sleep

just woke up napped fom 9-1:30

post appointment

so, i need to adjust my perspective... which seems so easy and logical when you make analogies but its sooo hard in practice... ok so again its OK to kill time... in my job i'm selling my time for a fixed rate, i dont necessariliy have to work for that money, its up to my employer to utilize the time i've sold them.. i get paid regardless of the effort or lack of effort i would put in as long as i'm there...

so i'm going to try to write down post appointment now and see if that can help any it wont hurt right?

and i know i see, and apparently intelligence is processing wisdom is perspective within that processing, of which i dont have

placebo

i'm feeling like what i'm going to call placebo calm today... got meds, have a plan plus NOBODY peeped today to want something from me or ask me something etc ... which i have reason to believe is a conspiracy however i'm ok with it... people came to my desk, and out of there way it seemed to me to ask if i was ok... apparently they were concerned so while i was out they were told that i wasnt but will be and without going into further details may need some time off... and while i appreciate that i hate it too... but back to my calm day without being bothered i hope i can sleep tonight!

tired..

dude i'm tired, although not as tired, i think i got more than 3 hours sleep last night, initially fell asleep maybe midnight-ish and woke up a few times but at least it was more than 3 hours

a plan

its nice to have a plan... saw my old original shrink today, i just barely kept it in check without going into hysterics... but there is a plan, back on meds, appts 3x per week for now, and i'm to call should i be close to doing anything suicidal... i'm not supposed to care about the team at work just me... which i know is so not my strong suit, but i really dont have an alternative at the moment, the current state i'm in is not condusive to anything...at least i'm not being committed so no stress about that because that too was stressing me out, that possiblity, i'm not totally in denial about how bad i've been i know.. here's to hoping

why

why do you have to be like a raving fucking lunatic to get any help around here?

100th post...

so i sucked it up, i'm calm yet i know its fleeting... i know others are right that i should call and do something now than later and let it all cycle out again until i break down again like i did last night until such a time comes when i'll do something potentially regretable.. first i cant just abandon the animals, i just cant, i cant let someone pay for a kennel or whatnot i just cant.. and i dont know that i can handle a 30% cut in pay to go on short term... and i really dont want to go back to the shrink i saw last week... i'm not hysterical and i'm not freaking out so its kinda, it feels like i wont need anything although history tells another story...

best idea all day

Calling aubrey, thanks for calming me down

coping skills are soo minimal at this point..

so i call graham and ask if they'll watch the dog, and no they cant... so what happens john calls erica and gets her all in a tizzy who in turn calls me and riles me up again and i just dont know how much more i can take of all this... i hate i HATE worrying her... its so unfair she shouldnt.. and i cant, so i try to calm down but i cant i'm still a mess.. i call erica w and she answers so now she's worried all i want is for someone to watch my dog so i can take care of this on my own by myself so nobody else has to be involved... just let me go try to patch myself together and i'll be back i promise... or better yet had people not involved people in the first place i could have just sucked it up and dealt with it tomorrow... i really could have but now, now i dont know... i swear i need a break, i need it over i need it gone, i'm not fucking 15 anymore doesnt anyone understand that?

more than numb

i sit here and i'm kind of blah, and its almost like everyone is just chipping at me and bitching and i just want to scream at them to shuttup and be intelligent for a minute .... and i cant shake the suicidal thoughts running through my head, and i cant figure out what to do, do i call one of the clinics or not... and im not as opressively depressed as i was but i'm still not functioning normally and honestly i dont think a weekly appointment is going to do much good... and it makes me even more depressed that i've been so neglectful of the animals... and it feels almost fake when i smile... if i smile... and i dont want to burden anyone or worry anyone, but i like i want to throw my arms up and surrender, but i dont know what i'm surrendering to... does that make sense?

animals...

i really need to find the animals new homes, i just cant continue to neglect them... they all deserve better

Crossfade - The Deep End...

Holding on is harder than it seems
when you're reaching for so much more
seems so much easier to just give in
when you're reaching for so much more

Another wasted Saturday so here I stay
where nothing seems to ever change, anyway, hey
all this hype about life being great
where's the love for me these days
I'm goin off the deep end

phooey

apparently i can only keep it together for so long before it fades.... and what is up with everyone thinking im in a bad mood i'm not and i'm not as depressed as i had been but damn c'mon and i just i dont know

arrgh

ok so why is it that everyone finds it necessary to ask the same question OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER and they expect me to answer differently if they just keep asking because the first 3 times i respond the same way werent sufficent?

new shrink, dont like him dont hate him, i'll give him a try but damn man i really could care less whether i was alive or dead at the moment, really

Queso!

Free Queso from Moe's today, yay.... i'm way normal today, thank god and finally... however i've been told i must still keep my appointment tomorrow boo...

so..

so.. i had a 1-1 with my manager which was good i got most everything about a certain person who is a supreme slacker off my chest, and i feel better about that... actually i feel better than i have in weeks today which makes the fact i have an appt with a new shrink thursday all the more annoying, i really want to cancel but i know i shouldnt, but it is tempting... all i want is to just be like normal, no shrinks, no meds, i mean is that too much to ask?

sleep?

why is it so difficult to shut off my brain and sleep? didnt fall asleep til after 3am, and i'm tired

calm

this is the calmest i've been in WEEKS, who knew setting in motion getting an appointment would be so calming

EAP

so, i called EAP, the girl was nice enough, she's going to get me an appointment w/in 48 hours

nerves

i'm a bit nervous about work today...

hot

its really fucking hot, i've got 3 fans going and i'm still sweating

midnight thoughts

i need to find someone to help me... i dont want to call my old shrink, i thought about it went to his website to get the number but realized again that i believe he is more interested in his books... so now what... i doubt SERIOUSLY doubt that i could get an appointment like tomorrow or even monday with anyone that i havnt seen before, at least not without being committed... and even that doesnt seem like such a terrible option at the moment, however there are logistical problems with that... also i feel terrible for having involved someone in all this crap, i try really hard to not get other people involved who havnt dealt with it before so basically i limit exposure to aubrey and my sister... and even that i do sparingly... now i've involved someone else... nobody deserves to be burdened by me... i had a weird dream this afternoon, it was a reply of my thursday meeting, except we were talking about biology in reference to user types and the math of science but mr cardarelli was there (my HS math teacher) and he was arguing with christian about calculus, which was odd... anyway i dont know what i'm going to end up doing... i feel like i need to make a decision and choose a path soon or i'm just going to end up dead... i also have no idea what the consequences of anything are going to be relating to work... i'm seriously unravelling, and i think maybe if work werent so screwed up to begin with i could just get over this and get back... i also keep thinking that i should be able to think myself out of this, and gram was right and there is nothing wrong with me and i keep wanting to smile for no reason like when all my shrinks alerted me to that when i'm really depressed i inappropriately smile... i think its some fucked up nervous tick or something... but i really want to just get it to stop and i think to myself maybe if i just start taking my meds again but i dont know; i mean i was crashing and getting depressed and i was on them and thats basically why i stopped it was like fuck it its not preventing anything why keep doing it? its weird i'm like detached from myself and really trying to think this through and its i dont know i dont or wont or cant believe any of my conclusions... like i could go back on meds and you know continue.. or not and who knows... and arent meds just like band-aiding some problem thats there or something... and is there really even a problem like i *should* be able to just stop and return to normal and i cant seem to will myself into doing that... and the house is a total disaster.. and what do i do with the dog and the cats if my option is to commit myself... and i dont know that i could have john/graham watch the dog w/o them inevitably telling erica or my mom about whats going on and having them involved i dont think is going to help anything... staying home from work today was good for my stress level, supremely good for my stress level, but i'm still in a funk... however after a week of numby funkiness i'm not totally sure that offing myself is the answer, i feel like just giving it up and just being truthful with how i feel with someone but that is such a hard thing to do, to not censor myself... frankly its terrifying... what if i dont know what if they think i'm just making it all up ... like what if its just work and there really isnt anything underlying and i'm just a loser.. and a crybaby and a whiner... and i dont know i just i'm so confused and everything and i sit here and i'm within my own head and i cant get out and i cant leave and i cant let anyone else in either... mostly for their own protection... and what about work? i need work.. i like work but its so screwed up... and its like i want help but i wont ask and even if i did i dont think i'd get it and besides i should be able to handle it... i pride myself on being able to handle it... and i'm falling apart and i have no idea what to do and involving my coworker in my insanity i have no idea how thats going to play out, he says its all good but i cant help but think its not and he'd rather not have been burdened by it all... i know everyone else save like two have turned and run away and havnt looked back because of it... to quote someone i cant remember who but "christine your just too stressful a friend to have"... and i am... and as much as friends are nice i just cant have them and put them through my shit.. i dont know if any of this makes sense i'm just typing as i think and leno is on low volume... i want the past few months to be erased and to start over i think, or at least like the past few weeks and get me fixed up and put back together and get on with it.. i need to get on with it and not think about it anymore and like get it gone... why is that so difficult?

useless

valerie @ re:solve you are USELESS.. utterly useless

i called because i was looking for some direction, some help, not just hey why dont you call or go to highmark's website and look... well DUH i work there i know what my options are there... i called YOU, you must be an idot

breathe...

no work today, called off... much more relaxed, actually i was considerably more relaxed last night when i made the call... slept woke up like a half hour ago...

sanity.. waning

OMG !!! seriously why am i trying to interact, come back to a more normal state? i swear to god... i was good this morning calm, not crazy, ok, not insane.. now i want to i dont know, break someone's fingers or something!


OK SO its been a whole hour now since i posted the above and fuck if i'm not really ready to just up and quit or jump out a freaking window... seriously if you dont want my attitude try coming into work and doing some at some point and maybe you wont get an additude and maybe ask me and not have everyone else and their brother ask me as well and maybe you wont get an additude, oh and maybe i dont know DO SHIT at least ocassionally... seriously!

numb

emotional numbness, it creates no it i dont know its nothingness really, those songs that will normally be cathartic and let me cry, nothing... not really comfortably numb just numb... dont care, but have really no energy to do a damn thing about it...

saturday

you know... being too lazy and not caring prevents me from actually doing anything, its like blah blah blah

......

interesting that this isnt blocked by the work filter... tuning everyone out today is good and it also got my ipod dropped in the toilet to die most likely... question, the very prevalent question is whether i want to join it or gather what i have left and go another round... after the ipod incident i even bought some razors and some sleep aids... razors are never as tactile as my nails but those have been broken several times and they are just too slow at this point... actually the lack of iron making my fingertips cold is better, it can get to that certain persistant cold heading into slight pain which is nice to have today... do we all think that if i left the dog with john he'd just take care of her and not ask or freak or whatnot... not sure... depends on what method ... see this is where i go... hmmm what to do with the animals, if i can find them homes, how long before someone questions, how long... what method.. these are the questions i keep asking...