today just sucked, all around
went to the audiologist, my receiver did go bad, but there were none in stock... so she ordered me one that'll ship to me by monday... but not only that but my appointment was a half hour late, because the dude before me came in late ... so... i was in no better mood when i got back to work i really wanted to just go... but i was going to stay for a meeting which i did then i got an email with some data mining to do and that occupied me for enough time.... then i did some of the annual training, which i can complete tomorrow
i just dont feel like i got anything done at all... so i left at 4:30 which is technically early due to the appointment debachle but whatever... i got home and took a nap with the weitghted blanket, that was nice, got up, dinner, trinity out, good place .. so now i've been putzing around for the past 2 hours... right now listen/watching a rhettandlinkast and then i think i'm going to turn in with my weighted blanket
blah
Thursday, September 27, 2018
crap breaks
okay so, last night i tried to sleep with just the white noise but my brain wanted to run away about the heater/fan situation... which i totally need to rectify if i'm to survive the winter and have heat... i've been playing the book of mythicality at night to fall asleep because its distracting enough that my brain doesnt run away, i've read and listened to the book so i dont feel like i'm missing anything to fall asleep and the guys voices are soothing, more rhett's than links but they work
today i've been in a funk, plus my hearing aid broke this morning, i'm hoping its just the receiver but fuck its out of warranty and those things are pricey; its not that i dont have the money for it but thats besides the point.. plus they arent covered by insurance because why would they be that'd be too useful... got an appt tomorrow to see if its just that otherwise goddamn... plus the tinnitus that i've now had all day has been super fucking annoying, along with people being super fucking annoying and i had it, i'm out i'm fucking exasperated with the day...
went to group... next week is the last group.. margaret is pausing group for the winter, which i get i'm not keen on driving up there in winter weather every week at night so thats fine but that also means i gotta switch back to individual and group > individual... so i'm not 100% sure how i feel about any of that, particularly because i havent been great... i've been okay insofar that i'm functional but i'm not great, we'll see how this goes
got home, watched that new show a million little things... i'm not sure about it, its not bad, its not exceptional, its good i like the cast... but i'm not sold just yet
listened to an old rhettandlinkast and it entertains me, i have that entire library to go through which is nice, since i've gone through i think all the youtube so far, i also have some earbiscuits left that i haven't listened to yet... i also hadnt seen the 'viewing party' from s11/12 so watched that tonight, had some really great episodes in it, i find all the mayim bialik episodes hilarious and there was one in it
now i should be getting to bed... but i figured i should do an entry and maybe try to do one at least once a week since there wont be group... not that i utilize it to its fullest. which i dont, but i'm only comfortable with part of the group the new people i'm on the fence about, well really just one of them... i dont know what it is... whatever groups over next week.... oh and saw megan she had an appt before group started which was nice... but i'm still kinda in a mood we'll see when i see the audiologist tomorrow what kind of mood it will be....
today i've been in a funk, plus my hearing aid broke this morning, i'm hoping its just the receiver but fuck its out of warranty and those things are pricey; its not that i dont have the money for it but thats besides the point.. plus they arent covered by insurance because why would they be that'd be too useful... got an appt tomorrow to see if its just that otherwise goddamn... plus the tinnitus that i've now had all day has been super fucking annoying, along with people being super fucking annoying and i had it, i'm out i'm fucking exasperated with the day...
went to group... next week is the last group.. margaret is pausing group for the winter, which i get i'm not keen on driving up there in winter weather every week at night so thats fine but that also means i gotta switch back to individual and group > individual... so i'm not 100% sure how i feel about any of that, particularly because i havent been great... i've been okay insofar that i'm functional but i'm not great, we'll see how this goes
got home, watched that new show a million little things... i'm not sure about it, its not bad, its not exceptional, its good i like the cast... but i'm not sold just yet
listened to an old rhettandlinkast and it entertains me, i have that entire library to go through which is nice, since i've gone through i think all the youtube so far, i also have some earbiscuits left that i haven't listened to yet... i also hadnt seen the 'viewing party' from s11/12 so watched that tonight, had some really great episodes in it, i find all the mayim bialik episodes hilarious and there was one in it
now i should be getting to bed... but i figured i should do an entry and maybe try to do one at least once a week since there wont be group... not that i utilize it to its fullest. which i dont, but i'm only comfortable with part of the group the new people i'm on the fence about, well really just one of them... i dont know what it is... whatever groups over next week.... oh and saw megan she had an appt before group started which was nice... but i'm still kinda in a mood we'll see when i see the audiologist tomorrow what kind of mood it will be....
Sunday, September 16, 2018
still a weird animal
just realized i never did a post HVFF post... so this is it... depression is still weird.. like HVFF was a good weekend, i didn't have as much fun as last year, i dunno the NP party was a highlight that was absent this year, did a dinner with HVFF peeps which was good it i don't know what i was there and included but i also kinda felt like i wasn't, insofar as i'm not the regular that most of them are...
they announced next years dates, same weekend as the 1st year, which is overall better but I already have plans that week we'll likely be in Holland for a joint cousin's wedding, family thing, the TX family birthdays and a farewell party for the lake house... i could drive from MA and do it but i don't know; also they stripped all the value out of the premium ticket so that sucks too... like the pass i usually get, when you adjust everything you're paying 5x as much as before for the extra services; now it was really a steal i mean doing the math is why i got it... but i don't know
anyway the word on the floor was the premiere dates for Code8 LA would be sometime in March or April which is awesome... and I really still want to go, despite everything with the perks I want to see the movie and SA & RA are great people... RA gave me the skinny on why SA's auto is basically illegible on the jersey i won... and I quote "he was shitfaced" 😂
i still have zero motivation to do anything around the house, i have supplies to do the basement so i can get the fan fixed, but god i'm so lazy.. i call myself lazy but i really have zero motivation to do like anything... for instance, i fully planned on going to the company picnic Friday since the last 2 years its been the same week as HVFF and i was already on the road when it was happening... so i went i drove there, the parking situation was insane and horrible... so instead of parking on the side of the road with just about everyone else i drove home the back way instead... the parking thing made me really annoyed and after that i just didn't want to see people... so i stopped at the grocery store got a few things and headed home... which is where I've been... which makes it feel like a long weekend again because its only Saturday night or 2am on sunday morning whatever your perspective you'd like to take for it...
its like i have tons of stuff coming up for next year but i'm still stuck now and i really don't know how to not be.... like i wish i had the energy and wind in my sails i had 2 years ago... that happens so infrequently and then its gone as soon as i realize whats happening... yeah it was a good 2 months or so i think but thats still the blink of an eye in the scheme of things and not even in the grand scheme of things... sometimes i wish i could use group but i don't really know how to take off the facade and as i've said before if i take it off what happens if it breaks or i cant regain footing or i don't know i cant be the walking wounded i used to be its just not even an option anymore, not that it was ever really an option... but i honestly have no idea what i did all junior year of high school... like i know i was depressed, i''d been depressed, hell i tried to kill myself the year before... but like i don't have a school photo, i think i lived at dad's; no i know i did because i got my license sophomore year and it had dad's address... like there's a whole year thats basically a blur and i don't really know what happened... thats weird right? anyway i'm just rambling now and i'd keep topic jumping if i let myself keep talking/typing... but i can see i'm at the end of the default visible area of the textarea here and i think thats enough for now, look the scroll activated... definitely enough for now
they announced next years dates, same weekend as the 1st year, which is overall better but I already have plans that week we'll likely be in Holland for a joint cousin's wedding, family thing, the TX family birthdays and a farewell party for the lake house... i could drive from MA and do it but i don't know; also they stripped all the value out of the premium ticket so that sucks too... like the pass i usually get, when you adjust everything you're paying 5x as much as before for the extra services; now it was really a steal i mean doing the math is why i got it... but i don't know
anyway the word on the floor was the premiere dates for Code8 LA would be sometime in March or April which is awesome... and I really still want to go, despite everything with the perks I want to see the movie and SA & RA are great people... RA gave me the skinny on why SA's auto is basically illegible on the jersey i won... and I quote "he was shitfaced" 😂
i still have zero motivation to do anything around the house, i have supplies to do the basement so i can get the fan fixed, but god i'm so lazy.. i call myself lazy but i really have zero motivation to do like anything... for instance, i fully planned on going to the company picnic Friday since the last 2 years its been the same week as HVFF and i was already on the road when it was happening... so i went i drove there, the parking situation was insane and horrible... so instead of parking on the side of the road with just about everyone else i drove home the back way instead... the parking thing made me really annoyed and after that i just didn't want to see people... so i stopped at the grocery store got a few things and headed home... which is where I've been... which makes it feel like a long weekend again because its only Saturday night or 2am on sunday morning whatever your perspective you'd like to take for it...
its like i have tons of stuff coming up for next year but i'm still stuck now and i really don't know how to not be.... like i wish i had the energy and wind in my sails i had 2 years ago... that happens so infrequently and then its gone as soon as i realize whats happening... yeah it was a good 2 months or so i think but thats still the blink of an eye in the scheme of things and not even in the grand scheme of things... sometimes i wish i could use group but i don't really know how to take off the facade and as i've said before if i take it off what happens if it breaks or i cant regain footing or i don't know i cant be the walking wounded i used to be its just not even an option anymore, not that it was ever really an option... but i honestly have no idea what i did all junior year of high school... like i know i was depressed, i''d been depressed, hell i tried to kill myself the year before... but like i don't have a school photo, i think i lived at dad's; no i know i did because i got my license sophomore year and it had dad's address... like there's a whole year thats basically a blur and i don't really know what happened... thats weird right? anyway i'm just rambling now and i'd keep topic jumping if i let myself keep talking/typing... but i can see i'm at the end of the default visible area of the textarea here and i think thats enough for now, look the scroll activated... definitely enough for now
Monday, September 3, 2018
Long Weekends, lack of motivation and a vacation
Long weekend, i had plans to do things so i could do things and I had absolutely zero motivation to do so.. the allergies this week have been gross, and its remarkable how much better it all is when i remember to take the actual prescribed dose of advair plus the doubled up claratin.... HVFF is this coming weekend and I"m not terribly excited or motivated to go or anything... which is sad... there isnt even an NP party to distract me... i dont know... i'm going but i wonder... and i know i probably said the same last year and had a great time, but i'm not even remotely thinking the same will occur this year... i didnt even go to walmart to get trip incidentals like snacks or whatnot.. one of the nicer things about when it was in secaucus was i got there parked did whatever and then drove home 3 days later, because EVERYTHING was there... as close as my hotel is i still gotta drive to the new place.. i dont think i'm going next year... i'll say hi to robbie, and i kind of want to say something but i dont want to but i do... and i dont want to look like a jerk or whatnot but i'm annoyed with the campaign team.. and after i emailed stephen i got the jersey shortly thereafter but stuff is still missing... 😒
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