late night musings

well not really musings, just i thought id' be a good title... i'm depressed i know i am, but i dont necessarily care.... work is super taxing lately... its a struggle, i so want to tell people they're being crazy, though i did tell someone the other day i dont need them berating me when i'm trying to answer a question for him... that pissed me off... and i dont need it... i just i want it to be over, the project, everything potentially, i just dont know, i need a new fucking place to sleep, the couch is dying and yeah so.... also my elbows still weirdly sore when i'm home/sleeping... it doesnt bother me at work which i find somewhat odd, but then again i'm constantly on the computer at work and maybe i dont notice it its not like my arm is at my side/bent etc when i'm at work just sitting around here and sleeping... i'm actually tired tonight, which is kind of nice, no neuro needed... so goodnight...

ugh, its hot

its hot, there are tstorms coming, supposed to be muggy and i'm just not feeling it, also my elbows are sore, seems to be a result of being flexed for long periods, its worst when i wake up and its the arm thats bent that i sleep on, i think its related to my couch/bed nearing the end of its usable life, i mean its 10... thats decent for a couch, and one that is constantly used and slept in nightly so... i just i dont wanna get a new one, it'd need to be delivered, and ugh just ugh

Long Days

Its after group again, I didnt share much this week, unlike last week where it was only 3 people, including myself so it was a bit easier. I'm okay but I'm like just okay, like more of a teetering slightly offbalance sort of way. I'm i dunno i dont like to share i dont like people to worry and also i dont know it doesnt seem that bad sure its got lows but it gets back to normal mostly.... its kind of like quazi rapid cyling, low to okay and back again, not super stable but not crazy instable.

its mother's day

its mother's day, i see friends and their kids writing sincere thanks and creativity to their moms and i wonder how terrible a daughter i really am, because i just i dont think like that, i mean i can be thoughtful and sincere but i dont have this well of graditude and love for my mom, and i dont know that i ever have... its weird, i mean i love her yeah she's my mom but there is clearly something i've been missing all these years, and i dont know what it is or if i'll ever have it... there's never been this happy go lucky anything of me, if there ever was i dont remember it, i was always the stick in the mud... i sit here alone another weekend and while that game night a few weeks ago was fun, its nothing sustained, i dont make connections, i mean even the connections i have i dont know what to do with or really how they came about, kim, lamar, will... no idea why they continue to be my friends... i'm weird, i'm not a good friend i'm i dont know i got mulch and flowers the other day spent like $100 and i dont know why, i dont know why i've spent the money i've been spending lately, is it just because i have it? or am i trying to fill something but i dont know what .... every now and then i'd like to think there is someone out there that'd like me, love me even and fix me... but i know its unrealistic so i dont, and i feel like if there was i'd not want them around, i'd make their life miserable and i dont want to do that to people, and i dont know why i am still around, i mean i barely take care of myself i'm just waiting for death to come, i'd like sometimes to just drop dead die, like pa or even gram's dad, just gone... thats weird right? depressing even, and i'm taking my meds, i thought last weeks duldrums was just my period now i'm not so sure... i'm not sure at all...

Blech

I dont know exactly what it is.... is it my period or was this inevitable, i mean i've been having trouble falling asleep again, so I've been having neuro the past few weeks, it helps .... and work i dont know wtf is going on, its so stressful all of a sudden, its like nothing can go right, i want to quit, kinda, i dont know i just dont want to deal with it i want everyone to stop whining and just find a solution that solves the problem, maybe its not what the "vision" was but goddamnit its not magic... I'm getting the feeling that nobody likes me again, just like they tolerate me, i dont know.... i havent been having lunch w/ppl for months, it started out with meetings over lunch because the people in california, anyway i feel myself getting paranoid, also i dont know its like someone said at group do i want to travel or unravel as it may be down the road again, there really is nobody in my life... if i could head it off i'd do it, if i get too depressed i wont... i just i want it to quiet, i want it to stop, also i want for a day to really feel like someone cared, or whatnot i dont.. and i dont believe them if they say it, because most people are liars... especially when it comes to me...

grrr

So I dont know whats going on, today was stress, friday was stress, the weekend was okay, saw avengers (by myself!) got my hair cut (12") and I've finally stopped you know and i feel like crap again, I dont know