legacies?

i'm awkwardly and somewhat i think inappropriately emotional tonight... my sister's boyfriend contacted me for our grandmother's engagement ring which I inherited and had told my sister that should she get engaged and married before me she could have it, after all i also inherited my mothers engagement ring from my father, who needs two? i'm just like i don't know.. i left it back in MA at what was my grandmother's house now my aunt & uncles because i was paranoid about travelling with it... now i'm entrusting it to my sisters boyfriend to #1 not lose it since he's going to take it back to texas and propose next month and #2 live up to the promise of that ring... its precious to me.. and i know its precious to my sister but i cant help thinking sometimes she'll feel like she won something more than i would... and it feels so wrong to think that... i just ugh.. and i cant give it to him either, other people have to since i cant go back for christmas... i know its the right thing to do and my sister will guard the ring with her life too, but i dont know... lots of things i mean i want to expressly tell them both how much it means to me but not be scolding or i dont even know if its appropriate... wtf? :(

Goodbye Ty

Ty died today... I woke up and he was super lethargic, wasn't moving without coercion and if i put him somewhere he stayed ... took him into the vet and .... He was my little partner, cuddler, nurse... he was my companion for 13+ years... I wish we could have had a better last few years, mostly the years since i got trinity... he came around this past year since piman died... but its i wish it was more... he was such an excellent cat, and a personality and a little overseer.... he knew when i felt like crap both physically and mentally and he always came around... ugh, wish he didn't have to die.. wish he was one of those cats that lived "forever" (or like 20 years) ...

holiday's

so i start back @ hmk tomorrow, and even though i managed to get the time off i now cannot go up to MA for christmas... cannot board the cat and the dog, the cat is driving me fucking insane and i cant put someone else through that not to mention he's not up to date on his shots and not exactly in the health to get them... and matt said he couldnt do it 2x a day is too much.. so i'm pretty much staying here alone once again, and i actually was starting to look forward to/want to go home why do i even bother?

what is it?

ok so i dont get it... i do a contract i make explicitly clear to the recruiter what my minimum is to leave for upon hire as i know it wont be my contract rate it would be less... so i get my offer today and its nearly what hmk offered in their counter... ahem NO... WTF... so i'm kinda pissed... spoke with the contracting agency and they're like oh well that wasnt in the notes.. that may have been partially our fault... uh yeah yours and the companies deciding to do this the DAY AFTER the contract actually ended... OMFG... can anyone get their shit together, now the agency seemed to have their shit together the entire time until today... c'mon WTF, and maybe I should have you know mentioned again what the numbers should have been but seriously? ugh! not looking forward to having to go to work tomorrow and either try and straighten it out, or leave and hope agency comes through with another job or hmk comes though in actually calling me back since they seem interested... OMFG!!

summer's over...

summer's over and all i want is for someone to care, to actively want to spend time with me or just i dont know... i want to feel like someone cares, which i dont... i dont know how to trust people, and i'm afraid to do it... *sigh*

wants...

what do i want?

i want to be loved, cared for, taken care of... but i cant relinquish any security to try to find that...

then again i'm not so sure that i'm lovable, the kind that anyone would care for or want to take care of anyway... i mean look at me, look at my life, look at my house... why would anyone?

i also want someone to want to help me, but i cant accept any help, it'd make me indebted in a way i'm not sure i could repay...

i wonder

i wonder what it is thats gotten me this far into my life... i've wanted to stop, check out so many more times than people know... and do i start and trust and really work with my shrink? i just i'm afraid that once i open the can of worms that i keep very tightly sealed i'm going to be a walking open wound again and i wont be able to put the top back on... i work pretty damn hard to keep it all inside, let it slide off my back roll off, not get to me... and when stuff does its a speed bump but it doesnt cripple me you know except when it gets too much then it overfloweth and i have to regroup... it takes a lot... i'm afraid, there i said it... oh and i never realized, how good it was that i had friends i saw every day, even if they were mostly work friends...

sigh...

you know, some days i just really i dont know .... made a new friend, online, been talking like every day for the past 2 weeks... really enjoy his company conversation etc, he hasnt been online today and its kind of sad for me... but whats more sad is nobody is online today so its been a loney day... though i didnt sleep the entire day like normal, no i watched battlestar galactica, good show btw... going to continue watching it... i *really* wish i had a real friend local or a relationship... i just dont know if i'm really cut out for either...

Balance?

I'm finding that its difficult to find balance professionally. I like my job but its frustrating and there is really nobody else here who does/understands my job to comisserate wity. I like my coworkers but is that enough? Are there enough of them to know? I liked highmark just not the situation, the company, coworkers and even my job had it been realistically defined I'd have stayed and figures out the commute issue. Bleh!

Today is just frustrating and perhaps more personally than anything else.

feeling lonely

so i've been feeling kind of lonely this week... they laid off 80 people at work on monday... not me... but i dont feel safe there, like they could cut me, if i train their FTE's why not right? i'm expensive..

i miss seeing friends every day, i miss Will and Frank and Rene.... the people at work are fine but they arent the same, and they arent as friendly as the people at Highmark were... or maybe i'm wrong but i dont think i am....

was this a good move? i'm feeling more isolated again as a result... and i'm pulling away from Matt... i know i am... i cant help myself, we went to a movie on thursday and he gave me a kiss on the cheek like always but my reaction in my head was like what was that for... i just dont know... i cant lose a friend but i'm soo irritated with myself i guess... and i cant like date, my god my house is a disaster still... i do want help with it though not pity but why would anyone help me... i dont know if i could even accept any help, i mean i got myself into this mess... nobody is going to take care of me for me, so i need to do it myself... isnt that always the way?

Hello Summer...

So its July 1st, summer is officially here, has been for what 2 weeks now... today i've been lamenting the fact that Wednesday is a holiday and i'll be spending it alone, again.... even after meeting Matt my holiday routine isnt changed much if at all... i still kinda long for someone to ask and try to include me... but thats not to be, i'm a solitary creature it seems... better get used to it again

dinner with mom...

so mom's stopping by on her annual trip back to MA, and she's getting to meet matt... i'm apprehensive though, i have no clear understanding of what our relationship is... and he changed his relationship status to in a relationship, no clue if thats in reference to me or if he found someone else... i just want to know and i have to put on my big girl panties and just ask... but i'm terrified...

transitions

so, got a new job... mixed feelings about it.. but good now.. mostly

Pass Slowly - Seether

I think it’s time for a change
Cause things feel out of touch
And I watch you walk away, again

Well this feels like too much  (Can you take it away?)
And things won’t go my way
Now I’ll have to fade away, my friend

So pass slowly
And carry me down
And render me lonely
When you’re not around

I need to shake off this pain
But courage takes too much
So I have to walk away, again

Oh God I miss your touch  (Can you take it away?)
The way that you keep me safe
I won’t let you fade away, my friend

So pass slowly
And carry me down
Remember me only
When you’re not around

Oh yea, can’t you stay awhile longer?
Oh yea, won’t you stay?
God please stay

And pass slowly  (It’s time for a change)
And whittle me down  (Cause things feel out of touch)
And render me lonely  (I’ll watch you walk away, again)
When you’re not around

So pass slowly  (This feels like too much)
And let me down easy  (And things won’t go my way)
Render me lonely  (I’ll have to fade away, my friend)
When you’re not around

=====================
"Pass Slowly" as written by Dale William Stewart Troy William Mclawhorn

stress

so work has gotten infinitely worse, yet only one thing has really changed, a certain person i used to work for when she was a lead got promoted to a manager, yes its true, she could give ST a run for the micromanger title... i cant do it... i need to leave, there is no salvaging my position at all, its sad and frustrating, more so because i interview so poorly oh well, such is life i suppose... contracting again i think may be my only avenue... phooey

ugh ugh and double ugh

can anyone be more obvious about the fact i'm apparently not valued as promoting 3 people and when i ask if i'm getting any relief or anything, well no we're just going to figure out what you do and go from there... really really? i'm quickly reaching my limit, i may have surpassed it but i cannot continue like this

isnt it funny?

isnt it funny how i seem to have this super super self preservation drive in relationships, all relationships that i like go to extreme measures to insulate myself from others, even my friends, i want to help them, the ones i care about, to the ends of the earth I'd help the lucky few to the utter detriment or death of my own self if necessary, but yet i cant seem to trust anyone enough to let them in more than superficially for the most part... and whats crazier still is ive tried to kill myself several times thought about it many more and its the same philosophy yet in a kind of fucked up situation.... and im trying my damnest to not go to my oh im going to fuck you before you can even have a chance to fuck with me and hurt me so fuck off with someone and goddamn its HARD... i swear to god its hard...

moreoever i have "Help Me" running through my head lately... i vehemently push people away because even though i want their help in some cases, i dont want them to feel obligated or me to i dont know indebted isnt the right word... i just want someone to care, no pretense, no strings just care... and not be put off my my own special brand of crazy, i say my own special brand because well its me... as similar as anyones crazy can be each has their own special brand... i dunno whatever... i need to sleep weekend work yay, ugh!

somethings wrong

somethings been off/wrong since november, i need to know what it is, what i did, if i did or didnt do anything... what it is now... are we friends still, i really hope so, i just need to know... :(

its 2012

i dont think ive posted yet this year, work insanity, insomnia and the ongoing weirdness continue, now with lack of a goodnight/goodbye kiss... need to talk to him..

in good news the patriots are in the superbowl!