midnight thoughts

i need to find someone to help me... i dont want to call my old shrink, i thought about it went to his website to get the number but realized again that i believe he is more interested in his books... so now what... i doubt SERIOUSLY doubt that i could get an appointment like tomorrow or even monday with anyone that i havnt seen before, at least not without being committed... and even that doesnt seem like such a terrible option at the moment, however there are logistical problems with that... also i feel terrible for having involved someone in all this crap, i try really hard to not get other people involved who havnt dealt with it before so basically i limit exposure to aubrey and my sister... and even that i do sparingly... now i've involved someone else... nobody deserves to be burdened by me... i had a weird dream this afternoon, it was a reply of my thursday meeting, except we were talking about biology in reference to user types and the math of science but mr cardarelli was there (my HS math teacher) and he was arguing with christian about calculus, which was odd... anyway i dont know what i'm going to end up doing... i feel like i need to make a decision and choose a path soon or i'm just going to end up dead... i also have no idea what the consequences of anything are going to be relating to work... i'm seriously unravelling, and i think maybe if work werent so screwed up to begin with i could just get over this and get back... i also keep thinking that i should be able to think myself out of this, and gram was right and there is nothing wrong with me and i keep wanting to smile for no reason like when all my shrinks alerted me to that when i'm really depressed i inappropriately smile... i think its some fucked up nervous tick or something... but i really want to just get it to stop and i think to myself maybe if i just start taking my meds again but i dont know; i mean i was crashing and getting depressed and i was on them and thats basically why i stopped it was like fuck it its not preventing anything why keep doing it? its weird i'm like detached from myself and really trying to think this through and its i dont know i dont or wont or cant believe any of my conclusions... like i could go back on meds and you know continue.. or not and who knows... and arent meds just like band-aiding some problem thats there or something... and is there really even a problem like i *should* be able to just stop and return to normal and i cant seem to will myself into doing that... and the house is a total disaster.. and what do i do with the dog and the cats if my option is to commit myself... and i dont know that i could have john/graham watch the dog w/o them inevitably telling erica or my mom about whats going on and having them involved i dont think is going to help anything... staying home from work today was good for my stress level, supremely good for my stress level, but i'm still in a funk... however after a week of numby funkiness i'm not totally sure that offing myself is the answer, i feel like just giving it up and just being truthful with how i feel with someone but that is such a hard thing to do, to not censor myself... frankly its terrifying... what if i dont know what if they think i'm just making it all up ... like what if its just work and there really isnt anything underlying and i'm just a loser.. and a crybaby and a whiner... and i dont know i just i'm so confused and everything and i sit here and i'm within my own head and i cant get out and i cant leave and i cant let anyone else in either... mostly for their own protection... and what about work? i need work.. i like work but its so screwed up... and its like i want help but i wont ask and even if i did i dont think i'd get it and besides i should be able to handle it... i pride myself on being able to handle it... and i'm falling apart and i have no idea what to do and involving my coworker in my insanity i have no idea how thats going to play out, he says its all good but i cant help but think its not and he'd rather not have been burdened by it all... i know everyone else save like two have turned and run away and havnt looked back because of it... to quote someone i cant remember who but "christine your just too stressful a friend to have"... and i am... and as much as friends are nice i just cant have them and put them through my shit.. i dont know if any of this makes sense i'm just typing as i think and leno is on low volume... i want the past few months to be erased and to start over i think, or at least like the past few weeks and get me fixed up and put back together and get on with it.. i need to get on with it and not think about it anymore and like get it gone... why is that so difficult?