thinking

yes thinking can be bad, but i've been thinking... i'm still alittle confused, one of the last posts i'm still confused as to the root of all this shit... is it really me or is it not but i'm just doing?

got genuine compliments today... and i just still dont know how to accept them, i still dont know... and i'm a good sport so i'm coming in EARLY saturday... plus i like to know that i've done it and it got done right.. i'm a bit of a control freak perfectionist incase anyone was unaware of that...

in the midst of the compliment i was asked which i liked better, the job i'm doing now or a job i've done in the past that i'm equally good at... i like both... although i never worked at the job i've done in the past the way this company does it... i'd like to i think but i also like my job right now its kinda i dont know... which is why i've been thinking... i know i mean i'm aware i'm not the most stable right now ... so maybe i should go saturday to my appt and say give me another referral i'll go and get meds... so i'd be able to do the other if i want, but change like i am now wouldnt necessarily be good... so this is why i am still confused as to if its like organically me or if its weirdly learned environmentalish conditioned stuff... i dunno.. maybe i'll open up and discuss, but if i do will i sound like a crazy whiny person? am i just really a crazy person? i know i have issues its rather obvious actually and i'm not oblivious to it i'd just rather not deal with it and ignore... we shall see