ugh

ok, i'm getting depressed now.. no real reason but wtf? c'mon you know i have this internal debate all the time, am i really crazy or is it like some sort of weird learned thing that if i could just stop i'd be normal.. sorta, you know like maybe because i've been going since i was little that i've just been conditioned to believe it and its really not true... like if i could just put my mind to it it'd all just stop... like in those brief time periods where i'm not high i'm not low i'm just plateau normalish and if i can just keep it going... and for some crazy reason i think if i could just do that and i wonder if it'd be me anymore like this is the person everyone knows i am i'm the crazy mood swingy bipolar chick of the family... maybe its really everyone elses perceptions of me that i'm feeding off of and just giving them what they expect... maybe i can just figure out who i am without all this crap... if only i could just do that i'd be normal right? i'd not have been in and out of therapy for the past freaking 20 years... i'm so not old enough to say that yet thats the case.. i mean god damn... is this all a function of whats gone on... i mean had my mom never drug me to a shrink's office or started family or individual therapy i'd be perfectly normal... if she'd never made me go to alateen meetings ... i mean yeah dad drinks, so doesnt she... i cant put my finger on it... i just need to know and figure it out... i'm okay but i'm not i'm here but i'm not i'm alive but i'm dead... its a weird dichotomy ... everything happens for a reason ... or so the philosophy of yesterday would seem to suggest... or everything happens as its going to happen no changing it... so which is it? am i crazy or am i just acting that way because thats whats expected? can i act normal can i stop myself from thinking can i stop myself from a nearly daily thought of what if i just killed myself, but the degrees of that thought are so vast its hard to explain... because even when i'm feeling okay that thought creeps in... i dont plan for the future, i dont have friends, i dont do these things in part because that thought is always there and i dont want to dissapoint or hurt anyone above and beyond those who've already been though it with me... i mean seriously thats a shitty ass thing to do to people at its core but its not something i can stop doing, maybe i cant live without it... now thats fucked up i tell you fucked up... and my life is so pathetic its crazy... i get up go to work, work come home, watch tv maybe fall asleep, watch tv, come online then go to bed and repeat, weekends are go to the shrink if the appointment is saturday or lounge around the house, sleeping, maybe eating meandering about my four walls, i heard people today it was nice in the back... one of the families the kids having fun i think they were probably having a first nice full day kind of picnic barbeque... and it sucks man, it sucks alot i dont have that and i cant and i dont know if i could deal with that again, i mean people are sucky... its hard to have friends i dont want to hurt them i dont want to i have this super tendancy to argue with them hurt them get upset and just cant sustain... especially if i see them within my i'll say region.. i thin the only reason i'm still friends with aubrey is because she's in san diego... i dont even know that we'd have lasted any longer as roomates than the year we lasted... i'm so bitching now arent i ... ugh, i thought if i did this again it'd give me some kind of perspective and some kind of dumping ground for my shit so i didnt necessarily have to carry it about and obsess and think about it over and over again... i'm just so blah right now and it kinda came out of freaking nowhere... nowhere i was fine yesterday and this morning and like maybe around 4ish i just i dont know fuck... i stopped i slowed down and now i'm freaking again well not freaking when i freak i'm freaking but i'm not right now, now i'm rambling typing as i think not really censoring anything but my spelling... listening to someday i'll be saturday night right at this second and i cant even follow along with it in my head it usually makes me feel somewhat better or at least comforted by the truisms in the lyrics... especially i think the second verse, it just ended now btw but anyway the verse is 'i cant say my name or tell you where i am i want to blow myself away dont know if i can i wish that i could be in some other time and place with someone elses soul someone elses face' such a truism about this snippet of feeling.. and thats what i've been lacking today feeling... i got nothing... i watched patch adams this afternoon, its one of those movies that is usually somewhat cathardic for me... it literally well kinda stopped me from killing myself one day... lived down the street from a theater and something told me to go just watch like one last movie and it was like good for me, didnt go home and do anything... but man i just dont know... dead skin is playing now... i have like these songs on now that usually comfort me in the way they are pretty accurate in describing some feelings... if only i could feel anything right now... i mean even yesterday telling my shrink how annoyed i was at myself i dont know that i even really believed it anymore, i was annoyed friday yes really annoyed pit of my stomach turning over annoyed at myself but saturday i was kinda calm, frustrated maybe but not frustrated angry frustrated like ambivalent... dunno.. i'm so stopping now this is getting long and i just could go on forever i think...