Theater

3rd post of the day, wow... okay I watched Grease Live tonight, it exceeded all expectations, and frankly I didn't have many to begin with, considering the history of the live musicals .... but this, this was phenomenal, seriously, even with the audio glitches I cant even. That cast ran around a lot for 2 hours to pull that off.

Now why am I posting, well last night I had a musical day/night.... watched Rent, listened to the original cast on Friday night I think, along with Damn Yankees... and watched that Anna Kendrick The 5 year thing also, though that was more along the lines of the stage production of rent with very little actual dialog, i started paying attention about a third of the way in, i think if i see it all i may like it more.. anyway again i'm losing track... the point... well the point is theater and musical theater are two things that i used to love, performing and attending.... and I have not done either in ages, ages, at least mmm 15 years probably, whenever the last time I saw rent was, actually that was probably 1999, so 17 years.. also did you know I used to go to theater camp in the summer, so much fun... we got to put on a show at the end and do all sorts of fun quirky things all summer, you know improv theater and just stuff, believe me if you like it it was fun.... and I didnt perform senior year because well I was depressed, and that's really too bad for me... like it was something i did love and i just never did again... i mean that rush, the anxious butterflies all mixed with the exhilaration yup... that was something, that was a feeling.... i mean there is theater here downtown, they get touring shows, good ones too, but i don't really have any theater friends here.... and i kind of feel like going to a show alone is far and away harder than going to a movie alone and that took me a good long time to do, and be okay doing...

Like when we'd go see RENT, it was immersive, also if you were so inclined, and my friends and I were to hang out by the stage door after the show to say hi, congratulations, good show and all that.. I was never interested in the autographs.... partially because its not my thing, but also because those were some of the best times doing a show, all the thanks at the end, the flowers the gifts the everything, yeah that all was usually closing night but whatever... you know what I'm saying.. and I'm saying right now its something I miss... something I stopped doing, something I should start again... somehow... I don't know how... but I should... I really did love it...

Room

I did go out and see Room today, just got home actually.... It was an excellent movie, I'm slightly emotionally numb from it but not as much as I'd expected and almost hoped... I dunno that may sound weird, but there are movies and things that zap you, its kind of a reset sometimes. Like American History X its one of those movies thats so draining it provides a good reset... nevertheless, excellent movie. Brie Larson deserves all the awards she's receiving.

And there were 2 previews that I'd like to see, they'll be going on my flixter list... My Name is Doris and Demolition .... i think those are the names...

Sunday morning thoughts

So, last night, I started re-reading this blog... and I'm kind of surprised, but not really surprised there's another word, ummm, i'll think of it... anyway in my early entries i'm very angry, like very pissed off angry at everything... and my moods they were all over the damn place... now I get angry, sure, I still have a temper but its not so pervasive... so is that growth, correct medication, group? I don't know, but its something I didn't expect... like generally I don't think i'm that much of a different person than I was... maybe now except for this small thing... I mean I'm still an isolated person who really doesn't trust anyone, but I'm trying right now... I really am... and its new for me...

I read 2 articles this weekend about Arrow, both of which I thought were good... also kind of illustrate the reasons I like the show...

• Oliver and Felicity's Relationship on Arrow Finally Makes Sense to Me (io9)
• How "Arrow" hit the jackpot with Original Team Arrow (moviepilot) 

Now the former really kind of highlights some things I've thought about Felicity but hadn't been able to crystallize into a cohesive thought... however the article does a fantastic job of it... and none of it was surprising to me, like think about it... she's a genius, she joined the gang and had no objections other than moral ones, meaning no social objections... and we've not heard or seen any friends outside of the OTA associates... so that means she's a loner, she's got no pressing social life or friends that would be a reason not to join... so not surprising, also the old/new felicity has enough bearing to what I can relate to that I do enjoy that dynamic, hallucinatory as it may have been... 

Also I'm thinking I'm going to the movies today, Room is playing at Cinemark, which is so much better than the waterfront... 

Dry Run Day

So its dry run day, and I just need to vent a little. I've been checking my email periodically today to see how the dry run is progressing. Since the portion I'm responsible for is scheduled for 10pm, you know to see if everythings on time etc etc. Well the PM on another one of the tracks keeps emailing me and its like whiney, super whiney. I say this is what needs to be done, my boss tells him to do it, he emails me that he cant do it without me, he needs my help because he's responsible for it. Why the fuck is it my problem to DO something YOU are responsible for? grr!!

I'm not checking again for a few hours but goddamn he's annoying.

Its 8:44  - I got my list at 8 instead of 10pm, which is awesome, because that means as of right now my activity is DONE... now I'm just on call for the rest of the weekend.

And whiney person, I replied to and then replied to everyone and said the same thing I've been saying for a month, perhaps people will listen now....

I also had a weird idea that if i had RENT on I could have a better dry run, didnt exactly work that was as Mr Whiney annoyed me still... but my favorite scene is on now... though dont worry I still like the musical better than the movie :)

Last Friday of January

And I left work ON TIME, well technically early but thats because I'm working tomorrow... BUT I did not log back in to do work... I"ll do that tomorrow...

Got some of the shelves organized.... also there is a 4th Tardis on the top of the bookcase...

Today wasnt too bad, I'm mildly feeling guilty about not logging back in but I have to do it tomorrow so .... just regular mundane stuff today, no deep thoughts

Uncharacteristic

But I asked Kim if she'd like to go to the rescheudled HVFF and she said yes, but gotta wait to closer to the time, plus its a holiday weekend. But i'm kinda excited that we'll go.... dont want to get my hopes up though, but she seemed excited...

that is all.... work is long hours for at least the next 3 weeks til the release... but this is a good thing to look forward to.. road trip too... weekend of the 4th, i'm thinking it'll be good....

Happy Hump Day

Today was the longest day on my calendar, but it was just normal late because I skipped/bowed out of the last 2 meetings, sorry meetings scheduled literally from 8:30 through 9pm just isnt fair, espeically since that included meetings scheduled over lunch... yeah so 12.5 hours of my calendar was filled.... you know sometimes I wonder if i could/should just do 8 and be done... the long hours this month are relentless.... and frankly its not the longness of the days thats bad its the soul sucking conference calls that make up the long day that is the problem...

also i blocked off tomorrow morning so i can whip up a correction file for about 200 or so SKUs thats gonna be fun, i briefly entertained starting that tonight but then I thought better of it

in other unrelated news/comments, Arrow had the best episode thus far of the season tonight, also Criminal Minds is totally lackluster .... i mean i can tetris through the whole thing and not care... yep Wednesdays are pretty thin on the scheduled entertainment... so its just 8pm which is Arrow, shoulda really not stopped watching in the first place, but I suppose it all comes in when it needs to and I'm slowly turning a corner I think... slowly, with apprehension... but still not turning tail.... because what I'm excellent at, ignoring and running... thats what I do when its about me... if its about you watch out I'll bite your head off, seriously the Irish Temper with Italian Attitude is really an excellent summation

Not really an eventful Tuesday

Yeah so technically its wednesday already, but i have not gone to bed yet so it still counts

Yeah not much of an eventful day at all, in the least, nothing... I'm still in that weird mood where like I want something, but I'm not totally sure what it is.... and I'm questioning how I can be alone this much normally and it not bother me like its been i dont know bother may be a too harsh a word... it i have no idea there's a better word out there somewhere... need a friend, some friends... people to talk with, shoot the shit, just similar interests, i've said this before, i think... like this month... or at least in the last 2 months... ok i did the day so i'm off now... 4 more days to do every day and my self-challenge will be concluded, the entries will happen when they happen after that...

EDIT -- you know what it is... its like i've started little bits of things, like getting lunch with a coworker that gives me like a tiny social outlet, like a foot in the door kind of thing.. and its like when i dont interact with anyone its like nothing because well i'm not interacting and there's no expectation of interaction and its just well its easier to be in the isolation zone than in this weird spot i've put myself... granted not a bad thing just kinda strange...

Monday, again, this seems to happen a lot

Monday's that is...

The CA peeps are in a workshop all week, that means I may get to leave work ON TIME all week, theoretically.... I mean i still have to work Saturday for the dry run, but I have no idea when the last time I worked normal hours for a WHOLE WEEK....

Nothing else really interesting happened today, no big revelations... group was fine... though I was tickled going to group because the last song I listened to was KMFDM Dogma.... not sure why that tickled me so but it did... :)

Todays bag of Clementines suck

They're terrible, just like the AFC game... I swear the minute Gostkowski missed the extra point, it was like any momentum that was gained was lost and it really never got regained....

Also I feel strange... I have really enjoyed the whole HVFF vicarious through social media thing, and I wholeheartedly admire SA for his commitment to the event and the way he rallied and turned it into what may have been the greatest blizzard event ever... also I kind of was wondering what would happen if SA, JB & Eve Myles were ever in something together or at a panel or in a show... have you seen those interactions I feel like it'd be hilarious.... I kind of really want to go to one now... that in itself scares me... also I've felt weird all week actually, like work is super annoyingly weird and i also feel like the whole china piece is fucked up.. and i dont have the motivation to try to correct it... I"m just so done with the whole damn thing, i want something new.. but i want it to go in sucessfully... its all weird, i know.. and i have to work next weekend for a dry run too... i dont know... bleh

also the bag of clementines are going in the trash on wednesday night for trash day thursday... i've had 2 they suck, maybe i'll try a 3rd but i'm not hopeful at all

Sunday Morning

You know, yes the "you" again... I'd been thinking this is set up as an emotional repository and my random goal to write something every day turned it back into more of a journal I think... and I dont know but I almost think it still is... or something like, I wonder if my unusual mood lately means something unlocked again... that chink got bigger... like I feel... that sounds pretty strange I"m sure but its like I think I'm starting again... and perhaps thats why my mood's been kind of all over the place lately... i was up for so long, longer than usual or in a great long while... and maybe I'm just feeling what a "normal" person would who doesnt interact with any actual humans... like i'd said being alone and cut off is hard.. and it is, but it was doable... i'm thinking at the moment it may not be as doable anymore...

In addition I enjoyed the living vicarously or attending vicarously through all the people who posted photos and videos from HVFF/Nocking Point party yesterday... and I commented a few times yesterday and people understood my references... that rarely ever happens in real life... seriously... i'm either talking too technical, obscure facts or any of my fandoms (it seems kind of weird to acknowledge that since I'm normally not, hmmm) and i get the proverbial "nod and smile" from the person I'm talking with who has no clue what I"m saying... that was nice... I'm kind of virtually diping my toe in the water of people... and I'm pretty sure if HVFF came anywhere close by Kim would actually go with me... if i asked.... but I do still think that if it were in pittsburgh and i had the opportunity to volunteer that'd get me there because I'd have an obligation... strange unusual but i think ultimately good things afoot in my person lately....

And I dont recall if i said this yesterday but the entire coverage of HVFF and SA & JB's interactions just make me want to go even more and I totally admire the fact that they all enjoy each other and I'm betting really like to go to work and hang out and play pretend all day with each other... not just them but the entire cast... and I'm thinking its the entire cast of all 3 shows, not just arrow.... its really nice to see

Snowma... nope just a regular old Snowstorm here...

So I got 3" of light fluffy... maybe slightly more once it stopped, but it was normal winter storm... I took a 1mile ride on my new mag bike... the seat is crappy, which the reviews said and I concur... thats easily remedied, i could cannabalize the one from the flywheel but its like really screwed on their tight... we shall see... also I always want like handlebar extenders like they always feel like they're in a weird position for me... eh once i get used to it i'll go no hands :)

So today was a homebody day, i woke up early (again) and made myself a waffle for breakfast, got some work done, shoveled a path, yes just a path, i have an SUV and its gonna be in the 40s tues/wed it'll melt just fine... why did I, as i usually dont? well i was up and i had some energy it was like weird cabin fever earlier, i swear... put the 80s playlist on echo and weirded trinity out too lol... did some light cleaning and yep thats about it

The whole HVFF situation and the response to it just makes me want to actually go to one now, like actually go not just thinking about going... i mean i have the expendable income to do it, but i'm not so sure chicago is a good idea, i wonder when they're rescheduling, they cancelled today and said they were rescheduling, so maybe that'll be good, I'm not sure i want to wait til november for atlanta .... eh we shall see..

OK now I need to figure out what to do for dinner, well I know what I'm going to do since its basically all i have left, or i could make meatballs but eh i'm not quite hungry yet...

Another productive Friday evening

Got the mag bike put together, i dont understand why they said it took 2 people, its not heavy nor is it complicated... strange... the only casualty was one of my remotes because I could only find 1 AAA though I know I have a pack of them somewhere... look at me! Also confirmation of my suspected weight at my dr's office.. she was impressed, though it was not intentional I'll take it

Weekend Work & a Free Lunch

Today was non-stop... which was good, it went by fast, but damn I still have stuff that needs to get done. So the stuff I didnt have done by 5 I'm going to do tomorrow, winter storm and all... but you know I'm sure we're getting the 1-3" and no more, its barely snowing .... I do still kind of wish I could have gone to HVFF this weekend but its the original release scheduled weekend so I couldnt have... now I could have that it officially got changed but I'm still working so, no I couldnt... I feel like a snowstorm + HVFF may be like the random fun you can have in an airport when you're stranded.. like the time my Sr Class trip was delayed for a few hours in somewhere, Ohio I think? anyway we all met Doug Flutie, which was cool, his son kept running around and climbing into the carryon holders, I'd asked if he's planning on being a carryon :) Doug chuckled... so that was a good story.... sometimes blizzards etc can have that effect, other times its a huge pain in the ass... I'd like to think some cool stories will be born this weekend there....

So, I got a free lunch today.... one of the directors invited me to his team's luncheon which was great... the food actually was pretty good... and it was a nice break to actually really sit down and take lunch instead of eating at my desk while on a meeting... so that was good...

I also got my box of mystery fugitive toys pops that were the damaged box sale ones... pretty good haul, only got 2 that I already own out of the 18 (yes I got the correct # this time)... and only 2 had really really damaged boxes, the paint flaws I saw on a couple were really negligible so good haul overall, yay! I got a Who Framed Roger Rabbit weasel..  I kind of like him lol... there are other cool ones too, like i'm 1 superman away from the entire white lantern line, Kim's gonna be jealous haha!

You

Ya know I say "you" alot here, speaking to the "readers" though there are no readers since i'm all no index no follow, just thought that curious...

Tales from my ENT

Had my appointment today and my ears are now cleaned! woo hoo... thats a weird feeling, its too bad there isnt an easier way... anyway... apparently I need to send in the card for my cpap to the DME, thats probably something to tell me more than 2 days prior... ya know...

Also they were running late today, and they're usually pretty on time. I did find out though why they were running late, the repair guy was there for the audiology equipment. I had my hearing tested today too... so I get into the booth and get all headsetted, door closed, and i sit.... nope don't hear anything, the audiologist opens the door, didn't you hear anything... nope... she puts them on... she hears nothing... goes down the hall and brings the repair guy back... he doesn't hear anything, he takes a closer look and something wasn't hooked up... so that was an interesting way to begin my day...

Sadly though I did lose some hearing in the past year, but not too much its basically the same, but my ENT said that I'll likely gradually lose my hearing.... which sucks... really sucks... I'm not quite sure how to feel about it yet... I get my hearing tested again in 2 years now... I'm kinda hoping that it doesn't change again and she's wrong and this is what it'll be .... I'm probably wrong but I'd rather believe that for now than the alternative, granted gradual is better but still sucky

WFH (thats work from home btw)

Back to back to back 10 hour days with 7 hours of meetings necessitated a full WFH day today... yesterday was late til 7:30 today was just full and tomorrow is full plus a dr's appointment, which I'm looking forward to!

And its light fluffy snowing... i should sweep ...  but I wont...

Also Arrow's midseason premiere was tonight, I liked it, the second half was much better than the first, which was a slow build... got delivery today of a mag bike i ordered .... my original flywheel drives trinity completely batshit crazy, so this'll at least be quiet... also the ring is loose enough that i can remove it now... which kind of scares me i don't want to lose it... i need to make sure if i lose any more that its secured... though it also means i can probably retrieve the anniversary ring and it could fit too... i like the wedding ring though, should a miracle of me getting in a relationship or hell freezes over and i get married it'll switch fingers... til then it stays... I've literally not taken it off for a single day since Gram died... so this ring has permanently been on my finger since 12/4/99.... its my longest relationship :)

300th Post

That is all... did you think it would be an exciting entry? Nope just to fill my daily goal quota :)

First Group of 2016

Not a bad group, pretty good actually... I think I'd calmed down by the time I got to group because its a nice break in the week and although its group, its also a social outlet for me, since well my social life is pretty much non-existant....

I may be back to SD 2nd week of Feb, we shall see about that...

Also I have never been looking forward to a doctors appointment more than I'm looking forward to seeing my ENT on thursday.... my ears totally need to be cleaned out, stupid hearing aids.... and oddly I can tell its a few weeks over 6months, at least I think I can, because I feel like my right ear definitely has more blockage than it should... someone should invent hearing aids that dont cause impacted ear wax... totally someone should do that...

Reality...

You know, my reality, its terrible... well not terrible its some other adjective I cant quite pull from the ether right now.

I'm here, alone, as always, I haven't even gone to do grocery shopping this weekend. I was going to do it today, but I just dont feel like it anymore. The past month or so has been a bit weird for me, but as of this morning I'm back down to my normal reality. I slept a full 8+ hours last night, and I'm no longer sick, its been a while since that's happened. Sleep has always been my refuge from my mind. Yet today or last night and today, with the exception of the 4th quarter last night, that was nuts. I started watching Chasing Life, because well I figured it would be real in the way other things arent. Like sci-fi and action and any other number of mystery/thriller genre of entertainment I generally gravitate to it isnt. Its more along the lines of the 13 reasons book I read maybe 2 years ago. It gives a good mirror to reality, not that I've ever had cancer and I do understand that my mental instability isnt the same thing its a more accurate mirror than other things. What I find sad about the show probably isn't what others find sad, though I'm not sure about that. Anyway what I find sad about the show is the fact the family functions through the dysfunction, they rally, come together and are supportive. I look at my family and thats not exactly how things have ever worked. I think watching this how nice it may have been if my family had been there, or really not there but differently there. I'm not quite right, never have been, and unlike many families mine dragged me to therapy early. I've been in therapy since 5th grade, but the first time I saw a therapist was a year earlier. So I suppose I'm not in as bad a place as I could have been. Support is relative to the people and the situations. I think back and this is likely not going to make sense in the least but my family didnt do anything. Like not really, not like as a family, or maybe I'm fantasizing about how other people are. But we drove to Jersey every summer for a long time to AC to see family and walk the boardwalk. Those were good, but they were missing what I see other people have had, they were missing family... Now I've felt for a long time that I was born at an awkward time for my family as a whole. There are no relatives my age, my sister and one other cousin are 3 & 4 years younger respectively, it falls off sharply from there with most being at least 8 years younger. Conversely on the other side of the family, there are no cousins, there are my Dad's cousins who were closer in age but they were all older, The youngest was 8 years older than me... I'm in this weird dead zone generationally. That coupled with the fact I'm well I'm kinda weird, that didnt bode well did it? Didnt turn out exceptionally well either. I dont have friends, as I've said many many times.... I have a lot of acquaintances, some friends but no FRIENDS... those people you trust and talk to and can be completely yourself with without fear of reprisal... doesnt exist for me. Perhaps a couple people could handle but I cant take the chance, mostly because they dont understand how bad bad can be. I dont know how to sustain friendships, its weird, I predominantly feel with someone I consider a friend that my investment is more than theirs, and there is a lack of reciprocity. Which is likely some  of my own fault, but I dont know how to change that. Weirdly I both like and dislike my current mood, like because its familiar and its oddly relaxing but not calming but relaxing, I have no better description. Dislike it because its familiar and its likely to come with those deep valleys eventually. Reality in these kinds of moods is very clear, there are no rose colored lenses, or hopes and dreams, what is is. If you hadnt guessed I'm just writing as I think since this post has no structure or real point. These tend to get long, but they do help sometimes. Not today I dont think, but maybe if I re-read at some point.

Here's the thing, I've been avoiding retreat for the past month, because I thought maybe there was a glimmer of maybe something getting better. But today, today I see its not really true. I'm still me, I'm still alone, I'm still hopelessly flawed and broken and bruised and really not someone anyone should be around for any length of time.... and thats what it is.. I just have to try to accept that again, then I wont feel so bad... because I do, I feel crappy today.... and I didnt feel crappy yesterday... thats how it goes right? Maybe we'll be there again some day, maybe next month, maybe not. Depends on how low this one goes I suppose.... maybe its just a stumble, I dont know. I dont like not knowing... its draining...

One more thing several hours later (7p)... I have things, I buy things because well no real reason other than it was something to do for me and I dont do for me... anyway I like giving it away, especially when the recipient likes it.... I kind of wish that I liked things others give me sometimes, but I don't, its very rare... I think because I want to be surprised and want it to be something... like also I'd like to be able to be asked for something, give it and feel appreciated for it.... and I just dont...

Ok I just got off the phone with my mom, and I enjoyed the conversation, I think possibly because she's the only human I've spoken to this entire weekend, but it was nice... (8:15)

Patriots Win!!

It was great seeing the gnag back together, Edelman really brought it all together. Brady, Gronk, Edelman and even Amendola all back making it happen.

Ok I'm a Steelers fan for the day tomorrow, all my local peeps should be happy about that! Then I'll see them in Foxboro, ahhh PITvNE games are always enjoyable.

Score!!

I did it, I got the cast iron stove moved to the corner so the bookshelf fixes now!! Woot! Didnt get hurt or break anything either. :)

the bookshelf is a tad skewed though but i'm not taking it apart to fix it, nope... but its done and I've got 2 organized shelves and one mixed shelf done with 2 bottom shelves left, one of which contains a few boxes, need to make a Doctor Who section....

An assortment of thoughts...

So today, sad that Alan Rickman died however it provided an interesting exchange with my neighbor at work. I asked if she heard that he died, she said she didnt know who he was. I said yes you do, you just dont know it, have you seen Die Hard (no), Harry Potter (no), Galaxy Quest (no), uhh Dogma (no)... so ok how about I show you his picture..... a few mins later she says oh yeah I know who he is, he was in Love Actually why didnt you mention that one... apparently, per her, the only Sci Fi or Action movie's she's seen are the ones with Keanu Reeves, so her reference for those genres are Point Break, Speed and The Matrix... but curiously not Bill & Ted.... perhaps you had to be there but it provided both of us with a chuckle today.

Sadly after that my stress levels skyrocket around 11-12 when the CA team rolls into the office and starts stirring things up and making statements seemingly out of nowhere that cause me more work, that needs to be done immediately of course, because telling me this WEEKS ago was apparently not high on the priority list... sure its not like i'm not working on 4 tracks for this global project and some other accessory items, i have plenty of time!! ugh!

And it was kind of a lonely day again at work, with the exception of my morning conversation with my neighbor... my other coworker was in an all day meeting and i dunno, the only good thing was today went by pretty fast, this is actually the slowest point in the day since i have a half hour between the last meeting and my last meeting at 6...

In other random news, I finally figured out last night why Caity Lotz looked familiar when I saw her in Arrow, she was the machine in The Machine... which I think I mentioned seeing here when it came out, I'd have to look... but I liked that move, also I didnt see Ex Machina because I liked that movie and it seemed like the same movie just redone with a larger budget.... still on the fence about seeing that... and The Room is actually playing down at the Waterfront Lowes this weekend, but not at Cinemark, they're doing construction and I really hate when they do that because bridges....

Okay thoughts

Okay, I'm feeling a bit strange. Like lonely, but like not lonely more like wanting interaction. I dunno, I used to be so good at just dealing but ever since I started to try a little its harder. Like now my coworker asks to go grab lunch with me, yeah we're both slightly workaholic and so we bring lunch back to our desks and work but its something right? Breakfast too but I've been grabbing that on the way in since I've been having early morning meetings too.

Here's the thing, its kind of highlighting the fact that I really have no friends. Sure Kim and Lamar but its not like a friend friend, local friend. Actually I have no friends like I've been thinking, like someone to shoot the shit with but without having to worry about how honest I can be. Make sense? I'm hoping its just a combination of group having been on hiatus for a few weeks and also the I seem to be returning to normal mood levels. Could also be that its that time of the month, well ending that time of the month but still...

Also this is my little spot to vent or whatnot, so having felt slightly guilty about the banality of the past few posts I've decided was unwarranted. Thus I'm going to ignore it.

Gotta love it

You have to love the days when its in the single digits in the morning with below zero wind chills and it doesnt get out of the teens, espeically when those days come with meetings scheduled back to back to back save an hour from 8:30 to 6pm.

But I did use that hour to grab a powerball ticket, so there's that.

Snow!

First real snowfall of the season, and first snowfall of 2016 came today. So today didnt start off terribly, got to the office, seemed like everyone was WFH, it was like less than an inch of snow, I live in Pittsburgh, it happens every year. Of all the places I've lived which get snow, Pittsburgh is the most ill equipped to deal with it.

Anyway today was supposed to be an easy day, no morning meetings meant I got a bunch of stuff done. Then, the Carlsbad team got to the office at their time and frankly it was like all hell broke loose. I have not been this frustrated in a while, and not yet this year with the ridiculousness that occurs when developers only half read requirements and code like it. Its SOO frustrating, requirement says X they code Y, you know because its close enough... ok deep breath, i'm not going there again, but goddamn it was frustrating.

Added a new toy to my shelf at work, its a pretty nice little shelf if I do say so... decent cross section of the things I like.. Marvel is missing though, Groot is actually hanging on the wall of my cube on a T pin... because he's top heavy and it looks cool...

Anyway I was looking through old pictures last night and I saw my Sophomore Year picture, its probably one of the best pictures, actually Freshman and Sophomore are, which is somewhat odd considering I think i was the least stable during those years... I did remember though I smiled in my Sophomore picture because I'd already decided, and it was to be a nice last picture... crazy right? Strange things that pop into your head sometimes....

Baby its cold outside

Winter is here, the forecast has 6 of the next 10 days with a high below freezing. I ordered mover thingies so i can move the stove, hopefully.

I pre-ordered JB's Arrow Season 2.5 for the Dark Archer. I've discovered that if I get the whole story in one shot comics are much better. There's little meat in one issue, IMO, so all together much better.

Had a thought/decision about this blog, I'm going to do something daily at least for the month. So you'll get days like this with little substance and all filler...

My Ring's Loose

So my ring has been loose for about a week or so now... maybe a bit more, but since I was switching or more accruately putting the dryer through round 2 i weighed myself on the way back... i'm at 375... I *know* I'd been up to 400 again... I wasnt even trying, actually my habits have been atrocious since the whole back and forth to Carlsbad.... weird.... unless of course I've lost this much being sick, though I doubt it it wasnt anything that stopped me from eating, though i did have soup all week for lunch because it felt best for my throat/chest.... just weird... not that i've lost but how much...

So my lowest when I was keeping track last year was 363... so I'm not too far off that now, 12lbs... hmmm

.

So, its Sunday night and I have literally not seen another human being all day. I have no idea where the neighbors were, potentially they were all sleeping off last nights win by the Steelers, though I'm just speculating.

Its weird, I did a little additional cleaning today. And I almost want to, if not to just keep myself busy. My alternative to that is to continue to play tetris to fill the time. I tried to start GoT but it didnt grab me, so I instead started the 3rd book in the Women of the Otherworld series. But still something is kind of missing. And its strange. Like I've honestly never had friends that I've been able to just on a whim hang out with and be totally me with... I'd kind of like that. But I'm doubtful of its reality. I'm guarded, always. Also who am I, like if I even learn those skills who am I?

Craziness

So, last night was nuts. NUTS. I kind of wondered if that was really an NFL playoff game or some kind of weird I dont even know what. Unfortunate side effect KC got sent to Foxboro, so we'll have a tougher game but still, I think we can handle it. Also for purely selfish reasons of being a Patriots fan living in Pittsburgh I'd like to see both us and them win so we can rumble, because I kind of love the harassment that gets given and I take when we meet in the playoffs.

Also a BILLION DOLLAR JACKPOT on Wednesday?!

Woah

Sweet Mother I've had a productive day, and its only 4! Walmart for general stuff that was missing, check! Half Price Books for more books, Check! Grocery, Check! Powerball, Check! Bring the fly-wheel bike to the basement, check! Put together the bookshelf, Check! AND I managed to remember to put the chicken in the crock pot!

However I'm a tad sweaty now which we all know I dislike. So I'm taking a break and writing this. You know there are definite advantages of being 5'3 and having the bookshelf you're building be like 6', do you know what it is? Its that you can assemble it on the ground, dont put teh backing on and stand it upright while stepping through it without fear of hitting your head... possibly everyone could do that but whatever. Only problem? I underestimated my ability to budge the gas fireplace in the corner, its wrought iron, i know i know, but i thought i could at least move it against the wall, its sitting kitty corner... and no its not hooked up, never has been previous owners put it on the opposite end of teh room to the gas line, which yeah that was dumb of them and I didnt feel like hooking it up. Now I gotta move it, its heavy! I'll figure something out, righ tnow the shelf is sitting at the end of the entertainment center and i threw a sheet over it in hopes to discourage the cats from climbing, because that'd be a disaster....

First Work Week of 2016 has ended

Woo its FRIDAY, actually its technically Saturday because I wanted to finish the book I was reading so I'm a bit tardy in my Friday check in.

Anyway... today started off interestingly. I walk into work, the guard literally cringes when he sees me walk in. Now the guy is new, I live in Pittsburgh and I'm from Massachusetts so my Patriots hoodie may have thrown him off. But it got better, and keep in mind I've been wearing this hoodie since the weather turned to fall, I get into the elevator. One guy gets in after me, immediately asks me how much money I lost on the bet, you know because Pittsburgh. So that was my amusing start to the day. I feel like Pittsburgh is already afraid and its our bye week.

Also much to my chagrin and the amusement of my coworkers my voice is still as hoarse as it was yesterday. Maybe hopefully by Monday I'll be back to normal. Also I met some new people this week, on the phone at least, so when I'm back to normal they wont recognize me. However one of my co workers, with whom I've had at least 4 calls with since Wednesday. We spoke had about a half hour meeting to polish up a dashboard report and then we ended our little meeting gave ourselves 5 minutes before the next call. I call into the next call and she no longer recognized my voice, I had literally spoken with her 5 minutes earlier and I didnt magically change in that time. That however made me laugh which lead to a small coughing fit, but it was kind of worth it.

My friend Kim picked up my prize from the CW office downtown today. Oh yeah I won a contest for a season of one of their shows. In this contest thing I know they asked your preference, mine was Arrow, then Flash then Supernatural.. what show's season set did I end up with... Vampire Diaries. Now I've seen the show, but its not a show I want to watch every week, its like a filler show if nothing else is on.... oh well its free and there's always ebay.

If you wanted to know what book I was reading it was Stolen by Kelley Armstrong. I read Bitten over the holiday break, it came in my horror block. Now its not my usual genre for books. But I like them, and more over I like the writing. I knew I'd like Bitten by page 2 because the writing was vivid and engrossing. I rarely read a series, but I think I'll keep going with these.... probably stop at half price books tomorrow. I know I could do an e book but there is still something about a physical paper bound book that is nicer. And when I fly I always prefer paperback to digital, not that I flew anywhere with Stolen, its Bitten I used for flying and I only took it because I didnt want an ebook and I needed a read.... good choice on my part!

Thursday, as a post title its not terribly creative

Its Thursday, I bet you are shocked and amazed, dumbfounded in awe by that fact!

Yeah I had no better intro, but it is Thursday and the Blacklist is back tonight, so there's that.

My right hand is cold, the cold so it mildly hurts. Why don't i just warm it up you ask? Because 1, I'm stubborn and 2 it doesn't really hurt that much yet. When it cold hurts then I'll warm it up. OK why is it so cold, well the answer to that is I'm STUBBORN and the heat is set at 64. So its pretty much 64 in the house and possibly as low as 60 in the corner i'm in right now. The thermostat is in a brilliant location by a register so. Now you think I should turn the heat up, no, no. I'm from New England, like any self respecting New Englander I don't heat the house too much then it'd feel way colder outside. Also you're tal..reading from the girl who successfully didn't turn her heat on until 2016! Yep yep I made it all the way, oh wait no damnit no I turned it on before I left for Texas because some cold nights were forecasted I think... aww damnit. Next year... Actually November 1st is the acceptable day to turn the heat on, I was trying to stretch because it was so nice. If you're wondering Heat goes off April 1st no matter what.. well thats the goal, there was that year that there was a snowstorm and it stayed on through the first week of April but we don't talk about that.

Ok this has been fun, and I'm sure you've thoroughly enjoyed reading about how much of an environmental masochist I can be. Also per my co workers my voice hasn't improved but I felt like I sounded better... must be because the coughing has subsided substantially. OK, I'm off!

Hoarse

I sound TERRIBLE today, good thing I no longer sing or do anything that requires speech, other than hours and hours of meetings... Let me assure you I feel SOOO much better, like 100x better than I did the beginning of the week, but this happened today and I found it funny. I passed my boss in the hallway & asked a question. He turned around, took a step backwards; away from me, then asked are you sick before answering my question. Not only that but I was asked on a couple calls today if I was working from home because I sounded so bad (I wasnt, except for the late calls).

Also I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but in general the amount of scratches and scabs is a decent litmus test for how I'm doing mentally... funny thing is lately I have more than usual but I'm fine. So thats strange, I had figured that the eczema was helping in lessening that, peeling off dead skin doesnt have quite the same something as ripping off a really good scab but it fills the void rather well I think. Also its totally less conspicuous (in my opinion) than the whole scratch, scab, pick thing.. i can count on one hand the people who knew where the scars on my arms came from that I was unable to convince they were just mosquito bites... but the eczema it leaves no trace, skin's already dead...

And it IS winter, officially. A coworker and I walked out of the building today and remarked about how nice it was, it was 44, then immediately realized what we did. Its sad when it gets to that point in the year when 40s are nice weather. And whats funnier still is its only been super cold the last 2 days 20s/30s but thats all it takes to skew your perspective on what warm is.

Brrrr

Its downright cold, and if the forecast didnt have it in the 40s tomorrow and 50s over the weekend I may have updated the thermostat to the dead of winter setting of 68, but for now we remain at 64.

Should not have jinxed myself about normal day tomorrow, because I now have a meeting 6:30-7 with people who I wonder can end the meeting on time. Here's hoping. Also one of the directors asked me if I was going out to Carlsbad on the 10th, now the 10th is a Sunday so either he was talking about next week or next month.... we shall see, my boss is OOO on business this week so if I need to go lets hope I dont find out on Friday, but if i do thats likely when I'll find out. Now this job when I got it had like 10% travel as a possibility, we'll be heading over that if last years pace continues this year.... but air miles, right? and hertz points and SPG points... I'll figure out what to do with those :)

A Symphony of Colds

Yup thats what work sounded like today, I briefly contemplated NOT putting my hearing aids in... thats the up side, if its too noisy or you have a headache you can actually turn the volume down on the world, its magic.

Long day back though, I do so love getting in to 410 unread emails and having meetings from 8:30 through til 6pm its spectacular i tell you, SPECTACULAR. Wednesday looks promising for a normal day and no at home California meetings, then again, its not Wednesday yet, plenty of time to load up the meetings. I was slightly happy though that one of my meetings this week with the Carlsbad folk is at 10am which means 7am their time ha! but seriously, I would rather stay late than get up early. I've done the 6am meetings with Europe, really I am not a morning person. Also I prefer not do the 12 hours of meetings either spanning the globe, then again thats occurred too, but thats 2015 right? Onto 2016!

The animals though were clearly unpracticed in the art of me getting home around 3:30 and promptly getting on my computer and calls because they were trying to annoy me. And Twix, he was actively trying to get in trouble after i told him he couldnt lay on my laptop or my shoulder while i was working. Seriously he looked at me while trying to get a rise out of me, that boy!

Tomorrow I get to be access queen again and straighten everyone's sheets out. You'd think sometimes that the DBA working on the project would be faster than me at that stuff, but no. Sometimes I do wish I didnt let it be known that I can do things.... then I end up doing things... I need to work on my skills of acting dumber than I am this year.

One other thought I had today, mental illness is kind of like a secret identity. Not the heroey super awesome kind but the kind you want to be kept away from everyone else in your life nonetheless. That is why/how I'm relating to Oliver Queen/Arrow so much.

OK so... post of the new year thats not me being a raving lunatic. Check!

Dear Brain

Christine would like more than 5 hours of sleep tonight so could you kindly allow her to fall back asleep?

Sincerely,
Christine's more rational side.

Thank you

Last day of Vacation

Technically I suppose its just Sunday and Wednesday was the last day of vacation vacation, but thats semantics right?

I feel much better today, the only thing concerning is the slight rattle in my chest so I'm hoping it didnt migrate from my throat/sinuses to my chest because as we all know she with asthma doesnt do well with a chest cold.... and I've already had several coughs today that went through and my back is slightly sore.... here's hoping

Found the thermal hoodie that I use as a liner for my Pats hoodie woot. Also the pats lost, which is a bummer, hopefully SD can hold onto their lead, that'd be awesome....

Watching Arrow eps watching S2 E22/23 and in the clock tower broken window/glass all I can see now is a Dalek... well the mirakuru army was trying to exterminate....

So onto my actual thoughts today, i was thinking about that article Em shared about telling more people about your mental illness and here's the thing. I do it but, I do it with the intention of driving people away. .Honestly its like my move to get people to back off.... its like you corner me and I'll lash out, just what kind of lashing out you get depends on you and/or the situation. Back me into a chair and hover over me yelling, i pull my legs up and kick you away, unfortunately you break your wrist (sorry mom), i was 10.... or your an adult and corner me in my cube and I yell louder than I should at work to get the fuck out of my face, though that did stop you from being a bulling bitch ha.. or you're just making me uncomfortable or trying too hard, or hard?, and I lead off with hey yeah I"m fucked up, damaged, you know i've been in the looney bin and have been in therapy for longer than anyone should be also I've tried to kill myself more than once, thanks have a nice day.... that usually does the trick... so ummm perhaps thats not the best way to share? Occasionally, no infrequently, no super rarely, whats the better superlative to super rare here? Anyway someone doesn't turn tail and run and they stick around, now it does take me a while to believe it but it is nice.... so I could probably do it better, but really how do you judge who to trust? and what the hell kind of topic am i? sometimes i think i should come with a weird instruction manual...

so I'm going to seriously consider this advice "All that failure needs is a person frightened of realizing their potential. Trying takes guts. So let other people help you. And when they do… listen to them. Don’t rush. Don’t nervously mutter “yeah” after everything they say. Listen. Take your time. Leave the room without any regrets." - SA

also I was going to migrate this all over to WP because basically its here for my own laziness but then it wouldnt be as anonymous.... anonymity here is basically the reason I can continue it, that and its all no index no followed you know that helps too.... cant have people stumble upon this, you never know the reaction or overreaction or what would happen... therefore it stays

Still Saturday Right?

yup, yes it is... i actually feel better today with the exception of my still sore throat, headache and fever are gone, yippee... so glad Erica was wrong about a week but that could be the throat and not the overall shitty feelingness of it

anyway, as i was making dinner i realized that i have 13 days to do the one thing i loathe more than anything else work related, performance reviews... i hate them, i cannot express enough how much i hate them... they're a waste... if you want to evaluate me do it your damn self.. i hate them hate hate hate... ugh hate... HATE... self assessments are terrible, i dont want to do them, what do i say, hey yup i did my job, yup even though i'm assigned to a boat load of extra crap nobody else is my job still got done, though IMO it would have been done more efficently if those other things werent in play, but you know what can i do about it?

i just smudged my glasses, grrr... does anyone else hate when they do that? like i've been wearing glasses daily for like umm 25 years or so, maybe 23... hate that, then again i bit my tongue last week and i've had a tongue for 36 years so... eh

anyway... aubrey posted a pic of her and the kids at the zoo... she has little humans, fully formed little humans who can carry a conversation, granted they're still in school but fully formed nonetheless. Like they walk talk think etc... anyway i still havent spoken to an actual person since i got back on Thursday? no Wednesday... yeah wednesday... anyway what does that say about me? it says i'm super super terrific at not letting people in, and also pushing them away... this should be a super power, no it is my super power.... a friend posted a link to an article on the mighty about wishing to tell more people about your mental illness... and while I agree with some of it, most of it, i dont think i can do it... people know, some, but how do you choose? trust if you hadnt noticed isnt high in my skill set... also from there i stumbled upon to a sort of new years resolution list for mental illness... and its pretty good... 5-9 are anyway, the rest are meh

so... what if i start using this not just for a place to vent out thoughts or feelings or whatever is occupying my brain for an inordinate amount of time or urgency? what if i used it more often for whatever instead of just crap? what if.... we shall see... i dont have group for another week since she's out but maybe... also i have not yet broken into my work email, which i swear is a record....

one last thing, im kinda glad i got sick, knocked me back to somewhere closer to normal slightly above actually depressed... you know where i usually spend my time..

Sick

I tried denying it but I totally caught whatever Erica had. Went to bed @8 now I'm up again because I'm hot, maybe fevers breaking and it'll be better tomorrow..... ugh

2016

So the new year has arrived, in 1.5 hours the new year will have arrived on the west coast as well. I have been thinking about an entry for today for the past couple hours.. but first a random thought.. Its 2016, so does that mean the new millenia is old enough to drive, and if so what kind of car is it driving? This just popped into my head and i want answers

Now that thats done, today (being 12/31 because today 1/1 is barely started) I went to B&N bought the second book in the series I read over the TX portion of my vacation. I forget if I've mentioned what it was it was Bitten, it was in my Nerd Block Horror Block Grab Block... I vaguely knew of the Syfy show since it was after Haven but never really watched it. Honestly werewolves and vampires arent typically my genre, well the recent variety. Buffyverse era stuff is perfectly acceptable as is the Underworld Series & Blade. OK anyway.... I picked it up for the trip basically because there wasnt anything else in physical book form to take with. Now I have an e-reader app, both varieties with ebooks at the ready, I just prefer while travelling to have a physical book in hand. I may have said it before but I prefer the book book to the ebook 9/10 times. Ebooks are okay, and they're convenient but I still read both The Stand and Under the Dome in the physical versions, though the e-versions would have way better portability.. ok where was I? Oh today, so I get that, picked up Dalek Sec on the way out and the new Dilbert Desk calendar, i'm hoping its better than the 2011 one that was kinda eh, and was the last year I got one.... Also Giant Eagle to use the gc, did this all since they're next to each other and I loathe the Giant Eagle thats up at Settlers Ridge, its huge, its unweildy and yes it has some great stuff but its less than practical and i just i dont like it. Also went to Arby's on the way back, felt like curly fries its been a long while, they were cold by the time i got home...

So I got home, ate than took a nap.  A NAP!! I haven't napped in a few weeks, or 2 or 1 or I dont know yet i think 2... i'd check but i'm lazy... anyway i also slept 8 hours last night. The nap and the sleeping were undoubtedly assisted by the fact that I didnt hook up the cpap when I got home so the sleep was likely less than adequate despite the length..

Woke up... dicked around online and watched some tv i'd recorded that i hadnt gotten to yet, i vaguely paid any attention...

Then I made dinner and caught up on some SA stuff, I really do admire him, its weird only beacuse I admire him more like Kevin Williams than some random person I dont actually know. Kevin if I hadnt mentioned it was my neighbor and I'd classify as peripheral friend, our sisters were close. Anyway he and another guy from HS and the music dept crowd are doing well for themselves in LA, they're musicians and have worked with JT. I say this because I think i posted about it I'm really happy for them, like I bought the 20/20 just because they were a part of it. I liked enjoying in and participating in my small way to their success. This will totally make sense I think. Anyway, this is how i feel about SA, like I bought S 1-3 of Arrow on DVD in the same way I got 20/20. I've watched them, I dont *need* them but its a bigger game there, small contribution yes but a contribution nonetheless. Something I'd have done had I made the discovery earlier with any of the campaigns he's run, but more likely sinceriously. So there's that, also I stumbled upon his blog, which I enjoyed. He's not changed from the beginnings insofar that he's got an exceptional capacity for being generous with his fans. Its really refreshing, kind of refreshing like working at TFS where they treat you like an adult and not a dependent who needs constant supervision.

No idea how much sense I'm acutally making... I'm also killing time because I have an hour til the west coast new year is here to wish it to those friends, really Aubrey.

In addition; after reading said blog I do find it had some sage advice peppered throughout. The overriding theory was be comfortable with who you are, in your skin; truth is always better than bullshit and unless you push yourself you wont succeed. I particularly liked this quote

There’s only one thing that can actually stand between you and what will make you truly happy within your profession. Everybody knows what it is; some people just don’t want to face up to it.

 I would submit that that same something can stand between you and living your life.

So at the risk of actually having a new years resolution which i *never* do, I think I'm going to try. I don't try, because its safer to not try. Like at work, I dont try, as much as I'd like to say I did I dont. I know I dont, its like when mom asked me last week who taught me all the computer stuff I know. The answer is nobody, I taught myself. But That even felt kind of like a lie, I dont really know, I didnt formalize any education in anything I work at. My formalized educational experience is still immortalized in the 1998 entries I added here. And really that wasnt fun, especially because I like learning.

What I'm going to try at shall remain unnamed, so this isnt really a resolution but more of a idea... right?