So....

So.. I was feeling better the end of last week & thought I packed it away, but life is cruel. I'm going to bed but I wonder what I'm going to do, so much happening at once. But I don't want to fall into that trap, I don't think. So do I make a pdoc appt? Today's been okay, but I do kind of recognize that it can still slip.

some thoughts...

ok... some thoughts, i have not called for a pdoc appointment, though i did call for an intake appt at Margaret's new place... they were supposed to call back today... didnt...

also today was okay, better than the past few weeks at least... there was however minimal human interaction required, so that helped... yesterday i told aubrey how i was doing for advice on the whole do i or do i not call pdoc ... and as i was telling her it was like i had to stop because if i go there, what if the gates open and i cant close them again... cant be doing that, not with so much going on.. so i think its all packed away where it belongs again, now whether this is good or bad in the long run who's to say, but there's no point in breaking it down now with so much happening... i have been napping every day though after getting home, so its nice to be able to check out for a few hours and nap

here's the other thing... the question is has it just me being dramatic maybe it was all my period, i mean it was definitely intensified but is it my period that brings it or is it just intensifying whats already there under the surface? those are the questions that are hard to answer... and if i can power though it and get back to this state of okayedness is there really a problem, like really? like i'm ok, right now, i'm not thinking about killing myself or how to or whatnot, i'm not excited about anything but there's nothing overwhelming in my thinking... like last week when i was doing really bad i had my headphones on and you know just squeezed my neck a few times to remind myself... of what i'm not sure but it made me feel betterish to do it... which typing it sounds crazy but whatever

Its monday

So... today was okay... not bad but not good... also group, i kinda talked now i've been instructed to call the pdoc for an appointment... ugh i just want to avoid that and all ya know?

I suppose I should..... but ugh

superbowl

patriots won, i do kinda wish i was more invested in watching but i watched and they won... so there's that... maybe i actually say something at group tomorrow.... but i feel like im on steadier footing with 2 days away from people

weekend

did I miss yesterday? i think i did... it was an okay day... and today was okay too, comcast guy came and fixed my cable... had to do something outside, who knows

finally did some grocery shopping... yup thats about it... not much to tell really... i've mostly been chillin watchin the stuff i missed while my cable was out, but the DVR still works since its in the cloud... which was nice... and did a little reading.. compendium 1 i've made it to woodbury ... thats all she wrote for today, i hope i'm alive enough as in engaged and interested to watch the game tomorrow

another day...

so today was better than yesterday; mostly... fairly people interactiveless, which was good... had two meetings today with people I like so that also helped... my new mgr said something about the "scrum space" and thats like a hard NO for me... which makes me anxious..

then i get home... the fucking cable box broke again, and comcast is like we need to send a tech out to review... because why? I dont get it if the replacing the box fixed the problem 2 weeks ago, why would the problem recur if it was not the box having the problem... espeically since phone & internet are find and they're split off the same intake wire... I *HATE* having people in my house... even when it was clean I didnt like it... at least i can stream live tv... which softens the issue...

oh and after that i had a work call from 7-9 because people dont communicate nor do they seem to know how things work... i'm not as low as i was earlier this week but it feels so like there's gonna be a gotcha...

should have stayed

my inclination when i woke up this morning was to stay in bed; i didnt because its sometimes dangerous to just stay in bed, faster sinking etc... but i so dont want to deal with any people today.. and the talking today noise everywhere... bright side, i only have one other meeting today... but its for my new job with mostly new people so thats questionable how that'll end up going, i may be a tad irritable on account i dont feel like dealing with people...

update: the rest of the day was better, i had zero meetings after 1pm so the 3.5 hours without having to deal with people was much more preferred

so...

I originally told myself I should try to post weekly at least... because when i was posting regularly it was good, i was better whether there is a correlation there or not i dont know...

but how do you reconcile the ability to ignore yourself and let yourself be distracted and occupied with other things and the way you actually are thinking/feeling when you're not doing that? because lately when i'm not distracted i dont want to be.... i'm growing weary of everything... you know?

group is okay, good maybe.. but you know they want you to work on you... they claim i'm better than i was ... but i dont want people in my life... i dont, its easier to be alone and not in anyone elses life, when you're in other peoples lives its complicated, when you're not its less complicated... i kind of feel like crying and i haven't felt like that in a while ... fenway aside i dont know when the last time i cried was... its like i can see the spiraling but i want to ignore it so its not really real... right? what happens when i cant and it is real again? like this shit with work and group and all this stupid upheaval and unknowns are not making it any better...

fucking forgot a title when i published originally

You know, I am aware that not talking at group is basically tantamount to lying but as long as I can keep it together it doesn't matter what I'm thinking right?

But this work thing is totally stressing me out, i was just told that they want to do training in Tijuana... which I said would be hard since I don't have a passport... and I was just asked to find out how long that'd take... why the fuck do i need to go to Tijuana.. why cant the oh 2 people from that office come to the US and meet with the 30 or so US employees that makes no fucking sense... I'm not sure I want to... really my inclination is to just quit... and maybe just quit all together... like i know I'm maybe spiraling a bit but i liked to chalk last weekend up to my period but i know that's not totally the truth.. but it would be nice if it were... and i know that the whole RealID thing will make it so I'll need a passport since PA isn't switching to RealID til next year and my license doesn't renew for a few years after that and they're charging to renew with the updated licenses which is complete bullshit..

you know work was a good distraction, had been, and now this reorg stuff and this oh you need to go to TJ stuff just isn't cutting it to distract me from my brain and its not nice.. not nice at all... like right now i really want to leave and go crawl under the covers and hide the rest of the day... seriously...

also I'm in a meeting right now and trying to write this to and I'm irritated that they just asked me a question... and i just want to yell which is why I'm writing this... they are now asking more i need to pay attention but i don't want to... i want to go hide

Technically 2 weeks down...

I don't care... I find it really hard to really care about anything... I "watched" the Patriots game tonight and barely paid any attention.... mute the whole time... just it was on, yeah they won but it was just happening I didnt really care....

We got like 4" or so friday night... I didnt shovel.... partially because I didnt care, partially because I got my period and had some terrible cramps today... which I resorted to advil for... which I'm going to take again since they've returned...

New job at work which I dont know what to think about... I just I dont know... if I can just work, nothing else I can get through a day... like I went to happy hour and it was okay, it was good i suppose.. i'm not entirely sure, i'm also not sure what i think about my new job... it makes sense but is it lateral or upward? no idea.. and i care but i dont... and if they try to put me in a shared team space or move my chair that may be a dealbreaker... honestly the place i sit now is the best spot i've ever sat, its a window, which is nice but its also where nobody is behind me... my back is to the window so no behind you noise... and its almost like its a private corner... nobody really around me... i can put my headphones on if i want and just disappear... and if someone wants to talk to me they have to come to me... so i dont want to lose it...

i've been wondering if 40 is in the cards for me... its a whole 15 or so months away... can i do that? can i even make it to hvff... or code8... i want to but i'm not sure i care... also nephew in 5 months... i still wonder if both are better off if i'm gone before they remember me..

One Week down.... 51 to go...

I've been thinking about what I want to say for the past 7 days... I've thought about saying stuff then I don't... partially because I'm not sure I want to admit what I"m thinking and partially because I'm lazy and maybe I just don't care....

Easy stuff first... Christmas in TX was ok... I was disappointed that I didn't get a gift from Erica... like I know I didn't tell her anything I wanted but that's because generally I don't want anything... A card with a note like the one Aubrey sent would have been good... go her photocard when i got home which she totally mailed w/o a stamp yet it arrived anyway... Its weird, I don't care that I didn't get anything.... I care that its like it didn't matter... I wrapped a NOTE for Erica because I was notified her gift was arriving a day later than it should have so she could unwrap something... I'm a terrible sister for being annoyed right? I don't know... anyways... we took Ellie to the "Austin Aquarium" (which is located in a strip mall...) and she was adorable, her favorite was the stingrays... its perfectly toddler / really young kid sized... the new one's a boy and his name will be Ryder... which I find a really weird choice for the two of them, but alas its final, they even got an embroidered Christmas stocking already... overall it was a good/okay trip, nothing special... wait not nothing, I got a free first class upgrade on the first leg of the trip, which was cool. Except they had crappy food choices, so i got a snack box instead... but cool nonetheless...

I got home, Twix did not destroy the house and it was still standing when I got back, so score that in a win column... Trinity was good, but my god it was cold... like arctic all week... I'm excited for the 30s this week, and supposedly a 50 degreer on Thursday...

I started a new show that's been in my list for a good 5 years... The Walking Dead.... good show, interesting, I like it more than I thought I would... I mean zombie show does not scream come watch this for me... and since I got through current episode I could review the internet stuff I avoided because I dislike spoilers even though based on the internet outrage last year I knew Glenn was Negans victim... I enjoy that the cast, much like the Arrow cast, all seem to be friends outside the show and have excellent senses of humor and story telling skills... whats funny is I thought I most related to Daryl though Season 5, then they broke Rick and I like it... I kind of think its a better deconstruction, whatever... also Andrew Lincoln going grey is just sexy... there I said it...

Now, aside from that little outburst in the 2nd paragraph I've avoided me... there's a couple things happening, insurance changed, Margaret is not yet in the new provider directory... I called for a continuity of care waiver so I could see her in network til she gets her accreditation sorted out, which the guy said I'd get, which is retroactive to the 1st but its still a hassle... so that makes me a twinge anxious about the whole continue therapy thing, also Margaret is moving to a new practice next month... and group may be on Saturday... but not everyone is on board... group has been the most useful therapy I've ever done in 30 years of being in therapy.. I'm more upset about it than I care to admit...

Also I've generally been feeling blah lately... I mean I'm not sure I can or want to make it through the year... I have things planned so I'm trying to remember that but its not fool proof... and the universe still doesn't really like me in some ways... Code8 jersey I won is still MIA and I've given up on it. I don't want to whine about it but I'm annoyed. I've gained nearly all the weight I lost back since like September... so that's super... and today the fucking cable box broke... i spent nearly all day dealing with Comcast about it, and I finally was like can I just exchange the box this isn't working, that solved the problem, I wish I'd done that first thing when I noticed it at 10:30... rather than doing it at 3:30.. I took a break in between because it was irritating me... I don't know I just, my ability to care is waning.. which I know isn't a good thing and its been that way for a while now, but its, it seems like its getting a bit harder to ignore... if I can work all day while I'm at work its mostly okay... and its not even the weekends alone that necessarily bother me... its the lack of caring overall by anyone... like mom cares, dad cares, Erica cares, but they're like biologically wired to... and I am 100% aware I do zero to improve my friend situation but I'm not a mingler or partier... I'm going to try to go to a happy hour Thursday or is it Wednesday with the team since Vanessa will be in town for planning meetings...

You know whats funny, when the insurance guy asked me how I was doing, presumably to assess my eligibility for the continuity of care waiver, he asked the standard have you thought about hurting yourself or others... my answer was not immediately no... he said well what does not immediately mean... i said he was quicker on that than my psychiatrist... i found it amusing... but when asked when the last time I felt suicidal or (thoughts of self harm) was I said 2-3 months, but it was more 2-3 days ... not really but I've thought about it... so there it is 2018 off to a swimming start... also I felt almost bad for lying to dad today about the cable, i called to see if he had an idea during my break before I called them back, he didn't but said i should exchange the 2nd box too... i said I would but its not been hooked up because I haven't used my bedroom since trinity dug a hole in the bed and I didn't care for like a year so there's also that... sometimes I wish I trusted people... but I just don't trust that I can... and there's the catch 22..

ok i'm really done now damn this is long...