its been a bit

So i felt like I needed to put in an update, med change didnt help, just gave me headaches... so that is a no go... back to normal meds... appt on the 1st

I've felt better since Tuesday, mostly like normal again... like normal for me, not necessarily normal good if that makes sense

Got the furnace fixed, it wasnt the fan, the door wasnt hitting the sensor thing right, all the guy had to do was bang it back into place and straighten it out... so i'll have heat when i turn it on...

saw margaret yesterday.... i dont know... i've never really liked individual, like its a necessary evil.. she encouraged me to reach out to the people from group.. i still dont know what i'm gonna do about my house... its in desperate need of cleaning, more than cleaning... ahh well... maybe i will make it to 40...

here's the update

saw Margaret on Friday morning, went to work ... it was a bit iffy to start off but there was like NOBODY in the office quite literally, I think I only spoke with Aprile and that was brief... so it wasn't bad ...

didn't fall asleep well at all last night, now its Saturday and i'm back to okay, though i' mostly okay when there are no other people, the people are the problem.. so if i can stay away from people i'm okay right? i have a whole weekend to figure that out while being alone... that worked last weekend but it was no longer viable by Wednesday when i had to leave work...

we shall see how this med change does...

going to try to sleep

had a bottle of neuro hopefully that helps

i had like 3 hrs sleep last night and i think i might have taken a 20min nap this afternoon? i dunno i had my fitbit off...

also i hate that i can be okay after a few hours of alone time then the minute i encounter something/one everything is shot to hell

status

did not go to work today

went to pdoc... he's going to increase wellbutrin for 1mo... then if that hasn't helped he's going to go back down on the dose and add lamictal... because apparently he's added bipolar as a diagnosis now... eh

also its fairly remarkable how much less stressed and irritable i am without external stimuli from other humans... going to the office today was a bit annoying but now that I've been home for a few hours i'm okay again.... yet i was 'okay again' Wednesday before i went to work and it didn't take much to set me off

have an appt with Margaret in the morning, told work i may be in after..

spoke with aubrey... we're still here... we're amazed at that... we're like 6mos to 40...

its almost 4am and i have not been able to fall asleep

so, after 2 hours of trying without sucess i'm just going to type something here in hopes that my brain will quiet enough for me to at least get a nap

i dont know if i'm going to work today... i had to leave work yesterday at like 11.. i was more irritable than i've been in quite a while and i was physically feeling the irritation and i was doing all i could to not snap at people... so i left, both in self preservation and surrender to the fact that i could not recover and get it back under control.... its been a while... i used to be like this alot more often... hair trigger, anything would set me off... i cant do that again, its not fair to anyone....

so group made me promise to be safe and call for the pdoc appt tomorrow today whatever and i said i would, i think i will but i dont know what to do about work.. do i go do i stay what i dont know... i'm better after i've been alone for a bit, nobody, no external sttimuli... just nothing... music, tv, youtube whatever distracts me and somewhat relaxes me... i have 6 now 5 PTO days, well i only used 6ish or so hours today esterday, but i know i know its been a while coming i know i could see it coming for a while now even maybe the past yearbut i didnt want to believe it and i honestly didnt think i'd end up with this irritablility again.. i'm typing with my eyes closed, that is a skill i have, which is nice which is why i can turn to talk to someone and keep talking... i can type, thats something..

i just want to sleep right now, thats all i want and i know i came back from work and slept for like 3-4 hours or whatever then i took a nap again when i got back from group, i've been napping alot lately.. i still have the fucking fan to fix, but it'll be in the 80s for the next week so its not like its necessary but it will be... bonjovi's as my guitar lies bleeding just came on... its like a hug sorta, i dont know what it is but i like it... i like these days its one of my favorite albums but i need sleep but this song is so nice... ok i think maybe i've rambled enough that i can sleep though i still dont know what i' mdoing about work in the morning or in a few hours or whatever,

ughhhhh

I'm texting with Aubrey because I'm trying to accept the realization that I may need to change my meds... and i hate it, i loathe that... but i'm not blind... i prefer to ignore and shit but i know im not right... and the hearing aid breaking is such and objectively stupid thing to throw me into a tailspin

have to make an appointment for next week, i'm just trying to talk myself into saying something... also wednesday is the last group...