long weekend ahead

long weekend ahead.. a whole 4 days alone with my brain

sleep

dude my sleep is so jacked up, literally slept all day saturday and couldnt fall asleep til like 3am this morning, only took my usual 2hr nap yesterday too

thoughts

i've been having trouble falling asleep lately... i just keep thinking... and i was alittle upset last week when i went to see dr frye for meds and there was no letter about getting a new shrink or what had happened from my old shrink... and i watched in treatment the other night and some other weird eating show on A&E or something and i was jealous of how articulate people are or can be with their shrinks, i cant at least i havnt been able to be articulate and honest for a long time ... and i just watched both the lovely bones & my sister's keeper tonight and everyone has a story everyone has a life, we're all different so i think somehow that should allow me to move on and just i dont know not be so stuck all the time, stuck in the past, drowning in the present that i dont see my own future... and really at times i'm not sure one really exists for me... and i had a friend and i was sad that i didnt get invited to a halloween party... and its all the same, same patterns, same everything and i still barely feel anything but sadness or nothingness... happiness is so elusive and when i catch it its soo brief that it doesnt leave any impression...

sleep dream learn

you can live an entire lifetime in your sleep.... too bad it ends every night, and the lessons you learn, they are either lost, haunt you or they reappear later triggered by whatever... ever remember a dream? thats the lesson returning

saturday dreamin..

so saturday night i had a dream about an ex, specifically the one that got away... and i think, i can picture the moment i knew i liked him and didnt want him to move away (he was at the onset up front with his plans to move away)... sitting on my couch in his superman tshirt grumbling because he had a bad day looking so pathetic, that was the moment.. and after that night we chatted online and i panicked because i didnt want him to go, so i wrote this pathetic long email about how i really liked him and wanted to date and i basically stopped talking to him afraid of his reply, he moved anyway and got married a few years ago.. but i still think about him, i've never been more comfortable with anyone in my entire life... oh well..

i'm still wide awake

ok cant sleep, watching tony danza teach.. and you know i was and still am jealous of people who have to work to learn and do so.. like it just is for me for the most part i dont have to work at it i dont have to think about it really it just kind of happens... and frankly i never cared or for that matter i dont care about my own aptitude... ahhh i have no idea what i'm saying but i do its weird... my articulation of my thoughts is like the worst... almost worse when i take my meds because i censor myself more than if i'm not... which is good and not... its weird... ok well i think thats all for now, hopefully i'll get sleepy soon, sleep is not something i usually have an issue with

solitare..

so still playing solitare, new addiction i suppose you could say.. watching a criminal minds rerun about suicides instigated by an online deviant... and its like my brain it... no its not its like i dont know i jump .. and i think oh well its like i still think it'd been better somehow if i could have fallen down that hole and not cared and done something, and i think how my shrink wouldnt have gotten that hence why i dont say anything and i've tried to explain before and i dont think it was articulated properly to make someone understand.. anyway i want to clean the house, i NEED to clean the house but i just i dont know, i'm just a lazy ass.. ugh.. and trinity she's so adorable and sweet and i know i'm not fufilling her the right way she's still little, almost 2, and she should have a yard to run around in and stuff, i dont have that.. and i need to fix up the house and sell it and maybe i could do that but i just think i'm going to be stuck here and i'll just never do that.. i dont know... grr

sick

i hate hate hate being sick btw... cough seems to be settling in.. at least the sinus pain and pressure is gone!

i now have an unnatural addiction

to solitare... i cant deal without it now, i have to be doing it all the time, its crazy... also i'm not particularly tired tonight but that has nothing to do with the solitare addiction.. i've played 4096 games since i had my little break down in july and i cant stop...

labor day

so its the end of a long weekend, slept most of saturday and sunday but watched all but one movie i got... i really dont know what it is that people are so dismissive and forgetful of my existence...

that darn.. dog?

so trinity had fun yesterday eating my meds, ate what i had of buspirone, which thankfully wasnt a full bottle, the full bottle is at work and the 8 or so that i took home was all she ate and my lexapro was strewn about in the knocked over trash, a few tabs were crushes presumably from biting them but apparently they arent tasty because they were just primarily all over the place, one tab was saved and that i took last night, now its up to the pharmacy to see if i can get a refill...

B-O-R-E-D

OMG!! I am SOOOOO bored today... need some mental stimuli or something soo boring

and again

and once again i feel worse after having gone to therapy... really this shouldnt happen... i cant explain it well i was asked to and gave some half bullshit answer, but really there is no conversation really its me talk and you analyse why cant i be engaged in a conversation, its easier to talk that way... and i've realized lately that it still would do no good and has done no good really... i mean sure i feel better but i dont feel better, i dont know... like my scars and my picking only two people in my life have ever said anything directly to me about it and i respect that, neither of whom have ever been any shrink i've ever seen, my old PCP from MA and Will... two people, either they're ballsy and everyone else is just chicken or my shrinks havnt been too observant... and another thing.. i went back to my shrink as a measure of last resort because i was spiraling i couldnt concentrate or sleep and i couldnt go through the new paitent bullshit with someone new, as i'd tried to do... which i respect the guy i saw because he gleaned some things from a very superficial conversation however i wasnt going to go back it wasnt going to work as i was still out of control, or losing control... i want someone to get it or i dont know if i want to be here... really what i said a few weeks ago about how i was sad that i wasnt ever really truly let it all go suicidal is true, that would have made things so much easier... i could have made a decision instead of being hopelessly indecisive... and really if i could just not have therapy and just forget the whole incident i think it would be better, now just to shoo it away again because it had been shooed mostly until i agreed to this appt today... really why do i do this?

end of therapy?

so i ended therapy today, well with my current shrink at least, i just dont think i need to go twice a week, its i dont know i think like once a month would suffice and what is wrong with disagreeing anyway, and if i dont answer i dont want to be called, and i did intend on replying but when my own time limit came i still had no idea what to say... so onto the next most likely i dont know.. whatever right?

its hot

my livingroom has the suckiest air circulation ever

question

is it really that horrible of me to want my friends to think of me and call me once in a while and not it always be me calling them?

normal again

oh i feel normal again today, amazing

lazy day

today was a relatively good day

dude

i slept til 2:30 and i got that monthly visitor in spades fabulous, and i'm tired and i have a slight headache, oh and i fell down the stairs but no sprains

need a title

i feel shitty this morning, i just dont know, like anything... i come in and first email i have feels like its attacking me... and yeah i've been neglecting it but i cant get a straight answer out of anyone and apparently people cant have a meeting w/o me ... and this whole content mess.. i just i dont know what is up... and my shrink, intellectually it all makes sense but i'm emotionally wrecked and its not helping, infact i feel worse for having gone the last two sessions... i really loathe having to find a new shrink, which is why i broke down and called instead of going to WPIC last week... last week it feels alittle longer ago than that, but thats all it was.. i mean i'm no longer unravelling like i was but its just a slower pace i think, i'm not really sure about that even.. .blech

catch 22

you know its a complete catch 22 in regard to having a life outside work... frankly i've never had a social life, i always feel intrusive ... and even if i wanted to try its like i dunno, they wouldnt want me around after a while anyway because i'm no fun..

workaholic

christine... your a workaholic... thats basically it... nothing more than that... either work more to create a better escape or find something to do a social life or something outside of work

damn thats it, voila, its so simple.. i'll just do that, thanks... i dont think i'm keeping my appointment next weekend because obviously its so simple..

what an idiot

seriously, i'm just not thinking and why should i really have to make anyone elses life easier? really? plus i really wish i could be committal to something, i dont like therapy never really have and after tuesday's session i really dont want to continue.. and i dont like this middle of nowhereness i am mentally, like i'd rather be like really suicidal... as in having made peace given up and set forth with a plan... instead of this wishy washy crap

reality

how do we know something is real... we cant rely on our sight, people can have visual hallucinations and our eyes can play tricks on us... there is a whole slew of visual oddities and magic based on these priciples... can we rely on our hearing, no .. that again can be tricked .. smell... nope trickery afoot there too... touch, maybe but then what about us is real aside from our bodies, are our minds and our thoughts then ever truly real, do we know the difference and if so how can we tell?

blech

ok well my sleepiness drowsiness fatigue from starting my meds has or is or was initated to be wearing off and i'm feeling crappy again... WTF?

really

shouldnt you feel better after a shrink appt not worse?

observationally deficent...

so my post appointment post... so i'm observationally deficent in a worldly interpersonal sense... which i have to admit makes sense but it also was described as self centeredness.. i dunno so what does this all mean? frankly i was too tired today to argue... but i dont know i think i'm passable.. and he said he doesnt know what help conversations are going to be and frankly then neither do i... why should i go? i mean if its a deeply ingrained personality flaw of mine why even take meds? no seriously if thats the case why not just let it be survival of the fittest, frankly i dont know why i called anyway i should have just done something gotten myself commited or something seriously... and i have ZERO paitence to start out with a new shrink... or is this all my self centered ness going on here huh? i dont know whats up.

one constant

if there is one thing that always happens when i start meds, its that they make me TIRED... i slept all night.... 10 hours.... that is the most sleep ive gotten in a shot in like over a month

sleep

just woke up napped fom 9-1:30

post appointment

so, i need to adjust my perspective... which seems so easy and logical when you make analogies but its sooo hard in practice... ok so again its OK to kill time... in my job i'm selling my time for a fixed rate, i dont necessariliy have to work for that money, its up to my employer to utilize the time i've sold them.. i get paid regardless of the effort or lack of effort i would put in as long as i'm there...

so i'm going to try to write down post appointment now and see if that can help any it wont hurt right?

and i know i see, and apparently intelligence is processing wisdom is perspective within that processing, of which i dont have

placebo

i'm feeling like what i'm going to call placebo calm today... got meds, have a plan plus NOBODY peeped today to want something from me or ask me something etc ... which i have reason to believe is a conspiracy however i'm ok with it... people came to my desk, and out of there way it seemed to me to ask if i was ok... apparently they were concerned so while i was out they were told that i wasnt but will be and without going into further details may need some time off... and while i appreciate that i hate it too... but back to my calm day without being bothered i hope i can sleep tonight!

tired..

dude i'm tired, although not as tired, i think i got more than 3 hours sleep last night, initially fell asleep maybe midnight-ish and woke up a few times but at least it was more than 3 hours

a plan

its nice to have a plan... saw my old original shrink today, i just barely kept it in check without going into hysterics... but there is a plan, back on meds, appts 3x per week for now, and i'm to call should i be close to doing anything suicidal... i'm not supposed to care about the team at work just me... which i know is so not my strong suit, but i really dont have an alternative at the moment, the current state i'm in is not condusive to anything...at least i'm not being committed so no stress about that because that too was stressing me out, that possiblity, i'm not totally in denial about how bad i've been i know.. here's to hoping

why

why do you have to be like a raving fucking lunatic to get any help around here?

100th post...

so i sucked it up, i'm calm yet i know its fleeting... i know others are right that i should call and do something now than later and let it all cycle out again until i break down again like i did last night until such a time comes when i'll do something potentially regretable.. first i cant just abandon the animals, i just cant, i cant let someone pay for a kennel or whatnot i just cant.. and i dont know that i can handle a 30% cut in pay to go on short term... and i really dont want to go back to the shrink i saw last week... i'm not hysterical and i'm not freaking out so its kinda, it feels like i wont need anything although history tells another story...

best idea all day

Calling aubrey, thanks for calming me down

coping skills are soo minimal at this point..

so i call graham and ask if they'll watch the dog, and no they cant... so what happens john calls erica and gets her all in a tizzy who in turn calls me and riles me up again and i just dont know how much more i can take of all this... i hate i HATE worrying her... its so unfair she shouldnt.. and i cant, so i try to calm down but i cant i'm still a mess.. i call erica w and she answers so now she's worried all i want is for someone to watch my dog so i can take care of this on my own by myself so nobody else has to be involved... just let me go try to patch myself together and i'll be back i promise... or better yet had people not involved people in the first place i could have just sucked it up and dealt with it tomorrow... i really could have but now, now i dont know... i swear i need a break, i need it over i need it gone, i'm not fucking 15 anymore doesnt anyone understand that?

more than numb

i sit here and i'm kind of blah, and its almost like everyone is just chipping at me and bitching and i just want to scream at them to shuttup and be intelligent for a minute .... and i cant shake the suicidal thoughts running through my head, and i cant figure out what to do, do i call one of the clinics or not... and im not as opressively depressed as i was but i'm still not functioning normally and honestly i dont think a weekly appointment is going to do much good... and it makes me even more depressed that i've been so neglectful of the animals... and it feels almost fake when i smile... if i smile... and i dont want to burden anyone or worry anyone, but i like i want to throw my arms up and surrender, but i dont know what i'm surrendering to... does that make sense?

animals...

i really need to find the animals new homes, i just cant continue to neglect them... they all deserve better

Crossfade - The Deep End...

Holding on is harder than it seems
when you're reaching for so much more
seems so much easier to just give in
when you're reaching for so much more

Another wasted Saturday so here I stay
where nothing seems to ever change, anyway, hey
all this hype about life being great
where's the love for me these days
I'm goin off the deep end

phooey

apparently i can only keep it together for so long before it fades.... and what is up with everyone thinking im in a bad mood i'm not and i'm not as depressed as i had been but damn c'mon and i just i dont know

arrgh

ok so why is it that everyone finds it necessary to ask the same question OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER and they expect me to answer differently if they just keep asking because the first 3 times i respond the same way werent sufficent?

new shrink, dont like him dont hate him, i'll give him a try but damn man i really could care less whether i was alive or dead at the moment, really

Queso!

Free Queso from Moe's today, yay.... i'm way normal today, thank god and finally... however i've been told i must still keep my appointment tomorrow boo...

so..

so.. i had a 1-1 with my manager which was good i got most everything about a certain person who is a supreme slacker off my chest, and i feel better about that... actually i feel better than i have in weeks today which makes the fact i have an appt with a new shrink thursday all the more annoying, i really want to cancel but i know i shouldnt, but it is tempting... all i want is to just be like normal, no shrinks, no meds, i mean is that too much to ask?

sleep?

why is it so difficult to shut off my brain and sleep? didnt fall asleep til after 3am, and i'm tired

calm

this is the calmest i've been in WEEKS, who knew setting in motion getting an appointment would be so calming

EAP

so, i called EAP, the girl was nice enough, she's going to get me an appointment w/in 48 hours

nerves

i'm a bit nervous about work today...

hot

its really fucking hot, i've got 3 fans going and i'm still sweating

midnight thoughts

i need to find someone to help me... i dont want to call my old shrink, i thought about it went to his website to get the number but realized again that i believe he is more interested in his books... so now what... i doubt SERIOUSLY doubt that i could get an appointment like tomorrow or even monday with anyone that i havnt seen before, at least not without being committed... and even that doesnt seem like such a terrible option at the moment, however there are logistical problems with that... also i feel terrible for having involved someone in all this crap, i try really hard to not get other people involved who havnt dealt with it before so basically i limit exposure to aubrey and my sister... and even that i do sparingly... now i've involved someone else... nobody deserves to be burdened by me... i had a weird dream this afternoon, it was a reply of my thursday meeting, except we were talking about biology in reference to user types and the math of science but mr cardarelli was there (my HS math teacher) and he was arguing with christian about calculus, which was odd... anyway i dont know what i'm going to end up doing... i feel like i need to make a decision and choose a path soon or i'm just going to end up dead... i also have no idea what the consequences of anything are going to be relating to work... i'm seriously unravelling, and i think maybe if work werent so screwed up to begin with i could just get over this and get back... i also keep thinking that i should be able to think myself out of this, and gram was right and there is nothing wrong with me and i keep wanting to smile for no reason like when all my shrinks alerted me to that when i'm really depressed i inappropriately smile... i think its some fucked up nervous tick or something... but i really want to just get it to stop and i think to myself maybe if i just start taking my meds again but i dont know; i mean i was crashing and getting depressed and i was on them and thats basically why i stopped it was like fuck it its not preventing anything why keep doing it? its weird i'm like detached from myself and really trying to think this through and its i dont know i dont or wont or cant believe any of my conclusions... like i could go back on meds and you know continue.. or not and who knows... and arent meds just like band-aiding some problem thats there or something... and is there really even a problem like i *should* be able to just stop and return to normal and i cant seem to will myself into doing that... and the house is a total disaster.. and what do i do with the dog and the cats if my option is to commit myself... and i dont know that i could have john/graham watch the dog w/o them inevitably telling erica or my mom about whats going on and having them involved i dont think is going to help anything... staying home from work today was good for my stress level, supremely good for my stress level, but i'm still in a funk... however after a week of numby funkiness i'm not totally sure that offing myself is the answer, i feel like just giving it up and just being truthful with how i feel with someone but that is such a hard thing to do, to not censor myself... frankly its terrifying... what if i dont know what if they think i'm just making it all up ... like what if its just work and there really isnt anything underlying and i'm just a loser.. and a crybaby and a whiner... and i dont know i just i'm so confused and everything and i sit here and i'm within my own head and i cant get out and i cant leave and i cant let anyone else in either... mostly for their own protection... and what about work? i need work.. i like work but its so screwed up... and its like i want help but i wont ask and even if i did i dont think i'd get it and besides i should be able to handle it... i pride myself on being able to handle it... and i'm falling apart and i have no idea what to do and involving my coworker in my insanity i have no idea how thats going to play out, he says its all good but i cant help but think its not and he'd rather not have been burdened by it all... i know everyone else save like two have turned and run away and havnt looked back because of it... to quote someone i cant remember who but "christine your just too stressful a friend to have"... and i am... and as much as friends are nice i just cant have them and put them through my shit.. i dont know if any of this makes sense i'm just typing as i think and leno is on low volume... i want the past few months to be erased and to start over i think, or at least like the past few weeks and get me fixed up and put back together and get on with it.. i need to get on with it and not think about it anymore and like get it gone... why is that so difficult?

useless

valerie @ re:solve you are USELESS.. utterly useless

i called because i was looking for some direction, some help, not just hey why dont you call or go to highmark's website and look... well DUH i work there i know what my options are there... i called YOU, you must be an idot

breathe...

no work today, called off... much more relaxed, actually i was considerably more relaxed last night when i made the call... slept woke up like a half hour ago...

sanity.. waning

OMG !!! seriously why am i trying to interact, come back to a more normal state? i swear to god... i was good this morning calm, not crazy, ok, not insane.. now i want to i dont know, break someone's fingers or something!


OK SO its been a whole hour now since i posted the above and fuck if i'm not really ready to just up and quit or jump out a freaking window... seriously if you dont want my attitude try coming into work and doing some at some point and maybe you wont get an additude and maybe ask me and not have everyone else and their brother ask me as well and maybe you wont get an additude, oh and maybe i dont know DO SHIT at least ocassionally... seriously!

numb

emotional numbness, it creates no it i dont know its nothingness really, those songs that will normally be cathartic and let me cry, nothing... not really comfortably numb just numb... dont care, but have really no energy to do a damn thing about it...

saturday

you know... being too lazy and not caring prevents me from actually doing anything, its like blah blah blah

......

interesting that this isnt blocked by the work filter... tuning everyone out today is good and it also got my ipod dropped in the toilet to die most likely... question, the very prevalent question is whether i want to join it or gather what i have left and go another round... after the ipod incident i even bought some razors and some sleep aids... razors are never as tactile as my nails but those have been broken several times and they are just too slow at this point... actually the lack of iron making my fingertips cold is better, it can get to that certain persistant cold heading into slight pain which is nice to have today... do we all think that if i left the dog with john he'd just take care of her and not ask or freak or whatnot... not sure... depends on what method ... see this is where i go... hmmm what to do with the animals, if i can find them homes, how long before someone questions, how long... what method.. these are the questions i keep asking...

Summer...

Summer is here and i had thought i'd be having fun with Trinity and she'd get me out and motivate me but that hasnt happened, i'm so depressed, i started getting depressed and fuck my meds didnt help so i've stopped and nothing has changed better or worse, what is wrong... i want to just up and quit and just stop... nobody cares, i spend my weekends locked up in my house mostly sleeping the day away... nobody calls, nobody cares, i swear i could die tomorrow and it'd be a week before anyone realized i was missing...

WTF?

I've been sitting here for a better part of the last hour just crying... listening to music, cathartic... like when i used to get depressed in college lock myself in my room and just listen and cry try to drive out whatever it is... you know shit like that is ok when your 15 but damnit i'm not 15 anymore i want to give it back, take it away... i want it to be that its all in my head and if i could just get it together enough i'd be fine... and i wish meds would make it all go away just not lessen the blow because i can tell... i can tell when i'm depressed and when i'm getting depressed but i cant stop the train from rolling in... i just need it to stop i need it to not happen...