Another Isolated Weekend

I have literally not spoken to another human being since the 5pm conference call on Friday which I took from home; I don't think people really grasp what that's like and why as much as I'd like to have some interaction I won't and I don't.

1. I don't have friends, plain and simple. People who are the closest to that are not people that I'd invite into my house, purely because I don't want them to see me as more of a loser and weirdo and whatever other negative stereotype you can think of to insert here. I don't like the pitiful eyes, the questions the 'advice'. Human's don't exist in a natural state of altruism, they exist in a natural state of combat.

2. From #1 I don't trust anyone, literally I don't trust anyone. I said this briefly at group last month but I don't trust my family, I don't trust Aubrey and since I don't have friends well thats self explanatory.

3. Never been skilled at interpersonal interaction. I can live in a state of constant cerebral and superficial interaction; but not personal interaction. I'm careful about what I say, is everyone? Or are there people who trust so they're just open. I don't know; and honestly I cant imagine it.

4. If it weren't for the dog and cats I probably wouldn't have spoken a word until I go to work on Monday. Think about that.


Shower Thoughts....


People generally cannot process things themselves, they tend to need to confide in others, work it out talk it through.... one of the reasons for my lack of trust is if I confide in someone I *know* no matter what they say, they will end up telling someone, and I wont know who that is and wouldn't have control over it... unless you cultivate a group its impossible.... also impossible if a group is involved too... so no...

Brief (maybe) musings...

I wonder if the 'normal' people ever experience the not talking to a soul for extended periods of time. As evidenced by my recent string of weekends this is typical for me, outside of work I really dont talk to anyone... its really just group. Which I'm okay with most of the time its just sometimes its a bit much, like the past couple weekends.. I'm back to okay but its still, its still what it is almost. No it is but I dont know the word I want isnt here and I'm failing.

Finshed up that fanfic I started reading ... it was a good story, rooted in real emotion and reaction and how people skilled in the art of pushing people away would really react and think. The ending almost makes me more sad than the rest of the story, the characters reconciling physically. While I get that this is the end game of 99% of fanfic, it was almost disappointing but it wasn't detrimental. Like IMO you can bring the characters back together without going there, as I think that would take longer, or, if that occured there would be a near immediate return to walls. But I digress...

My coworker friend, the one who I work with daily, not the  neighbor one.. she's got a c-section scheduled and its almost like my only real work friend is going away. My neighbor is definitely my friend but there is no premise to interact with her on a daily basis because we work on different teams even though we sit next to each other. The new addition to the team is someone I really like, and would be friends with the thing is, she's remote, in AL. So while we're friends and on the same team and on one project its not the same. Kind of wondering what the next couple months will end up like... since I'm already cut off and the holidays are coming up.. and I've been thinking about not going up to MA for Christmas... i dont know why but I'm kind of miffed by the whole not even making an effort to conintue to pay me back ... i get why I'm not getting paid back, but an effort just an effort would have been better than the nothing. I sent invoices every month until the service decided they wanted a fee which coincidentally coincided with what would have been the final payment on the loan... and I left out from the loan the money I spent flying them to and housing them for my sister's wedding, which I'm only annoyed at because Dad said he wanted to pay me back for that even though I never asked and never expected, because he said it it kind of irritates me now, more because I never got repaid, and it was not a small amount if I'd included that money he'd been looking at close to 10 on the loan less than but close to... i dont know why its bothering me right now, but it is. I need to schedule or rather figure out what I'm doing for christmas... I have what I want to be doing next year settled with the Code 8 premiere and stuff so I'll have things to spend vacation time on.... i still have 6 days left i need to take/schedule. I've taken 4 days this year so far, and scheduled 6 more... i get 3 weeks & 1 day of vacation.... so I'm totally slacking

also I happened upon an article, that I didnt read thoroughly just skimmed through about how writing things down helps... duh, I figured that out a while ago that it helps... anyway this is a much longer musing than I originally intended, even though I did say maybe from the start, still longer... I'm heading to bed...

Sunday Night Football - Week 1

Patriots won! This weekend has been gorgeous weather, I kind of wish I knew how to utilize the deck better... like the screen door on the slider has literally been broken since the day I moved in, I bought a replacement but could never get it to sit right in the gutter or whatever its called... and Twix ripped a hole in it in the spring... so unfortunately til I replace the slider I think its going to be hard...

Also interesting today, I checked and I have not gained (or lost) and if you hadn't noticed I'd been depressed lately, better now even though friday was basically a half day or 3/4 day realisitcally, I didnt go to the picnic because 1. Lunch wasnt coming til 2pm and hanging around for 2 hours would be awkward.. and 2. I actually had work to do and half the dept being away gave me a good opportunity to get CA people on the phone to discuss a few things

And a gripe from me unrelated, Blindspot premiere's on Wednesday at 10pm, this is the timeslot it belongs in, forget about Arrow being on at 8 which is what I'll watch as it airs, but Blindspot IS NOT a 8pm show?! Why would you neuter a show like Blindspot with an 8pm slot?

Breathe

Today has ended up much better, I'm calmer... hopefully it continues... but I hate when I fall like I did ... reminds me its still a treacherous path I walk

A Thought...

Accepting help when it is offered, is different, if not easier than asking for help when it is needed.

Its Tuesday, but its still Monday

And, I can count on one finger the number of people with whom I interacted all day that was not the cashier or lady in the kitchen.... yup thats my life

Leak is still leaking

Noose is still on my mind...

I just I want a shoulder to cry on, someone to lean against right now... I just cant... I cant figure out where the extra water is leaking from... its just seeping from somewhere and I cant find it and I dont have any goop left to fill the spots I know of.. and I just I want to quit... I want to stay around and experience some things I had planned but right now, right now I want to quit... Where did it all go sour again? I cant even will myself to suck it up right now ....

Have you Ever?

Have you ever had a day where you're pretty depressed, apathetic and just blah and your eyes feel like you've been crying but haven't shed a tear?

3 hrs later...

Long weekends knock me down... especially those where I have literally not interacted with another human being since Friday morning, with the exception of the cashier saturday, which I don't count...

I love Stephen's quote about letting people help you... it really resonates with me especially the dont mutter yeah after everything they say, just listen.... but I don't know how to ask people for help... its still back to the I don't want to impart my crap onto anyone else, its not their responsibility, *I'm* not their responsibility.... Its MY crap and I'm my own responsibility.... there is really just no other way, especially since I barely (more honestly don't really) trust people.... that's something that is broken and while when I think about it it'd be nice to fix, the reality isn't the same. I don't want pity, I don't want people to look at me more weirdly than they already do.... I do really just want to fade away...

Labor Day

Its labor day... I'm a bit defeated... these are the days my mind wanders... it never wanders anywhere good....

Really?

So the leak I had last year in the garage and fixed has decided today is a good day to start leaking again... WTF? c'mon

Ok I know I care not about my house or myself but c'mon... it just makes me remember that there is really no reason for my existence its just one of those things... you know how I talked about little goals those are the things keeping me going... i just sometimes I'd rather not... its apparent on weekends like this, holidays how little people care about me... mom called, video again, she may be obsessed with video calls, I dont get it... there are days where I think I could disconnect and nobody would notice or contact me or anything... sure mom may worry but thats it.. and thats kind of her job right, she's my mom... sigh.....

Also this is my only place to vent, mom follows me on social media.. so I cant just vent even innocuously, I censor myself so not to worry anyone... yup.. and its not like I'm doing poorly, I'm not, I just I have no outlet for frustration... I kind of wish I did... I have group but its not really for frustration... can't/won't with Aubrey, she's doing well got friends, activites, kids etc.... so, i'm here... and its clear when there's a long weekend I post....

So Many Projects

Its the long weekend, got home early yesterday... putzed around my friend is not going to be around this weekend as she thought so totally mine alone for another long weekend... anyway... did not win the item I *really* wanted on the CGL auction today, I wanted it for a couple reasons, super cool, good cause and a size smaller thusly if i could get into it by next year it'd have been cool... lost it, i went over my budget but i couldnt go more than 2x my budget and it went for 2x my budget so bidding up would have been over... dude i lost in the last 60 seconds though, seriously... anyway got my 2nd choice and 2 other cool items.

None of that had anything to do with all the projects I have open... like i have one beanie started, double knit, that one i stop after each row since i'm doing it on straight needles (because I tried 3x to not twist the rounds and i got impatient) and 20mins per row just needs a break kp constantly is easy but i dunno it feels like it goes quicker on rounds... the 2nd deathstroke embroidery is done, I have several outlines for new embroidery patterns made up in photoshop ready to print, transfer and fill in.. I also have 2 books started.. i feel like i'm forgetting something.. oh i have videos started... blending Arrow to Shinedown ro some other songs would be cool too... i have select clips in files to use later.. yeah so I'm keeping me busy...

New project is supposed to start this coming week but its a short week and i dont think its gotten the budget approved so probably wont be til next week... i actually have work for it i could do should i get bored (yes i'm that pathetic that I"m considering doing work to relieve boredom)

Watching Archer as my background entertainment all day... its funny.. also I swear that episode to episode and season to season the volume is different ... its kind of annoying