that darn.. dog?

so trinity had fun yesterday eating my meds, ate what i had of buspirone, which thankfully wasnt a full bottle, the full bottle is at work and the 8 or so that i took home was all she ate and my lexapro was strewn about in the knocked over trash, a few tabs were crushes presumably from biting them but apparently they arent tasty because they were just primarily all over the place, one tab was saved and that i took last night, now its up to the pharmacy to see if i can get a refill...

B-O-R-E-D

OMG!! I am SOOOOO bored today... need some mental stimuli or something soo boring

and again

and once again i feel worse after having gone to therapy... really this shouldnt happen... i cant explain it well i was asked to and gave some half bullshit answer, but really there is no conversation really its me talk and you analyse why cant i be engaged in a conversation, its easier to talk that way... and i've realized lately that it still would do no good and has done no good really... i mean sure i feel better but i dont feel better, i dont know... like my scars and my picking only two people in my life have ever said anything directly to me about it and i respect that, neither of whom have ever been any shrink i've ever seen, my old PCP from MA and Will... two people, either they're ballsy and everyone else is just chicken or my shrinks havnt been too observant... and another thing.. i went back to my shrink as a measure of last resort because i was spiraling i couldnt concentrate or sleep and i couldnt go through the new paitent bullshit with someone new, as i'd tried to do... which i respect the guy i saw because he gleaned some things from a very superficial conversation however i wasnt going to go back it wasnt going to work as i was still out of control, or losing control... i want someone to get it or i dont know if i want to be here... really what i said a few weeks ago about how i was sad that i wasnt ever really truly let it all go suicidal is true, that would have made things so much easier... i could have made a decision instead of being hopelessly indecisive... and really if i could just not have therapy and just forget the whole incident i think it would be better, now just to shoo it away again because it had been shooed mostly until i agreed to this appt today... really why do i do this?

end of therapy?

so i ended therapy today, well with my current shrink at least, i just dont think i need to go twice a week, its i dont know i think like once a month would suffice and what is wrong with disagreeing anyway, and if i dont answer i dont want to be called, and i did intend on replying but when my own time limit came i still had no idea what to say... so onto the next most likely i dont know.. whatever right?

its hot

my livingroom has the suckiest air circulation ever

question

is it really that horrible of me to want my friends to think of me and call me once in a while and not it always be me calling them?

normal again

oh i feel normal again today, amazing

lazy day

today was a relatively good day

dude

i slept til 2:30 and i got that monthly visitor in spades fabulous, and i'm tired and i have a slight headache, oh and i fell down the stairs but no sprains

need a title

i feel shitty this morning, i just dont know, like anything... i come in and first email i have feels like its attacking me... and yeah i've been neglecting it but i cant get a straight answer out of anyone and apparently people cant have a meeting w/o me ... and this whole content mess.. i just i dont know what is up... and my shrink, intellectually it all makes sense but i'm emotionally wrecked and its not helping, infact i feel worse for having gone the last two sessions... i really loathe having to find a new shrink, which is why i broke down and called instead of going to WPIC last week... last week it feels alittle longer ago than that, but thats all it was.. i mean i'm no longer unravelling like i was but its just a slower pace i think, i'm not really sure about that even.. .blech

catch 22

you know its a complete catch 22 in regard to having a life outside work... frankly i've never had a social life, i always feel intrusive ... and even if i wanted to try its like i dunno, they wouldnt want me around after a while anyway because i'm no fun..

workaholic

christine... your a workaholic... thats basically it... nothing more than that... either work more to create a better escape or find something to do a social life or something outside of work

damn thats it, voila, its so simple.. i'll just do that, thanks... i dont think i'm keeping my appointment next weekend because obviously its so simple..

what an idiot

seriously, i'm just not thinking and why should i really have to make anyone elses life easier? really? plus i really wish i could be committal to something, i dont like therapy never really have and after tuesday's session i really dont want to continue.. and i dont like this middle of nowhereness i am mentally, like i'd rather be like really suicidal... as in having made peace given up and set forth with a plan... instead of this wishy washy crap

reality

how do we know something is real... we cant rely on our sight, people can have visual hallucinations and our eyes can play tricks on us... there is a whole slew of visual oddities and magic based on these priciples... can we rely on our hearing, no .. that again can be tricked .. smell... nope trickery afoot there too... touch, maybe but then what about us is real aside from our bodies, are our minds and our thoughts then ever truly real, do we know the difference and if so how can we tell?

blech

ok well my sleepiness drowsiness fatigue from starting my meds has or is or was initated to be wearing off and i'm feeling crappy again... WTF?

really

shouldnt you feel better after a shrink appt not worse?

observationally deficent...

so my post appointment post... so i'm observationally deficent in a worldly interpersonal sense... which i have to admit makes sense but it also was described as self centeredness.. i dunno so what does this all mean? frankly i was too tired today to argue... but i dont know i think i'm passable.. and he said he doesnt know what help conversations are going to be and frankly then neither do i... why should i go? i mean if its a deeply ingrained personality flaw of mine why even take meds? no seriously if thats the case why not just let it be survival of the fittest, frankly i dont know why i called anyway i should have just done something gotten myself commited or something seriously... and i have ZERO paitence to start out with a new shrink... or is this all my self centered ness going on here huh? i dont know whats up.

one constant

if there is one thing that always happens when i start meds, its that they make me TIRED... i slept all night.... 10 hours.... that is the most sleep ive gotten in a shot in like over a month