Thursday, June 21, 2018
you know...
I've been feeling better the past couple days... but its like there's always a chance... the persistence has worn off, but it just lingers in the background... i'm so fucked
Saturday, June 16, 2018
summer
According to the forecast summer will arrive this week, with it in the 80s and one day maybe 90.... its weird I do feel less depressed this week but overall I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about my situation re: the central unit... fan blew 2-3 weeks ago and its been fine, i have fans... i remember what it was like growing up in a house with baseboard heat and no a/c... i just dont know beyond the summer what i'm going to to.... it's going to come up quick and there's all the crap downstairs to deal with still... i'm still compartmentalizing it but when i think about it i'm not sure what to do or how to fix it
I had a dream last weekend where someone came by and just without telling me started helping clean the house... i was overwhelmed, and though i cant remember who it was i feel like it was Gram... she used to decide that we had to clean my room when it got to the point where i didnt know where to start and she'd start with me and keep me going.... but i just dont know how on my own...
I had a dream last weekend where someone came by and just without telling me started helping clean the house... i was overwhelmed, and though i cant remember who it was i feel like it was Gram... she used to decide that we had to clean my room when it got to the point where i didnt know where to start and she'd start with me and keep me going.... but i just dont know how on my own...
Friday, June 8, 2018
thoughts....
I've been thinking, which isnt always a good thing but its hard to not think for me... anyway... i really like need a break from people, i need a break from me... in the morning every morning this week, ive really just wanted to stay in bed... now thats not to say i've hated anything its just i'm so over it all, everything.. and there's so much
like you think, i think, about the scale of things, the scale of time. the scale of knowledge, death, life, the universe etc... is everything really in equilibrium? is there some kind of equilibrium not only to physical being but to conciousness? the questions that will never be answered, and what the point of it all is... i'm struggling, yes, i know i am and i dont know how to fix it, and i dont know if i want to fix it, or if i care to... should i? yes obviously but considering everyone its really best for me not to involve anyone else in my bullshit... i dont know... i just i want an end.... but i'm nearly insatiable in my general curiosity, which frankly has probably kept me alive a time or two... so its weird... i can see potentially a point coming where i'll break and it'll be the end... but i'm curious about things, as above and like my neice and new nephew, i'm curious about how they'll be as adults yet, i dont know if i want to burden them with me... i'm tough to have around... i know i am
onto other things, i've been watching GMM lately, i watched an episode or two intermittently throughout the years but never went down the rabbit hole... i'm firmly in the rabbit hole... and maybe the ones i'd previously watched didnt make me laugh as much as the ones that started me down the hole, but its a decent hole to be in
SA recently like 10min ago finished a quick live video, and its refreshing to hear someone be honest, logical, thinking and human, he's excessively human, i mean that in a good way, or maybe he's not human he's super human because humanity in general is so problematic... the most invasive destructive species on the plant.... i digress... i find his honesty refreshing and wish more people were like that, especially lately...
like you think, i think, about the scale of things, the scale of time. the scale of knowledge, death, life, the universe etc... is everything really in equilibrium? is there some kind of equilibrium not only to physical being but to conciousness? the questions that will never be answered, and what the point of it all is... i'm struggling, yes, i know i am and i dont know how to fix it, and i dont know if i want to fix it, or if i care to... should i? yes obviously but considering everyone its really best for me not to involve anyone else in my bullshit... i dont know... i just i want an end.... but i'm nearly insatiable in my general curiosity, which frankly has probably kept me alive a time or two... so its weird... i can see potentially a point coming where i'll break and it'll be the end... but i'm curious about things, as above and like my neice and new nephew, i'm curious about how they'll be as adults yet, i dont know if i want to burden them with me... i'm tough to have around... i know i am
onto other things, i've been watching GMM lately, i watched an episode or two intermittently throughout the years but never went down the rabbit hole... i'm firmly in the rabbit hole... and maybe the ones i'd previously watched didnt make me laugh as much as the ones that started me down the hole, but its a decent hole to be in
SA recently like 10min ago finished a quick live video, and its refreshing to hear someone be honest, logical, thinking and human, he's excessively human, i mean that in a good way, or maybe he's not human he's super human because humanity in general is so problematic... the most invasive destructive species on the plant.... i digress... i find his honesty refreshing and wish more people were like that, especially lately...
Sunday, June 3, 2018
ugh
The fan from my hvac was whining today so i shut it off and changed the filter... the fan had eaten the filter apparently i put it in backwards in March and i'm an idiot... anyway got a new filter and the fan wont turn back on, fabulous....
I have fans so it doesn't really matter... i mean it needs to be fixed but this is like the straw of it needs to be replaced, the a/c portion has been broken for like what 10 years now? and frankly i dont necessarily care/miss it too much...
but i think people overestimate how much easier it is to do things when you're not on your own... i'm not complaining i'm just stating a fact... there's a sharing of the burden that comes when you're not on your own, and its not only physically its also existentially there is someone else to lean on... assuming trust there right?
I have fans so it doesn't really matter... i mean it needs to be fixed but this is like the straw of it needs to be replaced, the a/c portion has been broken for like what 10 years now? and frankly i dont necessarily care/miss it too much...
but i think people overestimate how much easier it is to do things when you're not on your own... i'm not complaining i'm just stating a fact... there's a sharing of the burden that comes when you're not on your own, and its not only physically its also existentially there is someone else to lean on... assuming trust there right?
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