isnt it funny?

isnt it funny how i seem to have this super super self preservation drive in relationships, all relationships that i like go to extreme measures to insulate myself from others, even my friends, i want to help them, the ones i care about, to the ends of the earth I'd help the lucky few to the utter detriment or death of my own self if necessary, but yet i cant seem to trust anyone enough to let them in more than superficially for the most part... and whats crazier still is ive tried to kill myself several times thought about it many more and its the same philosophy yet in a kind of fucked up situation.... and im trying my damnest to not go to my oh im going to fuck you before you can even have a chance to fuck with me and hurt me so fuck off with someone and goddamn its HARD... i swear to god its hard...

moreoever i have "Help Me" running through my head lately... i vehemently push people away because even though i want their help in some cases, i dont want them to feel obligated or me to i dont know indebted isnt the right word... i just want someone to care, no pretense, no strings just care... and not be put off my my own special brand of crazy, i say my own special brand because well its me... as similar as anyones crazy can be each has their own special brand... i dunno whatever... i need to sleep weekend work yay, ugh!