Reality...

You know, my reality, its terrible... well not terrible its some other adjective I cant quite pull from the ether right now.

I'm here, alone, as always, I haven't even gone to do grocery shopping this weekend. I was going to do it today, but I just dont feel like it anymore. The past month or so has been a bit weird for me, but as of this morning I'm back down to my normal reality. I slept a full 8+ hours last night, and I'm no longer sick, its been a while since that's happened. Sleep has always been my refuge from my mind. Yet today or last night and today, with the exception of the 4th quarter last night, that was nuts. I started watching Chasing Life, because well I figured it would be real in the way other things arent. Like sci-fi and action and any other number of mystery/thriller genre of entertainment I generally gravitate to it isnt. Its more along the lines of the 13 reasons book I read maybe 2 years ago. It gives a good mirror to reality, not that I've ever had cancer and I do understand that my mental instability isnt the same thing its a more accurate mirror than other things. What I find sad about the show probably isn't what others find sad, though I'm not sure about that. Anyway what I find sad about the show is the fact the family functions through the dysfunction, they rally, come together and are supportive. I look at my family and thats not exactly how things have ever worked. I think watching this how nice it may have been if my family had been there, or really not there but differently there. I'm not quite right, never have been, and unlike many families mine dragged me to therapy early. I've been in therapy since 5th grade, but the first time I saw a therapist was a year earlier. So I suppose I'm not in as bad a place as I could have been. Support is relative to the people and the situations. I think back and this is likely not going to make sense in the least but my family didnt do anything. Like not really, not like as a family, or maybe I'm fantasizing about how other people are. But we drove to Jersey every summer for a long time to AC to see family and walk the boardwalk. Those were good, but they were missing what I see other people have had, they were missing family... Now I've felt for a long time that I was born at an awkward time for my family as a whole. There are no relatives my age, my sister and one other cousin are 3 & 4 years younger respectively, it falls off sharply from there with most being at least 8 years younger. Conversely on the other side of the family, there are no cousins, there are my Dad's cousins who were closer in age but they were all older, The youngest was 8 years older than me... I'm in this weird dead zone generationally. That coupled with the fact I'm well I'm kinda weird, that didnt bode well did it? Didnt turn out exceptionally well either. I dont have friends, as I've said many many times.... I have a lot of acquaintances, some friends but no FRIENDS... those people you trust and talk to and can be completely yourself with without fear of reprisal... doesnt exist for me. Perhaps a couple people could handle but I cant take the chance, mostly because they dont understand how bad bad can be. I dont know how to sustain friendships, its weird, I predominantly feel with someone I consider a friend that my investment is more than theirs, and there is a lack of reciprocity. Which is likely some  of my own fault, but I dont know how to change that. Weirdly I both like and dislike my current mood, like because its familiar and its oddly relaxing but not calming but relaxing, I have no better description. Dislike it because its familiar and its likely to come with those deep valleys eventually. Reality in these kinds of moods is very clear, there are no rose colored lenses, or hopes and dreams, what is is. If you hadnt guessed I'm just writing as I think since this post has no structure or real point. These tend to get long, but they do help sometimes. Not today I dont think, but maybe if I re-read at some point.

Here's the thing, I've been avoiding retreat for the past month, because I thought maybe there was a glimmer of maybe something getting better. But today, today I see its not really true. I'm still me, I'm still alone, I'm still hopelessly flawed and broken and bruised and really not someone anyone should be around for any length of time.... and thats what it is.. I just have to try to accept that again, then I wont feel so bad... because I do, I feel crappy today.... and I didnt feel crappy yesterday... thats how it goes right? Maybe we'll be there again some day, maybe next month, maybe not. Depends on how low this one goes I suppose.... maybe its just a stumble, I dont know. I dont like not knowing... its draining...

One more thing several hours later (7p)... I have things, I buy things because well no real reason other than it was something to do for me and I dont do for me... anyway I like giving it away, especially when the recipient likes it.... I kind of wish that I liked things others give me sometimes, but I don't, its very rare... I think because I want to be surprised and want it to be something... like also I'd like to be able to be asked for something, give it and feel appreciated for it.... and I just dont...

Ok I just got off the phone with my mom, and I enjoyed the conversation, I think possibly because she's the only human I've spoken to this entire weekend, but it was nice... (8:15)