wow

 this may already be more posts than last year .... its weird, everything is weird actually... taking meds on time daily again ... also work i dont even know... and covid dude they're telling the people they wanted back in the office to WFH this week and next because its still going around... in some ways i still think i want to get it again and it do what it didnt the first time becuase how the hell did that work? like i get a cold and i'm coughing up a lung and losing my voice normally.... i get covid and eh... well not really eh... i do have a pulse ox and the LOWEST it got was 73% while I was standing in the kitchen, thus why there is still a chair in my tiny kitchen that i dragged over then so i didnt faint or something... but no long lasting anything really granted i havent been to the drs since basically but whatever....

i have a half day tomorrow because i worked the weekend and if i didnt schedule it and soon i wouldnt take it... so thats a this year thing i'm going to try to take the time back for myself that i extend... 

on a whim i decided hey i never watched the end of dawsons creek, i mean i think i watched the finale but thats it i dont even know how many seasons i watched when it aired my guess is one or two based on when they aired... but anyway on a whim i decided to watch because i figured jensen.... and i forgot why i no longer watch shows like that, dramas... they make you think and thinking is what makes me have to write here so i can go on with the day or fall asleep so ... 

just let me live in the camraderie Dean Winchester provides because he's philosophically got the same perspectives I do on a lot of things and traits while also being so much better of a human and sibling than i ever was... so ... also his character bday was today/yesterday 1/24 and its also brigids birthday... its weird i havent really spoken with her since we broke up junior year about whatever we had a fight about but its like my childhood best friends birthday its not something i forget, dont know about anyone else, but she was also always more my friend than i was hers so i doubt she knows mine anymore... so yeah thats whats happening... cool beans... 

oh AND i was just going to say well i'm just crazy and i said that to eric last night when we were chatting, like i'll never understand why he puts up with my crazy but i'm glad he does and he said something to the effect of he likes my crazy but i could go look up the chat and thats just its so weird, i dont think he knows what he's saying like i want to believe he does but i dont know he does... i am legitimately crazy ... oh ok i'm gonna sign off you know once i get my fingers on the right keys which clearly i've done since i'm no longer typing and erasing jibberish..  

apparently...

 apparently my mood the last few weeks coupled with my lax adherence to taking my meds and my improved mood this week is proof of the fact that i should in fact be medicated... this doesn't irritate me quite as much as it once did but man! then its like to not be medicated for any length of time again and be assured a bad outcome isnt great either.... where's the balance here? hmmm 

one more thing...

I still don't know how to not be depressed or dysthymia and I see like Zach Levi & Jared & others like embracing not or even sometimes being but I just don't know how to think otherwise at least right now I now a fee times when I've been in a good place I've been positive let's say, this too shall pass and all and believing what I was saying but knowing all that may be true and believing/feeling it are vastly different 

huh

 Didnt realize I didnt do a new years post... it was boring anyway... you know some days i'm ok but that means like okay not good not bad just okay...and then i'm not also i'm not taking my meds regularly i blame that on vacation + booster + period gotta find that routine again... missing meds is probably not helping

so its weird; like i kind of want to have it out or write a letter or something but i also dont want to bother because why should i? i mean things, even friendships run their course right... even the ones that have been around the longest... its just weird

work is alsosuper annoying but im gonna just put my head down and get shit done im so exasperated with everyone there, and sometimes i feel like i get stuff done then most of the time lately its just being taken advantage of, this management reorg has been terrible; at least i'm not the only one who thinks so...

eric has been like busy or just out/offline since that emergency thing in stl... and i messaged him knowing he hasnt been on the app lately because i came to a realization/conclusion the other day that all i really want, like right now is for someone to give me a hug, but not just someone, someone who cares, and i feel like cares and not cares because they're familially obligated to... just someone who can wrap their arms around me and give me a hug so i can take a second and relax and let them hold me so i can breathe... thats all i want... doesnt even have to last that long... and i also think dude thats so pathetically sad...

ugh 2022 is off to a smashing start....