friends?

so i've been thinking, i apparently am either very very bad at being a friend so nobody wants to call me or include me or whatnot, or i'm miserable at picking friends or something i havnt figured out... i just dont get it

normalcy sorta

i feel more calm, normal tonight but who knows med inconsitancy doesnt seem to play well with me does it?

articulation

the articulation of ideas is a tricky waterway of pitfalls and waterfalls, and some white water... composing in the realm of my own brain and thoughts everything is eloquent, mostly, prose that makes perfect sense... i have no idea where i was got interrupted by my boss walking by and saying hi... whatever

work

work is what fills the time between sleeping, unconciousness

being human

just caught up on being human... i like it, and i think i relate to it ... like the last episode commented about how people long for connections, touch... but they dont get it, they cant because when they do people get hurt, how i feel, although i'm not a vampire a werewolf or a ghost, i'm alone, i've alienated myself from everyone for their own good, because i dont have total control, i dont know i still have thoughts, wants to just stop end it i just havnt fallen down the black hole to do anything, and i'm still on the goddamn couch, i swear i was going to clean but i didnt, big suprise huh? i just wish there could be someone a real live human being who i could let in and who would care, and not judge and not snidely comment behind my back or to my face for that matter... just someone, someone i dont actually think exists as much as i would like it to be true, i think i'm alone for the duration, however long that turns out to be...

confused

today was a strange fucking day woke up felt awful, i think i had a fever, very dizzy.. i think i dreampt that i puked... whatever i called in sick and slept til 5:30 however i'm still exhausted, i dont know what the fuck i caught but i have no more fever, i'm thinking i had a fever because i was so fucking confused this morning.. and now aubrey calls wanting to talk, needing brutally honest life advice... i still dont know who i keep going for i really dont... i did however remember to take my meds tonight... the med thing is so horrible now sleeping on the couch and all... so tired...

meds schmeds

ok so i'm on not a schedule with my meds, mostly due to my sleeping arrangement on the couch at the moment, my routine is bombed, so i remember when i remember... and lately i've been feeling, not really feeling more a state of being of emptiness, nothingness... i have these exceptional articulations of things in my head, mostly at night keeping me up but i can never properly articulate these things during the day by speaking or by writing, i need some kind of thought recording device to do that properly.. also i forget there was an also, i'm just tired, like i want to take a day off but its like i wont get a damn thing done i'll just sleep all day.. its so pointless... and i'm more writing this to keep myself busy because if i dont keep myself busy, reading, working, watching tv or something i start to think about my life and the realization of how pitiful it is... and i want someone to care, wish it would happen that someone would or even could care without a commentary of insults accompanying it.. or something, i mean not even my family, my parents can do that... i seriously dont think that exists... listening to goodbye love ... and i need a nap, although i did fall asleep around 2:30 which is fairly good when my brain doesnt shut off.. i dunno, i have a meeting at 10, so i have a half our to fill my time and make sure i'm doing something, anything.. i'm not, no i'm sure i cant type for another half our of whatever comes to mind.. so i'll end here for now.. i may return if i become bored enough

monday

so.. i feel like crap... i hate it why cant i just let the abyss take me away and let me not care and just end it, but no i cant seem to slip away :(

zero

i have zero motivation to do a goddamn thing, i got up went to work and i'm a bit tired but i dont have any ambition to do anything, dude i didnt even get breakfast

what is going on?

ok so let me tell you, came home from work on friday, dog puke in the hallway... ok no biggie, went about my evening, then went up to bed, bed is stripped and there is dog puke all over the mattress.. so i'm staying in the livingroom, i just dont have the ambition or wearwithall to fix anything, the puke was dry smelly and what do i do, i ignore it... and i keep ignoring everything, nothing really matters ... no meds this weekend just because i've been in the livingroom and meds are upstairs.. i had like plans this weekend and i wake up this morning in time to do things and it freaking snowed, it was supposed to rain and maybe a dusting but no like a half inch of ssnow, and thats not much but it made me not want to do a damn thing today, so i didnt... now i'm living in the livingroom, feeling miserable as always on the weekends... its getting somewhat harder to just keep going... pretending everything is great when it isnt, and i'm not even pretending this are great they arent and they just well they are, pretending things are more normal than they are i guess is what it is.. and its not.. and i can take a week off and wouldnt get a call or anything, i dont even think my 'work friend(s)' would be those friends if i didnt work with them daily... if i didnt i'd just be another person in the building... i dont know.. its what it always is right and its not going to change because i dont have the energy to change it..

feeling?

i'm not feeling much lately, i'm just kinda numb and alone, feeling alone, but i dont like feel like ineed to talk or anything although ocassionally i do, but to who? dr frye never got the referral done so i guess he doesnt think its necessary for me, just keep refilling those scripts... grr