hmmm

So, I'm back from visiting the MA family for thanksgiving... it was nice... but here's the thing, and maybe its always the thing, so its always why i dont go back.... i have zero to do... i dont have friends to meet up with, none that would want to... open invitations never get responses, so i'm not sure why i post them... i didnt expect any but it'd have been nice.... and now i'm home, and it makes me wonder, what i'm doing, why i'm doing it.... you know? i watched a video today about someone giving their dad unexpected tickets to see some game and he was overwhelmed with emotion, i dont know what that is, like i cant imagine being that happy or suprised or whatnot... i'm just for lack of a better phrase dead inside, really i am... sure i 'care' about people, dont get me wrong but i'm not sure its anything more than a general looking out for people... reciprocation of friendship is something i've never really experienced... and i do like to suprise people with something they like and werent expecting, but its fleeting that feeling of glad they liked it... feelings fade very fast... i'm going to work this week and have a meeting on my calendar every day from 11am-8pm since california hours... and i dont mind it so much as i dont know i dont care at the moment really... its all weird, i'm weird... i'm thinking about what the point is and i'm not coming up with any good answers...