came in meeting got moved well added to and a half hour earlier ... so i didnt have the half hour i thought i had so i ran downstairs grabbed breakfast ran back up and was running around eating my breakfast while getting my shit together... a few people gave me looks but i said dont ask and they didnt, they've come to know i'm a bit quirky by now.. didnt sit down at my desk til like 2pm after lunch then its like i didnt get done what i wanted to because of environmental issues and then the project manager wanted to get something done before testing commenced which would have been fine except i really wanted to get users set straight, set up ready ya know? sheesh man but i got out a half hour early due to my morning hecticness.. so i guess that was good.. would have been better if i had a life but i digress

speaking of which i spoke with john and he said they'd be having a bbq/picnic thing maybe next week or so, so that'll be fun...

thats all for now folks

last lost of 08

ah... i'm slighty dumbfounded... more because of the claire/kate you cant take aaron back ever scene and basically it seems the other island in the know characters say you have to return..

i was expecting christian in the coffin for a second then... i was like are they going to tell us... and they did.. and damn.. and does desmond count too? what big bad happened? i mean no other meanies are left there right... well charlotte and ghostbuster are but i mean nobody really... and who knows what happened to faraday..

is jeremy benedum an acronym, i gotta see about that later...

oh and my landscaping got done yesterday yay :)

dog day

woke up to yet another dog fight with the same dog aggressor but with a shephard this time.. seriously twice in two weekends, the lady should walk the dog muzzled if he needs to defend her that vigorously... oh and i hit a dog today too, dog ran away looked okay but damn it shouldnt have been out w/o a leash w/o a collar and running onto the street from the woods where i couldnt see it til it was too late, damn kid saw me hit his dog too, then the dad made himself feel better by yelling at me then walking away.. what did he want me to do? i mean seriously? i suppose he decided to walk away because he knew i didnt see the damn dog sheesh

i should feel worse but i dont, i'm annoyed at the owners in both cases..

stranger than fiction

just finished watching it.. awesome movie.. reflective actually of my session today... transformation, making a change not walking the same line devoid of social interaction... i just dont know how to make that leap... harold, the main character, was seemingly placed in a situation where he could do so, albeit doing so in some respect because of the narration of his life in his head by the author... i have to say if it were me, i believe i'd make the same choice and tell the author the book made sense with the death and go off to accept it, although i dont know if i would be so spared as harold was... you never know but i think i have somewhat of a longer path to trod to make those types of fundamental broad reaching changes to my life.. only time will tell right?

ltnp

well kinda... nothing much to report, lazy day at work went on a deleting rampage to clean up unused files from 2006 and early 2007... and there are still more to delete, hopefully by the EOW it'll be cleaned up.. monday is a holiday, long weekend no plans i think my friends are going out of town so.. i'll be putzing around the house

friend of mine at work told me today she's leaving, kinda, friday... she's moving back south and marrying her ex, and now she's going to be on permanent telecommute and flying in ocassionally... and another work friend is also leaving friday for bigger and better..

i got me a cut from my sobe tonight, and whats with these season finale's lately is it like a requirement that some cast member die this year?

weekend summary

ok saturday i woke up to screaming... a dog fight apparently happened, it appeared someones puppy got out of the house and someone walking a mastiff and a small dog, were involved... i'm assuming the mastiff won, but geez... what a way to wake up!

today it was lazy boring rainy sleepy... meds are okay... no longer dizzy that actually wore off quicker than i'd expected... still a bit tired all weekend but dont know if that had to do with the meds or the lazyiness that is totally spelled wrong

this week should be busy... also had to pay my damn gas bill.. i'm so bad with that one!

past, present, future?

shrinker day today... we talked, i listened, he's right but i dont know.. i do spend alot of time "in the past" it serves no purpose other than to occupy my time which i have no other use for at the moment...

unfortunatly as much as i talk about change and wants etc i still have no inate drive to do anything... maybe the meds will help? maybe i should start actually talking about how i feel and think? i dont know when i do that i'm like nearing the end of my rope but i'm not there at the moment i'm hanging by the rope but i'm not at the end right now.. hanging like i dunno middle, center i suppose but not quite supported by my feet...

also LOST is very past present future lately... i'd be nice to have some kind of crystal ball to the past events if only to observe and potentially learn something from watching you didnt learn from being in the moment, also i dont know what i'm saying nevermind... doc jensen has a great article on tonights episode though

hmmm

mildly irritable today... wonder if its the meds starting to kick in or i was just irritable today... dunno... med #2 starting tomorrow... hopefully that'll balance me out, although the one thing i do notice is my sleep is getting more stabilized, not falling asleep randomly etc..

i was bored

In 1979 (the year you were born)

Jimmy Carter is president of the US A major accident occurs at a nuclear reactor on Three Mile Island near Middletown, PA An American Airlines DC-10 loses its engine and crashes seconds after takeoff, killing 275 people Hurricane David kills over 1200 in the US and the Dominican Republic Some 90 people, including 63 Americans, are taken hostage at the American Embassy in Tehran, Iran The Soviet Union invades Afghanistan ESPN starts broadcasting Aaliyah, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Norah Jones, Heath Ledger, and Kate Hudson are born Pittsburgh Pirates win the World Series Pittsburgh Steelers win Superbowl XIII Montreal Canadiens win the Stanley Cup Kramer vs. Kramer is the top grossing film Sophie's Choice by William Styron is published "My Sharona" by The Knack spends the most time at the top of the US charts The Facts of Life premiers

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

death trend setta

okay that title is indicative of the song i'm listening to at the moment and has no real meaning ... anyway..

just got off the phone w/aubrey, it was funny we kept asking/telling wade to tell mommy happy birthday and his response was always no, until that is he kept asking for a story and i suggested to tell him there would be no story until he told mommy happy birthday.. and he DID, damn 3 year old thwarting our plan to keep talking... sheesh lol

also didnt mention this the other day or maybe i did but psychiatrist had the nerve to tell me i was topic jumping... phooey, people have to stay with me and fill in the blanks, its really not that difficult if you stay with me.. there are some people who have perfected the art of staying with me and can follow a thought train ...

walking down a path..

familiar yet not the one i exactly want to be on... just took my pill..

LOST

okay onto more interesting things... claire is sooo definately of the deceased population of that island now.. and whats with locke, the island has been hunting him down for his entire life.. and whats with abbadon? is he working for widmore? is he island native? why would both alpert and abbadon be looking for locke, whats the connection... where does ben fit into this weird connect your lost characters connect the dots game we play

and isnt jack supposed to find out claire is his sister this season? i'm surmising he knows at some point because of the comment in the flash forward he made to kate last week that "your not even related to him" ...

oh and the helicopter reached the island pretty damn speedily last night didnt it? and i'm not too impressed with the freighters guriella warfare thats happening...

and Move the Island? okay i get the time weirdness about the island but MOVE the ISLAND? wonder how thats going to happen, did ben move the island, is that why widmore cant find it?

and what about the Orchid station? we're supposed to go there this season right? i'm assuming thats the station where we move the island based on the video for the station.. but get me there already sheesh

did anyone catch the comic book locke was obviously supposed to have chosen over the knife.. it seems to be about the island, was it the same comic series that the spanish comic was from season 1 that walt had found that was hurleys?

thinking..

so we had pizza today at work, there is a picture of me... i'm gianormous now... ugh..

also i have my meds downstairs, havnt actually taken them yet...

i just dont know.. man i wish i was just depressed and not "okay" not good but just okay... just okay is so... whats the word i'm looking for... its so mediocre but thats not quite it either.. its okay in the sense that yeah i'm generally fine but there are those moments that i still ask myself what the fuck are you still around for? ya know?

ah to medicate...

okay so saw the psychiatrist, i think i sounded a tad more crazy than usual.. but the whole med argument kinda wears on me i suppose... but i got a script, have it filled and its sitting downstairs.. i figure i'll start tomorrow night...

shrink exercises etc

okay so saw the shrink today.. i've missed a developmental milestone for not caring about my birthday... yes i'm aware i should not care about this at this point thank you but i cant help it... *sigh*

okay so today's exercise was goals... of which i pretty much have none so we sat there for almost an hour to come up with this list ...

• repave driveway
• call landscapers to get rid of the ugly vine thing in the backyard
• remodel kitchen
• replace carpet
• vacation to see aubrey
• go back to school, maybe vet again (highly doubtful though i must say)
• snorkling/scuba
• travel abroad
• get myself a hydrogen car, preferably a SUV
• own grams house, and grammies get the whole corner back
• perm position at my job
• own a house having money for maid and landscaping services
• lose weight
• get a dog
• get one of those enormous wall fishtanks
• have bicoastal residences and maybe one here too
• take another road trip
• get some solar panel roofing
• cruise
• i cannot read my own writing here.. i'll return, okay i remember it says do one of those vacations that are on finding cash & treasures on the travel channel...
• got to all 50 states
• skydiving
• a proper hammock
• date
• sex
• call a nutritionist

i have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow too.. you know what too? when compliling this list i was asked if i could do anything right now by pushing a button what would i do.. this was my motivation to keep coming up with stuff... my first inclination was to end it, done, over with, dead... yeah i'm nuts huh?

fire drill

okay so the whole building evacuation thing wasnt as bad as i had thought it'd be, more people than i anticipated also decided to skip the walking down 17 stories to evacuate... made me feel better because i was a bit stressed about the whole walking down the stairs in a crowd, i think i'm a bit more afraid of the walking down the stairs thing than i thought, i realized this morning that even in my own house when i walk down the stairs i have one hand on the railing and the other on the wall...

sigh

lazy day, i need a lawnperson and someone to rip out that goddamn vine.. also if someone could just come through and throw everything away that'd be nice too.. or someone to help clean although the house is such a sty i wont let anyone in..

ice fields

if you know me i loathe mental health analogies, however i'm feeling like recently i've been like walking on one of those artic floating ice fields... stable for a while then wobbly hopping around to try to find the next piece of stable ground hoping the one i step on next isnt going to topple over and i have to swim out grab on and try to pull myself up again before hypothermia kicks in and i'm just too tired to give a shit and give up...

dude

dude was the word of the day today... and i worked ALL DAY today too... got to work at 7:02 and left at i think it was like 10:56 when i got in my car...

but the stuff is in and everything is hunky dory... with the release that is, got stuff done for new project, ended the dental project, now only 2 projects, my real project and the new project...

it'll be nice to only have to keep track of my time for two projects now

crap

today was a crappy monday, weather and just in general.. forgot my ipod so it was too quiet at work... kinda officially started my new project and now i'm kinda anxious about it because its like all me... and while this is what i like i'm i dunno... plus its like i'm back to "normal" kinda blah blah whatever, not terribly depressed but not happy either...

i still kinda want this to just be all in my head and i can just like somehow decide to just be normal...

and i spoke with erica tonight, she's playing softball with a work league, i'm kinda jealous, but i'll be realistic i'm not of a size where i should be playing softball again now am i?

Weekend

so... to sum up the weekend... i have no one word actually.. i worked sat morning, got that done, saw the shrink... i'm soso about that still... just came back from dinner and now im kinda blah...

i think i'm kinda jinxing my mood at the moment... i mean.. i dunno i had originally like last month when i was really depressed decided that this would be the weekend, i'd have my birthday then that'd be the end of it all but now now i have to resume my life again.. i dunno its alittle weird.. im such a psycho arent i?

The Shape of LOST to come..

DAMN! I just finished watching yesterday's episode which I missed and OMG! And whats up with Ben & Widmore... are they related, that option struck me as ben entered widmore's room... or are they the same person? I know though that undoubtedly that Widmore's boat race was orchestrated to land Desmond on that island and Widmore, not Penny, was the one who lojack'ed the boat to the arctic guys...

and claire, is she really okay, i mean damn the whole house did explode around her essentially, dont think she's going to last another season, but her storyline kind of died when charlie died last season... wonder what implications this episode has related to the future 'ghost' charlie appearing to hurley...

poor jack, they're not being rescued.. but they get off the island, i'm thinking somehow our people are commandeering that freighter, the six are getting off the island and they're infact the ones who slit our freighter doctors throat... i do wonder what's ailing jack though

and SMOKEY, ahh smokey prey-esque black smoke that roams the island... prior to tonight seemingly random and aimless, but i wonder if each encounter was actually purposeful, i mean ben did just kinda summon and unleash it on the mercenary freighter folk.... hmmmm wonder what it is

its too bad there are only a few episodes left this season, damn writers strike!

Birthday Friday

So today was/is my birthday... got a 'suprise' party at work... i was suprised in that i didnt expect the decorations etc or all the cameras but i was figuring the 'emergency meeting' was a birthday get together... but it was good

deposited the birthday money today, overall a good birthday

Thursday... grr

DUDE!!! I woke up like 15mins ago... i missed the first 20mins of LOST.... now i have to wait for it to be available online... roar!!

oh I am SOOOO annoyed!!

weird wednesday

anyone noticing a theme here this week?

anyway busy busy at work, i have o/t approved since i'm working on several projects now... start my new one tomorrow, brought home the overview stuff its actually really really simplistic this release which is good...

called my cousin, said what mom told me was infact not correct.. so that was super awkward, apologized she said i didnt have to but i feel bad now.. and like i ambushed her about something that wasnt true, so weird now... so i also sent a short email apology too... dunno what i was thinkin calling like that...

oh and i made an appt with the psychiatrist too... that was earlier today .. so all my to do's are done mostly anyway

primary tuesday

i voted today for the first time ever... yup

and i took on another project at work, keeps me busy which i was happy about, i'll be flipping between so called hats but it'll be good... i think i'll actually prefer to do both simultaneously rather than one at a time, keeps me busier and hopefully will kinda guarantee me at minimum an extension through years end :) or perhaps a f/t position

fenway just caught a fly and walked away after he lost it after playing with it, frankly i think he killed it and he's now disinterested ...

twas a gorgeous day today, supposed to rain tomorrow but eh right? i can smell the flowers at the bus stop, they smell familiar i think they're gardenias... i'll have to check...

got a collection call about the 2nd of my 3 CC's i'd stopped paying when i left my original job from here... i was kind of hoping i'd have a couple months before that call came though, it zaps all my finances to pay it, i want to but damn

monday, monday

what an unusually relaxed monday it was today... went by fast too... plus we 'clinton watched' for most of the afternoon... bill was late to the rally and hillary followed an hour after him... he got there are like quarter of two she at probably 2:30ish.. for a rally that was supposed to start at 1:30... sheesh i'm tellin ya hehe

my dongle for my computer isnt finding my phone anymore... grrr annoying

sunday

stayed awake all day today, first day, well at least weekend day that i havn't fallen asleep at some point and napped the day away...

so..

got my license renewed today, kinda wish i'd redone my photo but whatever right? went grocery shopping, got gas $61!!! dude that shit has got to come down... and saw the shrink...

i'm still kinda reeling kinda from the conversation with mom last night, told him about it and well i kinda think i'll go ahead and call, his comment was along the lines of maybe this just makes you realize there is something more going on and its not just you... something like that.. and i guess kinda but i dont know its somewhat more acceptable for me personally to want to believe that its like all just in my head and there isnt anything like actually wrong... know what i mean, and despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary... and i dont know why medication is such a touchy subject for me really, i mean i suppose im better on it as so far that i'm not quite as apt to go off myself or get to that point ... i guess its all relative huh... in more ways than one now ...

and i told mom that i'd call for a psychiatrist appt by my birthday... so i have 5 days to do so... 4 because tomorrow is sunday really... we shall see


update 10:07 just started pouring, love the sound of the rain in spring/summer

to medicate or not to medicate...

this is the question... there seems to be some interest in me at work lately, leaning towards a full time staff position... which would be awesome, however i also think it would require me to be medicated, which isnt necessarily a bad thing it just kind of feels like a defeat... dont ask me why for the past 20 years it feels like whenever i'm on it i've been beaten to the point where i have no choice in the matter and regardless i have little to no choice in the matter...

spoke wih mom about it tonight and she's of the school of thought that i should, no suprise there but she also said she worries about me less because she knows it helps and works for me, when i take it and i'm not a non compliant paitent as she so termed it... she also said that my cousin was recently diagnosed as bipolar as well... it actually kinda makes me feel better, sucks for her but not i dont know like it makes me feel better like i'm not the lone crazy in the family but then again it still sucks because i know what its like... and we are not the type of family to discuss such matters so i couldnt like even talk to her i dont think.. weird..

so i have the names of some psychiatrists who have more accomodating hours and i know i should give it a whirl again but i dont feel crappy right now... next week may be another story but right now i'm fine... i'm a horrible paitent arent i?

ponderings

okay first off before i ponder wtf is up with IE, its been a freaking bitch all week! roar! now that thats off my chest...

driving home today i was thinking about random stuff as is my habit when in traffic and i was considering the pros and cons of extended family ... specifically the fact that i personally feel like i'm shafted in the parental support area as compared to the steps and of course the baby of the family, my sister but thats to be expected, the youngest is always the spoiled... anyway i was pondering the competitive fact that is inherent the more children that are added to the pot, the parents aren't garnering income that is variable and increasing each time a new kid is added to the pot so i was wondering should those step siblings not have been would the result be the same? or would i be the recipient of some of that parental support?

and as full as the family is, if you count both sides there are 7 kids in total, i still basically feel like an only child and the outcast child at that... damn double whammy right? i'm the only child who lives apart from either side, and the only one who has never been the recipient of windfall type support, which i am defining as rent free living, you know aside from that under 18 age bracket and the brief college years... i should just stop comparing right, because i'm never going to be that recipient .. i was just pondering this fact

damn titles

watched criminal minds tonight, elephant's memory... one of the lines is sad but true, you dont remember a thing they teach you in school but the torments at the hands of other kids/classmates you have an elephants memory for... i'm paraphrasing there... but its not only that you remember events you'd rather forget.. is that life's way of allowing you to learn from your mistakes, teach you lessons? frankly i have few memories that are happy, joyful etc.. i have some okay memories not anything special but they arent bad ones.. another thing about memory, at least mine, is that the older i get the less emotionally attached i am to my memories, like they dont fire up anything in me anymore good or bad... i can talk about the shitty ones and not be super stressed about remembering it or talking about it... dont get me wrong i can feel my heart beat just a twinge faster but thats it anymore.. i got nothing... furthermore the things that used to be cathartic and cleansing for me dont give me that emotional punch anymore either... is that just getting older or crazy me?

hey also i tweaked my ankle on the bus today, damn people and the break, what is with half the drivers anyway... and where is my brace, anyone know?

weighing the option

so is it better to have a wider skillset that spans several actual job functions or just stick to my own? its such a hard question for me... i get bored easily i want to keep busy while at work i hate twiddling my thumbs at work i *need* stuff to do... so i'm doing it again, as long as someone shows me the application i'm going to go ahead and update the use cases that need to be updated, i'm the closest to it and there is nobody available to do it, so why not me? right, aside from it not actually being in my job description but isnt it better to have options open to other things than to not? i was told today that i should really just try to do my job and just my job because thats my job and they know i'll be bored but they'd rather me be bored and just do my job than to pick up the slack for others, but shouldnt i pick up the slack to get stuff done?

and out of one cheek one person says dont do that its not your job and in the next breath says hey can you do this i know its not your job but there really isnt anyone else... nifty huh?

so i'm probably going to end up doing it half, actually more than half the work is done already... so.. yeah i know

long day

yesterday was a long ass day... but shit got done, slept alot today, yep thats about it... asked for another referral... got some names, still havn't decided if i'm calling or not but i went so far as to get new info... so baby steps i suppose...

thinking

yes thinking can be bad, but i've been thinking... i'm still alittle confused, one of the last posts i'm still confused as to the root of all this shit... is it really me or is it not but i'm just doing?

got genuine compliments today... and i just still dont know how to accept them, i still dont know... and i'm a good sport so i'm coming in EARLY saturday... plus i like to know that i've done it and it got done right.. i'm a bit of a control freak perfectionist incase anyone was unaware of that...

in the midst of the compliment i was asked which i liked better, the job i'm doing now or a job i've done in the past that i'm equally good at... i like both... although i never worked at the job i've done in the past the way this company does it... i'd like to i think but i also like my job right now its kinda i dont know... which is why i've been thinking... i know i mean i'm aware i'm not the most stable right now ... so maybe i should go saturday to my appt and say give me another referral i'll go and get meds... so i'd be able to do the other if i want, but change like i am now wouldnt necessarily be good... so this is why i am still confused as to if its like organically me or if its weirdly learned environmentalish conditioned stuff... i dunno.. maybe i'll open up and discuss, but if i do will i sound like a crazy whiny person? am i just really a crazy person? i know i have issues its rather obvious actually and i'm not oblivious to it i'd just rather not deal with it and ignore... we shall see

not really for me

family reunions... specifically the july one... not really my family... why do people think i should go to this get together where i've never been a part of this so called family... nor do i really wish to be.. yeah they're there, i know them but are they really family? not to me not really.. i dont know them and dont feel like any of them have ever put forth any effort to know me.. so i shouldnt be obligated nor bothered by the insinuation that i should go... right? just leave it the fuck alone already i'm not going, i'm not going ever not unless i'm dragged or if its local i may go for like just to go but i'm not going out of my way to go to a reuinion for a family that really isnt mine.. okay sheesh

ugh

ok, i'm getting depressed now.. no real reason but wtf? c'mon you know i have this internal debate all the time, am i really crazy or is it like some sort of weird learned thing that if i could just stop i'd be normal.. sorta, you know like maybe because i've been going since i was little that i've just been conditioned to believe it and its really not true... like if i could just put my mind to it it'd all just stop... like in those brief time periods where i'm not high i'm not low i'm just plateau normalish and if i can just keep it going... and for some crazy reason i think if i could just do that and i wonder if it'd be me anymore like this is the person everyone knows i am i'm the crazy mood swingy bipolar chick of the family... maybe its really everyone elses perceptions of me that i'm feeding off of and just giving them what they expect... maybe i can just figure out who i am without all this crap... if only i could just do that i'd be normal right? i'd not have been in and out of therapy for the past freaking 20 years... i'm so not old enough to say that yet thats the case.. i mean god damn... is this all a function of whats gone on... i mean had my mom never drug me to a shrink's office or started family or individual therapy i'd be perfectly normal... if she'd never made me go to alateen meetings ... i mean yeah dad drinks, so doesnt she... i cant put my finger on it... i just need to know and figure it out... i'm okay but i'm not i'm here but i'm not i'm alive but i'm dead... its a weird dichotomy ... everything happens for a reason ... or so the philosophy of yesterday would seem to suggest... or everything happens as its going to happen no changing it... so which is it? am i crazy or am i just acting that way because thats whats expected? can i act normal can i stop myself from thinking can i stop myself from a nearly daily thought of what if i just killed myself, but the degrees of that thought are so vast its hard to explain... because even when i'm feeling okay that thought creeps in... i dont plan for the future, i dont have friends, i dont do these things in part because that thought is always there and i dont want to dissapoint or hurt anyone above and beyond those who've already been though it with me... i mean seriously thats a shitty ass thing to do to people at its core but its not something i can stop doing, maybe i cant live without it... now thats fucked up i tell you fucked up... and my life is so pathetic its crazy... i get up go to work, work come home, watch tv maybe fall asleep, watch tv, come online then go to bed and repeat, weekends are go to the shrink if the appointment is saturday or lounge around the house, sleeping, maybe eating meandering about my four walls, i heard people today it was nice in the back... one of the families the kids having fun i think they were probably having a first nice full day kind of picnic barbeque... and it sucks man, it sucks alot i dont have that and i cant and i dont know if i could deal with that again, i mean people are sucky... its hard to have friends i dont want to hurt them i dont want to i have this super tendancy to argue with them hurt them get upset and just cant sustain... especially if i see them within my i'll say region.. i thin the only reason i'm still friends with aubrey is because she's in san diego... i dont even know that we'd have lasted any longer as roomates than the year we lasted... i'm so bitching now arent i ... ugh, i thought if i did this again it'd give me some kind of perspective and some kind of dumping ground for my shit so i didnt necessarily have to carry it about and obsess and think about it over and over again... i'm just so blah right now and it kinda came out of freaking nowhere... nowhere i was fine yesterday and this morning and like maybe around 4ish i just i dont know fuck... i stopped i slowed down and now i'm freaking again well not freaking when i freak i'm freaking but i'm not right now, now i'm rambling typing as i think not really censoring anything but my spelling... listening to someday i'll be saturday night right at this second and i cant even follow along with it in my head it usually makes me feel somewhat better or at least comforted by the truisms in the lyrics... especially i think the second verse, it just ended now btw but anyway the verse is 'i cant say my name or tell you where i am i want to blow myself away dont know if i can i wish that i could be in some other time and place with someone elses soul someone elses face' such a truism about this snippet of feeling.. and thats what i've been lacking today feeling... i got nothing... i watched patch adams this afternoon, its one of those movies that is usually somewhat cathardic for me... it literally well kinda stopped me from killing myself one day... lived down the street from a theater and something told me to go just watch like one last movie and it was like good for me, didnt go home and do anything... but man i just dont know... dead skin is playing now... i have like these songs on now that usually comfort me in the way they are pretty accurate in describing some feelings... if only i could feel anything right now... i mean even yesterday telling my shrink how annoyed i was at myself i dont know that i even really believed it anymore, i was annoyed friday yes really annoyed pit of my stomach turning over annoyed at myself but saturday i was kinda calm, frustrated maybe but not frustrated angry frustrated like ambivalent... dunno.. i'm so stopping now this is getting long and i just could go on forever i think...

another item to ponder

okay the other thing discussed yesterday is my weight, and in the course of the discussion the conclusion was arrived at that one of the reasons i'm just not motivated to lose any right now is i'm okay with it, frankly i just dont care right now, but the interesting tidbit is that he thinks if i was more insecure about myself i'd lose weight, and frankly being less secure with myself i'm a whole helluva lot more unstable so its weird... i'd like to lose weight but eh, its like its a nice to have but not a real necessity

also that i had this idea that i'd do the weightloss thing again and frankly i did like for a day or two and its frankly easier to let the cafeteria people serve me my usual than for me to correct them to the better choices... which i can concede is i will agree likely a function of the fact that i'm isolated, and unsocial for the most part... but interesting nonetheless

i hate titling

so saw the shrink today, interesting conversation... okay so if you didnt know i tend to be a bit of a perfectionist, and i hadnt thought of something i think i should have but anway... i was telling him this and he asked what perfection meant, like the definition and so i say well doing everything 100%, 100% correctly, 100% of the time... and he counters that you like to improve upon yourself and things, well yes... and if something is perfect it is basically at its pinnacle it cant be improved upon... ok yes that is true.. and furthermore once a moment has passed it was perfect because a moment passed cannot be improved upon there is no way to return to the past to improve upon that moment..yes true, interesting philosophy and frankly hard to argue with that point i might say.. however there is one thing that can be improved upon although it is the future but that hasnt happened yet so i suppose the lesson of perfectionism isnt necessarily dwelling on your lack to improve upon the past but the ability to gain knowledge from your past failures and try to prevent them from happening in the future right? okay that is my nugget for today and its not bitchy yay for you, i mean for not having to read a bitchy post, that is if anyone reads this but whatever.. toodles

so... these titles are creative huh

so, i saw him saturday.. i decided to go to the new office to see him ... i'm still kind of annoyed, he kept wanting to talk about it but i didnt, nope i'm annoyed thats the end of it seriously, i know i know he made sense and all explainign but as i said didnt make me any less annoyed about the situation

at least the appt is saturday, so i can figure out where this is and get some change, on street metered parking, yay i get to spend some more money how fun!

what else went on? i bought these days on itunes cuz i cant find it damnit, i hate buying shit i already own but i kinda needed it, weird, its kinda i dunno its like a musical security blanket comforting thing, which sounds completely crazy if you know the songs on the album... but whatever i am crazy right?

thats another thing i need to deal with i think, my complete lack of wanting to do meds again, i want to avoid it with a passion but i dont know i'm alittle clearer now which is good but somehow it makes me think i shouldnt have blown it off... i dunno, but its such a bitch to start them, i'm like a friggin zombie for nearly a week.. we shall see about that huh

still dunno

well i still have no clue what i'm going to do tomorrow... i was a bit irritable today too about it closer it got to end of the day etc... whatever... i just dont know, tried to call erica but she was out didnt want to ruin her night... called aubs, but she was basically busy, vented a bit but she wasnt listening she's got the kids anyway regardless, why do i do this?

3x

how , ROAR!! wtf? not that anyone is reading or knows what im referring to but damn, my shrink is leaving his practice and going to private practice, which is okay but this is the 3rd one i've had that does this and frankly why is it that literally like the 3 that i've ever been okay with and not felt they were complete idiots decide to leave huh? what is up with that.... so he leaves me a vm today saying i may have gotten a letter he's leaving the group practice, well i hadnt til i got home cuz i didnt grab the mail yesterday, anyway.. so he's got this flagrantly self promotional website and his new office has no parking, lovely, i hate on street metered crapola parking seriously it is crap sucks blah phooey... so goddamn and he's given NO NOTICE, he's leaving the practice uhh MONDAY hello!!! at least i got a few weeks notice from the others, you'd think he'd have done that my god, what grr whatever!

so i'm sitting here deciding, i hate, no i detest switching shrinks, frankly i'd rather stop all together and fuck it at this point, who cares anyway? i mean i dont even know what to do about this, my next and potentially last appt is saturday... i think i'll go with last, wtf... yeah besides he's decided that if i lose weight i'll be perfectly fine, right thats it ... now that i think about it he's just being self promotional garbage crap, i mean he's got a psyco babble weight loss book being published, what .. i'm so annoyed SO ANNOYED... okay so its at least less $$ out of my pocket right? no copay.. right ? im actually now glad yup glad i avoided calling the shrinker for a med appt right no need to now right goddamn that stupid website of his just made me mad.. i dont even know if i want to go saturday... seriously i dont even know... no i think i'm done i'm done

i sound wishy washy... but seriously, okay we'll start living on the denial path that i'm okay all the time fine, awesome no issues, no problems... yep i'm going to go drive around in my head and see if i can find that road again.. i've seen it a few times and traveled it a few times, yep it usually kicks me off but and it did recently but hey why would someone take back a paitent if they KNEW they were leaving in oh 2 months? seriously?! thats just unprofessional i swear!

i'm just going to keep saying the same shit over and over because i'm freaking annoyed.. so i'm ending now

ridiculousness

so, release is nearing and my project is well damn ridiculous this week... i swear developers they get duller the closer it is to a release, yet i still find stuff...

...

so i worked today, very exciting let me tell you... frustrating, something was messed up although i cant pin point what it was...

came home, slept, watched hollywood land, good movie... watched L&O... now i'm wasting away up here on my computer

no plans for tomorrow either, just wasting away again... fairly experienced at this you know.. i'm just tired, overall, tired, no real emotion now, just tired... too bad i didnt get that ticket a few weeks ago i'd have had a reaction, i may have just tried, that could have put me over the edge... alas i was up for almost two weeks now look at me, tired, tired sad, pathetic tired... yep

lazy

so, i didnt go to work today, slept, and slept again, then went to the grocery store and came back... exciting life i lead... probably will go tomorrow even though its going to snow

ty is being annoying at this moment, why cant they just shuddup sometimes sheesh

so...

its early so i feel somewhat obligated to post again .. i think i'm going to work tomorrow and saturday too... yes i'm nuts i know but eh what can i say

also i still dont know... i'd rather all or nothing and my preference is still nothing... not like it was a few weeks ago but still nothing... nothing changes everything stays the same and everything changes and nothing stays the same all at the same time

Embarking again, maybe

So, I was thinking today that maybe my journal/blog whatnot that I used to have had some purpose and maybe it would be good to have one again... so here it is.. not that anyone is going to read it but its my private emotional repository... yup private yet public huh?

if anyone knows the reference to the original emotional repository on the web ages and ages ago well it was at one point a fairly safe place to just let go so hopefully i'll be able to do that again...

thats all for now.. we'll see how this goes... oh and i'm not going to be fancy just a place to house my thoughts