more thoughts...

As I said the other day I've been watching Arrow and its themes are really an excellent analogy (in my opinion) to more or less the way I live, or not live as the case may be, my life. I've spent all morning watching Stephen's videos because well I think he's a pretty awesome person for being so engaging and clearly selfless when it comes to his fans and its exceedingly clear how much he enjoys his work. I've enjoyed spending the better part of my weekend with him, or my whole weekend, reference not live above or just read anything posted on here you'll get the gist. Anyway I just came in from a brief walk with Trinity, walking through the house by all the crap thats not fixed or cleaned or basically everything thats gone to shit around me and I briefly asked myself why I dont just ask someone to help. And during my brief walk I think I came up with a fairly simple answer to a very complex question, that question being me... anyway its because I want people to care and I want them around but I dont want them to know and because I feel, based on my entire 36 years of life experience, that they wouldnt be able to not judge and wouldn't stick around to help or would just turn around and make it worse. I have the large cat trying to sit on my clavicle right now, its his favorite spot, hurts though he's 20lbs! Love the purring in my ear though.. anyway.. i dont trust people, actually more accurately i trust no one, i dont trust my family, i dont trust my friends, i dont trust strangers... what trust i do extend to people isnt full trust, there is nobody that i really implicitly trust; and i wonder if those people exist for other people... do people implicitly trust other people, friends/family? Its sad really... then again thats who i am... also the cats getting heavy in this position, he's laid down across my shoulder and upper arm as i type... its an interesting position... plus i'm twisted slightly towards the screen and its starting to become uncomfortable... i'll babble on again i'm sure i'm in one of those moods lately