Back to reality

The weekend's over and its back to the grind tomorrow morning... I've got a twinge of anxiety about it.... today its like I finally wound down... like three days away from people was good, bu now i'm going back and there will be people and I still want to be alone, at least to some extent... never got to the movies but its not really the point right? I think about the things to do, i got the tickets to TX today, good deal on the sale fares... paid like $50 more for 3x upgraded seats than i would have paid had i got regular economy seats last week... thing is i'm not excited about anything... and there's this whole realization (somewhat) of the infinince of time and the minuscule period of it that I and everyone else exists in and also the finality and the uncertainty of death... its weird.. i'm curious about things i'll never experience, like the past and the future, but regardless of when or how i go its unlikely i'll ever experience any of it, because consciousness is such a seemingly anomalous thing.. i mean it cant be given the vastness of the universe, but in this little corner at least it seems to be... an what if we're the 'first child' so to speak... what is it all? its so much work to live, and yet its not its just routine, physically its all the same... even the fact that i've gained back everything i've lost... and that my experience will never be that of an average sized person or even an average person with friends and socializations and other typical trappings of society.... so why am i still here? the chaos of it all its so unpredictable

another holiday weekend

I was so done with everyone/thing on Friday... Nicolas and I ate lunch outside so that was nice... got me out of my irritation... and this weekend has just not been good... for a variety of reasons...I'm still feeling bleh and like I'd rather not anything... and Erica's having issues since Ryder's been in the NICU since he was born, he's got SVT (which considering our family history seems like it was bound to happen to someone) and he failed his hearing test, of which I'm not sure what that means for an infant, like is it like me since I'm pretty sure if i'd never cheated on hearing tests all through school I'd probably have failed long before 24 after a double ear infection.. it also still makes me question if i should go down... bit it also makes me feel shitty for feeling so shitty lately... I mean Erica, I'm not so sure she could deal with any more crazy right now, and i'm just walking crazy... so...

onto other things... i've been thinking about getting my hands/eczema looked at... its pretty bad this summer... more than usual, but then i think why... then it itches, and i procrastinate and its a vicious circle of procrastination, itchiness, annoyance and other things....

just need to write it out

so.. erica had ryder yesterday... and i'm hurt.... why you ask? well nobody told me when he was born... apparently i was left off of a text message...my uncle posted a picture of him on facebook before i knew and i waited to see if anyone would say anything... they didnt... this moring mom sent a text to keep him in your prayers since he's in the nicu with a rapid heartbeat... and yeah i get its chaotic having a baby and espeically when its not as planned, but i cant shake the fact that i feel ike i was intentionally left out... like i KNOW thats not the case right? can't be... and then again i cant shake it...

i basically heard nothing and since nobody told me i assumed nobody told dad and when erica finally replied o me it was i dunno annoyance that i told her i texted dad ... i dont know if i want to go in july anymore... i dont know if i can or if i should.... i'm a horrible person....

The Flash

Seemed anti-climactic tonight... and given my thoughts of late I wouldn't trust the public of Central City to be helpful... want to help or otherwise


I just want to crawl in a hole and hide

Musings on Monday

Yes I"m posting this at technically tuesday but whatever

I dont understand how people can be so forthcoming about how they actually feel... also when its not sustained over say a week, i'm talking consecutive days is it really worth it to bring it up? I dont think so... also I think when people say your friends will be there and whoever isnt isnt worth it... well i'm down to very few people as it is... so will it just reinforce it anyway when they all look at me like a crazy person or pity me or whatever?

Awake but tired

I'm awake and tired, her you hadn't figured that out from the title. Anyway I was thinking that people aren't forthcoming about their situation because if the mood hits hard and you're riding through it isn't it better to finish and get through than hash it out or make changes for it to maybe potentially be different later? I was watching something earlier and it said that, maybe I read it... Regardless of said that there's always someone who wants to help because they care. As much as I'd like to believe that I just don't believe it's true. Humans are horrible, judgy, bitchy, self important, superiorists. I don't believe that there are people who want to help and/or care without an ulterior motive.