nook

my nook charger ceased to work today.... 3-5 days befor i can get the replacement B&N is shipping to me... ROAR

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

i cant fucking fall asleep, when i try i just get all infuriated again at trinity, she pulled the damn leash out of my hand and scared the beejeezes out of a woman her yorkie and two kids.... and im so furious still... i thought i was over it but i'm not im still upset, damnit ... its times like these when i think i should give her up and find her a new home where they wont be depressed and not take her out and play with her etc... she deserves better anyway...

exhale...

ok yesterday sucked... because yesterday sucked i came home took trinity out to do business came in, didnt turn on any lights, took off my shoes and lay down on the couch cried a bit and then slept til 10:30 this morning... 17 hours of sleep was nice...

napping dreams

so i fell asleep and napped for a bit, like 2.5hrs... had a dream that aubrey did come for vacation to visit and we got a hotel room to just get away and it was like very superficially fun... like it was good to get away but i didnt feel like i dont know vacationy in the dream... i'm afraid that may happen if she sticks to her plan of visiting next month... that sucks

drama?

maybe i'm just being overly dramatic... i've calmed considerably since this morning...

anxiety

ok so i have 10 days until my appointment, and i just i dont know, i know i need help i know i need probably more than 1x/week help but i dont know how i'm going to handle anything else... partial hosptialization is ok but i looked and its a 30 day program... timing of this sucks so bad, what happens if i disappear for 30 days from work during the evaluation period for the new re-org? ugh i dont know plus like i dont know if thats what it should be, am i really that bad? i mean i dont know, i've been able to muddle through... bleh bleh roar... ugh leaving the work up for another half hour to make up for the idiotic move of forgetting the laptop this morning.. yesterday was better, i slept nearly all day woke up for a few hours at 2 then 8-11... the rest of the day was sleep, which is nice... i wish i can find someone who i can really trust and talk to truthfully and hash out my crap... its so hard to find though

self awareness

you know being self aware enough to know your crazy is shitty... plus its like if your self aware you should be able to figure it out and justs suck it up and stop it but i cant, i just want to sink in, drift off and fade away... plus not only am i self aware i'm aware of how i effect others, and you know what it sucks it sucks alot and if i could just die just stop being it'd be the last time i'd effect them...

idiotic

left my fucking laptop in the car this morning so i rode the bus downtown then waited 15mins for the bus to come back home, really life isnt making it easy to want to continue this charade until i have an appt... i just so really dont care anymore

feeling or thinking?

so i'm pretty much biding my time until i have my appt... release was this morning it went well until people started to be stupid... so i extricated myself at around 11 and napped til 4:30 nobody called so that was good...

i was thinking on my drive to grab dinner about something that has always kind of confused me.. you know how people say i feel this way or that way.. i find its mostly a false kind of description, for me its i think this way or that way but rarely feel it, i mean like experience the emotion being described... does that make sense?

sherlock lives

there are a bunch of no shit sherlock depression screenings online, i mean really, oh you clicked that you've had thoughts of suicide you call 911, and oh your depressed you should seek help... bleh

i cant fall back asleep i took a nap and i cant fall back asleep and i have to be working at 7 for the release

so i was online looking to see if there was anything relevant that i could take and maybe print and take with me but there really isnt its all lame, i mean plus there is huge risk involved in being 100% truthful with someone with whom i've never met. i'm afraid that if i do i'm getting a 3 day stay at my local psych ward, and if i do it'll just be like last time anyway, sleep mope around and get discharged... which the last time the psychiatrist whom i did not speak to because he tried to wake my ass up to talk at the crack of dawn told my parents i was just an angsty 19yo... so there was nothing really wrong that he could do anything about.. yep gotta love the mental health system

my inclination and instinct is to always be cordial and truthful but only to the point that its relevant but not to the point that i'd be in danger of being committed, but you know thats really not true either, i was in near hysterics in july when i went and nope... so what am i worried about anyway right?

plus now since my appt isnt until the 28th i have a whole 2 weeks to mull over and think about it all... not my idea of a good time

now i have a working mouse...

i have a working mouse now... which is nice... but i'm still all bleh

those annoyances

you know just when i start liking this side "project" i was appointed to at work it gets taken away... freaking A its so annoying..

grumble

ok so i just called and got new appts elsewhere, therapy and psychiatrist... cancelled my appt next week... i just never know how these things go... roar why?

seriously??

ok so i got dragged into HR because someone said i smelled foul...seriously?

also what is with the incompetence of the testers lately, giant white space where an image should be... really you didnt notice that?? lord!

work computers

does everyone's work computer take at minimum 20mins to boot up into a workable state or is that just here? TODAY it took over an hour, at the conclusion of the 1st hour windows told me it was finished installing updates (and being a total resource hog) and that i had to reboot, so i did, when it came back it was fine after 15mins of i dont know what.. but its working... albeit the windows updates icon went nearly immediately from green to yellow, so did it not install correctly or did it just not install everything so this will happen the next time i reboot, good thing i only reboot over the weekends.. LORD!

pfffbt

here i am at an impass, pretty much either i make an attempt at getting back into therapy and be honest and accept the consequences of that or i die, i just dont know what the right choice is... bleh pffbt

all alone

ok i wont lie, i've been considering this birthday to be my last and frankly it seems less cruel than doing it any other day... when i was sick last week it spotlighted and punctuated my aloneness... weird thing is i want someone to care, i've always wanted someone to care but i cant find someone and i cant allow anyone either.. i'm not on my meds that fell to the wayside after i moved to the couch... and i went up to my old room and its destroyed, dog shit, dog destroyed mattress, random crap dog's dragged up to the room... yup its fabulous... and i think about cleaning, i buy stuff to do that but i just have zero motivation to clean, who am i doing this for? i dont care about me, thats been obvious for a while, my god my hair is matted i havnt washed it in like 5 months! but contrary to what my parents had led me to believe nobody cares... the thing is i cannot figure out the animals, i love them but its like i already lost the cats when i got the dog, and well trinity is she's still puppyish and her destruction and stealing are entirely my fault, i havnt taken her for a real walk since my breakdown last summer... i just dont know... and it really pisses me off i never got the referral for a new shrink i asked for from my psychiatrist... apparently all he's good for is a new script every few months... why dont i call for one myself you ask? well i dont know who to call besides it takes like a month to get an appointment anyway and i feel like i can talk now, not a month from now a month from now if i'm still here i'll do what i always do and say yeah everythings fine, sure i think about killing myself sometimes, nah i dont have a plan... sure next week.. ok see you then... bleh!

i am no longer sick!

i am back, no longer sick, ate 3 meals and no digestive annoyances yay!!

sick

ugh i was sick sick this week.. went home from work tuesday feeling like crap getting a fever, slept for nearly 24 hours felt alittle better only to discover i had what has to have been one of the worst diarrea that i've had... i swear to god!! plus when i finally felt well enough to go out and get some anti diarreal, it was nearly sold out! apparently this was going around! luckily i'm better now, i ate yesterday and today... like i mean meals not just soup... but you know like being sick kind of punctuates how alone i am ... which sucks, i really dont know what to do about it either, how pathetic is that? like i mean i KNOW what to do but i dont know or how.. you know?