crap

today was a crappy monday, weather and just in general.. forgot my ipod so it was too quiet at work... kinda officially started my new project and now i'm kinda anxious about it because its like all me... and while this is what i like i'm i dunno... plus its like i'm back to "normal" kinda blah blah whatever, not terribly depressed but not happy either...

i still kinda want this to just be all in my head and i can just like somehow decide to just be normal...

and i spoke with erica tonight, she's playing softball with a work league, i'm kinda jealous, but i'll be realistic i'm not of a size where i should be playing softball again now am i?

Weekend

so... to sum up the weekend... i have no one word actually.. i worked sat morning, got that done, saw the shrink... i'm soso about that still... just came back from dinner and now im kinda blah...

i think i'm kinda jinxing my mood at the moment... i mean.. i dunno i had originally like last month when i was really depressed decided that this would be the weekend, i'd have my birthday then that'd be the end of it all but now now i have to resume my life again.. i dunno its alittle weird.. im such a psycho arent i?

The Shape of LOST to come..

DAMN! I just finished watching yesterday's episode which I missed and OMG! And whats up with Ben & Widmore... are they related, that option struck me as ben entered widmore's room... or are they the same person? I know though that undoubtedly that Widmore's boat race was orchestrated to land Desmond on that island and Widmore, not Penny, was the one who lojack'ed the boat to the arctic guys...

and claire, is she really okay, i mean damn the whole house did explode around her essentially, dont think she's going to last another season, but her storyline kind of died when charlie died last season... wonder what implications this episode has related to the future 'ghost' charlie appearing to hurley...

poor jack, they're not being rescued.. but they get off the island, i'm thinking somehow our people are commandeering that freighter, the six are getting off the island and they're infact the ones who slit our freighter doctors throat... i do wonder what's ailing jack though

and SMOKEY, ahh smokey prey-esque black smoke that roams the island... prior to tonight seemingly random and aimless, but i wonder if each encounter was actually purposeful, i mean ben did just kinda summon and unleash it on the mercenary freighter folk.... hmmmm wonder what it is

its too bad there are only a few episodes left this season, damn writers strike!

Birthday Friday

So today was/is my birthday... got a 'suprise' party at work... i was suprised in that i didnt expect the decorations etc or all the cameras but i was figuring the 'emergency meeting' was a birthday get together... but it was good

deposited the birthday money today, overall a good birthday

Thursday... grr

DUDE!!! I woke up like 15mins ago... i missed the first 20mins of LOST.... now i have to wait for it to be available online... roar!!

oh I am SOOOO annoyed!!

weird wednesday

anyone noticing a theme here this week?

anyway busy busy at work, i have o/t approved since i'm working on several projects now... start my new one tomorrow, brought home the overview stuff its actually really really simplistic this release which is good...

called my cousin, said what mom told me was infact not correct.. so that was super awkward, apologized she said i didnt have to but i feel bad now.. and like i ambushed her about something that wasnt true, so weird now... so i also sent a short email apology too... dunno what i was thinkin calling like that...

oh and i made an appt with the psychiatrist too... that was earlier today .. so all my to do's are done mostly anyway

primary tuesday

i voted today for the first time ever... yup

and i took on another project at work, keeps me busy which i was happy about, i'll be flipping between so called hats but it'll be good... i think i'll actually prefer to do both simultaneously rather than one at a time, keeps me busier and hopefully will kinda guarantee me at minimum an extension through years end :) or perhaps a f/t position

fenway just caught a fly and walked away after he lost it after playing with it, frankly i think he killed it and he's now disinterested ...

twas a gorgeous day today, supposed to rain tomorrow but eh right? i can smell the flowers at the bus stop, they smell familiar i think they're gardenias... i'll have to check...

got a collection call about the 2nd of my 3 CC's i'd stopped paying when i left my original job from here... i was kind of hoping i'd have a couple months before that call came though, it zaps all my finances to pay it, i want to but damn

monday, monday

what an unusually relaxed monday it was today... went by fast too... plus we 'clinton watched' for most of the afternoon... bill was late to the rally and hillary followed an hour after him... he got there are like quarter of two she at probably 2:30ish.. for a rally that was supposed to start at 1:30... sheesh i'm tellin ya hehe

my dongle for my computer isnt finding my phone anymore... grrr annoying

sunday

stayed awake all day today, first day, well at least weekend day that i havn't fallen asleep at some point and napped the day away...

so..

got my license renewed today, kinda wish i'd redone my photo but whatever right? went grocery shopping, got gas $61!!! dude that shit has got to come down... and saw the shrink...

i'm still kinda reeling kinda from the conversation with mom last night, told him about it and well i kinda think i'll go ahead and call, his comment was along the lines of maybe this just makes you realize there is something more going on and its not just you... something like that.. and i guess kinda but i dont know its somewhat more acceptable for me personally to want to believe that its like all just in my head and there isnt anything like actually wrong... know what i mean, and despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary... and i dont know why medication is such a touchy subject for me really, i mean i suppose im better on it as so far that i'm not quite as apt to go off myself or get to that point ... i guess its all relative huh... in more ways than one now ...

and i told mom that i'd call for a psychiatrist appt by my birthday... so i have 5 days to do so... 4 because tomorrow is sunday really... we shall see


update 10:07 just started pouring, love the sound of the rain in spring/summer

to medicate or not to medicate...

this is the question... there seems to be some interest in me at work lately, leaning towards a full time staff position... which would be awesome, however i also think it would require me to be medicated, which isnt necessarily a bad thing it just kind of feels like a defeat... dont ask me why for the past 20 years it feels like whenever i'm on it i've been beaten to the point where i have no choice in the matter and regardless i have little to no choice in the matter...

spoke wih mom about it tonight and she's of the school of thought that i should, no suprise there but she also said she worries about me less because she knows it helps and works for me, when i take it and i'm not a non compliant paitent as she so termed it... she also said that my cousin was recently diagnosed as bipolar as well... it actually kinda makes me feel better, sucks for her but not i dont know like it makes me feel better like i'm not the lone crazy in the family but then again it still sucks because i know what its like... and we are not the type of family to discuss such matters so i couldnt like even talk to her i dont think.. weird..

so i have the names of some psychiatrists who have more accomodating hours and i know i should give it a whirl again but i dont feel crappy right now... next week may be another story but right now i'm fine... i'm a horrible paitent arent i?

ponderings

okay first off before i ponder wtf is up with IE, its been a freaking bitch all week! roar! now that thats off my chest...

driving home today i was thinking about random stuff as is my habit when in traffic and i was considering the pros and cons of extended family ... specifically the fact that i personally feel like i'm shafted in the parental support area as compared to the steps and of course the baby of the family, my sister but thats to be expected, the youngest is always the spoiled... anyway i was pondering the competitive fact that is inherent the more children that are added to the pot, the parents aren't garnering income that is variable and increasing each time a new kid is added to the pot so i was wondering should those step siblings not have been would the result be the same? or would i be the recipient of some of that parental support?

and as full as the family is, if you count both sides there are 7 kids in total, i still basically feel like an only child and the outcast child at that... damn double whammy right? i'm the only child who lives apart from either side, and the only one who has never been the recipient of windfall type support, which i am defining as rent free living, you know aside from that under 18 age bracket and the brief college years... i should just stop comparing right, because i'm never going to be that recipient .. i was just pondering this fact

damn titles

watched criminal minds tonight, elephant's memory... one of the lines is sad but true, you dont remember a thing they teach you in school but the torments at the hands of other kids/classmates you have an elephants memory for... i'm paraphrasing there... but its not only that you remember events you'd rather forget.. is that life's way of allowing you to learn from your mistakes, teach you lessons? frankly i have few memories that are happy, joyful etc.. i have some okay memories not anything special but they arent bad ones.. another thing about memory, at least mine, is that the older i get the less emotionally attached i am to my memories, like they dont fire up anything in me anymore good or bad... i can talk about the shitty ones and not be super stressed about remembering it or talking about it... dont get me wrong i can feel my heart beat just a twinge faster but thats it anymore.. i got nothing... furthermore the things that used to be cathartic and cleansing for me dont give me that emotional punch anymore either... is that just getting older or crazy me?

hey also i tweaked my ankle on the bus today, damn people and the break, what is with half the drivers anyway... and where is my brace, anyone know?

weighing the option

so is it better to have a wider skillset that spans several actual job functions or just stick to my own? its such a hard question for me... i get bored easily i want to keep busy while at work i hate twiddling my thumbs at work i *need* stuff to do... so i'm doing it again, as long as someone shows me the application i'm going to go ahead and update the use cases that need to be updated, i'm the closest to it and there is nobody available to do it, so why not me? right, aside from it not actually being in my job description but isnt it better to have options open to other things than to not? i was told today that i should really just try to do my job and just my job because thats my job and they know i'll be bored but they'd rather me be bored and just do my job than to pick up the slack for others, but shouldnt i pick up the slack to get stuff done?

and out of one cheek one person says dont do that its not your job and in the next breath says hey can you do this i know its not your job but there really isnt anyone else... nifty huh?

so i'm probably going to end up doing it half, actually more than half the work is done already... so.. yeah i know

long day

yesterday was a long ass day... but shit got done, slept alot today, yep thats about it... asked for another referral... got some names, still havn't decided if i'm calling or not but i went so far as to get new info... so baby steps i suppose...

thinking

yes thinking can be bad, but i've been thinking... i'm still alittle confused, one of the last posts i'm still confused as to the root of all this shit... is it really me or is it not but i'm just doing?

got genuine compliments today... and i just still dont know how to accept them, i still dont know... and i'm a good sport so i'm coming in EARLY saturday... plus i like to know that i've done it and it got done right.. i'm a bit of a control freak perfectionist incase anyone was unaware of that...

in the midst of the compliment i was asked which i liked better, the job i'm doing now or a job i've done in the past that i'm equally good at... i like both... although i never worked at the job i've done in the past the way this company does it... i'd like to i think but i also like my job right now its kinda i dont know... which is why i've been thinking... i know i mean i'm aware i'm not the most stable right now ... so maybe i should go saturday to my appt and say give me another referral i'll go and get meds... so i'd be able to do the other if i want, but change like i am now wouldnt necessarily be good... so this is why i am still confused as to if its like organically me or if its weirdly learned environmentalish conditioned stuff... i dunno.. maybe i'll open up and discuss, but if i do will i sound like a crazy whiny person? am i just really a crazy person? i know i have issues its rather obvious actually and i'm not oblivious to it i'd just rather not deal with it and ignore... we shall see

not really for me

family reunions... specifically the july one... not really my family... why do people think i should go to this get together where i've never been a part of this so called family... nor do i really wish to be.. yeah they're there, i know them but are they really family? not to me not really.. i dont know them and dont feel like any of them have ever put forth any effort to know me.. so i shouldnt be obligated nor bothered by the insinuation that i should go... right? just leave it the fuck alone already i'm not going, i'm not going ever not unless i'm dragged or if its local i may go for like just to go but i'm not going out of my way to go to a reuinion for a family that really isnt mine.. okay sheesh

ugh

ok, i'm getting depressed now.. no real reason but wtf? c'mon you know i have this internal debate all the time, am i really crazy or is it like some sort of weird learned thing that if i could just stop i'd be normal.. sorta, you know like maybe because i've been going since i was little that i've just been conditioned to believe it and its really not true... like if i could just put my mind to it it'd all just stop... like in those brief time periods where i'm not high i'm not low i'm just plateau normalish and if i can just keep it going... and for some crazy reason i think if i could just do that and i wonder if it'd be me anymore like this is the person everyone knows i am i'm the crazy mood swingy bipolar chick of the family... maybe its really everyone elses perceptions of me that i'm feeding off of and just giving them what they expect... maybe i can just figure out who i am without all this crap... if only i could just do that i'd be normal right? i'd not have been in and out of therapy for the past freaking 20 years... i'm so not old enough to say that yet thats the case.. i mean god damn... is this all a function of whats gone on... i mean had my mom never drug me to a shrink's office or started family or individual therapy i'd be perfectly normal... if she'd never made me go to alateen meetings ... i mean yeah dad drinks, so doesnt she... i cant put my finger on it... i just need to know and figure it out... i'm okay but i'm not i'm here but i'm not i'm alive but i'm dead... its a weird dichotomy ... everything happens for a reason ... or so the philosophy of yesterday would seem to suggest... or everything happens as its going to happen no changing it... so which is it? am i crazy or am i just acting that way because thats whats expected? can i act normal can i stop myself from thinking can i stop myself from a nearly daily thought of what if i just killed myself, but the degrees of that thought are so vast its hard to explain... because even when i'm feeling okay that thought creeps in... i dont plan for the future, i dont have friends, i dont do these things in part because that thought is always there and i dont want to dissapoint or hurt anyone above and beyond those who've already been though it with me... i mean seriously thats a shitty ass thing to do to people at its core but its not something i can stop doing, maybe i cant live without it... now thats fucked up i tell you fucked up... and my life is so pathetic its crazy... i get up go to work, work come home, watch tv maybe fall asleep, watch tv, come online then go to bed and repeat, weekends are go to the shrink if the appointment is saturday or lounge around the house, sleeping, maybe eating meandering about my four walls, i heard people today it was nice in the back... one of the families the kids having fun i think they were probably having a first nice full day kind of picnic barbeque... and it sucks man, it sucks alot i dont have that and i cant and i dont know if i could deal with that again, i mean people are sucky... its hard to have friends i dont want to hurt them i dont want to i have this super tendancy to argue with them hurt them get upset and just cant sustain... especially if i see them within my i'll say region.. i thin the only reason i'm still friends with aubrey is because she's in san diego... i dont even know that we'd have lasted any longer as roomates than the year we lasted... i'm so bitching now arent i ... ugh, i thought if i did this again it'd give me some kind of perspective and some kind of dumping ground for my shit so i didnt necessarily have to carry it about and obsess and think about it over and over again... i'm just so blah right now and it kinda came out of freaking nowhere... nowhere i was fine yesterday and this morning and like maybe around 4ish i just i dont know fuck... i stopped i slowed down and now i'm freaking again well not freaking when i freak i'm freaking but i'm not right now, now i'm rambling typing as i think not really censoring anything but my spelling... listening to someday i'll be saturday night right at this second and i cant even follow along with it in my head it usually makes me feel somewhat better or at least comforted by the truisms in the lyrics... especially i think the second verse, it just ended now btw but anyway the verse is 'i cant say my name or tell you where i am i want to blow myself away dont know if i can i wish that i could be in some other time and place with someone elses soul someone elses face' such a truism about this snippet of feeling.. and thats what i've been lacking today feeling... i got nothing... i watched patch adams this afternoon, its one of those movies that is usually somewhat cathardic for me... it literally well kinda stopped me from killing myself one day... lived down the street from a theater and something told me to go just watch like one last movie and it was like good for me, didnt go home and do anything... but man i just dont know... dead skin is playing now... i have like these songs on now that usually comfort me in the way they are pretty accurate in describing some feelings... if only i could feel anything right now... i mean even yesterday telling my shrink how annoyed i was at myself i dont know that i even really believed it anymore, i was annoyed friday yes really annoyed pit of my stomach turning over annoyed at myself but saturday i was kinda calm, frustrated maybe but not frustrated angry frustrated like ambivalent... dunno.. i'm so stopping now this is getting long and i just could go on forever i think...

another item to ponder

okay the other thing discussed yesterday is my weight, and in the course of the discussion the conclusion was arrived at that one of the reasons i'm just not motivated to lose any right now is i'm okay with it, frankly i just dont care right now, but the interesting tidbit is that he thinks if i was more insecure about myself i'd lose weight, and frankly being less secure with myself i'm a whole helluva lot more unstable so its weird... i'd like to lose weight but eh, its like its a nice to have but not a real necessity

also that i had this idea that i'd do the weightloss thing again and frankly i did like for a day or two and its frankly easier to let the cafeteria people serve me my usual than for me to correct them to the better choices... which i can concede is i will agree likely a function of the fact that i'm isolated, and unsocial for the most part... but interesting nonetheless

i hate titling

so saw the shrink today, interesting conversation... okay so if you didnt know i tend to be a bit of a perfectionist, and i hadnt thought of something i think i should have but anway... i was telling him this and he asked what perfection meant, like the definition and so i say well doing everything 100%, 100% correctly, 100% of the time... and he counters that you like to improve upon yourself and things, well yes... and if something is perfect it is basically at its pinnacle it cant be improved upon... ok yes that is true.. and furthermore once a moment has passed it was perfect because a moment passed cannot be improved upon there is no way to return to the past to improve upon that moment..yes true, interesting philosophy and frankly hard to argue with that point i might say.. however there is one thing that can be improved upon although it is the future but that hasnt happened yet so i suppose the lesson of perfectionism isnt necessarily dwelling on your lack to improve upon the past but the ability to gain knowledge from your past failures and try to prevent them from happening in the future right? okay that is my nugget for today and its not bitchy yay for you, i mean for not having to read a bitchy post, that is if anyone reads this but whatever.. toodles