and again

and once again i feel worse after having gone to therapy... really this shouldnt happen... i cant explain it well i was asked to and gave some half bullshit answer, but really there is no conversation really its me talk and you analyse why cant i be engaged in a conversation, its easier to talk that way... and i've realized lately that it still would do no good and has done no good really... i mean sure i feel better but i dont feel better, i dont know... like my scars and my picking only two people in my life have ever said anything directly to me about it and i respect that, neither of whom have ever been any shrink i've ever seen, my old PCP from MA and Will... two people, either they're ballsy and everyone else is just chicken or my shrinks havnt been too observant... and another thing.. i went back to my shrink as a measure of last resort because i was spiraling i couldnt concentrate or sleep and i couldnt go through the new paitent bullshit with someone new, as i'd tried to do... which i respect the guy i saw because he gleaned some things from a very superficial conversation however i wasnt going to go back it wasnt going to work as i was still out of control, or losing control... i want someone to get it or i dont know if i want to be here... really what i said a few weeks ago about how i was sad that i wasnt ever really truly let it all go suicidal is true, that would have made things so much easier... i could have made a decision instead of being hopelessly indecisive... and really if i could just not have therapy and just forget the whole incident i think it would be better, now just to shoo it away again because it had been shooed mostly until i agreed to this appt today... really why do i do this?