Extended time to think

Thats really what vacation is, generally and maybe more so at the moment. Thus the onslaught of posts.

Anyway, I was thinking, several things actually. First off I was thinking about how when i was younger hs/college when I'd be really depressed and want to favor where you could live but not have to deal with the existing part. Well I'm kind of existing without living, yet if I got rid of the existing to live I'm not sure I'd know how to.. does that make sense?

Also Erica's having a girl, which is cool. I'm not sure what else to say, I'm not going to move to Austin. Mom asked and no, its not me... I really do prefer the Northeast and Pittsburgh is on the outer edge of that geographical area as it is.

I'm going to go the next 4 days likely without speaking with another human face to face who I know. Kim is out road tripping with the family in NYC for NYE. And I was thinking about how I mentioned in that letter about her, she's the friend who is there regardless. And she's tried to include me, like she's invited me to family cruises, but the thing is its her family cruise. I wouldnt know what to do, and since its her family she deserves time with them because I'd either stay in my room or want her time because I wouldnt know anyone. So not really a fair outcome either way.

I'm thinking of checking work email, but I dont want to, yet i do since it would give me something to do for the next 4 days....

Also I was thinking about my position on Christmas and Birthdays, for me. And its like cheating becuase its like shopping with other people's money but in a weird way. Like thats something thats 100% ok when you're young, but its just weird now. Like I'd prefer a gift that was thoughtful and cool from someone that was unexpected and totally me. Never gonna happen, I'm not sure people know me well enough to do something like that. Honestly the only time that approached that was the suprise birthday cake I got at work like 7 or 8 years ago, I did get a little misty but dont tell anyone. That was awesome, unexpected and really nice of everyone on the team..

I think thats all the thoughts that were floating right now... more later probably

A thought

I'm less lonely home alone than away at home because 1, it's familiar and 2 the animals provide good company.... neither of which are here at moms. The flight that was supposed to land at 4:30is is now landing at 7.... I should taken a nap...

Vacations ending...

Today is my last day of vacation in Texas, tomorrow is a travel day. I'm spending it alone, which usually is fine but on the drive here, to mom's, it seems weird. It's me, but I don't know. Maybe it's the look I know I got from Erica Watchung Arrow yesterday when Thea was telling Oliver he needed to let someone in, I dunno. That show is messing with me, not necessarily a bad thing, it's also weird. Maybe it's the being up thing I don't know. What came first the show or my mood, either way I think they're influencing me.... here's the thing I don't know what to do about it. People kind of terrify me on a personal level. Like I can muddle through in contrived situations, like a party or whatnot. I may be uncomfortable, but sometimes I enjoy it. It never goes further, I don't trust people, it's safer for all involved that way. There it is its safer, that's the trick. Safer isn't always better but it leaves a lot less destruction in its wake. Nobody has expectations, nobody gets hurt, nobody gets their heart broken when I enevitably lose it again. Is always an option for me, the degree of seriousness varies but it's always there. Exposing people to a nuclear core will kill them even if there is no detonation. Radiation leaks anyway, and that slow death is worse isn't it? And here I was having a relatively good day... still am, but thinking is really all there is to do when I'm alone.

Time

Ok, so last night I posted to Facebook that all the clocks here were different times,and not related justrandom. Anyway, one of them fixed it, they're all the same right time now & nobody said anything to me lol. Waiting on Erica so we can go to lunch hnow, just found it amusing :)

Christmas

So I had a good day, but I really would almost rather people not get me gifts, unless it's something I explicitly want sadly most get me wrong. And I don't know why but it feels like cheating if I get those things since they are more often than not stuff I'd otherwise buy anyway. That's terrible isn't it? Pretty sure I've said this before.... but everyone liked what I got them so success there :)

Ringing

So we're aty brother in laws grandparents, I'm hiding in the car from fireworks I don't need to lose any more hearing. My ears are ringing and I'm ready to leave....


I'm still in the car hours later, I did take a nap but now I'm really ready to go and I'm tired still. The people seem to have lost a dog they're walking around with flashlights and whistling.... this is the time that the return home was planned to be....

Eve

So it's Christmas Eve and I've been up since 3am. Apparently I'm only allowed 5 hrs sleep lately, unless of course I'm running on 3 hours then and only then can I get a normal hours sleep. Ok fine, but I'm also in the same vacation purgatory as I was at thanksgiving with nothing to do. Why when I know this is what happens do I bother? Vacation, no the idea of vacation is always superior to the reality. At least I'm not in a depressive swing right? Still not awesome but way more tolerable than it would otherwise be. And I'm here for another 5 days.... going up to Erica's in a bit was going to leave now but nibid I'd home since she's working and apparently daniel is out with Keaton. So I've been watching Netflix. The 7 eps of season 5 Mr amell was in and that was entertaining but really aj Langers storyline was more interesting, but it was nice nonetheless. So I have about a half hot to kill before I leave.. bored. Don't want to pick the book up again til later or I'll finish it and I'd like to read it when I have less to do. But erica has books at her house rid think. .. so this phone typing doesn't go quite as fast as the computer so I dunno what spell check may have done where I wasn't paying attention. Should be an interesting read later. Since I never really edit I type and publish. I also types and sent that letter now I wonder how crazy it may have sounded. When do I reread that? Hmm Ok signing off now

Exhausted

So I got up at 4 am EST today, and it's 10pm CT, so up for 18hrs with 3 hrs sleep and I'm failing to achieve sleep.... but I'm soooo tired..... Dunno if it's the quiet, at home Alexa plays me white noise & I can't get the fan to stay on in my exhausted state... grumble...

Dinner

Dinner with friends again tonight, it was nice.... I do think however my up is coming down, though slowly since i was up before the alarm again this morning... i gotta do laundry and pack and you'd think after all the travelling this year i'd be better at it, and i was while it was constant but like right now its not and its like i've had too big a break and i'm no longer organized on it...

8 hours

it was kind of nice today to use the holiday townhall as an excuse to decline all my afternoon meetings and leave on time, meaning i worked a regular day today... even the laptop is at my desk...

Day 5

Day 5 and my mood is still good, so weird... Aubrey claims I"m manic but i'm not i'm not its a nice okayness... wonder how long it'll last.... also zero people have diagnosed me as bipolar in the last 10 years so i think i'm good... ha!

nervous....

I just have to say, I wrote Amell a letter, printed it, put it in a card and addressed it... now i'm super nervous about sending it.... i gotta just do it right?

Is it winter?

Its in the 60s still and it was in the 70s earlier. Its a nice change... but I dont know i dont feel relaxed, not that thats unusual. But I'd been doing well at not thinking about work on the weekends despite working late nights ... today though its like if I stop doing whatever for a minute to myself all I can think of is how much work i still have to do next week and then i'm on vacation and its bothering me.. its annoying...

Feeling chatty? i know right?

So I kind of feel a bit chatty at the moment, not sure if thats because i got quite literally 4 hours of sleep last night or what but anyway. I actually brought up some of what i posted about the past few days at group, just me and one other person and it was a good group. I like the small ones, and this one was less peeling layers it was more social. Not social but neither of us out of the entire group are social so it was nice. Anyway still doing what i've been doing and i happened upon youtube videos of the Heroes & Villans Fan Fest from San Jose; and based on viewing the Amell Cousins panel with cornhole, Stephen's solo arrow panel and Barrowman's panel it strikes me as less intimidating than say a con.... I could be totally fooling myself and this because i'm in a weirdish mood but I had a real actual thought of going down to Jersey next month for the one at the Meadowlands. I would totally prefer it be here, or even one of the 3 other cities I visit. I dont know why its resonating with me, but it is. Its so incredibly rare. SO rare.. and I want to tell them that but not be creepy but also not come off as insincere either. I have or I perceive my delivery of anything as less sincere than I really am always, perhaps because I cant tell the difference. I dont know... its a strange yet good feeling. Maybe you all have this but is maybe a novelty. Here's the thing too, because of this, it kind of terrifies me that I'd embarrass myself and be some weird emotional (i can hardly believe i'm saying this) fan/wreck because well its so so unusual, i've said this right? If any of you are people who knew me you'd understand. What has Arrow, Stephen Amell & John Barrowman done to me? Regardless, I enjoy the show and my nightly you tube video entertainment. They genuinely care and look like they have quite the good time. Its refreshing and i'm looking for a word and I cant find it, but I admire their personal generosity with their fans. I'm going to try to go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight not after 3am so I'm going to head there... I just thought I'd write it all down whats going through my head see if i could work it out any; and frankly its unusual for me this type of post. Honestly I'm usually super bitchy or depressed arent I?

more thoughts...

As I said the other day I've been watching Arrow and its themes are really an excellent analogy (in my opinion) to more or less the way I live, or not live as the case may be, my life. I've spent all morning watching Stephen's videos because well I think he's a pretty awesome person for being so engaging and clearly selfless when it comes to his fans and its exceedingly clear how much he enjoys his work. I've enjoyed spending the better part of my weekend with him, or my whole weekend, reference not live above or just read anything posted on here you'll get the gist. Anyway I just came in from a brief walk with Trinity, walking through the house by all the crap thats not fixed or cleaned or basically everything thats gone to shit around me and I briefly asked myself why I dont just ask someone to help. And during my brief walk I think I came up with a fairly simple answer to a very complex question, that question being me... anyway its because I want people to care and I want them around but I dont want them to know and because I feel, based on my entire 36 years of life experience, that they wouldnt be able to not judge and wouldn't stick around to help or would just turn around and make it worse. I have the large cat trying to sit on my clavicle right now, its his favorite spot, hurts though he's 20lbs! Love the purring in my ear though.. anyway.. i dont trust people, actually more accurately i trust no one, i dont trust my family, i dont trust my friends, i dont trust strangers... what trust i do extend to people isnt full trust, there is nobody that i really implicitly trust; and i wonder if those people exist for other people... do people implicitly trust other people, friends/family? Its sad really... then again thats who i am... also the cats getting heavy in this position, he's laid down across my shoulder and upper arm as i type... its an interesting position... plus i'm twisted slightly towards the screen and its starting to become uncomfortable... i'll babble on again i'm sure i'm in one of those moods lately

Thoughts

So I've binge watched arrow in the past couple days and got caught up to the current season, i really like the show and the characters; makes me wonder why i never watched season 2 in the first place... anyway i like it; and its more than the fun stories etc; its really gritty and real in some aspects; i wonder in my own life what happens when you let someone in, start to trust people and not stay within the walls.... its very analogous to my daily struggles of people and me; i'm broken, i'm very broken... here's the thing, i dont have the strength or the will to fix myself, because honestly i dont really care about myself, at all.... it feels very similar to oliver's character the first 3 seasons... this season i look and i wonder, and while letting someone in it does help, it is nice; but in my personal experience nice doesnt last its very fleeting and when it doesnt last it hurts, it really hurts... i dont want to be a burden to friends/family, i know i'm weird and broody and moody and stoic in some weird combination; i dont feel happy, i never *feel* happy, i honestly cant even remember what that feels like, dont get me wrong i can be "happy" for fleeting moments but its gone in a flash, and yes i did that it was yep, thats if you're reading it you'll see.. i'm not going back and changing that.. anyway its true... have you ever felt guilty for smiling, because when you smile while its true in the moment its not true in life? i dunno i do, and all the time... back to my musing thoughts... this season, felicity/oliver its curious to me, i wonder if ever ever that i could find someone to be a parter, to trust and let in; then i remember my life and i just dont believe it will, when i watch i want to believe but i cant let myself...

hmmm

So, I'm back from visiting the MA family for thanksgiving... it was nice... but here's the thing, and maybe its always the thing, so its always why i dont go back.... i have zero to do... i dont have friends to meet up with, none that would want to... open invitations never get responses, so i'm not sure why i post them... i didnt expect any but it'd have been nice.... and now i'm home, and it makes me wonder, what i'm doing, why i'm doing it.... you know? i watched a video today about someone giving their dad unexpected tickets to see some game and he was overwhelmed with emotion, i dont know what that is, like i cant imagine being that happy or suprised or whatnot... i'm just for lack of a better phrase dead inside, really i am... sure i 'care' about people, dont get me wrong but i'm not sure its anything more than a general looking out for people... reciprocation of friendship is something i've never really experienced... and i do like to suprise people with something they like and werent expecting, but its fleeting that feeling of glad they liked it... feelings fade very fast... i'm going to work this week and have a meeting on my calendar every day from 11am-8pm since california hours... and i dont mind it so much as i dont know i dont care at the moment really... its all weird, i'm weird... i'm thinking about what the point is and i'm not coming up with any good answers...

sneaking up on you

you know, one of the more insidious things about depression is when it sneaks up on you... like i've had a relatively good weekend, today wasn't bad, trinity was sick so i went to work for the meeting i had to be physically present at and came home at 11 and WFH the rest of the day, she was tired and gassy but she pepped up around 4 which was good... then went to get my car inspections, which were rescheduled from Saturday since the guy at the place called off which was annoying. anyway i just feel like a funk is coming on and blah... its weird, when i started i feel like i had something more articulate and better to say but its gone, whatever it was....

muggy

I just came in from 5min out on the deck in the dark on a wet seat.... I'm getting a new cat tomorrow, I wonder if its right... I mean, I .. whats wrong with me? I went to dinner w/coworkers yesterday, it was nice.. i told lisa I'd take the cat, spontaneous, now I wonder if fenway will get along with him, what trinity will be like, and we all know my house is a disaster... is it right to take him? I want to disappear. Just watched project almanac, not a terrible movie but not really a good movie... I want, i want to be able to get out of where i'm stuck, the toilet ran again last night for 2hrs before i figured it out, and water again, this place will need to be gutted, its like, i want to just i dont know, i was okay and tonight i dont know, i mean i've been pretty much non-stop this week, stayed home on monday since i was exhausted, and just generally didnt feel good, did a WFH but like its non-stop, stressful, i take it personally like its me, i dont think anyone thinks that but me, but i do.... how do i say what i'm really thinking at group? like i'm "ok" usually at group, like i can shut it all off and just listen, but i cant, right, i cant keep doing that, but i dont want anyone worried i dont want anyone hurt... sometimes i wonder if what i think is real or if its just all made up and i can shut it off and ignore it and like magic i wont think it, or i dont know something..

late night musings

well not really musings, just i thought id' be a good title... i'm depressed i know i am, but i dont necessarily care.... work is super taxing lately... its a struggle, i so want to tell people they're being crazy, though i did tell someone the other day i dont need them berating me when i'm trying to answer a question for him... that pissed me off... and i dont need it... i just i want it to be over, the project, everything potentially, i just dont know, i need a new fucking place to sleep, the couch is dying and yeah so.... also my elbows still weirdly sore when i'm home/sleeping... it doesnt bother me at work which i find somewhat odd, but then again i'm constantly on the computer at work and maybe i dont notice it its not like my arm is at my side/bent etc when i'm at work just sitting around here and sleeping... i'm actually tired tonight, which is kind of nice, no neuro needed... so goodnight...

ugh, its hot

its hot, there are tstorms coming, supposed to be muggy and i'm just not feeling it, also my elbows are sore, seems to be a result of being flexed for long periods, its worst when i wake up and its the arm thats bent that i sleep on, i think its related to my couch/bed nearing the end of its usable life, i mean its 10... thats decent for a couch, and one that is constantly used and slept in nightly so... i just i dont wanna get a new one, it'd need to be delivered, and ugh just ugh

Long Days

Its after group again, I didnt share much this week, unlike last week where it was only 3 people, including myself so it was a bit easier. I'm okay but I'm like just okay, like more of a teetering slightly offbalance sort of way. I'm i dunno i dont like to share i dont like people to worry and also i dont know it doesnt seem that bad sure its got lows but it gets back to normal mostly.... its kind of like quazi rapid cyling, low to okay and back again, not super stable but not crazy instable.

its mother's day

its mother's day, i see friends and their kids writing sincere thanks and creativity to their moms and i wonder how terrible a daughter i really am, because i just i dont think like that, i mean i can be thoughtful and sincere but i dont have this well of graditude and love for my mom, and i dont know that i ever have... its weird, i mean i love her yeah she's my mom but there is clearly something i've been missing all these years, and i dont know what it is or if i'll ever have it... there's never been this happy go lucky anything of me, if there ever was i dont remember it, i was always the stick in the mud... i sit here alone another weekend and while that game night a few weeks ago was fun, its nothing sustained, i dont make connections, i mean even the connections i have i dont know what to do with or really how they came about, kim, lamar, will... no idea why they continue to be my friends... i'm weird, i'm not a good friend i'm i dont know i got mulch and flowers the other day spent like $100 and i dont know why, i dont know why i've spent the money i've been spending lately, is it just because i have it? or am i trying to fill something but i dont know what .... every now and then i'd like to think there is someone out there that'd like me, love me even and fix me... but i know its unrealistic so i dont, and i feel like if there was i'd not want them around, i'd make their life miserable and i dont want to do that to people, and i dont know why i am still around, i mean i barely take care of myself i'm just waiting for death to come, i'd like sometimes to just drop dead die, like pa or even gram's dad, just gone... thats weird right? depressing even, and i'm taking my meds, i thought last weeks duldrums was just my period now i'm not so sure... i'm not sure at all...

Blech

I dont know exactly what it is.... is it my period or was this inevitable, i mean i've been having trouble falling asleep again, so I've been having neuro the past few weeks, it helps .... and work i dont know wtf is going on, its so stressful all of a sudden, its like nothing can go right, i want to quit, kinda, i dont know i just dont want to deal with it i want everyone to stop whining and just find a solution that solves the problem, maybe its not what the "vision" was but goddamnit its not magic... I'm getting the feeling that nobody likes me again, just like they tolerate me, i dont know.... i havent been having lunch w/ppl for months, it started out with meetings over lunch because the people in california, anyway i feel myself getting paranoid, also i dont know its like someone said at group do i want to travel or unravel as it may be down the road again, there really is nobody in my life... if i could head it off i'd do it, if i get too depressed i wont... i just i want it to quiet, i want it to stop, also i want for a day to really feel like someone cared, or whatnot i dont.. and i dont believe them if they say it, because most people are liars... especially when it comes to me...

grrr

So I dont know whats going on, today was stress, friday was stress, the weekend was okay, saw avengers (by myself!) got my hair cut (12") and I've finally stopped you know and i feel like crap again, I dont know

New Job, why aren't i excited/happy about it?

I've been feeling blah for a couple weeks now, and now i got a job offer to switch to FTE from contract and its great, at least it should be.. but its its like i'm seeing it happen but i have no direct relationship with it...