hectic, whirlwind? not really...

not the words i'm really looking for.. partially relaxing i dont know hit super traffic going to my session today there was this little one car accident guy drove off the road and hit the little metal barrier on the side, dinged his headlight but didnt look like anything super big but damn did it snarl traffic, actually i think it snarled traffic more because the cop was parked behind him with his lights on than anything, traffic was already slow because of construction but lordy it took FOR EVER today... i was 15mins late when i normally arrive 15mins early, i park write my check, walk over maybe get a fruit smoothie... nope not today oh and i just had running thoughts of the past week today i dont know that we spoke so much as i talked... also its weird i felt good today, scary for me but i dont know it never seems quite real when i feel good.. anyway thats about it...

yesterday now that was the hectic day, came in meeting got moved well added to and a half hour earlier ... so i didnt have the half hour i thought i had so i ran downstairs grabbed breakfast ran back up and was running around eating my breakfast while getting my shit together... a few people gave me looks but i said dont ask and they didnt, they've come to know i'm a bit quirky by now.. didnt sit down at my desk til like 2pm after lunch then its like i didnt get done what i wanted to because of environmental issues and then the project manager wanted to get something done before testing commenced which would have been fine except i really wanted to get users set straight, set up ready ya know? sheesh man but i got out a half hour early due to my morning hecticness.. so i guess that was good.. would have been better if i had a life but i digress

speaking of which i spoke with john and he said they'd be having a bbq/picnic thing maybe next week or so, so that'll be fun...

thats all for now folks

last lost of 08

ah... i'm slighty dumbfounded... more because of the claire/kate you cant take aaron back ever scene and basically it seems the other island in the know characters say you have to return..

i was expecting christian in the coffin for a second then... i was like are they going to tell us... and they did.. and damn.. and does desmond count too? what big bad happened? i mean no other meanies are left there right... well charlotte and ghostbuster are but i mean nobody really... and who knows what happened to faraday..

is jeremy benedum an acronym, i gotta see about that later...

oh and my landscaping got done yesterday yay :)

dog day

woke up to yet another dog fight with the same dog aggressor but with a shephard this time.. seriously twice in two weekends, the lady should walk the dog muzzled if he needs to defend her that vigorously... oh and i hit a dog today too, dog ran away looked okay but damn it shouldnt have been out w/o a leash w/o a collar and running onto the street from the woods where i couldnt see it til it was too late, damn kid saw me hit his dog too, then the dad made himself feel better by yelling at me then walking away.. what did he want me to do? i mean seriously? i suppose he decided to walk away because he knew i didnt see the damn dog sheesh

i should feel worse but i dont, i'm annoyed at the owners in both cases..

stranger than fiction

just finished watching it.. awesome movie.. reflective actually of my session today... transformation, making a change not walking the same line devoid of social interaction... i just dont know how to make that leap... harold, the main character, was seemingly placed in a situation where he could do so, albeit doing so in some respect because of the narration of his life in his head by the author... i have to say if it were me, i believe i'd make the same choice and tell the author the book made sense with the death and go off to accept it, although i dont know if i would be so spared as harold was... you never know but i think i have somewhat of a longer path to trod to make those types of fundamental broad reaching changes to my life.. only time will tell right?

ltnp

well kinda... nothing much to report, lazy day at work went on a deleting rampage to clean up unused files from 2006 and early 2007... and there are still more to delete, hopefully by the EOW it'll be cleaned up.. monday is a holiday, long weekend no plans i think my friends are going out of town so.. i'll be putzing around the house

friend of mine at work told me today she's leaving, kinda, friday... she's moving back south and marrying her ex, and now she's going to be on permanent telecommute and flying in ocassionally... and another work friend is also leaving friday for bigger and better..

i got me a cut from my sobe tonight, and whats with these season finale's lately is it like a requirement that some cast member die this year?

weekend summary

ok saturday i woke up to screaming... a dog fight apparently happened, it appeared someones puppy got out of the house and someone walking a mastiff and a small dog, were involved... i'm assuming the mastiff won, but geez... what a way to wake up!

today it was lazy boring rainy sleepy... meds are okay... no longer dizzy that actually wore off quicker than i'd expected... still a bit tired all weekend but dont know if that had to do with the meds or the lazyiness that is totally spelled wrong

this week should be busy... also had to pay my damn gas bill.. i'm so bad with that one!

past, present, future?

shrinker day today... we talked, i listened, he's right but i dont know.. i do spend alot of time "in the past" it serves no purpose other than to occupy my time which i have no other use for at the moment...

unfortunatly as much as i talk about change and wants etc i still have no inate drive to do anything... maybe the meds will help? maybe i should start actually talking about how i feel and think? i dont know when i do that i'm like nearing the end of my rope but i'm not there at the moment i'm hanging by the rope but i'm not at the end right now.. hanging like i dunno middle, center i suppose but not quite supported by my feet...

also LOST is very past present future lately... i'd be nice to have some kind of crystal ball to the past events if only to observe and potentially learn something from watching you didnt learn from being in the moment, also i dont know what i'm saying nevermind... doc jensen has a great article on tonights episode though

hmmm

mildly irritable today... wonder if its the meds starting to kick in or i was just irritable today... dunno... med #2 starting tomorrow... hopefully that'll balance me out, although the one thing i do notice is my sleep is getting more stabilized, not falling asleep randomly etc..

i was bored

In 1979 (the year you were born)

Jimmy Carter is president of the US A major accident occurs at a nuclear reactor on Three Mile Island near Middletown, PA An American Airlines DC-10 loses its engine and crashes seconds after takeoff, killing 275 people Hurricane David kills over 1200 in the US and the Dominican Republic Some 90 people, including 63 Americans, are taken hostage at the American Embassy in Tehran, Iran The Soviet Union invades Afghanistan ESPN starts broadcasting Aaliyah, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Norah Jones, Heath Ledger, and Kate Hudson are born Pittsburgh Pirates win the World Series Pittsburgh Steelers win Superbowl XIII Montreal Canadiens win the Stanley Cup Kramer vs. Kramer is the top grossing film Sophie's Choice by William Styron is published "My Sharona" by The Knack spends the most time at the top of the US charts The Facts of Life premiers

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

death trend setta

okay that title is indicative of the song i'm listening to at the moment and has no real meaning ... anyway..

just got off the phone w/aubrey, it was funny we kept asking/telling wade to tell mommy happy birthday and his response was always no, until that is he kept asking for a story and i suggested to tell him there would be no story until he told mommy happy birthday.. and he DID, damn 3 year old thwarting our plan to keep talking... sheesh lol

also didnt mention this the other day or maybe i did but psychiatrist had the nerve to tell me i was topic jumping... phooey, people have to stay with me and fill in the blanks, its really not that difficult if you stay with me.. there are some people who have perfected the art of staying with me and can follow a thought train ...

walking down a path..

familiar yet not the one i exactly want to be on... just took my pill..

LOST

okay onto more interesting things... claire is sooo definately of the deceased population of that island now.. and whats with locke, the island has been hunting him down for his entire life.. and whats with abbadon? is he working for widmore? is he island native? why would both alpert and abbadon be looking for locke, whats the connection... where does ben fit into this weird connect your lost characters connect the dots game we play

and isnt jack supposed to find out claire is his sister this season? i'm surmising he knows at some point because of the comment in the flash forward he made to kate last week that "your not even related to him" ...

oh and the helicopter reached the island pretty damn speedily last night didnt it? and i'm not too impressed with the freighters guriella warfare thats happening...

and Move the Island? okay i get the time weirdness about the island but MOVE the ISLAND? wonder how thats going to happen, did ben move the island, is that why widmore cant find it?

and what about the Orchid station? we're supposed to go there this season right? i'm assuming thats the station where we move the island based on the video for the station.. but get me there already sheesh

did anyone catch the comic book locke was obviously supposed to have chosen over the knife.. it seems to be about the island, was it the same comic series that the spanish comic was from season 1 that walt had found that was hurleys?

thinking..

so we had pizza today at work, there is a picture of me... i'm gianormous now... ugh..

also i have my meds downstairs, havnt actually taken them yet...

i just dont know.. man i wish i was just depressed and not "okay" not good but just okay... just okay is so... whats the word i'm looking for... its so mediocre but thats not quite it either.. its okay in the sense that yeah i'm generally fine but there are those moments that i still ask myself what the fuck are you still around for? ya know?

ah to medicate...

okay so saw the psychiatrist, i think i sounded a tad more crazy than usual.. but the whole med argument kinda wears on me i suppose... but i got a script, have it filled and its sitting downstairs.. i figure i'll start tomorrow night...

shrink exercises etc

okay so saw the shrink today.. i've missed a developmental milestone for not caring about my birthday... yes i'm aware i should not care about this at this point thank you but i cant help it... *sigh*

okay so today's exercise was goals... of which i pretty much have none so we sat there for almost an hour to come up with this list ...

• repave driveway
• call landscapers to get rid of the ugly vine thing in the backyard
• remodel kitchen
• replace carpet
• vacation to see aubrey
• go back to school, maybe vet again (highly doubtful though i must say)
• snorkling/scuba
• travel abroad
• get myself a hydrogen car, preferably a SUV
• own grams house, and grammies get the whole corner back
• perm position at my job
• own a house having money for maid and landscaping services
• lose weight
• get a dog
• get one of those enormous wall fishtanks
• have bicoastal residences and maybe one here too
• take another road trip
• get some solar panel roofing
• cruise
• i cannot read my own writing here.. i'll return, okay i remember it says do one of those vacations that are on finding cash & treasures on the travel channel...
• got to all 50 states
• skydiving
• a proper hammock
• date
• sex
• call a nutritionist

i have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow too.. you know what too? when compliling this list i was asked if i could do anything right now by pushing a button what would i do.. this was my motivation to keep coming up with stuff... my first inclination was to end it, done, over with, dead... yeah i'm nuts huh?

fire drill

okay so the whole building evacuation thing wasnt as bad as i had thought it'd be, more people than i anticipated also decided to skip the walking down 17 stories to evacuate... made me feel better because i was a bit stressed about the whole walking down the stairs in a crowd, i think i'm a bit more afraid of the walking down the stairs thing than i thought, i realized this morning that even in my own house when i walk down the stairs i have one hand on the railing and the other on the wall...

sigh

lazy day, i need a lawnperson and someone to rip out that goddamn vine.. also if someone could just come through and throw everything away that'd be nice too.. or someone to help clean although the house is such a sty i wont let anyone in..

ice fields

if you know me i loathe mental health analogies, however i'm feeling like recently i've been like walking on one of those artic floating ice fields... stable for a while then wobbly hopping around to try to find the next piece of stable ground hoping the one i step on next isnt going to topple over and i have to swim out grab on and try to pull myself up again before hypothermia kicks in and i'm just too tired to give a shit and give up...

dude

dude was the word of the day today... and i worked ALL DAY today too... got to work at 7:02 and left at i think it was like 10:56 when i got in my car...

but the stuff is in and everything is hunky dory... with the release that is, got stuff done for new project, ended the dental project, now only 2 projects, my real project and the new project...

it'll be nice to only have to keep track of my time for two projects now