its mother's day

its mother's day, i see friends and their kids writing sincere thanks and creativity to their moms and i wonder how terrible a daughter i really am, because i just i dont think like that, i mean i can be thoughtful and sincere but i dont have this well of graditude and love for my mom, and i dont know that i ever have... its weird, i mean i love her yeah she's my mom but there is clearly something i've been missing all these years, and i dont know what it is or if i'll ever have it... there's never been this happy go lucky anything of me, if there ever was i dont remember it, i was always the stick in the mud... i sit here alone another weekend and while that game night a few weeks ago was fun, its nothing sustained, i dont make connections, i mean even the connections i have i dont know what to do with or really how they came about, kim, lamar, will... no idea why they continue to be my friends... i'm weird, i'm not a good friend i'm i dont know i got mulch and flowers the other day spent like $100 and i dont know why, i dont know why i've spent the money i've been spending lately, is it just because i have it? or am i trying to fill something but i dont know what .... every now and then i'd like to think there is someone out there that'd like me, love me even and fix me... but i know its unrealistic so i dont, and i feel like if there was i'd not want them around, i'd make their life miserable and i dont want to do that to people, and i dont know why i am still around, i mean i barely take care of myself i'm just waiting for death to come, i'd like sometimes to just drop dead die, like pa or even gram's dad, just gone... thats weird right? depressing even, and i'm taking my meds, i thought last weeks duldrums was just my period now i'm not so sure... i'm not sure at all...