feeling lonely

so i've been feeling kind of lonely this week... they laid off 80 people at work on monday... not me... but i dont feel safe there, like they could cut me, if i train their FTE's why not right? i'm expensive..

i miss seeing friends every day, i miss Will and Frank and Rene.... the people at work are fine but they arent the same, and they arent as friendly as the people at Highmark were... or maybe i'm wrong but i dont think i am....

was this a good move? i'm feeling more isolated again as a result... and i'm pulling away from Matt... i know i am... i cant help myself, we went to a movie on thursday and he gave me a kiss on the cheek like always but my reaction in my head was like what was that for... i just dont know... i cant lose a friend but i'm soo irritated with myself i guess... and i cant like date, my god my house is a disaster still... i do want help with it though not pity but why would anyone help me... i dont know if i could even accept any help, i mean i got myself into this mess... nobody is going to take care of me for me, so i need to do it myself... isnt that always the way?