Winding down

2017 is now less than 2 hours away... you know I was thinking... it'd be nice to have people, but I think at this point its just not a skill I possess, whether that be grounded in my skepticism of people's true intentions, lack of trust or whatnot not sure its something I can do... which still again makes me wonder what the point of me is... like there is no real reason for me to get up in the morning, the reason I get up in the morning most days is simply to go to work... literally... 2 days left... then back to work... do you know what i dread about going back to work, people asking how my vacation was and what did i do... typical normal questions I know but nothing and nothing arent the answers people are looking to get...

Officially the last day of the year

Its almost 1:30 am on NYE... wasted the day again... I'm excellent at the day wasting...

Its funny

I took several 2 hour naps today, and didn't do a goddamn thing but I'm feeling better... I did talk to my dad, he got his birthday gift but it was improperly packaged and damaged so that was super irritating... but anyway.. yup I'm calm again... can't say i'm happy or less depressed or less lonely... but I am calm again... which does feel better than how I felt earlier today...

Making myself anxious

Literally, I haven't felt this anxious for a sustained amount of time in a long long while... I ended up going to bed at like 8ish and sleeping almost til noon... and I feel like the anxiety started when I went to sleep, does that even make sense?

The whole new ho insurance policy thing is worrying me... i dont wan tan inspection i dont want people in my house, i do wonder if they can do exterior only... my house is a fucking disaster... I dont even I cant even tell you... maybe its not as bad as I think it is but its pretty damn bad... trust me...like I think maybe I could clean enough but then its overwhelming... and I cant... I just I dont know what to do... and nobody has called to make dinner plans which at this point if they did I"m not sure I'd attend... and I won 2 movie tickets I cant make myself get up and go there, its free damnit...

I just I want it to stop... all of it... and oddly I dont even know what it is anymore... also you know my isolation is pretty much self imposed but its a necessity... besides nobody would stick around if I actually let them in, so why should I bother... history is a teacher... right?

I got the Team Amell hoodie today, have it on actually... it was chilly this morning... and well thats all for that it was nice.... Stephen wrote a holiday post today which was nice and it really did give me a moment of relief and calm but it didnt last long... I just.... I shooed Fenway away so I could write... he was being a good cat and insisting on staying but I needed to vent... and now Trinity is taking the opportunity to stare me down to get me to take her out, rightfully so... so I should go do that... my stomach is a flutter with the anxiety that happens like almost never... its a tad unnerving...

Its one of those days and its only 3:30 am

I just dont feel like sleeping, thats weird right? Like I'm pretty damn sure if i lay down I could fall asleep... I just I dont feel like it... I entertained myself mostly with cartoons, netflix justice league... and while it serves the entertainment purpose it doesnt do much else, which I kind of needed but now I want more... like it was a good brain break... now its working again... make of that what you will...

So I did a short tour of Michael Rosenbaum on Youtube, some Stephen Amell and now I'm watching some Smallville again... its weird or maybe not now that I have both Arrow and Smallville I tend to rewatch things that have spoken to me in some way... just watched Homecoming which served the lesson of not dwelling on the past and moving forward... sound like a familiar theme right? Like all of S5 so far; but its much easier said than done... because what does moving on and forward require, it requires trust, to some extent to move forward.. and its just something i am perennially in short supply of...

Also its totally trash day, i thought it was moved a day because of the holiday but when I took trinity out earlier 11ish; almost everyone had the trash out and i looked it up, i think its today; says it moves when the holiday falls m-f and technically the holiday was sunday though its observed on monday so I kind of think the trash is picking up in a few hours and I didnt put it out, I mean i dont have much to put out I eat sandwiches and thats a paper towel and I'm home so really not much in the way of trash generation... i have recyclable stuff to put out but whatever... but hey I did my errands got the stuff i needed; litter, dogfood, rock salt, misc groceries... also swung by bestbuy and got a chromecast, because neither youtube app lets me watch purchases on my other two devices, which is bullshit but whatever $35 is a small price for convenience and I dont care....

I do wonder sometimes if anyone reads these and is like what the fuck is she talking about... i type as i think or think and type its a whole very little in the way of filter from my brain to these words... now can i write more thoughtfully and cohesively, sure I can... but that takes effort, which I dont feel like expending unless I want to make a point and make it to people I know, like I did with the Robin Williams thing... also this track pad thing on my current laptop has gotten way more sensitive lately, and I cant figure out how to turn it off again, which is irritating...

Back to ramblings... Smallville Oliver is the same Oliver but less damaged... I like both but I totally like damaged Oliver more... or less repaired whichever it is, Hartley's Oliver had some lows but not quite like Amell's Oliver has... the latter of which is more relatable to me... the whole damaged, pushing away stuff I've mentioned beore... also btw Smallville's finale totally makes way more sense in context... I'd watched prior to moving here and just kind of dropped off and I know I watched the finale but totally more sense has been made since watching it through...

Also I'm 37 and basically I'm a weird child... I mean what's changed since I was sixteen? I pay all my bills now and actually live alone, instead of wherever, I mean going to work is just like going to school at least in terms of schedule and social interaction... of which I had none after school and none after work so basically I've been stagnant for 20 years... which is super depressing if you think about it... I've done zero with my life, my job could go on without me... I mean what do I contribute to the world? Nada, I mean really... I do still think if I exited prior to Ellie being conciously aware of me it'd be better for her.. oh and my stupid insurance comapny made it official today they wont renew my policy because the fucking driveway couldnt get fixed "in time" which is utter and complete bullshit... its a tiny driveway and getting it fixed is not an easy task as it falls to the bottom of the list because realistically there's little profit margin in it unless you exorbitantly overprice it which I just ignore you because thats fucking irritating... not that I dont get it, I do but not really worth it..

I'm totally just randomly brain to words here now this is how I think though jump around hey jump jump can you keep up? few can... whatever I think I've tortured you enough with this for now... I sense that its going to be more frequent before it subsides again... and there is still Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun and Monday left for me to be alone... thats 5 days, didnt I say 4 earlier? maybe I forgot what day it was... going back to not sleeping again... I'm thinking this episode then the finale and maybe the one before the finale then switch over to arrow and the hits I love ...

Did I mention, before I go that my code8 stuff got screwed up somewhere, I'm annoyed but totally chill about it, which is somewhat weird... because I got a ton of stuff, and I got literally the 4 least costly things I purchased... whateves... hopefully someone will get back to me by friday and if not by the new year, if not by then 2nd week if i'm around I'll remind... remind me kay? kay... ok saving and exiting and returning to the tv now....

And the hits keep coming

So Debbie Reynolds died now.... seems to have died of a broken heart, reportedly told her son that she wanted to be with Carrie... how sad, for that entire family....

Yet I still have my near annual existential pondering of what the point of me is... I mean why am I actually here? I have no friends, lets be real... I'm at that old dog stage where making friends is a trick I'm never going to master... I have to get that new insurance policy and I'm dragging my heels... I feel like crap... I do wonder... I thought earlier, I'm totally just waiting for Trinity...really how sad its totally easy as that... I love them all but... I dont know how much longer I can sustain me... There's the trope for superheroes that I abide by in that you dont let anyone in... i've said this before, plenty plenty of multitudes of times... and I just cant, even if I did, still dont trust people. I dont really believe there are people who are genuine and would really want to help out of friendship or a selfless kind of thing rather than pity or something else? What 4 days of vacation left? halfway through...

also, what if, what if I"m just a horrible human being and there really is nothing else to it... no mental problems just I'm a shitty human? hmmmm

Cartoons & Panels

Totally should have thought something was up and the other shoe was going to drop; last year/beginning of this year was just too good, for me at least... very atypical.... also probably slightly manic.... but I am rarely that way and its mild, ya know?

Anyway 2016 has been just rampaging through people... Carrie Fisher died... and the world is just turned to shit, i mean Donald fucking Trump is going to be the president...

I've resorted to youtube panels and cartoons to entertain me... started watching travellers which is good but in a dystopian future is on the way kind of thing.... but if you want entertainment go to youtube, do searches on john barrowman or michael rosenbaum and panel.... both of those guys are just guaranteed to make you laugh... stephen amell is good too but those two will have me crying more often... so tuesday's only just ended, still have wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun & mon to myself because I dont hold out hope either Kim or Lamar are going to follow through on the dinner .... I just dont see it happening... and you all know me I"m done trying to initiate something that people clearly have no real interest in making happen...

I should really go grocery shopping tomorrow but i really have one days worth of food left before that'd be a necessity and I need to cook the chicken i have finally thawed...

Post Christmas Update

Nothing new to report... the period ended.. and I've still not interacted with a human since Wednesday... I don't count the cashier at Walmart.....

Thats about it.... watching old shows n stuff... slept almost 12hrs today.... 7 days to go

Greetings of the Season

I'm on day 2.5 of Christmas Vacation, with 10 days to go... I've done absolutely nothing, and I have one of those miserable periods going on right now, its like hey you're not going to work lets fuck with you... yup you know those meme's about women's uteruses and periods, so totally happening right now...

Finished up my Smallville binge, is it really a binge when its just replacing rerun city during normal days and just doing that when you're home and basically stuck til the tides stop flowing.... or at least subside....

So what else? Won 2 fandango tickets, thats cool.... getting my represent orders trickling in... the raglans are super comfy/soft i may never buy a tshirt again if  those are an option.... code 8 lucky postcards arrived but nothing else; also nothing else in the usps dash that would indicate anything else is coming, so I emailed them... hopefully I'll get a reply...

New garage door opener is in the garage, but still needs to be installed... though I am getting more efficient at the manual operation of the garage door lol..

This is what happens the end of the year

Everything needs to be let out... I was okay by the time monday rolled around, it was good that it was busy back to back meetings will do that... and group was good it was more a social session than anything its good to have those every once and a while.. I have tomorrow off, home depot never called about the garage door opener, and there's probably over 2" of snow on the ground by now could be more, not sure when it stopped snowing or if its stopped yet.. heavy wet snow too... hopefully either Aprile or Dana come through with a referral then i'll just go buy the opener itself and get it installed... i cant do the manual door thing all winter thats going to get SUPER annoying...

I read Stephen's post again tonight, its just really good advice, its just hard to execute. Its the whole trusting people enough thing that gets in my way... And I've been thinking about it lately, I know it crosses my mind every so often and this isnt necessarily different but with the whole Trump fiasco and my unwillingness to subject anyone to me what exactly am I doing here? I got tix to HVFF Sept 2017; and i have the premiere package for when code 8 comes out; but man alll the wind that was in my sails last year has evaporated. Aubrey was probaby right saying I was manic and it wasnt anything but. Also you know I hear of people being admitted for stuff and I wonder since I never am does it mean its not as bad for me, I can handle it, if thats true is it real? Wonder that a lot, I've tried to kill myself at times, never got hospitalized. First one got sentenced to multiple sessions a week; another one not sure if its really i just didnt care and i took enough nyquil that day to knock a cow out, which coincidentally i am; regardless just slept for quite a long time but other than that eh; the time I was hospitalized I'd been fired, I'd already been tumbling down the depression road and had made an appt with one of my old shrinks and it was still at the time I carried a bottle of whatever i could get my hands on to check out with should I ever have the need I always had it on me... now I dont think I took anything but I may have, I honestly dont remember and I remember shit; but I do remember the ER and the hospital thinking my BP and heart rate were wonky so maybe I did; but then that was Friday - Sunday I think, could have been thurs night - sunday not sure... anyway that was the only time and I had a report from the asshole of a shrink there who basically chalked everything up to me being a teenager (i was 19) ... also asshole because he fucking WOKE ME UP the first day i was there, in the morning all I wanted to do was sleep... anyway... then a few years ago as evidenced in entries from 2011? I had a serious breakdown again and by all rights probably should have been hospitalized but I wasn't... so maybe its just not as bad or not the same? I dont know... is it real? again questions that i ask myself that never really get answered...

Its been a while....

Life, well life is sucky... garage door opener broke, couldnt fix it, needs to be replaced waiting on home depot to set up the appointment; the pipe in the garage is leaking again... the driveway isnt fixed; need to switch insurance companies to deal with that, project at work is terrible, interesting but terrible

I tried getting myself something to look forward to, but I kind of dont care at the moment... you know i'm alone, i know i'm alone and i cant change that; my issues are mine, as much as i'd like help is not anyone elses problems... i cant allow them to get involved because if they do and even if i'm grateful for it it wont last, it cant last... and thats just how it is...

Life is cruel in that i'm around, taking up space and its a waste; total waste....