more than numb

i sit here and i'm kind of blah, and its almost like everyone is just chipping at me and bitching and i just want to scream at them to shuttup and be intelligent for a minute .... and i cant shake the suicidal thoughts running through my head, and i cant figure out what to do, do i call one of the clinics or not... and im not as opressively depressed as i was but i'm still not functioning normally and honestly i dont think a weekly appointment is going to do much good... and it makes me even more depressed that i've been so neglectful of the animals... and it feels almost fake when i smile... if i smile... and i dont want to burden anyone or worry anyone, but i like i want to throw my arms up and surrender, but i dont know what i'm surrendering to... does that make sense?