i havent taken my meds this weekend, but it wasn't an intentional choice.... i've had dreams this weekend, weird dreams...
like gram was in a dream i had friday night... i dont remember exactly what it was but i know she was there
but today/last night i've had dreams... about birthdays... there was jareds 40th which was weird, i mean why would i be there... also there was mine.. which was also weird, there was a mall and a convenience store and people from HS it was so bizarre... like there was a spider too ... and like all i wanted was a card, and maybe a single song suggestion and it wasnt possible, but people were there which didnt feel right, like i dont know it was like a carousel and a mall store and convenience store and there was going to a movie and snow and just it was weird.... just feeling very alone all day after i woke up from it, and i dont quite know why... just disconnected from it all... i have tuesday off too from the weekends i worked... i just idont like work anymore, theres been too much shuffling and upheaval for me... i want to make it to the con in april though, i really do...it simultaneously seems like eons away and around the corner, both of which are daunting.... it'll be the first anything since this whole pandemic started... i've been like removed from it since i basically dont leave the house... maybe thats why i've been feeling somewhat anxious .... got the heard flutters off and on, exactly like when i had that panic attack... i also half hope its the moderna booster side effects theres some heart effect i dont know... also i wouldnt be mad if i got it again after the con or at the con, i just its i dotn know why it didnt kill me the first time around, or why i didnt let it... then again its hard to think straight when you cant breathe so best i could do was not go to the hospital... so thats what i did...and i survived, fairly unscathed as far as i can tell, not that i've been to a doctor... its just i dotn know why i would i dont have anything especially to look forward to and live for. i just take up space, and shit on everything like this house its a sty... it really is... and i cant bring myself to clean... i should i tell myself i should and i tell myself i will but i cant...
anyway in other news i've watched some shows that i've liked russian doll was a time travelly time loop one I enjoyed.. Reacher was fantastic... Archive 81 was cool, and In from the Cold was just awesome, loved the twist at the end, makes me watnt to watch from the beginning again...
so one day tomorrow then im off then back i dont know... i also wish now that i got the drawing tablet set up it had like 2 more feet in its cord... i just want to hide under a rock for a while til everything settles back to some sense of normalcy.... but thats never going to happen.. cars probably dead in the garage havent touched it in weeks... also i forgot to get bread with my grocery order.. and walmart wont deliver bread stupid... maybe target also i need to get the mail... cant even make my bed or do the laundry..... sucks, life sucks, i suck ... i dont know how people do it, i dont even know how i've done it...
