Thoughts

So I've binge watched arrow in the past couple days and got caught up to the current season, i really like the show and the characters; makes me wonder why i never watched season 2 in the first place... anyway i like it; and its more than the fun stories etc; its really gritty and real in some aspects; i wonder in my own life what happens when you let someone in, start to trust people and not stay within the walls.... its very analogous to my daily struggles of people and me; i'm broken, i'm very broken... here's the thing, i dont have the strength or the will to fix myself, because honestly i dont really care about myself, at all.... it feels very similar to oliver's character the first 3 seasons... this season i look and i wonder, and while letting someone in it does help, it is nice; but in my personal experience nice doesnt last its very fleeting and when it doesnt last it hurts, it really hurts... i dont want to be a burden to friends/family, i know i'm weird and broody and moody and stoic in some weird combination; i dont feel happy, i never *feel* happy, i honestly cant even remember what that feels like, dont get me wrong i can be "happy" for fleeting moments but its gone in a flash, and yes i did that it was yep, thats if you're reading it you'll see.. i'm not going back and changing that.. anyway its true... have you ever felt guilty for smiling, because when you smile while its true in the moment its not true in life? i dunno i do, and all the time... back to my musing thoughts... this season, felicity/oliver its curious to me, i wonder if ever ever that i could find someone to be a parter, to trust and let in; then i remember my life and i just dont believe it will, when i watch i want to believe but i cant let myself...