time just keeps moving on

 so last night/yesterday was my 25th HS reunion, to which I did not attend... there are a few reasons for that, first going back to MA to see a bunch of people with whom I don't really know where I stand is awkward with no other reason to go back... I'm awkward at party situations anyway... and i have two new kittens whom I'd not want to leave right now, i have to leave them for christmas as it is ...

So reunion pictures were posted, looks like a good time was had... one thing i noticed; there was a memorial table for classmates who have died, i knew about Mike.... but I didn't know about Kim... Kim in HS was well you could almost have said she was a mean girl? at least to me, always seem to have given me a bad look.... anyway she died of cancer last year.... and i did a google search to see what happened and she apparently got into spirituality and spiritual coaching and had a yt and things... and she had a gofundme, and other things.... she basically refused chemo etc for spiritual healing not wanting to put poisons in her body etc... but what struck me about one of the things she posted was more or less you get back what you put out in the world and she seemed to have felt that her cancer was that coming to fruition... now i dont think you can really count what you do in highschool to your life karma points lets say... Kim didnt deserve cancer, nobody deserves cancer... 

now i'm going to say something that may seem odd considering what I just said, now i know should I ever get a diagnosis like that I dont think I'd persue conventional treatments, because frankly I dont know that furtherance of my existence is not necessary in the grand scheme of things... i dont have people like i used to, i work and live alone at home, i can go months without leaving my house if i wanted; its just not like there would be people who would necessarily care, not care thats not the word I know people would care but I'm not a fixture in anyones life right now on any continuous basis that i would be missed you know? thats frankly been my position for a LONG TIME

I'm more and more amazed at my own longevity considering everything, I mean there are plenty of people more deserving of this life, the relative comfort of my life, the privilege of my life so much more than me... thinking of those who died recently Dan is one of those people, he touched tons of people had a family he was a present part of, a kid who not doesnt have a father... who am I to be using up worldly space instead of him? I went to 4 cons this year, and I had a good time... and I somewhat disappointingly did not contract COVID again... others did, i havent, why? why didnt it kill me in the first place, i mean it very well could have... i mean the extent of my self preservation in that time was just to not go to the hospital (of which based on my pulseox I probably would have) because if i went in and i caught like pnemonia I'd have been more miserable, especially if i lived, i mean ugh... and the dog was still here and everything....

and you know how i said kittens i have 2 twix needed friends and well i guess i needed them too... i dont think too much about trinity, which is awful but i dont want to think about it, if i dont think about things they cant effect me, see how much of a cold hearted bitch I am? 

ok i should probably try to sleep again... i just had to out thoughts on kim and life in general 

been a minute huh?

I don't know its been a relatively uneventful year so far in terms of me needing to really vent ... until now

I'm so fucking frustrated upset and SO FUCKING TIRED of being an afterthought I mean what's the fucking point? Why am I, like really there's no objective reason for my continues existence. If anything the fact that I'm basically a shut in now kinda proves that point right? Don't get me wrong my mental health has been overall much more stable WFH full time than previously bit ot still proves how unnecessary I am right? I can go days, weeks without encountering another human in person. 

Ugh why am I so upset by this I mean it eas probably inevitable right? I mean she should have known it was mine right? I mean when they moved dad made a point of telling me he'd gotten xenon jn the basement of the new house, because it was fucking mine, or was supposed to be. I mean she should have known right? Why else would he keep it and sell  Black Stallion? I just it's not like I could have taken it off her hands realistically with me being this far away but goddammit nobody ever thinks they should tell me. They just fucking give my shot away and it's like it btw... and deal. What us it about me that makes that a theme? Moreover I'm also annoyed bec6she also knows how much $ they got from me, and agreed to repay and never did.... so ....

I shouldn't be upset I really shouldn't it's still not like i could do anything but zero courtesy is given. Why is THIS the thing thats making me teary? And fucking thinking of all the shit that coulda shoulda woulda.   But that shit would never history has shown me that so I should just know by now right? I just UGHHHHH 

I want to break something or scream or just indent even know but this teary-eyed on the verge of crying is not it..... 

dreams and such

i havent taken my meds this weekend, but it wasn't an intentional choice.... i've had dreams this weekend, weird dreams... 

like gram was in a dream i had friday night... i dont remember exactly what it was but i know she was there

but today/last night i've had dreams... about birthdays... there was jareds 40th which was weird, i mean why would i be there... also there was mine.. which was also weird, there was a mall and a convenience store and people from HS it was so bizarre... like there was a spider too ... and like all i wanted was a card, and maybe a single song suggestion and it wasnt possible, but people were there which didnt feel right, like i dont know it was like a carousel and a mall store and convenience store and there was going to a movie and snow and just it was weird.... just feeling very alone all day after i woke up from it, and i dont quite know why... just disconnected from it all... i have tuesday off too from the weekends i worked... i just idont like work anymore, theres been too much shuffling and upheaval for me... i want to make it to the con in april though, i really do...it simultaneously seems like eons away and around the corner, both of which are daunting.... it'll be the first anything since this whole pandemic started... i've been like removed from it since i basically dont leave the house... maybe thats why i've been feeling somewhat anxious .... got the heard flutters off and on, exactly  like when i had that panic attack... i also half hope its the moderna booster side effects theres some heart effect i dont know... also i wouldnt be mad if i got it again after the con or at the con, i just its i dotn know why it didnt kill me the first time around, or why i didnt let it... then again its hard to think straight when you cant breathe so best i could do was not go to the hospital... so thats what i did...and i survived, fairly unscathed as far as i can tell, not that i've been to a doctor... its just i dotn know why i would i dont have anything especially to look forward to and live for. i just take up space, and shit on everything like this house its a sty... it really is... and i cant bring myself to clean... i should i tell myself i should and i tell myself i will but i cant... 

anyway in other news i've watched some shows that i've liked russian doll was a time travelly time loop one I enjoyed.. Reacher was fantastic... Archive 81 was cool, and In from the Cold was just awesome, loved the twist at the end, makes me watnt to watch from the beginning again... 

so one day tomorrow then im off then back i dont know... i also wish now that i got the drawing tablet set up it had like 2 more feet in its cord... i just want to hide under a rock for a while til everything settles back to some sense of normalcy.... but thats never going to happen.. cars probably dead in the garage havent touched it in weeks... also i forgot to get bread with my grocery order.. and walmart wont deliver bread stupid... maybe target also i need to get the mail... cant even make my bed or do the laundry..... sucks, life sucks, i suck ... i dont know how people do it, i dont even know how i've done it... 

wow

 this may already be more posts than last year .... its weird, everything is weird actually... taking meds on time daily again ... also work i dont even know... and covid dude they're telling the people they wanted back in the office to WFH this week and next because its still going around... in some ways i still think i want to get it again and it do what it didnt the first time becuase how the hell did that work? like i get a cold and i'm coughing up a lung and losing my voice normally.... i get covid and eh... well not really eh... i do have a pulse ox and the LOWEST it got was 73% while I was standing in the kitchen, thus why there is still a chair in my tiny kitchen that i dragged over then so i didnt faint or something... but no long lasting anything really granted i havent been to the drs since basically but whatever....

i have a half day tomorrow because i worked the weekend and if i didnt schedule it and soon i wouldnt take it... so thats a this year thing i'm going to try to take the time back for myself that i extend... 

on a whim i decided hey i never watched the end of dawsons creek, i mean i think i watched the finale but thats it i dont even know how many seasons i watched when it aired my guess is one or two based on when they aired... but anyway on a whim i decided to watch because i figured jensen.... and i forgot why i no longer watch shows like that, dramas... they make you think and thinking is what makes me have to write here so i can go on with the day or fall asleep so ... 

just let me live in the camraderie Dean Winchester provides because he's philosophically got the same perspectives I do on a lot of things and traits while also being so much better of a human and sibling than i ever was... so ... also his character bday was today/yesterday 1/24 and its also brigids birthday... its weird i havent really spoken with her since we broke up junior year about whatever we had a fight about but its like my childhood best friends birthday its not something i forget, dont know about anyone else, but she was also always more my friend than i was hers so i doubt she knows mine anymore... so yeah thats whats happening... cool beans... 

oh AND i was just going to say well i'm just crazy and i said that to eric last night when we were chatting, like i'll never understand why he puts up with my crazy but i'm glad he does and he said something to the effect of he likes my crazy but i could go look up the chat and thats just its so weird, i dont think he knows what he's saying like i want to believe he does but i dont know he does... i am legitimately crazy ... oh ok i'm gonna sign off you know once i get my fingers on the right keys which clearly i've done since i'm no longer typing and erasing jibberish..  

apparently...

 apparently my mood the last few weeks coupled with my lax adherence to taking my meds and my improved mood this week is proof of the fact that i should in fact be medicated... this doesn't irritate me quite as much as it once did but man! then its like to not be medicated for any length of time again and be assured a bad outcome isnt great either.... where's the balance here? hmmm 

one more thing...

I still don't know how to not be depressed or dysthymia and I see like Zach Levi & Jared & others like embracing not or even sometimes being but I just don't know how to think otherwise at least right now I now a fee times when I've been in a good place I've been positive let's say, this too shall pass and all and believing what I was saying but knowing all that may be true and believing/feeling it are vastly different 

huh

 Didnt realize I didnt do a new years post... it was boring anyway... you know some days i'm ok but that means like okay not good not bad just okay...and then i'm not also i'm not taking my meds regularly i blame that on vacation + booster + period gotta find that routine again... missing meds is probably not helping

so its weird; like i kind of want to have it out or write a letter or something but i also dont want to bother because why should i? i mean things, even friendships run their course right... even the ones that have been around the longest... its just weird

work is alsosuper annoying but im gonna just put my head down and get shit done im so exasperated with everyone there, and sometimes i feel like i get stuff done then most of the time lately its just being taken advantage of, this management reorg has been terrible; at least i'm not the only one who thinks so...

eric has been like busy or just out/offline since that emergency thing in stl... and i messaged him knowing he hasnt been on the app lately because i came to a realization/conclusion the other day that all i really want, like right now is for someone to give me a hug, but not just someone, someone who cares, and i feel like cares and not cares because they're familially obligated to... just someone who can wrap their arms around me and give me a hug so i can take a second and relax and let them hold me so i can breathe... thats all i want... doesnt even have to last that long... and i also think dude thats so pathetically sad...

ugh 2022 is off to a smashing start....